"OK God. Enough is enough. You have our FULL attention. Please take away this horrific pain that Kevin is going through. Though it may only be 30 minutes at a time, it's the most terrifying, helpless 30 minutes you can imagine. I'm exhuasted, broken, stressed and overwhelmed. We have remained faithful to you in such hard times and put as much effort into being as pleasing and devoted to you as we can. We see those OBVIOUSLY living outside of your will and yet they seem more blessed than we can ever dream of. God all we are asking is for this to stop. I don't feel like I can watch him go through another one. It literally rips me apart and shakes my faith EVERY single time. I know that when we are growing in you and getting closer to you, that Satan throws EVERY temptation, trial, and obstacle he has to try and derail us. It's working. We are SO wanting to surrender, but we AREN'T. Please take that into consideration and get Satan OFF of us. WE just need some good things to happen for a change. SHOW us that YOU are in control & that YOU have our best interest at heart. RESTORE us, REVIVE us, BLESS us. WE need miracles right now that you can only provide. You know EACH and EVERY desire of our hearts and our most immediate needs. We aren't asking for trivial things. We don't deserve your favor, but God we are asking anyway. Your word says to ask and believe. We've been asking & we've been believing, but that believing is getting harder each & every second that passes. Don't allow these trials to continue to steal our confidence and joy we have in you. REVEAL your plan for us. We are tired of wandering & searching. Help us find our purpose, path, and direction. We are physically & emotionally tired. Stop Satan from hindering us & keeping us from You. Give us peace that only you can provide. Let others see our faithfulness so they can SEE YOU. "
Prayer is a VERY intimate & personal thing. Some people can publicly pray without a second thought. I AM NOT like that. I'm not one that feels comfortable praying out loud. It's not in my personality. I'm not a verbal, people person in the very least. I'm the poster child for introvert. That's ok because God hears my silent prayers just as much as He can hear those that are freely spoken. However, I felt led tonight to make it "public".
There is no denying that we are struggling with some VERY real issues right now. I'm in a near panic mode needing God to answer prayers immediately and I'm not going to lie. It doesn't feel like he is listening or answering them. At least he isn't answering them to MY satisfaction. We ALL know that is a hard place to be in. We've ALL had the answer of "No" or "not yet". We ALL know that frustration. What is really hard & is ripping me apart is that I'm not asking for frivolous things. I'm JUST asking for some VERY BASIC needs. How can those answers be "no" or "not yet". As a parent, the last thing on earth we want is for our children to hurt. How can God as our heavenly father allow us to suffer? All I know is that whatever God has in store for us MUST be amazing and MUST really be something big for Satan to be attacking us so hard. He really must be terrified of God's power in us because he is doing EVERY single thing he can to silence our voices and create a wedge between us and God. Unfortunately, it's getting easier by the day to let that happen. Some how, some way......we will come through all of these obstacles and God will have been the only way that it could happen. Others will see how God delivered us. I'm just praying for that day to come MUCH sooner than later.
Kevin: hang in there. It hurts so much to see you going through this physical pain & it does terrify me. Watching my normally calm, solid as a rock husband torn apart like that is suffocating. It's 3:00 in the morning and you've been back asleep for about an hour, but I'm wide awake despite being physically & emotionally DRAINED. Watching you tonight and being RELIEVED to hear you snoring beside me just brought me back to that hospital bed with Peyton. It's that same helpless & exhausted feelings we experienced with him. God brought us through that and at times we doubted Him then. He's going to bring you through this AND all the other issues we are personally dealing with. We just have to hold on & hang on to that. We both had that moment with Peyton of feeling like we couldn't go another second, but we did.....and did...and did.....for days on end. I know you are physically in pain and even worse at times emotionally & spritually hurting. Don't give up. Don't run. Don't shut down & build back up those walls we've worked so hard to knock down. Despite the message you get from so many people, YOU ARE AN AMAZING man! NEVER doubt it. YES, you sometimes fail and at times failures come more than successes, but that DOES NOT diminish how amazing you are & how much I love you. You will NEVER get the credit you deserve and NEVER get the understanding of why you've made some of the decisions you've made, but I GET IT and there will be a time that everyone else will. Baby, just hang on and keep moving forward. EACH and EVERY word of our wedding song is coming alive for us MORE every day in ways we NEVER dreamed of......so just keep holding my hand and know that I will be here.....and focus on THAT special moment that "sealed the deal" for us & told us that we belonged together and nothing would EVER effectively pull us apart. When things are the hardest, I can look at the picture on our bedroom wall of that night & remember where I was in life and what had gone on up to that point and RELIVE that moment so VIVIDLY....the moment that changed EVERYTHING for both of us. God brought us together for a HUGE reason & I'm still anxiously waiting for him to reveal his FULL plan for us.
Sorry for the sappy, mushy note----but I felt it needed to be said and "on the record".