My close friends know that I've really not been myself for the last several weeks, especially the last one or two.
I HAVE been happy. Life on the outside has gone on pretty well. Nothing specific has had me down. As a matter of fact, great things HAVE been happening.
Yet, I've just not been "me". It seemed to hit AFTER my insomnia (but wasn't a real factor in my lack of sleep at the time). I've just been unsettled. Easily agitated. Out of focus. Dropping balls when I'm usually very time efficient and excellent at multi-tasking. Searching. Stretching. Battling heart issues and spiritual issues, pages long.
My husband and I had talked and prayed constantly about what I was feeling. We tried to pinpoint what it was that I was feeling and what we needed to do to remedy the situation. Over several conversations, I poured out my heart on so many issues that were weighing me down. I've been growing and changing and getting closer to God every single day on so many issues, but "something" was creating a roadblock. We, together, still couldn't come up with what "the" problem was.
I hated it. It knocked me off my "game". I felt as if I was spiraling out of control. One thing after another seemed to go wrong JUST as I was getting closer and closer to being the woman I know God wanted me to be.
To say I was tired is an understatement of epic proportions. I just wanted peace. I just wanted to rest.
Then last night and today, there was finally a break through.
I shared my deepest concerns with a dear friend and spiritual leader. It was a risk (but yet I KNOW her enough to know that my heart was safe, I just was feeling vulnerable). Though my thoughts were ALL-OVER the place, she still saw enough to offer some insight and to offer her prayers. Her prayers move mountains! She told me I was just simply doing too much.
She is right. I know it. Yet, the "too" much for the biggest part aren't things I can walk away from. They are part of me. I'm still a wife. I'm still a mother. I'm still a home educator for three different kids. I'm still a daughter, friend, etc... Other things I can't walk away from are things that I'm called to do and feel God is leading me on. Can't change those things either. Granted, there ARE things I can say no to and NEED to walk away from. (Slowly in process of deciding what those things are.)
Today, I had the treat of having a few hours to myself while my kids participated in our Parent's Morning Out program at our church. I had missed that time in the past couple of weeks for various reasons. I kept trying to plan what I would do with that time. Instead of my normal activities, I decided to just be still. In that stillness, part of my answer came.
Her words of "you are doing too much" just kept resonating in my heart over and over. I kept trying to figure out how to reduce the roles or how to be more efficient. In other words, how could I do more in less time. Yet, the words kept going through my head.
Then I noticed something. The focus on the word TOO wasn't the word getting the focus in that phrase any longer. It had switched to YOU. YOU are doing too much.
It isn't about the things I'm doing (or not getting done). It's about the fact that I am trying to do them. I am relying on my own power and strength. THAT is my problem.
I have been deceiving myself.
I THOUGHT I was on track. I THOUGHT I was giving all of me over to Him. I THOUGHT I was following on the path He had for me.
Though I have a great start in that, I haven't given Him all of me. I haven't surrendered every part of me and let Him take that control. I spend too much time operating in my own strengths instead of letting Him rule my weaknesses.
My weaknesses are constantly being illuminated right now. I was going crazy because it seemed like they were constantly staring me in the face. I felt like I needed to fix ALL of them at once. Yet, all He needed for me to do was to give them TO HIM. Stop trying to fix everything and just let Him have them. Accept that He loves me right now, just as I am. Yes, He loves me enough to not leave me where I am...but I fail so many times at accepting His unconditional love when I'm operating in my failures.
I have been caught up in the comparison game. I want to be like her. Dress like her. Act like her. Have her confidence. Have her quiet spirit. Pray like her. Have the opportunities like her. Teach like her. Look like her. Cook like her. Plan like her. I'm sure by now you get the point!
Truth is: I am me. I have to accept that. A friend told me today that I can't be anyone else but me. No matter how much I want to have this or that ministry, this or that gift, or reach this heart and that one....I am here at this point and time to do what God chose for ME. When I stand before God some day, He isn't going to judge me according to what He has asked of someone else. Just me. What did you do with the gifts I gave you? What did you do with what I asked of you? I didn't ask you to be this....or that..... I gave you the job of wife, mother, teacher, etc... How did you operate in those gifts and those ministries?
I am the only one in this world that can be the wife to my husband. No one else was designed for Him. Just me. Therefore, comparing myself to someone else is pointless.
I am the only one that can be the mother to my children. I may be different than "her"----but I am exactly who God chose for these kids.
I am searching for ways to make our lives better, to grow spiritually, to be more like the woman God designed me to be. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Growth is GREAT. I just have to stop and remember that God isn't wanting perfection. He just wants me to be me, with Him working through me and IN me.
Sometimes it's best to just stop and be still. Sometimes it's about giving Him more of me and letting go of something I've held onto for way too long.
Sometimes it's about ME stopping trying to fix things in my own power and turning it over to Him and letting Him do it. NOT ME!
Tonight I'm focusing on a verse that is in tomorrow's B90 reading. It is ministering to my heart in such a powerful way.
"Show me the right path, O LORD; point out the road for me to follow. Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God that saves me. All day long I put my hope in you. " (Psalm 25:4-5)
Believing that during this time of "searching" and trying to balance where I am in life right now and all of the many directions I'm going, that HE is going to lead me on the right path. Every battle in my heart right now can be "calmed" just by surrendering every aspect and every detail to Him. No matter what the concern is, He has the answer. I just need to rest in Him and wait for the answer. Don't rush ahead in my own power and try to solve it on my own.
Break through. No more deceiving myself.