Monday, February 27, 2012

Breaking a Habit: Courageous Step

Craving some calm.  Readjusting priorities.  Breaking some habits.  Preparing to live more courageously then ever. 

With that said:

I just did something I never thought I'd do. 

I shut off facebook. 

I don't know how long.  I don't know if God is leading me for just a day, a couple of days, a week or even longer. 

Right now, I just know this is what He needs me to do. 

It is hard.  Crazy hard for me.  As I write that, I feel strange.  I'm addicted to social media.  Hello, my name is Tracye.  I'm addicted. 

Yes, I use it for a great purpose.  It connects me to family (most especially those we aren't capable of seeing very often at all).  It connects me to moms with hearts like my own.  It connects me to great resources in my Christian walk, taking care of our home, and educating our children.  It connects me to my husband.  It connects me to friends that I CHERISH.

Yet, so much lately it has caused heartache.  Besides being a time drain, it's a heart drain at times.  Right now, while I'm searching, growing, changing, and listening to God....I need some calm.  I need to pull inward into my own home, heart, and immediate circle.

I've only been off a whole 5 minutes and I've probably thought about pulling it back up every three seconds.  Habit.  Need.  Countless times I've turned off the computer only to pull it back up on my phone within a few minutes.  Time. To. Break. The. Habit.

Enough to know that this was the right decision.  Easy? Nope.  Right? Yes.

Living out our word for the year is NOT going to be easy.  However, if I want my family to live courageously, my husband to be courageous, etc..  being courageous MUST also start with me. 

Step one is to give myself some "white space" to be able to hear from God, to hear my OWN thoughts, and to see what my next step is.  I can't do that if I don't give myself some space, TRUE quiet.

Two big things that I'm going to miss is the connection when prayer is needed or when I can join in praying for others.  Please contact me through other means if a situation comes up!  PLEASE.  The other thing is the true support I get from friends when I'm struggling or just by seeing their positive posts.  I'm going to miss that.  It feeds my heart in SUCH deep ways.  However, I'm confident God will fill in those gaps!

A few minutes ago, I sat the kids down and told them what I was doing.  My daughter's chin dropped literally to the ground.  She KNOWS how huge it is----how impossible it feels for her and knowing I'm even more "connected", she is stunned.  We both laughed about how much easier it would be if we were on a trip where we couldn't connect or where it wasn't allowed.  Yes, that WOULD be easier.  However, I'm committed to diving in deep and going where He leads.   My heart has known this was the right path for a LONG time, but I didn't have the courage or will power to do it. 

I tried doing it "silently", just by not posting, getting on, etc.  I even tried doing it be limiting it to certain times of the day or days of the week. 

I failed miserably. 

This way is what it takes.  It provides the accountability.

Yikes.....but oh so worth it right now!  A courageous step.


Sheri D. said...

I TOTALLY understand!! I have this love hate relationship with social media, facebook in particular. The reason is multifaceted. One big reason is I, like you, am ADDICTED!! I drive myself CRAZY! So, your post absolutely speaks volumes to me. Also, as silly as this probably sounds, it feeds my insecurities at times, too. :/ I know it is the devil messing with me. Ugh. But I am going through some growing pains right now. I know I shared this with you, Tracye, when we started this B90 journey, but I have not shared it on here, I don't think. Anyways, in September 2010, life as I knew it came crashing down when my parents informed me they were separating after 38 years of marriage. I was a 37 year old woman, and still, it ROCKED.MY.WORLD. They have, very, very recently, decided to work through it. My dad is moving back into the family home, etc. I pray that they find God in this because, I still say that is what they need to get through it the "right" way. Anyways, the point is that this family crisis drew me closer to my God than I EVER had been. I feel like I have been on this journey of refinement. I have been a Christian since the summer of 1991, but I feel like I had not been growing much spiritually in a number of years. This crisis really drew me to him because the friends I had really weren't there like I thought they would have been. I am sure they were uncomfortable, couldn't relate, etc, etc, but the fact of the matter is that I felt super, super alone in my grief. So, thank goodness, I had my Heavenly Father who is ALWAYS there for me. So, I have been on this amazing faith journey just really getting to know Him like I never have before. I feel like I have grown into my own skin and gotten to know who He is in such a deep way. The "problem" is that my "friends" I thought I had, well....they just really aren't interested in this "God stuff". They have known I was a Christian all along, but I guess I was a quiet Christian. Well, I am not quiet anymore. I want to grow, I want to get to know Him better and better and better, I want my family to grow in Him and they are, I want my friends to know Him like I do, I don't want them missing out, etc. I mean, I promise, I am not annoying or pushy, etc lol. I just love God so much that He is interwoven in my life, in everything so I talk about Him a lot. Well, I think they don't like that too much, and I am assuming that is why they have just grown away from me. It breaks my heart, but I know I would not change this journey either. I am so thankful to be getting to know my God so much deeper. I pray for my friends, that they will someday, somehow enjoy that Truth as well. So, Facebook causes me heartache sometimes when I see their statuses about getting together for a girl's night or playdate or whatever, and in another time, I would have been included, but today, the "Jesus girl" Sheri, nope. I am not invited. It's usually okay. I want to be an example for them, etc, but if they are not comfortable with my faith, I am not going to be different just so I can be included, if that makes sense. So, I am trying to get through it, but anyways, sometimes Facebook feeds into my insecurity and makes me sad. I think, well, if I did not have facebook, I would not know they are doing this and not including me, and ignorance is sometimes bliss. Holy Toledo! Sorry for the novel. :/ I hope I did not overshare. Ha ha ha! I just "get" the whole facebook issue. There IS so much good about it! I have found dear, dear friends that I had lost touch with thanks to my military brat upbringing that thanks to Facebook, we have reconnected. However, on the other hand, it sometimes can cause other issues. I am so sorry to blab and blab. I am praying for you, Tracye. I know that God will use this time to speak to you and teach you things you might have missed in this technology saturated world. :)

Sheri D. said...

Oh.My.Goodness. How embarrassing! I went back to look at my comment, and uhm, yea, I am sorry at the length. :D So sorry!

TN Quiltbug said...

Good for you! I, too, have thought about how much time FB is taking me away from my family. I do not have internet access from my cell phone, so do not have THAT to deal with. But I hear you loud and clear. I am still at the point of making myself a "computer schedule." Then what I get done in that time, that's it. That is what I am thinking at this point, anyway!

Courage! God is faithful!

Lori Carter said...

Tracye, I am so proud of you. And, once again, you have inspired me. I know I need to limit my time on facebook, and you have given me the courage and inspiration to do that. Thank you for being such an incredible Christian example for all of us. I love you dearly, sister.

Tracye said...

Sheri: Ha! No worries about being "lengthy"....I'm NOTORIOUS for that!!! :) Thanks for the support from all of you. It's SO overdue (and Sheri, some of your reasons are also some of my reasons as well!). I don't know where He is leading and how long this break will last, but I'm on board. The first step was the hardest. Yes, I have grabbed my laptop and phone every 5 seconds, but I know it will get easier. I'm ready for the calm to come! I'm definitely not offline, just taking a step back from FB. I've just found myself so agitated lately from what others have posted and I need to breathe awhile and leave room in my heart for the good stuff. Good stuff in, Good stuff out! :)

Kevin said...

From the first year we were married our life has been on the move. In those first years before FB, My Space, and even email the loneliness of being in a new town every so often left you feeling totally cut off from the rest of the "world" and family. When we bought our first computer and you began buying Adriana's clothes on a new website called Ebay (anyone heard of that?) you began to feel connected. Then with email, the two of us could keep up throughout the day and you began to not feel so alone. One of your dearest friends came out of ebay shopping and flourishes to this day.
With MySpace and now FB our ability to keep up and be a part of our extended families lives, life long friends, church, and each other has been such a blessing. It was first on MySpace that people you thought you knew started showing sides you wish you didn't know. Now the same thing, I fear, is happening with FB.
What should be a source of connection and sharing has become a source of disapointment and stress. We have a saying in our home (which with 3 kids Tracye and I have to repeat way to often) if you don't have anything positive or uplifting to say about someone, then don't say anything at all.
Paul said it best when while although being in prison and in chains, all he had to do is think about the church and people in Philippi and he would get almost giddy with excitement and encouragement. The people where that uplifting to him. So what if we ran by all our comments and posts past Philippians 4:8 before we posted it. Maybe then we could get that same excitement for what we might read when we log on.