Sunday, November 21, 2010

What do you say?

I'm still here.  I'm still ticking.  I'm still walking in faith. 

Some days I may write the length of a mini-novel....some days I just can't. 

Right now, I'm still in the process of finding balance.   The biggest thing right now is that, I've been talking the it's time to walk the walk.  Some days I'm going to fail miserably and I'm grateful that grace will be covering me.  Some days I'm going to be more successful than others.  Some minutes I have been incredibly strong and stunned those around me.  Some minutes I've been a REAL walking basket case that literally can't breathe.  Normal.  Expected. 

For my Daddy and my children, I will be as strong as possible.  For my Daddy and my children, I'm also VERY human with a huge heart.  THEY have and ARE going to see my break at times.  When I left his side this morning, I left with no regrets of things unsaid.  Dad, Teresa, Kevin, Adriana, and I had some good heart felt conversation....with laughter and tears in the middle of the night, crawled up in his bed. 

Right now, we are just extremely overwhelmed.  I can honestly say I'm not mad at God and I have yet to doubt Him during this sudden insanity.  I'm kicking and screaming and pleading....but not doubting. 

For many months, I've felt like God has been preparing us for something "big".  I just had no idea that THIS path is the one He would be choosing.  I've yet to say, Why me? Why him?  Why us?  I may at some point.

For now, it's about thousands of questions to answer and having no answers.  It's about trying to figure out how to keep one foot in front of the other.  Trying to figure out what we need to do to simplify life at home so that we can keep up.  Trying to figure out how to stay on track with school when we all feel like it's the last thing we want to do.  Trying to figure out what I need to do for myself to keep my physical health strong enough to handle what is ahead.  Lupus and stress are horrible combinations.  Trying to figure out how to comfort my children when I'm broken as well.  Trying to figure out how to make the load that much lighter for our family.  Trying to stay connected with my husband and building on the incredible positive steps we've taken in the past year or so.  Trying to stay positive, but yet not be in denial.  Hoping for miracles, believing in miracles...but yet being prepared for if those miracles are only brought about by HEAVENLY healing. 

Most especially, keep praying.  Each and every one of us NEED it more than the air we breathe.  Thank you so much for all of the encouraging words.  Please know EACH and every one means the world, even though I'm unable at this point to personally thank you each time.

Less than 4 months ago, medical tests done for another reason showed ZERO signs of cancer.   Results show that Dad has esophageal cancer already advanced to stage 4.  We have few medical options.  However, we have the absolute best doctor known to man....THE Great Physician.  He has all of us in his hands....and he will carry each of us when we can't carry ourselves. 

I feel incredibly old all of a sudden (will be 36 next week) and extremely young at the same time.  SO not ready for this roller coaster ride, but now that we are on it....there is no getting off.  It's going to be about holding on tight no matter how many loops and flips there may be ahead. 

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