Monday, November 22, 2010

A small battle now...but a HUGE victory later!

I may kick myself this afternoon, but I'm wide awake and up early today.  I actually slept a few solid hours last night so my body must have loved and needed it so much that it allowed me to wake up alert.  Had hoped the kids and I would sleep in since we had the chance. 

We had intended to attend a free school/family event at the U of I today and watch the women's basketball game, but I've instead decided to spend the day at home.  Adriana has to babysit this afternoon and we are supposed to eat dinner out with a business associate this evening.  I think we'll just focus on those things instead of being gone all day.  The first step in adjusting to this new reality is learning to simplify and most especially for me is learning to say "no".  (The other will be saying "I need help" and this is what I need.  Baby steps!).  School has fallen WAY down on the list of priorities this past week and with the MANY days ahead that I won't be able to focus, staying home is the best thing for us.  I need to choose and purchase a back up curriculum for the boys that is VERY portable and that will require minimal thought and input from me.  Hopefully I can look into that in the coming days.  Adriana is covered since hers is computer based and loaded on a laptop, except for the days that she needs reteaching from me and my brain can't "think".  Hopefully those days won't happen very often.  ;)

This morning one of the prevalent thoughts that kept repeating in my head is how I feel like I already battled the enemy last night and won a round.  I'm learning that sometimes when you make a decision, you may just feel like you are making it at the moment but yet it matters in the big picture when you don't even realize it.

I know that the BIGGEST source of strength is going to come from my faith and most especially it's going to come from the spiritual connection that has made my marriage so beautiful in recent months/couple of years.   The enemy knows that he HAS to attack that or place any little wedge or any tiny thing that can grow into something bigger.   His goal is to take our eyes off of God and to create division between all things good. 

Last week when we were waiting for confirmation (which my heart knew the reality from the VERY first phone call), there were a few nights that I asked Kevin to not pray with me before bed.  It was NOT because we weren't praying and it wasn't because I didn't want him to join me in praying for miracles.  It was just because I was struggling so hard to keep things together emotionally (being "strong") that the intimacy and rawness of prayer together would have broken me.  Since I was struggling so much with insomnia, I thought it was best to not get me even more emotional before falling asleep.  Reality was that I ended up unable to sleep anyway with most nights getting an hour at most.  He respected my wishes and instead usually just sat beside me and prayed silently. 

Reality:  Satan was planting a seed.  He wanted us to lose our connection to each other that prayer brings. 

Last night I was exhausted beyond belief and found myself in that position again.  Kevin finally came in and sat beside me and said he needed to pray with us before I fell asleep.  I told him that since I was very relaxed and calm that I didn't want him to because I knew it would turn my brain back on and I just wanted it "shut off" so I could sleep.  I hadn't shed any tears in an entire hour and my head was half way clear.  He respected my wishes initially, but as I layed there with him rubbing the swelling out of my ankle joints, God began to let HIS opinion be known.  He spoke to my heart and let me see the reality of what was going on.  IT was a small start to division.  Praying as a couple CHANGED our lives.  The times that we let it slip away, our marriage and family life suffered.  By asking him to NOT pray, I was giving that tiny little seed of division a chance to grow later.  With all we are facing, THAT is the exact opposite of what we need.  If we aren't careful, in times of stress....EVERYTHING else can fall apart.  WE HAVE to stay on top of our own personal relationships with God, our marriage relationship, our own physical needs....or we WILL lose the balance of keeping it all together.  The end result will be that Satan will have plenty of ammunition to use to cause us to turn our backs on God. 

I fought God at first and tried to ignore Him, but he was relentless.  I finally had to speak up and tell Kevin that I was wrong.  As much as I was concerned about losing that tiny window of sleep, it was more important to maintain our relationship with each other through prayer.  I think he was relieved to hear me say it.  I think he was beginning to get concerned that he was seeing signs of me "running from God" or letting the important things slide....and because I'm usually so ADAMANT about was scaring him.  God won.  Satan lost.  God showed me that making that tiny decision at the moment wasn't necessarily a huge deal, but in the big picture it could have created huge issues.  Result: I slept.  Soundly.  Coincidence?  Maybe.  After all, your body does eventually crash.  Reality: God's peace. 

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