Confession. They say it is good for the soul. Maybe so. Maybe not. Regardless, I have a confession to make. I need a heart transplant. At the very least, a big attitude adjustment. You see, I have a weakness. Actually, I have LOTS of weaknesses but one specific area has become a real issue.
The issue is how my thoughts become negative, my heart becomes hard, or my attitude IMMEDIATELY changes at the mention of a few specific names. In general, it's those people that have significantly hurt me in the past or those people that just really "rub" me the wrong way. WE ALL have those people in our lives. It's impossible to be human without having had someone REALLY hurt you. It's those people that you have to interact with that go out of their way to push you down to make themselves appear "bigger" (notice the word APPEAR!). It's those people that treat you one way in front of an audience and another way behind closed doors. It's those people that are VERY quick to point out other people's faults, but NEVER can admit they themselves are flawed. It's not just a matter of being judgmental or pointing out changes that need to be made out of love....it's those people that REALLY think they are above everyone.
I need a heart transplant to change how my heart reacts or how my thoughts behave after being in contact with these kinds of people. I don't like how I respond. I behave on the "outside", but on the inside (where I believe it matters most!) my thoughts are in turmoil. I'm either thinking negative thoughts about them or allow myself to think negative thoughts about myself. It's a dangerous cycle.
What I've discovered about myself is that in times that I've had significant exposure to any of the people on my list, my entire attitude becomes negative. It seems as if I have a weakness of allowing that tiny seed of doubt, anger, jealousy, bitterness SNOWBALL. Without a single doubt in my mind, that is NOT pleasing to God.
I need a REAL heart transplant. I need God's heart to become mine and his thoughts to become mine. I need that real agape love to overtake me to the point that it seeps out of every single pore of my being. I need a huge dose of his ability to forgive FULLY. When he forgives, it becomes as far as the East is from the West and he remembers it no more. My heart needs to beat more in sync with his. My heart needs MORE of him and less of ME. Unfortunately, there isn't a miraculous surgery that makes it all instantly happen. However, I know that I'm willing to let him mold me and make me into what he needs me to be. Some days its more steps backwards than forward, but hopefully he'll get me moving in the right direction when I stumble.