Oh yes, I hate THAT one.....but
It's the word FEAR that is getting under my skin right now.
Because I've been living in it.
I've let it root and overtake.
Today, I'm uprooting it and tossing it out.
God's word tells me countless times to not fear. God is in control.
I've been focusing GREATLY on Philippians 4:8 in regards to what I allow in my heart and mind. For the most part that has been about things I don't watch, listen to, participate in, etc.. It's been about making sure I'm surrounded by people that lift me up and encourage me to a higher standard.
Unfortunately, I've not been taking that verse to the deeper level of what I tell myself or what negative self-talk I allow to filter in my heart.
I've let those nasty words that come from fear overtake for too long.
You're weak. You're not capable. You've failed before. THAT is impossible. Constant second guessing. The list could go on indefinitely.
For the most part, the negative talk in my head has been in regards to preparing for this next school year. In just a few weeks, we will start our 11th year of home education. I'm still speechless.
God has really driven me to go about our education very differently this year. More hands on. More spiritually driven. More individualized. More literature based. Basically, everything that involves MORE of me. More of my time. More of my heart. More of my abilities.
Which simply means....
More ways to fail.
I've listened to it too long. I've let it rob me of my confidence. I've focused on the what could go wrong more than the what can go RIGHT!
Kevin and I spent quite awhile talking last night about everything scrambled in my head in regards to this upcoming school year. I literally was talking a mile a minute. Once I finally opened my mouth about what was weighing on me, it all just came spilling out. Every pro/con. Every fear. Every concern. Every possible solution to problems that may or may not exist. You get the picture!
He just looked at me and laughed.
No, I didn't slap him. :) I actually laughed, too. I realized how crazy I sounded! He actually joked and told me to start speaking SOUTHERN! In other words, slow down. :) He told me that he was still stuck back on 10 statements ago and was trying to catch up.
It hit me.
I hadn't been applying Phil 4:8 to my own doubts.
Today I've been totally overwhelmed with calm about remembering that God WILL provide.
We debated adding babies to care for. We wondered if I could handle it or if I would self-destruct.
What we discovered is that when God gives you a ministry or a calling something amazing happens. He provides. For me, extra energy has been poured out. Fulfillment. Joy. The ability to embrace when things don't go picture perfectly. The ability to compromise and try new things. Because God called me to it, He has provided the needed tools. Every day hasn't been storybook perfect and I have been exhausted at times----but the joy has been far more apparent. God has shown up EVERY single time I've need Him.
This school year is no different.
I feel called to a new standard of living in our home and that includes how I educate, how we operate as a family, and the way we interact. He's given us a new set of goals and deepened my calling.
Because of that....
He will provide. He will given me the abilities I need or send me in the direction of help when needed. He will teach me how to balance the needs. He will open doors to allow Kevin and I to maintain the incredible relationship growth we are experiencing (which has been my greatest fear----our relationship losing priority).
I just have to kick fear to the curb. Stomp on it. Shut up the doubts. Feed my faith so the doubts will starve. Focus my eyes (heart and attitude) where it belongs. Allow God to lead and overtake EVERY aspect of EVERY minute and give Him full control. Otherwise I can't go wrong. Bad days are expected. We will derail at times, but as long as our eyes are fixed in the right direction we will find our way down the right path.
Goodbye fear----you aren't living in the heart of this mom any longer. God lives in this heart and He is FAR more powerful. He didn't give me a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-discipline. It's time I live like it!