I'm writing this post just so HOPEFULLY I can look back someday and LAUGH at it and not cry.
Because today, I'm not laughing.
Today, I'm soaked in sweat. OK---so I know us southern girls were always taught that we don't sweat, we just perspire. Let me tell you, southern at heart or not, I'm dripping buckets of sweat. Buckets.
Today, I'm gasping for breath and waiting for the post exercise endorphins to kick in.
For the last several weeks, or maybe it's been a month or two (jeepers, I realize now I don't have any idea when I started), I have been focusing on my own health. That has meant changing the way I eat, the way I look at food, the way I look at my body as something God gave me as a gift to take care of. It has meant no excuses. I've put myself back on the priority list. I walk a significant amount most days of the week. It has been HARD to fit that time in and not feel like I'm letting something else fall off the list. Getting in a 30 minute walk just isn't enough to me. I'm trying to stick with 5-6 miles each time.
It has changed me. It has obviously changed the way I look and drastically is changing the number on the scale. I admit I'm having trouble seeing what others are seeing, but my brain is slowly catching up. I still look in the mirror and see what I have left, not how far I've come. However, I'm catching up and embracing it. I'm taking before and after pictures and putting them side by side. I tried on a dress that I wore well over a year ago. At the time, I had lost several pounds but nowhere near what my goal was. I was happy to get into that dress, even though it took some "gut-sucker" pantyhose and undergarments. This last year, I reached a point I couldn't get in that dress at all. In my moments of doubt last week, I thought of the dress. I just KNEW I wouldn't be able to get it on. I was right. I couldn't wear it. It wasn't because I couldn't squeeze in it, it WAS TOO BIG!
With that said, let me tell you about today.
I've always wanted to run. I've never been a runner in the least, even in my younger days when I was "healthy" and stronger. I forced myself to do it for a bit in college to get out of physical education and health classes. (If you could run a certain distance in a specified amount of time, you could skip the class and get an A for the final.)
I got this idea in my head that since I can easily walk twice the distance of a 5K, I should start trying to run one. (Let's totally ignore the fact that years ago when I was first diagnosed with lupus that my rheumatologist told me to WALK---never run. Let's totally ignore the fact that I'm about 50 pounds heavier than those days. Let's totally ignore that I'm 15 years older.)
I jumped on the bandwagon of the Couch to 5K. You know that program that unfit people that have been glued to the couch can train to RUN a 5K in 8-9 weeks. Of course a 5K is a short distance to run, right? Surely, if an unfit couch potato can do this....I can do it, right? I've been walking long distances. I've reached my first 2 weight loss goals. This should be easy, right?
HaHa...........HaHA......insert the most hilarious laugh you can imagine right here, right now.
Day 1 (you know the FIRST day of training that an unfit, couch glued potato can accomplish!) kicked my tail!
It should have been simple. It should have been a breeze.
I almost thought I'd have to call 911 and I could just see the paramedics having to go into my scary basement, drag me off the treadmill, dressed in clothes I wouldn't dare be seen in publicly. I don't know if I could have lived through the humiliation. "Tracye, let me understand this: you were only on day one and couldn't survive without medical intervention. " I could see the gossip columns in my head. Forget gossip colums, the world has facebook. Humiliation would be instant.
The good news is, I did it. I had to imagine I was chasing after my kids being kidnapped. I quoted scripture. I sang songs in my head (couldn't do it out loud for sure!!!) I had to imagine all kinds of things to override my brain making me quit. Yes, it would have been hilarious to have had a window into my brain.
The bad news, I may never do it again. Such a simple task in reality. Such a difficult task in MY reality.
Maybe I'll stick with walking. Maybe I'll come up with a different plan. I do know I will keep moving. I do know this isn't a sign that I will quit everything. Maybe I will try again and it won't be as hard. JUST maybe I might have to keep imagining all kinds of things to get me through those bursts of running.
Today I may be crying. Maybe some day I'll look back at this and laugh. Laugh because of how hard it was in the beginning and how easy it has become.
Perhaps, I'll just sit back and laugh at the fact that I tried and how hilarious it was to even consider the possibility.
Regardless, I will laugh.