Just a Single Thread in a BEAUTIFUL Tapestry

As I've been praying for God's direction and His revealing of my purpose, I've also done some serious soul searching. Through this process, He has shown me some areas that I need to really work on and done a lot of revealing weaknesses, flaws in character and in general, revealed areas that I need to turn over to Him. I know I can't accomplish all of them overnight, but fortunately I know He is moving me in the right direction. EVEN IF it is going to be a painful journey, I'm positive it will be a good one.

Also along this recent journey, He has also helped me to see some of the things that shaped me into who I am. Two conversations I've had recently have "collided" in my head and have put me in a pensive mood....one of reflection and FINALLY it has led to some understanding. The first conversation was about how at the time that God allows us to go through dark times, we may not have ANY understanding of WHY, but that we have to believe that HE does have a purpose for EACH and EVERY single thing. The other conversation was rather short, but yet it went DIRECTLY along with what I had been thinking about. It was about how God can really do some odd things to get our attention.

In college, as part of our social work program we spent an entire semester working on a project that dug deep into our hearts of why we wanted to pursue that profession. Miss Haynes gave us no reprieve when it got tough. We dug so deep that sometimes it felt like every nerve was exposed. The purpose was too make sure that we understood that in order to TRULY be effective in professionally helping someone else, we had to FULLY understand who we were and what things had shaped us. (Just thinking of those times REALLY makes me miss Kim. I think of her so often & I know in heaven that we have some MAJOR conversations to catch up on! Any Lipscomb readers....remember the mouse falling from the ceiling during Interview & Recording Skills and her TOTALLY being the 1st one out the door leaving us girls in that tiny room to deal with it? Can't help but smile!)

Having decided to finally act on God's leading me to work with pre-teen/teen girls, I've thoroughly thought about WHAT in my own life has shaped me to have that desire. In other words, WHY is he leading ME? I'm not completely sure because I don't feel fully equipped at this point. However, I know some of the reasons why my heart is heavy for them. It goes back to those colliding conversations.

He has finally allowed me to see why I've been through some of the things I have had to face in my life. With time, we DO eventually understand why He allowed us to go through things that made ZERO sense to us. Sometimes there TRULY is PURPOSE in pain. I normally want the answers IMMEDIATELY when I'm going through something that makes no sense, but very seldom do answers come that quickly. I finally have an answer to a VERY dark time in my life. It only took me 17 years to get an answer. That's practically half my life!

God allowed me to go through that time so that I could use that experience to change someone else's life someday. I'm coming up on the 17th "anniversary" of THAT night. To say that it was a night that changed my life forever is no exaggeration. For so long, I thought it was only a night that resulted in loss. Loss of innocence on MANY different levels, loss of faith, loss of confidence in myself, and the list could go on indefinitely. What I realize now is that I also gained more than I ever lost, it just was a long process to get here. It did change who I was, but now I see it as a good thing. I never would have dreamed it possible to say that and TRULY believe it, but I can. Genesis 50:20 continuously comes to mind. "You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good." Out of that very painful situation that changed the VERY core of me, good has prevailed.

My heart now really breaks for young girls. I so want to see them grow up with a deep rooted faith in God that can withstand EVERY heartache that the years ahead will bring. I want to see their self-esteem based on God's love for them instead of finding it wrapped up in what others around them think. I want to see them feel so confident in standing their ground when issues of right and wrong come up. I don't want to see them suffer from making bad decisions or from walking a line too close to "wrong" that they get sucked in. Because of my situation, I can fully empathize with some of the issues they face. I know what it's like to have everything ripped out from under you, but yet have the victory of being able to say that hearts do heal and what REAL forgiveness feels like. Had I not gone through that situation and ALL of the aftermath (even for MANY MANY years to come), I don't believe my heart would be as tender for young girls.

I don't necessarily want to tell "my story" and have purposely left it vague, but yet in the right time and place, I will tell it when necessary to make a difference for someone else. However, it's not the telling of the story that is what is important. What is important is the lessons that I learned. AND that those lessons can be taught from experience. I also had some AMAZING women help me pick up the pieces and keep me from spiraling downward beyond reach. Four specific ladies helped me hang on when I didn't think it possible. (Thank you: Betty Jo, Lisa, Gina and Vicki). I pray that prayer for my daughter on a regular basis. I pray that when she is faced with hard situations, especially those that she doesn't feel comfortable coming to me about, that she will have Christian women mentors in place that can keep her on track. I've prayed specifically for God to begin to build relationships in her life NOW that can see her through the next phase of her life and for years to come. Women that she can FULLY trust and that I can trust to lead her in the right direction and to love her through each and every thing JUST as much as I would! EVERY single young girl needs a mentor in her life! The relationships that sustained me were originally built when I was about her age and without them I have ZERO doubt that they are the NUMBER one reason that I am who I am today. I'm seeing the beginings of a couple of relationships that I hope continue to grow into that for her.

The conversation about God doing whatever it takes to get your attention is ABSOLUTELY true. My situation got my attention without a doubt! Had I not gone through what I did, my life would be dramatically different. For starters, I wouldn't have met Kevin and I wouldn't be blessed with the amazing marriage I have & the precious children that we have. Looking back (hindsight ALWAYS makes a difference!), I can see MANY times that He gave me gentle direction about making different decisions. I either chose not to listen or didn't feel strong enough. It took a REAL wake-up call. Granted, I at times REALLY wish perhaps He had chosen a different way to get through my stubbornness. No one EVER wants to go through hurt. BUT hurt sometimes is the only way that God can truly get us to see what He needs for us to see. That road isn't always easy and for me it wasn't a short path. It made for a rough road back to trust, forgiveness, and even made the first several years of marriage tough. However, with time, it did eventually strengthen my marriage and my personal relationship with Christ. At some point when the time is right, I believe it will also strengthen my relationship with my children, most especially with Adriana. It won't be an easy conversation to have, but I do believe it will open the door to MANY MANY more.

So, I guess what I'm saying is that it's important to not give up when times are hard. When you don't understand why God is allowing things to happen or when things don't make sense, just hold on. It can be so very hard to understand His reasoning at times. Don't let it cause your heart to harden or it to put a wedge between Him and you. It's easy to do. I've been guilty of it more times than I want to admit and struggle with it on a daily basis. The truth is, HE sees the FULL picture. He knows EVERY day of our future when we can't see beyond the pain of the moment. HE knows how our lives fit into his master plan. Today, with ALL of it's joys or pain, is just one single thread that He is weaving into a complete, beautiful tapestry. Some day, and it may not be until we are in Heaven, we will be able to see how that thread made the tapestry complete. Without that thread, the tapestry will always be missing something. God, sometimes I don't know what you are doing with this thread, but I'm learning to trust you more every day.

Beth Moore Part 2: Conclusion & A Revealed Purpose

I just finished Beth's book & I can't remember a time I've ever been more moved & terrified at the same time. I'll get to that part in a minute, but for now let me share the ending from the book in Beth's words.

"He is calling you, beloved. He is summoning you to freedom. He is wooing you to joy. He is inviting you to live on purpose and spin around with childlike faith in the acute awareness of His love for you. His hand is outstretched. Take your dignity back no matter where you've been or what has happened to you. Hold on to your security for all you're worth. Nothing and no one can take it from you."

And her closing statement, "Now get out there and show some wide-eyed little girls what a secure woman looks like!"

Her closing statement is what has me terrified. It has me trembling and all most nauseous. If you saw me now and happened to witness my mega hot flash last night at the conclusion of our VBS director's meeting, you might think I'm in need of medical assistance. Why on earth would that statement cause such a reaction? Because it might as well have been the biggest wake-up call and confirmation from God I have received in a very long time.

You see, I'm about to put something in "black and white" that I'll never be able to go back and say I didn't say. Once it's in cyberworld, it's there to stay. God just officially gave me my purpose and calling. I've tossed and turned with a calling to outreach for young girls, but didn't think I was ready or that God was really wanting to use me. When you read a book as amazing as this one and think of ALL the life-changing things she had to say and then have it end with that statement.....IT HAS TO BE GOD. AND he was using her to speak directly to me. After all, I have been praying for confirmation of purpose and to HEAR God's voice over all the garbage in my head and all the chaos around me.

I've denied that He has placed the calling on me for so long out of my own fears. Those fears are still VERY undeniably REAL and SCREAMING at me. However, I keep remembering that God doesn't call the equipped, he equips the called. By Golly, I sure hope that is true because I'm SO NOT equipped. After all, we are talking about someone who trembles at the thought of just having to introduce herself to a room of ANY size.....be it one or a hundred. WE are talking about someone who can write out her feelings ALL day long, but can't squeak out a single word vocally. Oh boy, God what are you thinking? Are you sure you know what you are doing? I KNOW you do , but are you sure you don't want to change your mind? It's OK with me. I can easily back out and say I misunderstood. But my heart knows better. My heart knows this is what is right.

I don't have a clue what "this" all means. I don't have a clue which direction it means I must go. I don't know if it means doing something in our own church, in an outside organization, or something completely different. I have ZERO clue. I don't know how He is going to use me, but I know it's time. My heart has been burdened for TOO long for young girls that are growing up in a world full of lies. I've watched my daughter feel alienated for TOO long because she knows the TRUTH but doesn't have much support in developing it deeper. BUT this is more than just because she has needs not being met. This burden came LONG before I ever knew what kind of life she would have. This has been on my heart for at least 15 years with there having been several peak times that it has been even more pressing. BUT I turned around and walked the other way. I can't do that again.

I'll also admit that this age of girls terrifies me. They are SO not my comfort zone. I'd much rather love on preschoolers. I'm great at lavishing them with love, singing little songs with them, and I'm craft crazy. THAT is the easy direction to go because I LOVE it. However, my burden is not for them. I so want to smother them with love, but my heart doesn't break for them. I don't find myself awake at night wondering what I can do to make a difference in their lives.

I thought God had called us to adopt for MANY years. That was MY DESIRE. Part of me still yearns for that, but that door was closed to us due to medical reasons. I began college with the dreams of being a missionary in Honduras and working in a newly opened orphanage that my youth leaders were involved with. Life took a different direction. However no matter what has happened in my life, I always come back to the burden of young girls...those just about to enter the world of Jr. High.....just before almost everything they know to be true gets ripped out from underneath them. That USED to be girls entering High School and now I see it so VIVIDLY in our 5th graders. Something has to change! Someone has to step up and try to reach them, one at a time. I know God is asking me to be one of those people. I just don't know how he is going to use me in doing it. I just know I'm going to be a willing vessel. I'm just going to be praying, BEGGING and PLEADING for him to equip me because my own inadequacies are screaming at me right now. I know I have to step out in faith, but it's going to be a hard step to take. But I know that He would have given up on me LONG before now if this wasn't what He wanted me to do.

Beth Moore---A Life Changing Prayer

Today's post is going to be long, even by my standards :) However, I didn't write it. I just find it so profound that I have to share it. It can literally be life changing, especially for us women. It comes from Beth Moore's book "So Long, Insecurity: you've been a bad friend to us". It's a prayer. A life-changing, healing prayer....one like I've never really read before. She states that it's the first of it's type that she has put in her books, but felt it was Holy Spirit led. I agree. She recommends finding a time & place that you can be alone, comfortable, and STILL. Read it slowly, thoughtfully, and out loud as if it were rising from your own heart. Fill in the intentional blanks. Pray it with honesty from the depths of your heart and see where it leads you. I'm going to pray it and I ALREADY know it's going to change me because just READING it already has! No matter it's long length---hang on to the end and let it change you! Let it change all of us.

Dear God,

I come to You this moment because I need some things only You can give me. I need restoration, Lord. I need my dignity back. You alone know what insecurity has cost me, what trouble--even torment--it has caused me. You are intimately acquainted with every time it's made a fool of me. You know how hard I've fought to play the game, but You also know that in the aftermath I've been defeated. I'm sick of faking. I'm sick of sulking. I desperately need and want to be delivered from my chronic insecurity. I am ready to discover what it means to be truly secure. I am willing to do whatever it takes to be free and to allow You to do through me what I cannot do for myself. You are the all-powerful, all-knowing Maker of heaven and earth and the grand Weaver of every human soul. You alone know how we are made and who we're meant to be. I'm not asking for anything You're not willing to give me. You have not shortchanged. me. I have shortchanged myself and allowed my culture to sell me short.

You know the way I'm formed. You know what motivates me. You know what shuts me down. You know how driven I am by fear and how exhausted I am from surrendering to it. Lord, in the most hidden places, I am so afraid that...............(fill in the blank)...........................................

Deliver me, Lord. You have not given me a spirit of fear but of power, love, and a sound mind. That's what Scripture says. I claim each of those priceless traits as mine this day. Your desire is for me to be free of every unhealthy motivation. Reveal any places they reside uncontested in me, and supply the courage I need to refused to do their bidding. You have searched the deepest recesses of my heart and mind. I don't need to hide anything from You or act stronger or more together than I am. Help me to come before You with complete transparency, and grant me a supernatural confidence that I am safe with You and loved by You. I don't have to muster feelings I don't posess or hang my head in defeat and shame. Because of Your grace, I can come to You just as I am. This is the way I would describe myself to You right now:.....................................(fill in the blanks)............................

But Lord, You know better than I know myself. You know why I think like I do and why I feel like I do. You know my every thought. My every disappointment. You know every ugly or ridiculous thing I've ever said or done out of insecurity. You see every fissure in my soul, and You look beyond the point of my failure to the depth of my need. As you reveal Yourself to me, I ask that You also mercifully reveal myself to me. Grant me insight into patterns I've developed, and give me answers that bring healing. Make my wholly unafraid of anything that I might see in myself in the light You provide. Help me to trust that You only shed light where You're willing to heal.

God, You know the complexities of my soul and that most of the time I can't even figure myself out. You know how I swing like a dizzy pendulum between self-loathing and self-exaltation. As I begin this prayer of restoration, I ask You, Lord, to help me take responsibility for the insecurity that is my own doing. My own fault. My own sin. I am painfully aware that I've created some of my own misery. I have tried to make a god of myself too many times, and it hasn't worked. It will never work. In calling me to this time of confession, Your desire is my freedom, not my self-condemnation, so with confidence, I welcome the one and reject the other. With these things in mind, hear my confessions: ................(fill in the blanks)....................................

Please forgive me for my self-worship. For my relentless pursuit of control and for my futile attempts at doing Your job. Forgive me for my foolish pride. Forgive me for nursing my ego until it grows so fat that everything touching it bruises it. Forgive me for my miserable self-absorption. Forgive me for the jealousy and covetousness that feed my insecurity. Forgive me for turning too many things into competitions. For being so fixated on what I don't have that I leave the gifts You've given me undeveloped and much less effective than You intended them to be. Forgive me for thinking pitifully little of the person You've made me. Forgive me for committing the flagrant sin of despising myself and considering myself inferior to others. Forgive me equally for every time I've sighed with relief at the thought that I might be superior after all.

Forgive me for my unbelief. If I realized how valuable I am, my insatiable need for affirmation would be quieted. Forgive me for being such a perfectionist that I resist doing something good out of fear that it won't be great. Forgive me for inordinate self-protection that has only managed to imprison me. Forgive me also for..............(fill in the blanks).......................

This very moment I receive Your lavish forgiveness and Your complete cleansing and in Your name I release all the shame that has come from self-inflicted insecurity. From now on, Lord, and every day for the rest of my life, heighten my conviction until I'm instantly aware when insecurity is my own making. Help me to recognize any form of pride or unbelief and to refuse it immediately.

Now, Lord, I ask you to pull up the roots of insecurity that were not of my own doing, and usher in healing and restoration. You know every single place where instability has touched my life. You remember details that were long erased from my memory but are still inflicting insecurity. You know what first frightened me into believing that no one and nothing could be trusted and that I'm on my own out here in a very unsafe world. You know the rational origin of every irrational fear. You know where I developed a belief system based on the frailties of man instead of the bedrock of You. You have been with me every moment, even when I felt there was no one to take care of me. I give You my whole heart. Touch every broken and wounded place with Your healing hand.

Lord, empower me to forgive those who have let me down, failed to protect me, or inflicted injury upon me. Help me to see them as needy, broken people in their own right, and Lord, where there is still life and opportunity, bring redemption to those relationships. Help me to understand the gravity of this juncture: that if I do not seek healing and wholeness, I will instead end up perpetuating the cycle of injury. Break the cycle with me, O Lord. Break the cycle with me.

Lord, come and treat my heart and soul where they have been shattered by loss. No one on earth can esteem the loss of something precious the way You can. You know the pain. You know the unbearable emptiness that can come with loss. You recognize my attempt to fill the void with things that never suffice. You know how my feelings frighten me and how the enemy of my soul would have me believe that I will never be okay. Make a liar out of him, Lord. Do not let him win. Do not let loss win. Be my gain , Lord. Flood my life with purpose and compassion. Be my strength in weakness.

Please do not let me confuse healing with betrayal. Help me to see any place in my life where I'm hanging on to my grief or anger in an attempt to hang on to what I've lost. Grant me the gift of healthy grief that does not fight the pain or the process of healing. Lord, please help me to see where I have suffered a substantial loss that I've never regarded. Where I lost innocence, grant me integrity. Where I lost a relationship, grant me true intimacy. Where I lost a home, grant me an internal, unshakable sense of belonging. Where I've held someone responsible for my loss, grant me the ability to forgive. Don't stop until You've made a miracle of me.

Lord, help me to learn how to hang on tight to You when life is rocked by dramatic change. Empower me to trust You and not to panic or fight for control. Help me to stop confusing a change in my circumstances with a change in my security status. You are my security, O God. You are the one sure thing. When everything around me shakes, You are unshakable. Nothing has the propensity to reveal false gods to me like a sudden change in my circumstances. Help me to see them and surrender them instantaneously. Use change to provoke what needs changing in me, Lord, and to increase my appreciation for the only One who is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

Lord, I now ask You to single out everything You entrusted to me as part of my physical and psychological makeup: personal limitations, my appearance, and my God-given disposition. You knew what You were doing when You formed me in my mother's womb. Nothing is without purpose. Nothing has thrown off the plan. Every gift, challenge, and obstacle is meant to shape the specific destiny You ordained for me before time began. Your intent is to make a wonder out of me and show what You can do through me. You mean to increase the praise that comes to You because of my life. You want to defy the odds in order to make Yourself conspicuous in me. Please deliver me from self-pity and a life of excuses and rationalizations. And Lord, where I've otherwise lapsed into self-adoration and self-centeredness instead, help me to recognize my narcissism and no longer tolerate it. Of all things, please don't let it be said that I loved myself too much to fully love anybody else. Please don't let me gain the world but lose my soul.

Father, help me to see where I am overly sensitive and where I put too much pressure on relationships. Help me to see where I insist on making a situation all about me. I really want to change. Help me to quit saying, "This is the way I am, " and remind me that I am capable of tremendous transformation with You. Deliver me from insecurity in my relationships. Help me to cease being so easily wounded, but at the same time, keep me from growing hardened. Help me to resign my position as a game player and manipulator without resigning myself to a life of misuse. Help me to realize that it's pointless to demand that others love me more or love me better. Real affection cannot be coerced. I cannot put a human in charge of my security without setting him or her up for certain failure. Help me to stop using a person as my mirror and start seeing myself as You alone see me.

Lord, even in the midst of all these requests, I thank You with my whole heart for working so diligently in my life. Yes, there have been people who have hurt me and have done a very poor job of taking Your place, but there have also been people who have shown me glimpses of You. Not perfect people, but genuine people. In particular, I thank You for.................(fill in the blanks).....................

I thank You for all You have done to get me to this place and for the plan You have ahead for me. I come now, Lord, to the apex of my petition: please restore to my soul all that insecurity has stolen from me. Overturn every single thing the enemy meant for evil into something good. Perform a miracle on me, Lord. Cover me with Your trustworthy hand. Clothe me with strength and dignity. Transform what drives me. Quell what triggers me. Make me a courageous woman in this harrowing culture. One who refuses to be reduced and defined by the media. Help me to make conscious decisions about whether or not the cost of what they're selling is worth buying. Give me the discernment to call a lie a lie.

Make me the kind of woman a little girl could follow to dignity and security. I actively and deliberately receive---and vow to keep receiving---everything that I have requested in Your will this day. Let this statement reverberate into every corner of my life and invade the bone marrow of my belief system: Today on ..........(DATE)... I receive my dignity back. No one and nothing can take it from me because You are the One who gave it. Help me to recognize that I've lost my dignity only because I have surrendered it. Empower me to claim it back and hang on to it with all my might. Because of Your mercy, Lord , I am no fool. Only a wise woman shifts her trust to You.

In Jesus' saving and delivering name,
Amen

Nightmares & A Lesson Learned

They say God works in mysterious ways. No doubt about it. They say you can hear God's voice speaking to your heart at any point in time. No doubt about it. I've been praying for His voice to be louder and my heart to be more open to hearing it. Well, I heard from Him last night and it wasn't at a time I was expecting and not quite what I was expecting to hear.

I've battled lupus for about 12 years now. The first two or so years were extremely hard. A dear mentor (my college advisor, professor who taught 85% of my social work classes, and a dear precious lady that helped me work through some VERY painful situations of the past), died of complications from the disease. I spent the first 5-6 years on medication to control it, but since I felt the medications controlled me instead, I stopped. I could no longer stand the side effects, the way it altered my brain and my reliance on it. Since then I have had more luck by doing my best to avoid triggers and in general take care of myself and listen to my body. The flare ups have come less frequently and have been MUCH milder. The only time I've used medication since then was during pregnancy and post-partum. I even managed to avoid it during pregnancy with Bradlee because I was DETERMINED to be given the chance to nurse. WE made it....but it resulted largely in the need of spending 4.5 months on bedrest. I just have a REAL aversion to medication that alters my brain! I'm not one of "those" people that thinks medicine is bad or refuses anything not "natural".....I just really couldn't stand the side effects from prednisone, colchicine, mega ibuprofen, methylprednisolone and darvocet any longer.

This weekend I had to resort to taking meds for pain. As Kevin will attest, it takes A LOT for me to consent to that. Even then I fought him until he didn't give me much choice. So, I've spent the weekend in and out of la-la land since anything that has a label that says MIGHT cause drowsiness....will knock me on my tail for days! I found myself in that "brain phase" I hate. I describe it as an out of body experience. My body feels dead, doesn't respond to what I want it to do, but my brain goes on overdrive. I alternate between that phase and the one of knowing I still feel the pain, but my brain doesn't respond to it. I HATE that psycho feeling. I'm a control freak & to be out of control of either my brain or my body drives me insane.

About 1 AM this morning, my brain went psycho and I had the most unsettling dreams I've had in a long time. It was like my life flashed before me on super speed. Unfortunately, it was only the bad things. Things I wanted burried, things I felt God had pulled me through years ago and that were completely "dealt" with, situations long forgiven and current ones that we are dealing with felt VERY raw....it seemed to last forever, but I know it was just a few short moments. When I woke up, I was full of rage, terror, and every negative emotion I can think of. Hatred. Darkness.

My response was to immediately tuck myself back under Kevin's arm. I knew being in his arms would bring me back to reality and it would calm my rage. I just wanted to be wrapped in safety, love, and all things good. As is usually typical, he was OUT cold. IT WAS THEN that I heard God speak. "Why him?" Why him? I immediately knew my mistake. My first thought should have been to find solace in God FIRST, not second. Granted, knowing that my husband is who I sought is not a bad thing. That's a good sign of a GREAT marriage (especially when it hasn't always been that way!). But what he wanted me to realize was that in EVERY situation, HE needs to be my first thought, my first breath, my first heartbeat. HE desires me to be fully connected in EVERY single way to my husband, but first and foremost HE must be my FIRST in everything. Plus, the closer we each are individually to God, the closer we will be to each other. THAT is the way God designed us and he ordained marriage. A REAL Christian marriage.

I learned a powerful lesson. God can USE each and every situation we ever face to speak to us. Our hearts just have to listen. I learned that HE has to be MY first EVERYTHING. Relationships are WONDERFUL and can always point us in the right direction, but they are even stronger when God is FIRST.

I also learned something else this morning. When I began to think back to last night's events and the nightmare, I realized THAT is what HELL is going to be like. However, there will be NO waking up and realizing it was a dream. There will be NO safety and comfort in ANYONE'S arms. There will be no more chances for God's comfort. It will be NEVER ending. How very thankful and grateful beyond words to know that I've been saved from that. How humbled I am to know that God took a screw-up like me in HIS arms & said I am saving you from that eternity. My heart continues to break even more for those people that don't have that assurance. It breaks for those that are sitting on the fence and can't make a decision as to which direction they need to go. Indecision is still decision. It still separates you from God. My heart breaks for those that have walked away from God and think it's too late to crawl back. Don't wait any longer. He's waiting to welcome you back with open arms full of love & forgiveness!

In Need of a Heart Transplant

Confession. They say it is good for the soul. Maybe so. Maybe not. Regardless, I have a confession to make. I need a heart transplant. At the very least, a big attitude adjustment. You see, I have a weakness. Actually, I have LOTS of weaknesses but one specific area has become a real issue.

The issue is how my thoughts become negative, my heart becomes hard, or my attitude IMMEDIATELY changes at the mention of a few specific names. In general, it's those people that have significantly hurt me in the past or those people that just really "rub" me the wrong way. WE ALL have those people in our lives. It's impossible to be human without having had someone REALLY hurt you. It's those people that you have to interact with that go out of their way to push you down to make themselves appear "bigger" (notice the word APPEAR!). It's those people that treat you one way in front of an audience and another way behind closed doors. It's those people that are VERY quick to point out other people's faults, but NEVER can admit they themselves are flawed. It's not just a matter of being judgmental or pointing out changes that need to be made out of love....it's those people that REALLY think they are above everyone.

I need a heart transplant to change how my heart reacts or how my thoughts behave after being in contact with these kinds of people. I don't like how I respond. I behave on the "outside", but on the inside (where I believe it matters most!) my thoughts are in turmoil. I'm either thinking negative thoughts about them or allow myself to think negative thoughts about myself. It's a dangerous cycle.

What I've discovered about myself is that in times that I've had significant exposure to any of the people on my list, my entire attitude becomes negative. It seems as if I have a weakness of allowing that tiny seed of doubt, anger, jealousy, bitterness SNOWBALL. Without a single doubt in my mind, that is NOT pleasing to God.

I need a REAL heart transplant. I need God's heart to become mine and his thoughts to become mine. I need that real agape love to overtake me to the point that it seeps out of every single pore of my being. I need a huge dose of his ability to forgive FULLY. When he forgives, it becomes as far as the East is from the West and he remembers it no more. My heart needs to beat more in sync with his. My heart needs MORE of him and less of ME. Unfortunately, there isn't a miraculous surgery that makes it all instantly happen. However, I know that I'm willing to let him mold me and make me into what he needs me to be. Some days its more steps backwards than forward, but hopefully he'll get me moving in the right direction when I stumble.

FLIP IT!

"Flip It!" You non-FCC'rs probably will immediately think this is a post about gymnastics. Though we did just end this competition season on a very HIGH note, this has nothing to do with literal flipping!

Flip-It! has been our series topic at church the past month and it has been FANTASTIC. During those weeks, when you entered the doors of the sanctuary you just had to have an "open mind" because you had no idea what to expect. One week, the congregation was asked to stand up and move to different areas to get a different "perspective". One week communion was "flipped" by being served on beautiful candle lit tables that required you to GET UP and purposely walk to it instead of our typical pass the trays down the aisles. Each week had a different twist.

Each week the visual was a large jar that was trying to be filled with water, a very large rock, sand, and pebbles. Each week a different approach was taken that ended with an overflowing, impossible mess. Nothing was said to the congregation about what was happening or what "it" meant. Having seen this visual at a retreat in college, I knew what was going on. However, many people didn't have a clue and it was interesting to hear the "buzz" about what our crazy staff was doing. The conclusion of the series finally provided the explanation.

The purpose was to show us that God (the very large rock or brick) had to go in that jar FIRST or everything else couldn't fit. Amazingly, those BUCKETS full of sand, pebbles, and water all could fit in that jar if placed in the proper order. Each item filled up every available space IF the large rock went in first. It was the anchor that allowed everything else to fit. Fill up the jar with any of the other items FIRST and it's impossible for the large rock to fit in. In real life, God HAS to be the center of our lives and take over the largest portion of us OR it is impossible to fit in everything else. We can't be half in with God and half in with the world. It doesn't work.

It was a great few weeks and I loved the series. At first, I had an attitude of I've got my ducks in a row, my priorities are on target, and God is the center of my life. But it didn't take long for God to really start talking to me about how I wasn't as "on target" as I thought and how I also needed to do some "flipping".

Hey God, how can that be? I give everything I have to my family. I am fully responsible for educating my children. I take care of our home, shuttle the kids from one part of the planet to another a hundred times a day, fit in time to exercise, kiss boo-boos, have conversations about any and EVERY things possible, cook, clean, grocery shop, play games, etc........you know I do it ALL with a delicate balance. I am actively involved in church with children's ministry. I send people encouraging notes, cook meals, and do so many things when people need help. I am the first to jump up and volunteer when something needs to be done. We practically live at church or are involved on a daily basis with "wholesome" activities. Volunteering is a big part of who we are. So, God how can I need to flip my priorities.....what ELSE is it that you are wanting me to do. Don't I do enough?

You see.....that's where HE got me and started really speaking to me. I MAY have it right in some areas, but in others I've missed the mark. I think he finally got through my stubbornness a tad. IT doesn't matter how much "good" we do if we don't do it with the "right" heart. It isn't the "works" that pleases God. It's the heart with which we do it. Granted, a huge portion of being Christlike IS giving of ourselves, but it has to be in the right attitude. I do the majority of things with a pure heart and pure love, but in others I've lost my way.

He also spoke to me about how I'm finding myself back in that trap of doing more and more....and more and more..... He rescued me from that before and he is warning me that I'm headed down that same path again and I need to get control of it NOW. That path is the one that so many of us (ESPECIALLY woman) find ourselves in. I still have not learned to say No! Why should I say NO to something good? Well, because we can find ourselves so wrapped up in doing good that we lose sight of the ONE we do it for. That's me. That's where I am. I'm so BUSY doing good things that I've let God start slipping from the top place in my life. It doesn't matter that I'm serving Him and doing things on his behalf. How do I know that I've let that happen? When I can't find the time to study his word, spend REAL time in prayer, or when "another" good thing feels like it will make my "balance" topple over.....that is when it's time to step back and see how much is because I said YES because I didn't know how to say NO and how much is because God TRULY called/led me in that direction. Sure, I can continue to do a good/acceptable job at "x", but how much more effective can I be if I'm REALLY doing exactly what God is asking me to do, not just what I feel I NEED to do!

The other area that God has revealed to me about "flipping" is priorities. Again, I initially thought he was "barking up the wrong tree". How much more could he be asking me to give of myself? My priorities are in order. WRONG! Once again, I realize I've "slipped". The kids and their needs have overtaken every ounce of my energy (and energy that I don't have enough of!), but I realize that Kevin has begun to slip down the list AGAIN. As very hard as it is, especially for a home school Mom, HE deserves to be ahead of the kids. I've not got that one down pat yet, but I believe it's true. God first, spouse second, kids third........somehow I've got to learn to make that happen! For starters, it's about dropping what I'm doing at the moment when he calls or when he comes in the door. Somehow he needs my full attention, NOT the half effort he tends to get more often then not. It's also about putting more effort into looking less like death warmed over when he comes home. Granted, many days it feels impossible.....but I should be making more of an attempt. Gone are the days of business suits & dresses (I mean sure I COULD do it, but how practical would that be?), but surely I can make sure to at least have on matching clothes and SOMETHING besides pj pants and a ratty t-shirt. Maybe I should just completely purge the house of clothes worn well past their prime and EVERYTHING with elastic waists :) He loves it when I wear earrings....so why not put them on? I mean really how many seconds of effort does that take? Nothing wrong with a ponytail, but maybe at LEAST BRUSH it instead of just throwing the band around it. I think God spoke to me about the little things that I've neglected. He's telling me to stop focusing on so many of the big things and to slow down and pay more attention to the little details.

For you home school moms, you might recognize this FLIP. Being that the end of the school year is rolling around, where are you finding yourself. Are you frustrated (I am)? Are you feeling like you failed in some areas and not focusing on the things you did RIGHT ( I am)? Are you wondering how on earth to do "x" better next year (I am)? Are you physically, mentally, spiritually exhausted (I am)? Do you think that perhaps you lost some of your purpose or your joy got dinged up way too much this year (I have)? Where in that is God telling you to FLIP? For me, he's telling me YES things didn't go perfectly but YES you gained positive ground. Things can be different next year and "x" is where you need to start. Perhaps the biggest thing he is revealing to me is that once again, I let him slip from the VERY top priority and that if I put him BACK, HE can help fill in all of those gaps and cover us in his grace. He is telling me that it's perfectly OK for "school" to not look like Mrs. Perfect's "school". It's perfectly OK to take different approaches and do what is needed for OUR family. He's going to tell each of us what we need to do differently next year and that the main thing we have to remember is that HE should be our fist source of strength, NOT our back-up plan. That's where my guilt lies. I turn to him after I've tried to do too many things in my own power. He should ALWAYS be my VERY first thought & instinct. Until HE IS, I should expect for things to be feeling out of balance!!!

So, I guess I'm going to be learning to flip. I know without a shadow of a doubt, that I could NEVER learn to physically flip like Adriana.....but with God's strength I can learn to "flip". I may flop at times, but if I stick with it....I'll be flipping!

I OWE you Nothing!

In the midst of doing laundry (the NEVER ending cycle!) a few minutes ago, I had an "aha" moment with God. It always seems as if I "hear" him the most whenever I'm in the middle of folding piles & piles of clothes. Maybe it's because if the baskets come out, everyone disperses and it's actually as quiet as you can ever expect my house to be! Maybe it's the "mundaneness" of the task that actually allows God to get through to my thoughts.

In the middle of the task I heard the words "I owe you nothing" pop in my head. Not once, but twice. I've been praying for God to let me hear him and to drown out all of the noise. Well, to be honest, those aren't quite the words I was expecting to hear. At first I'll admit it somewhat stung my pride and even hurt my feelings. But then.........my heart immediately began to change and some of the burdens I've been carrying started to feel a little lighter.

"I owe you nothing." How can those be healing words? I finally understood part of what I think he's been wanting me to learn. He does NOT owe me anything. Being a Christian does not guarantee an easy, perfect life. I've let walls build up between the "two of us" for a long time because HE hasn't answered my prayers in MY time or always in the way I needed Him to. In my selfishness, I think I've let part of my heart harden and my faith falter because of the despair that comes with unanswered prayers (or answers of NO, wait, or NOT now). There has been much discussion in our home of does God REALLY care and does he REALLY answer prayers. Some days it's been hard to answer YES to those questions. We've answered yes by faith, but not always because that was what our heart were feeling.

"I owe you nothing". I think the key word is "OWE". He really does not owe me anything. Instead, I OWE him everything. My life belongs to him----every single part of it. Every ounce of my being should be about praising HIM.

However that does NOT mean that I should never ask for anything from Him. It also doesn't mean that I shouldn't have faith that he's going to answer my prayers. Prayer is powerful. I should never doubt that he has my best interest at heart. When he's telling me NO over and over, I shouldn't find myself broken and discouraged. That's the pit I've been living in. I think he told me to get up out of the pit and to stop having a pity party.

He KNOWS my heart is broken over some major issues. He KNOWS I'm overwhelmed & stressed. He KNOWS that financial blessings aren't knocking down our doors. He KNOWS the depth of how strong my feelings are about some issues. He KNOWS the burden I'm carrying for our preteen & teen girls. He KNOWS my hearts desires. He KNOWS the insecurity I feel over certain things. He KNOWS how earnestly I'm seeking to find my purpose. He KNOWS the hurt I feel over individuals devaluing the path I have chosen in life. He KNOWS how my heart hurts over those relationships that can't be made whole. He KNOWS my anxiety over family illnesses, loved ones that are turning their backs on their faith, and ............the list goes on and on. He KNOWS it ALL. He KNOWS the feelings I have that I struggle to put into words. He KNOWS me MORE than I know myself.

Yet, he OWES me nothing. However, because of his PURE, SACRIFICIAL love he has for us, he provides ANYWAY! Because he OWES me nothing......he FREELY gives. He is going to restore relationships, heal broken hearts, and provided JUST what I need in HIS time! Today may not be THAT day, but THAT day is coming. He's going to continue to direct my paths, open doors when others are closed, and place people in my life that help keep my focus on Him. He's going to continue to hear my cries for mercy and deliverance. He's not going to snap his fingers and let EACH and EVERY heartache or obstacle be gone. He could. But why would He? He knows me enough to know that the obstacles and heart break keep me fully connected to Him. He knows just how weak I am without him. Plus, the beauty of it all is that on the day He DOES restore, deliver, or "solve" an issue----he knows I will have no choice but to give Him praise for it. Because once we realize how incapable we are of doing anything in our OWN power....that is when he REALLY begins to reveal his power in our lives.

I'm in Knots....and full of nots!

I'm stunned to see how much time keeps flying by in between posts. I "plan" to blog every day, but obviously I've not been sticking to that plan. It seems as if every time I have something I really want to say, someone or some thing pulls me in an another direction. I've been having a problem lately with distractions & the inability to complete a coherent thought. Think maybe it has something to do with 3 kids at home with VERY different needs?!

It's no real secret that I'm in the middle of some pretty big spiritual battles. It seems that as I'm stretching to grow, obstacles block my path from every direction. Satan knows exactly what my weaknesses are and he knows perfectly how to get in my head and let the little things grow until I can't find my way. I'm earnestly seeking God's direction on several situations and I KNOW without ANY doubt that HE will lead me directly down the path he desires. However, it's getting so VERY difficult to hear his voice over all the background noise. I'm physically, emotionally, and spiritually tired of just trying to stay on track and not derail. It's not coming easy and HOW I wish it were. Personal situations are getting harder to deal with and more difficult by the day.

I'm still moving forward and I refuse to lay down and give up. I can't. There is NO way God has let us go through so many things or allowed us to have to deal with so much to NOT have a real purpose in mind. I can't see the big picture, but HE does. I don't see where certain unanswered prayers have a purpose, but HE does. I don't know why some people can be so hurtful, so unthoughtful, and uncaring, but HE knows what he wants me to learn from it. HE knows exactly where I will be on THAT day that he reveals the next step of His plan for my life. I'm just going to continue to praise Him during the wait, no matter how heavy my heart feels. I know that the day I finally HEAR his voice as PLAIN as day----He will be rejoicing right along with me. I know He will probably feel the same way about me as I do about the kids when I FINALLY get a difficult concept through their thick skulls!

I'm thankful that God has given me some amazing people to encourage me along the way recently. What a pleasure it is to have relationships with people that are willing to boost you up and most importantly petition God on your behalf. THANK YOU! So many of your encouraging words have really been like salve to an open wound.

Today, JUST as I was having a break down of epic proportions, my Aunt sent something out of the blue that I want to share. I think I want to print a thousand copies and hang it EVERYWHERE so I never lose sight of it. Thanks Aunt T!

THE KNOTS PRAYER

Dear God:

Please untie the knots

that are in my mind,

my heart and my life.

Remove the have nots,

the can nots and the do nots

that I have in my mind.

Erase the will nots,

may nots,

might nots that may find

a home in my heart.

Release me from the could nots,

would nots and

should nots that obstruct my life.

And most of all,

Dear God,

I ask that you remove from my mind,

my heart and my life all of the "am nots"

that I have allowed to hold me back,

especially the thought

that I am not good enough.

Amen

(author unknown)

I think that perfectly sums it up. I'm full of knots and nots that are READY to be removed!

God ALWAYS provides!

Let's face it. Sometimes life is hard....really hard. It's very easy to get bogged down in day to day struggles. It's not a secret that we've been hit with obstacles from every direction lately. Some of which have been made public and some that have been kept private. Some of those struggles are beginning to resolve, others just starting and others seem like there will NEVER be a positive resolution for.

What do I do? Keep on going, keep on praising God through each and every storm. Keep focusing on keeping my eyes AND heart on the most important things. Do I always succeed? NO! However, just about the time I think I can't handle another single second or can't carry another situation.....God provides. He may not offer provision in the way I demand or exactly the way I THINK I need, but he DOES provide. God has not taken away Kevin's illness. He hasn't lifted our financial stress. He hasn't morphed me into the super-woman I need to be to handle all of my different roles. He hasn't......fill in the blanks....there are MANY of them.

However, he HAS provided. He's given us SO many things that matter! The amazing blessing of a long distance friend that I've never physically met, but holds one of the most prized places in my heart. She blessed me beyond words with a priceless gift---to some it would have meant very little---but to me it was HUGE! Her uplifting words & encouragement is beyond compare. He HAS given us hope that there are brighter days ahead. He's gifted me with new friendships that are growing every day and leaving me feeling less alone. He's given me the ability to see how important the LITTLE things are. We live in a world of BIG things, but it REALLY is the little things that are the most important. It seems like for every heartache & disappointment I'm facing, God has provided a different blessing to fill in that hole or gap. It doesn't necessarily make the pain go away or the hurt any less real, but it sure makes moving forward in faith MUCH easier. I'm rediscovering just how strong my marriage can be because we are having to fully depend on each other. Having been at the bottom, we have learned just how special we are to each other and are much more likely to express it.

I've learned that there are healthy ways to deal with stress & heartache. I have been so far to the bottom and in such a deep depression that there always comes that fear that I will slip back. I finally feel that I'm a conqueror! Knowing where I've been, I know this is one of those times that the old me WOULD have hit rock bottom. Even though yes it's a struggle and pain is VERY real, what is MORE amazing is the victory & freedom that I'm finding. God has finally shown me how to overcome & that is a HUGE blessing in my life!

I'm just so very thankful that through everything coming our way, God has made sure that he has given me a beacon to follow. Sometimes it has been my own heart....just the right words from a friend....just a certain look from Kevin.....and MANY other things. I'm learning to fight my way through the darkness with my eyes set on Him. It is very easy to lose track and focus just purely on the negativity, the whys and why nots......but I'm refusing to stay there. Instead of getting caught up in the feeling of God not answering my prayers, I'm focusing on the things He IS DOING or has done. He has promised to never leave or forsake me and I AM HOLDING on to that PROMISE!

To end this post, I read something this morning that I think is really life changing. I'm "borrowing" it from Gretchen & I'm so thankful she posted it. I think it PERFECTLY describes my view of life lately in words I could have never chosen. Very profound.

" THIS day comes equipped with a set of fresh opportunities. In its joys and pleasures, I can show my gratitude to God. In its trials and temptations, I can prove my faithfulness to God. In its pains and hardships, I can demonstrate my trust in God. In whatever form, the day's events will bring opportunities for service...to God and others, and chances to exhibit the virtues of faith, hope, and love."

Wrinkles & Gray Hair AND a "Mountain Mover"

What most people don't realize is just how funny (and beyond energetic) my boys are. They typically see them as quiet, reserved, and respectful in public. Wow----if they could see these boys dance, goof-off, and play together. They both have INSANE funny bones.

We have this HUGE problem with Bradlee. He doesn't sleep through the night and drives us bonkers. He goes to sleep in his bed with zero problem. It's the hours that follow that make us want to pull our hair out. He comes down & tries to squeeze in bed with Kevin and I several times a night. For the first couple of times, Kevin makes the trek back upstairs or my "mommy-only" voice convinces him it would be in his best interest to march his little tail back upstairs. Unfortunately, as the night goes on, he manages to sneak in without us knowing. The RULE is that he can get in bed with mommy AFTER daddy has gone to work OR when the sun is up. It just doesn't usually work that way.

Yesterday was one of those days that he had managed to get in bed and TAKE over. I tossed & turned trying to find ME a spot in MY bed to sleep. That little turkey had taken over ALL of my pillows and I was laying CROSSWISE. He had the nerve to sit up, did I mention IN MY SPOT ON MY PILLOWS, and tell me to quit moving around so much that HE couldn't sleep!!!! If I hadn't been a zombie, I would have marched his little booty back upstairs to his bed, but as he knows.....once we are zombies, he can get away with anything! So instead he got a half laugh and a "flap-flap"-----that's our way of saying buzz-off.

What makes it all worth it, is those morning snuggles that are beyond comparison. All of my kids have been loving & affectionate, but Bradlee has to be the BEST snuggle-bunny on earth. I KNOW these days are fleeting quickly, so I'm soaking in each and every one of them! However, you just never know what his little brain is going to send to his little mouth and he is absolutely the one that will tell you what he is thinking and has yet to learn "political correctness". I envision lots of apologies in our future! After he had informed me of his inability to sleep and had his precious snuggle time, he asked me a question. "Mom, mom, mom......what are those lines on your forehead?" He proceeded to point out the ones on my nose and then started counting the ones around my eyes. That was so thoughtful of him!!!! I always wondered how many I had :) He then decided to inform that he couldn't make his face do it. I told him he was the cause of lots of those lines because mommy was getting old and tired. He said.....NOPE.....you said I made your hair mess up (in other words, he's been told often that he was giving me my gray hairs!). Well, not the best start to the morning self-esteem wise, but it got a good laugh and ended up in a tickle war (which I'm ALWAYS the winner!). I guess that makes all those lines & gray hairs WORTH it!

It's just extremely important right now to remember that EVERYTHING we say, we do, or we expose him to is being soaked up like a sponge. This is the most crucial time to make sure that we go above and beyond to make sure that only GOOD & PURE things are around him. Even when we think he isn't paying attention, HE IS! WE have to guard his heart with our choices of music (thank heavens for WBGL!), the shows we watch (even when it's Disney or Nickelodeon), the books we read, the people around him, our treatment of each other, etc... It's always important, but no time is more important in that area than RIGHT now. I wish I had more time & energy to REALLY work with him more while his little mind is exploding since he is so incredibly smart! What I have to remember is that EVERY little song he sings & Bible story he hears IS soaking in and preparing a way for a deeper relationship with Christ in the future. He's been proud to tell EVERYONE the meaning of Easter. In his words, Easter is about Jesus. He died on the cross & came back to life. Why? Because he loves us SOOOOOOOO much and wants us in heaven with him. Granted, he's left out a few steps, but he got the most important ones!!!!! We barely get out the door of his church classrooms before he is telling us ALL about the story he heard. Even yesterday at Parent's Morning Out, he came home talking all about David and Goliath. It really warmed my heart to know that he IS getting JUST as much out of those 2.5 hours a week as I am.

I can't wait to see what the future holds for this little guy. I KNEW from the first second I held him that he was going to do something amazing with his life. My first thought after holding him was "MOUNTAIN MOVER". I don't know what mountains he will move, but I know they will be huge! I just have to remember to do everything I can to give him the opportunities to grow & learn AND to make sure that he finds his GODLY PURPOSE. Fortunately, I know I CAN NOT do it on my own, but I do know WHO can. GOD fills in where we lack and he puts special people around us to help us along the way. Thank you to all of those that are positively shaping our children's lives NOW and in the FUTURE!

Bad "Luck"

Another week, again? Wow---could time please slow down for just a bit?!

My daughter & I have been laughing at our "luck". It's not really funny, but it's a joke in our house. See, we have this magic power. Actually it's not a good thing. We tend to get excited about something, it falls apart. We THINK we get something worked out, it crashes. We THINK we are on track with something, it derails. It just doesn't occasionally happen. It seems to happen EVERY time we open our mouth, think the thought, or breathe a sigh of relief. It is SO not funny, but if we don't laugh about it we would stay too focused on the pain it brings and get too caught up in it.

Just a VERY few hours after I submitted my last blog, everything changed. At the same time, Adriana had just told our neighbor how great things were going and what a relief it was that things were calming down. No surprise to us----it all crashed down. Kevin's headaches returned with a vengeance. Back to stressing over that, not sleeping, every emotion possible--just absolute pure frustration. Along with not sleeping and extreme stress comes my body breaking down. It's a vicious cycle. I did everything possible to avoid it----but it only worked for so long. I found solace, stress relief, extra energy, mood boosting endorphins from taking long walks to get "through" the rough days. That worked until my body said enough is enough. BOY, do I miss those de-stressing walks. CAN NOT wait until I'm recovered enough to get back on it----that is one thing I am not giving up on!

Financially we struggle to keep our heads above water due to the fact that we've been one income for 13 years. Just about the time I think we have everything balanced, something goes wrong. Finally getting insurance worked out to pay for Kevin's medication and oxygen was a HUGE relief. However, everything else seems to be going wrong. Even with insurance, a doctors visit still wipes out $30 (which is HALF of my weekly food & household needs budget!)Bought a part to fix the washer. It only partially fixed the problem & the washer is still not functioning enough to use. I never realized how "spoiled" I had become by not thinking twice about throwing a load of clothes in at any time. With TWO incredibly messy boys, a dog that constantly needs his paws wiped, a gym rat that goes through workout gear constantly, a husband that has to change clothes as soon as he walks in due to the chemical smells that are attracted to his clothes, it ADDS up quickly. A trip to the Laundromat, yields ALL clothes done at once, but wipes out $11-$13 in quarters! My dear husband failed to fully stop at a stop sign in the lovely town of Arcola at 5:30 in the morning.......with NOT a single soul in sight.....except the cop. Doesn't matter that he he NEVER does that or that he was running late because of a stupid headache. Another $75 to deal with. Came out of work at lunch the next day to find his tire flat. Thought it would be an easy $10 fix.........of course not. Can't be repaired and you know you can't just replace ONE tire. Where will that $400 come from? Got the bill for Bradlee's ER adventure. The trip we tried EVERYTHING to avoid. Our pediatrician refused to see him & gave us no choice but to be seen by the ER. Walked in and the DR said, we did NOT need to be there and that if any medical professional had looked at him, they would have seen immediately that he was in pain from a neck injury NOT meningitis. DID nothing for him. Our cost AFTER insurance $475. The list goes on and on. The problem is that it all falls just after we prayed for financial blessings for God's help to get us through some difficult times. NOT quite the answer we were looking for.

It goes on and on. We thought we were going to get a resolution to a painful situation we were dealing with. Got VERY excited to see God had opened a door that needed opened in a MAJOR way-----but as soon as it opened, it slammed shut. Reached out to specific people for support and encouragement to get through these rough days.....came back empty handed. Learned that some friendships just really aren't worth it, but have yet to figure out how to fully accept it and move on.

Now what? Lay down & give up. That's what a huge part of me says. OK, that's what almost ALL of me says. However, the little inner voice that keeps me going is speaking louder every minute. IT knows that we've been through hard times before MUCH MUCH harder times, and we came out. Now is no different. LIFE can and will return to "normal". WE will find doors open again. Some of those painful relationships will not survive, but others will spring up. THAT is a fact. I've already been blessed by some AMAZINGLY supportive women in my life over the last several months. My tender heart & emotions may make things difficult some days, but most other days they make me the person that I am and love to be. They give me a heart for God, for my family, and for making things better for others when I can. Bruises & wounds heal. Lessons get learned....some just painfully. I will keep moving forward. I will keep looking for the ONE that my eyes should be set on. I will keep trying to find ways to stay connected & maintain the right priorities. I will keep digging deeper & finding where my true source of happiness & contentment comes from.

Just maybe next time, we will try it the opposite and see what happens. Maybe we will say it's horrible.....or please take money away.....or anything negative.....and maybe just maybe GOOD will happen! Nah......we'll just keep praising God through the storms & know that there is no other way that we survived and that he is the one that is TRULY deserving of every ounce of praise we have to give. Maybe that is all He wants and needs from me. He just needs me to have all of my focus on Him and less on the outside world.

Checking Back In

WOW...It's been a week already? Shame on me. :)

This week is UNBELIEVABLY better than the last two weeks. I'll admit, there were times I thought all of the situations around me where going to get the best of me. Things around us are FAR less than perfect, but I'm feeling MORE able to handle it EVERY day! Thanks to those of you that have taken the time to pray or encourage us along the way.

Kevin is still having extreme headaches, but they are settling down to one a day, two at the very most. Granted, that's still too many, but MUCH improved. Fortunately, the oxygen works AMAZINGLY when they hit. Unfortunately, that is usually about 1:30-2:00 AM. I'm becoming a pro at waking up, getting him set up, making sure it has worked, and getting everything shut back off. Now that something IS giving him fairly quick relief, I don't have that same panic I had, so I'm much more able to get back to sleep than before. So at least now, it's like getting up to take care of a newborn and going right back to sleep instead of the state I was in where I was too concerned or too worked up to get any sleep. Fortunately, he's beginning to not even remember the next day whether or not he had one! I'm usually easily peeved by his ability to fall asleep SO quickly and his short term memory lapses, but in this case I'm thankful!

We're still struggling with so many other issues & obstacles, but feeling more confident in our ability to handle whatever comes our way. Our faith in God has delivered us during some VERY dark times & we should have known better than to doubt him now.

I'm still HUGELY battling with trying to maintain balance & not being overwhelmed with so much going on....but with each day, I'm feeling on more solid ground. I'm not saying that the struggles aren't still there and that Satan is off our backs. It's ALL still here AND still very painful at times, but again I see our faith growing with every prayer we pray, every conversation we have, or any tear I cry (notice I didn't say we...!).

It's been a chaotic few weeks THAT is for sure! Sleep deprivation is a place I don't want to return to! Being pulled in a thousand different directions is unsettling. My body shutting down & a lupus flare up hitting hard was expected. Thankfully, not only have I recovered but I also feel EVEN stronger than before.

I've not been blogging because there hasn't been enough time, but also because I have TOTALLY gotten wrapped up in a new Beth Moore book. I keep reading and re-reading each and every page. I can't get past the first few chapters, because I keep getting drawn back or something else sinks in and I have to go back! I imagine there will be lots of blogs to come based on what I'm reading. It's just TOO good to keep to myself. I highly recommend it (even though I don't know when I'll EVER finish it!) Ok---I only have a few weeks left since it's a library book and since it's requested I can't renew it! I may have to break down and actually buy it! It's "So Long, Insecurity...you've been a bad friend to us".

A Mommy No More

I can't put my finger on when it all happened or even tell you the first time I heard it. I am sad to report that I'm no longer a Mommy.....just a mom. It's a vivid reminder of just how fleeting the moments are with our children and just how short of a time we really have to make a difference with them that will last a lifetime. I don't know when Bradlee made the transition from calling me Mommy to Mom, but now that it has happened it's sad. It's especially sad since he is the last little one in our home (unless God changes our path). If I had known it would have happened this quickly, I would have savored EACH and EVERY one of those moments. I wouldn't have been so quick and short when I heard it for the millionth time in a day. It's quite sad to know that your three year old is really growing up so rapidly and that you can't keep up. I've said from the very beginning that he was SET ON GO from the moment he was born and that is so true. He isn't content with doing ANY thing slow. Fortunately, the Mommy word does occassionally slip out and I'm trying to soak it in on those rare occassions. For now, I'm going to cling to him when he says "Hold You Me, Mommy" because I know it won't be long before he stops saying those words too or at least stops saying them in his cute little mixed up order. Since that is also the only time left that he says Mommy, I think I will find as many chances as possible to hear him say it! Well, that is if I can catch him.... :)

An honest prayer....and encouragement for my husband!

"OK God. Enough is enough. You have our FULL attention. Please take away this horrific pain that Kevin is going through. Though it may only be 30 minutes at a time, it's the most terrifying, helpless 30 minutes you can imagine. I'm exhuasted, broken, stressed and overwhelmed. We have remained faithful to you in such hard times and put as much effort into being as pleasing and devoted to you as we can. We see those OBVIOUSLY living outside of your will and yet they seem more blessed than we can ever dream of. God all we are asking is for this to stop. I don't feel like I can watch him go through another one. It literally rips me apart and shakes my faith EVERY single time. I know that when we are growing in you and getting closer to you, that Satan throws EVERY temptation, trial, and obstacle he has to try and derail us. It's working. We are SO wanting to surrender, but we AREN'T. Please take that into consideration and get Satan OFF of us. WE just need some good things to happen for a change. SHOW us that YOU are in control & that YOU have our best interest at heart. RESTORE us, REVIVE us, BLESS us. WE need miracles right now that you can only provide. You know EACH and EVERY desire of our hearts and our most immediate needs. We aren't asking for trivial things. We don't deserve your favor, but God we are asking anyway. Your word says to ask and believe. We've been asking & we've been believing, but that believing is getting harder each & every second that passes. Don't allow these trials to continue to steal our confidence and joy we have in you. REVEAL your plan for us. We are tired of wandering & searching. Help us find our purpose, path, and direction. We are physically & emotionally tired. Stop Satan from hindering us & keeping us from You. Give us peace that only you can provide. Let others see our faithfulness so they can SEE YOU. "

Prayer is a VERY intimate & personal thing. Some people can publicly pray without a second thought. I AM NOT like that. I'm not one that feels comfortable praying out loud. It's not in my personality. I'm not a verbal, people person in the very least. I'm the poster child for introvert. That's ok because God hears my silent prayers just as much as He can hear those that are freely spoken. However, I felt led tonight to make it "public".

There is no denying that we are struggling with some VERY real issues right now. I'm in a near panic mode needing God to answer prayers immediately and I'm not going to lie. It doesn't feel like he is listening or answering them. At least he isn't answering them to MY satisfaction. We ALL know that is a hard place to be in. We've ALL had the answer of "No" or "not yet". We ALL know that frustration. What is really hard & is ripping me apart is that I'm not asking for frivolous things. I'm JUST asking for some VERY BASIC needs. How can those answers be "no" or "not yet". As a parent, the last thing on earth we want is for our children to hurt. How can God as our heavenly father allow us to suffer? All I know is that whatever God has in store for us MUST be amazing and MUST really be something big for Satan to be attacking us so hard. He really must be terrified of God's power in us because he is doing EVERY single thing he can to silence our voices and create a wedge between us and God. Unfortunately, it's getting easier by the day to let that happen. Some how, some way......we will come through all of these obstacles and God will have been the only way that it could happen. Others will see how God delivered us. I'm just praying for that day to come MUCH sooner than later.

Kevin: hang in there. It hurts so much to see you going through this physical pain & it does terrify me. Watching my normally calm, solid as a rock husband torn apart like that is suffocating. It's 3:00 in the morning and you've been back asleep for about an hour, but I'm wide awake despite being physically & emotionally DRAINED. Watching you tonight and being RELIEVED to hear you snoring beside me just brought me back to that hospital bed with Peyton. It's that same helpless & exhausted feelings we experienced with him. God brought us through that and at times we doubted Him then. He's going to bring you through this AND all the other issues we are personally dealing with. We just have to hold on & hang on to that. We both had that moment with Peyton of feeling like we couldn't go another second, but we did.....and did...and did.....for days on end. I know you are physically in pain and even worse at times emotionally & spritually hurting. Don't give up. Don't run. Don't shut down & build back up those walls we've worked so hard to knock down. Despite the message you get from so many people, YOU ARE AN AMAZING man! NEVER doubt it. YES, you sometimes fail and at times failures come more than successes, but that DOES NOT diminish how amazing you are & how much I love you. You will NEVER get the credit you deserve and NEVER get the understanding of why you've made some of the decisions you've made, but I GET IT and there will be a time that everyone else will. Baby, just hang on and keep moving forward. EACH and EVERY word of our wedding song is coming alive for us MORE every day in ways we NEVER dreamed of......so just keep holding my hand and know that I will be here.....and focus on THAT special moment that "sealed the deal" for us & told us that we belonged together and nothing would EVER effectively pull us apart. When things are the hardest, I can look at the picture on our bedroom wall of that night & remember where I was in life and what had gone on up to that point and RELIVE that moment so VIVIDLY....the moment that changed EVERYTHING for both of us. God brought us together for a HUGE reason & I'm still anxiously waiting for him to reveal his FULL plan for us.

Sorry for the sappy, mushy note----but I felt it needed to be said and "on the record".

JUST go to the 10:45 service you big goof!

A real look at this morning and REAL honesty.

I know nothing is ever really a waste and that ANY day given by God is a gift. But today, was a waste. It was a waste because I let it be. Today at church was one of those days that I should have just stayed home. I feel like an alien has overtaken my mind and body these days. From the second my eyes opened this morning, NOTHING has gone right. We stayed up late, lost an hour with the time change and couldn't get going and slept through alarms/hit snooze too many times. Kevin was wiped out and a grouch after having YET another unbelievable headache that didn't quickly go away. I'm by nature NOT a morning person. Well, when you are running late to start with, you know what happens because of Murphy's Law. So this morning was one of those if it could go wrong, it did kind of days. It doesn't matter that we tried to plan ahead for the time change and morning mad dash by laying clothes out last night. I REALLY did plan ahead and hoped for today to be a GREAT day of COMPLETE focus on God. It just didn't happen that way.

Instead of what being at church SHOULD have been like, I found myself letting EVERY little thing snowball until I lost ALL focus. I smiled, waved, acknolweged those around me----but inside my emotions were flipping and flopping all over the place. Even when we got in the van, as soon as I finished writing our check for offering and passing out the kids "Jesus" money as we call it, I paused in my spirit and asked God to calm me and help me to focus back in on Him. Normally that is all it takes after a mad dash to get out the door. IF it doesn't immediately happen, I do find that peace come over me during worship. That made no difference either. It wasn't the worship leaders fault.....their hearts were in it just like normal and they sang some of my normally favorite songs. I sang the words, but they never reached me and they never connected me to the one I was singing those songs for. Worship was NOT worship in my heart today.....it was just a sing-a-long. The message never really pierced my heart either. It was an important one and I DID hear the words and I did think about what he was saying.......but my own thoughts were swirling around in my head too much that HIS words got crowded out. I did catch a few thoughts that did give me pause and did BEGIN to minister to my heart and make me think, but I wasn't able to give them enough time to root and grow. Communion time is usually a time of reflection and a "calming" few moments that I usually CRAVE. The "silence" was defeaning and I couldn't find that peace today.

Today should have been a day of getting my batteries recharged. I should have found that connection with God that normally inspires me to keep going another week. I normally find an intimate connection with Kevin. Nothing has been more helpful to our marriage than the spiritual intimacy of being in church ALONE together (now that ALL 3 of the kids have their own place to be and LOVE being there!). Not being pulled in a million directions, just being there together solely focused on the same page has been amazing. I look forward to that "oasis" of being connected to each other by being connected to God. His arm around my shoulder or my hand on his knee, his arm around my waist or holding my hand during worship & prayer.....those things recharge me like NOTHING else. THAT was also missing today. What should have been an amazing bonding time for us, especially after reconnecting last night on some issues, was instead like sitting next to a stranger.

Because my mind was so full of EVERYTHING else and I couldn't get my mind on what DID matter, I'm still finding myself out of sorts. I was REALLY looking forward to being FULLY present at church this morning and now that I wasn't, waiting another week feels impossible. I'm almost panic stricken and I don't know what to do. I know God can find me ANYWHERE and use ANY person or ANY thing to minister and that he is truly just a prayer away. Worship doesn't just take place in church. I GET that-----but it's just not feeling the same at the moment. I already feel like this week is going to be a horrible, stress filled week because I was already feeling that way AND just needed this morning to give me a boost----but because I allowed MYSELF to get in the way of that happening, I don't know what to do! I can't get my mind to slow down and I can't get my spirit to calm.

So, if next Sunday morning starts out this way again; if the rush out the door gets me in this big of a "mess", I've learned a lesson. One I wish I had thought about this morning. Slow down, breathe in and out and JUST GO TO THE 10:45 service you big goofball!!!!!!! Yes, we would have to drop Adriana off so she could have attended her small group like normal, but we could have come back to worship in a better frame of mind. Yes, it would have been a different set of faces in a large church like ours and I may not have gotten my typical seat or my favorite pastry, but by gosh, I might have been CONNECTED to God and not feeling so insane right now! Maybe because my stress levels ARE intense right now it wouldn't have been perfect, BUT I'm certain God would have had a much easier task at reaching me than he did today. Gosh, where is that rewind button.....if I had one, I KNOW I would be using it now to just go back and start this day over again. Starting this day over would surely be like starting the whole week back off with a better chance of keeping it ALL together. Right now I'm not carrying that same confidence.

Learning

No, I haven't disappeared. No, I didn't give up on blogging as an attempt to get Satan off my back. I don't give up that easy. However, it has been a TOUGH week or so and it just hasn't been easy to think clearly. Between caring for Bradlee's neck injury and pain last week and now Kevin's insane headaches, it's been an unsettling week!

Time for some real world honesty. To say that things are stressful for us right now is an understatement. LAST week's priorities have been changed to deal with THIS week's needs. The courage and energy I had last week, both physically and spiritually, have been zapped. Phsyically I'm struggling because stress and lupus are not good combinations. BUT I have no choice but to keep going and trying to fight through it. These days I feel like if I slow down, I may drop permanently!

Spiritually it's a huge struggle. Kevin and I constantly feel like JUST when we really feel like we are getting on track and feel like God is really leading us in a positive direction, we end up getting slammed from every direction. We are constantly in that mode of feeling like two steps forward, three steps backwards. Why can't Satan just get off our backs and leave us alone for once? Normally, when tough times come like this, it creates a wedge between God and us and between each other. We tend to back-off and stop trying to move forward.

NOT this time. I'm refusing to let these "rocky waters" push me off course. No matter how hard things may get, no matter how many mountains are in the way. Whatever it takes, whatever I have to do.....I'm not taking those three steps backwards. If I need help, I'm asking. If I need to "walk away" and get a few minutes of peace, I'm going to take it. If I need to stop and hug the kids and apologize for being moody, I'm going to do it. If I have to let some things go in order to focus on something else, I'm going to do it. I'm allowing myself the freedom to temporarily drop my perfectionist attitude and needs. I'm not going to look at others and feel "less" than or wonder why they seem more blessed.

The other thing that I am trying to focus on is letting God lead me where he needs me. I get chopped down so often for thinking to deeply and not being able to "shut down" my brain. I take NOTHING at face value. I'm always looking for an underlying message. This is no different. Instead of asking God "WHY" are you allowing these obstacles to come at us, I'm going to ask "WHAT" instead. WHAT is God wanting to teach me? WHAT does he need me to do? I don't have that answer yet, but I'm earnestly seeking. Perhaps, He just wants me to be right here, right now feeling on shaky ground so I have no choice but to focus on Him for EVERYTHING. Perhaps, he just wants me to be right here, right now so that I can prove to myself that I'm stronger than I think I am. Maybe He just needs to prove to myself that I don't have to run away when the going is tough! Perhaps He just wants me to be able to find peace despite NOT being able to "fix" everything. When you are a "fixer" by nature, it's not an easy place to be.

Learning to take one hour or minute at a time. Learning to not let fear and worry overtake or paralyze. Learning to not run when times are hard. Learning..........that's what it's all about. Sometimes it doesn't come the easy way.

Too Blog or not to Blog...

I've had to consider ending my week long journey in the blogging world. Putting things in black & white for the "world" to see is like signing a formal contract. If I'm going to talk the talk, I have to walk the walk kind of thing! It sure is like Satan is waiting to see what my thoughts are and then working overtime to make sure I have plenty of situations to "put my money where my mouth is!" Blogging is now what I consider "Accountability" on steroids.

Part of me says, just write about non-spiritual issues and keep it "light" and maybe he will leave me alone. That would be the easy path. That would surely keep me in my comfort zone and in my own "little box". That would be the coward's path. I starting blogging because I was tired of being a coward and pushed around. I was tired of having to "water down" my faith.

Guess, it didn't take too long for me to figure out what my decision was going to be. Despite how being truthful and honest is not necessarily the easiest path, I'm going to walk it. I may have to walk REALLY slow and even have people lead me along the path, but I'm going to keep moving ahead. IF the path gets rocky, muddy, or I get bogged down....I'm still going to move forward, even if it is at a snail's pace. Eventually even a snail gets to where he is going!

So Satan----for those numerous temptations you have thrown my way these past few days---I say thank you. Thank you for letting me see that my faith may waiver, but I'll never give up. Thank you for reminding me that MY GOD is bigger than ANYTHING and EVERYTHING you have! I may struggle to make the right decisions, say the right things, maintain the right attitudes, and LISTS of other things.....but I KNOW who can help me overcome EVERYTHING you have to throw at me. Thank you for reminding me that I'm weak, but HE is strong. Thank you for reminding me that people fail and there is only ONE who walks in perfection.

I've been working on a prayer binder for probably at least a year, but it flopped. Or I should say I flopped. I never got past the planning stage, just like so many other things in my life. However some people lit a fire under my tail lately and inspired me to get back on it! I can officially say it is in process. The binder itself is complete and now I'm working on the content----the part that really matters. Right now I'm working through Stormie Omartian's books---specifically at this point the praying wife and praying parent----and typing out notes from each chapter, her closing prayer and scripture references, plus any thoughts I have at the time about each topic. Each topic is then put in my binder and each day of the month will eventually have it's topic. I have other sections as well, but the "bulk" of "work" will go into these sections. Being at this stage of life, it's taking a little longer than I want, but I'm moving forward. I thought about just speeding through and just getting it done for the sake of having done, but in my heart I know that it's better to go slow and deep.

Just this Thursday during my FIRST time alone in years thanks to ALL 3 kids being involved in some capacity at Parent's Morning Out at church, I worked on the 1st section and only got finished with the "wife" part. Wouldn't you know it....just because I wrote it down, Satan found ways to already attempt to make me give it up. He has already tried to derail my attempt at going even deeper in my relationship with Kevin. Section one talks in depth about the need to pray for my own heart before I can effectively pray for him. Specifically it talks about how to handle our thoughts and hearts when our spouse has hurt us. My response to Kevin, my thoughts/feelings, etc.. are just as damaging and can be just as sinful as whatever he may do that hurts me. God considers my sins of unforgiveness, anger, self-pity, lovelessness, bitterness, etc... (anything not of "pure" heart) JUST as bad as whatever "it" is that he may have done (or not done).

Well, in my experience, you write it down and commit to it.....yes, you guessed it....you get an opportunity to put it into action. That is where I am now. For the sake of privacy and maintaining respect of one another, I'll just say today is vividly about "love in action". He hurt me deeply in an action/inaction and God is speaking to me about how to handle it. My flesh side says make him suffer, beat him down, make him hurt as much or more than I am. Unfortunately that is my initial reaction. However, because of where God has been leading me and leading us together, I can't maintain that attitude. I have to remember that there are times I have hurt him and times in the future I will as well and I have needed or will need him to show me grace and forgiveness. Does it make the hurt any less real to release a spouse (friend, child, parent, co-worker, etc..) from their "action" by forgiving them? Yes and no. No because actions/inactions REALLY do hurt emotionally and healing doesn't instantly always happen. Yes, because that forgiveness is what DOES bring about healing.

I have to let God work on ME so that "conflicts" don't grow and develop into something larger. If my heart is full of unforgiveness or other impurities, a wall will grow until there is not only a wedge between Kevin and I, but also between myself and God. That's a path I've been down MANY times, but I don't want to take again. So despite the real feelings of hurt, I'm choosing to say change ME, Lord. He will work out the details with Kevin, it's not up to me.

So, Satan.....again thanks. Thanks for giving me that opportunity to love my husband through each and every fault. What you expected to use as a tool for your glory will instead belong to God. He will get the glory of restoration, you won't get the glory of destruction. God will get the glory of healing ALL hurt feelings, you won't get the glory of allowing bitterness and hurt to grow. You loose. WE win!

So, I'm going to keep on. I'm going to keep on blogging and know that Satan is going to make me have lots of opportunities to "put my money where my mouth is". I know that Satan is going to give me MANY opportunities to put those specific prayers for my husband and children into action. I know that it is going to be worth it! However, Satan......it would be nice if you would just back off and give me a little bit of peace. You already know who is going to be victorious, so you could just go ahead and give up....... :)

Too blog or not to blog......to go forward or backward......I already know the answer to that question. Bring it on!

"Slow Fade"

****warning, rant coming........ :) *****

I want to be completely honest. I'm extremely frustrated and broken. I'm struggling with the attitudes of people around me and my own as well. My thoughts keep coming back to the words of Casting Crowns' song "Slow Fade". To watch an actual video with the lyrics http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C9BprPPzIjQ (This particular video is based on marital infidelity, but it applies to MANY MANY other issues).

The song talks about how "things" just don't happen. You don't wake up in the morning and decide to break you wedding vows without having made some previous choices to take you down that path. You don't wake up and say today I'm going to become addicted to drugs, alcohol, pornography, etc... It's about the small decisions we make, the things that we don't think matter at the moment. It's about those first steps that "blur" black and white. WE are living in a world that tends to only see gray, without distinctive definitions of right and wrong. And it breaks my heart. Finding people that see the black and white is becoming more difficult all the time. Kevin and I have almost a daily discussion about the alienation we feel because it just seems like we are "freaks".

Let's get it down to where the "rubber hits the road" as one of our pastors used to say. Many of us can say, we aren't addicted to drugs. We treat our marriage vows with respect. We don't do anything nearly as "sinful" as that. WE are above those sins. Maybe.....maybe not! What difference does it make as to "what" sin it is? Sin is sin.

As Christians our lives ARE supposed to look different from that of non-Christians. Romans 12:2 tells us to not be conformed of this world, but transformed by the renewing of our minds.... Kevin and I feel like we stick out like a sore thumb! We get told VERY often that our morals are just so outdated and not "normal". As lonely as it feels MANY days, we are making a daily choice to not back down. The problem is that the further we go along on this journey with God, the more it seems like we ARE "freaks".

What happened to parents BEING parents and not best friends/peers? I'm thankful I have a close relationship with my daughter and that we are able to talk about ANYTHING. However, there is not one instance that she doesn't know that FIRST and FOREMOST, I am her mother. When did we as a community decide that it was better to be concerned with our kids "liking" us and less about what MATTERS MOST! For example, I have an almost 13 year old daughter that isn't allowed to watch PG-13 movies, except in very RARE circumstances. For the most part, we check movie reviews with Plugged In from Focus on the Family BEFORE we watch most movies as a family (even PG or G). Adriana is just about the only one in her group at church that doesn't have her own facebook, yet. Why are so many parents signing up their children as young as elementary school age? Even if you CLOSELY watch your child and "protect" them from what they may see or who may see them, you still are teaching them it's OK to LIE. Facebook policy states you must be 13 . What are we teaching our kids by "fudging" their birth dates? I don't want to teach my daughter that's it's OK to lie just so she can fit in with her peers. Our kids are WATCHING every tiny thing we do. They see the good, bad, and ugly.....and I give her enough of the bad and ugly that I SURE don't want to add to it!

Kevin & I are also hard pressed to find other adults that choose not to socially drink alcohol. WE are no longer the "norm". We have MANY reasons of why WE choose not do, but our biggest reason comes back to that "do not be conformed" and believe it hurts our Christian witness. It's also about believing that we teach our children BEST by example.

The problem is that I feel when we make those "small" decisions that don't seem to really make much difference, we fail to realize that they set us up for the next step. Before long we will find that our comfort zone changes. What once gave us a pause in our conscience no longer even has a flicker.

I'm finding that happening especially in our choices of TV shows. At one point in our lives ANY usage of "poor" language....even the "softer" words.....bothered us. Now it seems to fly by without nearly an alarm going off unless it's one of those HUGE no-no words! I'm no longer comfortable with that. I'm not happy with myself in becoming "used" to language, images, and such on TV. I think it's time I step back and see where my own lines of black and white have turned to gray. As the song warns, be careful what your eyes see....... For example, I admit I LOVE the show Brother's & Sister's because I have always enjoyed some of the actresses and I find myself ALWAYS finding something to laugh about and get pulled into the "drama". However, I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed that I'm drawn into that world. A world I KNOW is wrong. A world that promotes MANY of the things I'm against in real life. Where did I cross my own line of black and white? At what point did I let little choices lead to compromise?

Perhaps the big question is where else is God going to lead me to show me that I've compromised? Where is he going to lead you? Are we going to listen to Him when he shows us REAL black and WHITE or are we going to walk in the gray? I guess I'm going to be finding myself being called "freak" more often, because I'd rather be listening to HIM than trying to fit into a world that no longer can see what is right and wrong. Sometimes it's going to be a painful choice, but the benefits FAR outweigh the temporary discomfort!