Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Lord, Empty Me of Me
Growing pains. They hurt. Do you remember those days? Do you cringe as your children go through them---whether they be physical or emotional.
I'm going through growing pains----but of the opposite direction.
I'm seeking to become less. I want less of me.
Physically---absolutely. Ounce by ounce there is less of me every day. It's taking hard work, sacrifice, and commitment. Yet it is worth it. I didn't start this year off with resolutions, but it's quite ironic that I've ended up on the same path. I didn't jump on the bandwagon of January 1st "I'm going to eat healthy, exercise, and lose weight". But here I am...on that path. Maybe because it wasn't a resolution is why I'm succeeding. I just felt God leading me on that path and out of obedience to Him, I've started making the necessary changes.
Though physically, I'm wanting less of me...it's the spiritual side that is causing the growing pains.
The pains of becoming less of me so I can be more filled with Him.
Letting go of control. Hard.
Accepting His will in His time over my own desires and my own timing. Ouch!
Giving over more of me---those deep hidden parts of me---to Him. Vulnerable!
Trying to look through His eyes at situations even when it reveals my own sin, disobedience, etc Double Ouch!
Carving away of me. It's painful. It's necessary. It's required.
Just as my physical body is changing, it doesn't come without cost. It doesn't come without commitment. It's uncomfortable. It's painful. It goes against what is in my comfort zone. It goes against habit. It goes against what is "easy".
The results are worth it. The changes are far reaching.
It's a work in progress. It's not going to happen overnight or nearly as quickly as I want. Physically---some days the scale doesn't show the results I hope, but I know the changes are happening. Some days I don't make the best decisions and I go backwards. Yet, each new day is a new start. Ounce by ounce.
Spiritually---it's a long process. Today I may make decisions that lead me closer to being more in step with the woman God has designed me to be. Yet, I may also make decisions to hold on to too much of "me" and the changes don't happen. I don't allow God to chisel me the way He needs. Today I may surrender. Tomorrow I may refuse out of my own selfish desires.
But the changes are happening. Each painful step of the way.
I want to be emptied of me. I want to be filled with Him. When others see me, I want them to see Him. They may see my physical shell, but what comes from the inside out I CRAVE to have it be Him they see. I don't want the world to see more of the "world". I don't want what they see to be tainted. I don't want them to look at me and see "normal." When they see me, I want them to see Him. Not my pride. Not my selfish ambition. I want them to see His love and radiance.
When I'm holding on to me, I can't become more of Him. Most especially those last things that I hold onto with both fists, the things that I hold onto as the last effort to keep from giving Him every last cell of my being.
I have a spot on my bathroom mirror that has a suction cup with Bible verses, encouraging quotes, and prayers that I purchased on etsy and my husband added additional sets at different holidays,etc... I keep coming back to this particular one this week. It just keeps drawing my heart back in.
"Lord, help me to fully enjoy this day no matter what it brings. Empty me of this world and fill me with You, and You alone."
What a powerful prayer. Admittedly, it's a scary one to pray. It opens the door for some more painful "growing". The kind of growing that reduces. Less of me. More of Him. Ounce by ounce. Cell by cell. Heart change by heart change.