I've said MANY times that reading blogs and posts on facebook has been a sanity saver for me. The growth experienced personally and in our family unit has greatly come because of how God has used that tool to speak to us. As much as I believed that before, I'm certain now that it is exactly how I'm going to survive this storm. EVERY single time I have turned on the computer or grabbed my phone (yes, I'm slowly learning that smart phone technology)....a new facebook post or blog grabs my attention and it just literally seems to take my breath away as if I can feel God sitting right beside me talking to me.
Though I've had MANY breakdown moments in the last 10 days, today was the first morning that I woke up and literally just didn't feel like I could face the world. There have been hard days of sitting by the phone waiting for results, but even those days I had a "purpose" and even though I felt a physical brick sitting on my chest..I still was able to stay focused. I gave into the pity party for awhile this morning and thought there would be no harm in just staying in bed all day. It probably would have been fine. However, for someone that has battled deep depression I KNOW I can't allow myself to have many of those days or that pit will start surrounding me and I'll fall deeper into it. So, I literally jumped out of bed and almost in a rage ripped all the bedding off the bed. I usually wash our bedding on Tuesday or Wednesday anyway...but it was a physical way to make sure that I got up and MOVED ahead. Even if I find myself just wanting to crawl back in this afternoon, at least I temporarily got going.
When we got home from story time a few minutes ago, I read a blog that had popped up on my facebook from one of my favorite websites (Proverbs 31 ministries). Once again, it was a direct link from God talking me through getting through THIS day and the days ahead.
The blog was based on Exodus 17:12. At this point in the "story", Moses was leading the Isrealites in a battle against the Amalekites. When he held his staff in the air, the Isrealites remained strong and held the advantage. If his arms began to drop, the Amalekites would begin to defeat them. His hands practically contained the power of God...the power of their victory.
I'm sure that Moses was WELL aware of the pressure he was under to keep his arms in the air. NO doubt he knew what the repercussions would be if he let them drop. I imagine that he went through every encouraging thought he could muster. I'm sure he used self-talk to try to convince his body to keep his arms in the air. I'm sure he prayed continuously. I'm sure he gave it EVERYTHING he had. However, the Bible says that his arms soon became so tired he could no longer hold them up.
That is where the beauty of the story comes in. "So Aaron and Hur found a stone for him to sit on. Then they stood on each side of Moses, holding up his hands. So his hands held steady until sunset." Sometimes, each and every one of just need help. I think God was telling me that he IS expecting me to accept help when I need it....even when I really want to keep that strong, capable image going. There ARE going to be days that no matter how hard I want to, my arms are just not going to be able to stay up. Friends and family are going to step in and bring me a stone to sit on and hold my arms up in the air.
Just like, as the days progress....I'm going to be standing there holding my Dad's arms in the air to give him strength to fight his battle. I'm going to be holding Teresa's arms in the air to give her the encouragement to hang on tight. I'm going to be holding my family's arms in the air as we together face such uncertainty and need each other's help to keep ALL of our arm's in the air. I'm going to be holding my children's arms in the air as they try to find calm in the chaos. Kevin and I will be holding each others up at the same time to face everything together.
I've mentioned to Kevin more than once that this is all just unchartered territory. His normally strong wife has suddenly become a freak-a-zoid. We laugh and say the roller coaster reminds us of the last few weeks of pregnancy when hormones and being miserable morph me into an alien....or the early months when I've been too sick to function. I really want time to sit still just for a few days so I can let everything soak in and have all of my questions answered, have a plan for EVERY aspect of EVERY thing going on (most people know I need a plan with a back up plan for the back up plan!!!!), and to just slowly adjust to everything. Since that isn't going to happen, I'm going to have to learn to let those around me keep my arms in the air when I physically can't do it any longer. I'm also going to have to find a way to let go of my perfectionist tendencies.
The following words come from the blogger and she says it so well that I think I will let her words express it:
In the same way over the past couple of years I've needed my friends to hold me up, so I can be the wife, mother and woman God has called me to be. Friends have listened, prayed and helped me with practical matters of everyday life. Their support has given me courage to press on, to remain hopeful, and to find strength in them and the Lord.
Just like Aaron and Hur did for Moses, my friends have held up my hands and lifted my heart so I can be obedient to God's call on my life. We all need the help of faithful friends.
Dear Lord, thank You for the encouragement of friends - and for providing each one at just the right time. Forgive me for the times I've been prideful and independent instead of vulnerable and honest about my needs. Let me be an encourager to others the way they've been to me. In Jesus' Name, Amen.