Another week, again? Wow---could time please slow down for just a bit?!
My daughter & I have been laughing at our "luck". It's not really funny, but it's a joke in our house. See, we have this magic power. Actually it's not a good thing. We tend to get excited about something, it falls apart. We THINK we get something worked out, it crashes. We THINK we are on track with something, it derails. It just doesn't occasionally happen. It seems to happen EVERY time we open our mouth, think the thought, or breathe a sigh of relief. It is SO not funny, but if we don't laugh about it we would stay too focused on the pain it brings and get too caught up in it.
Just a VERY few hours after I submitted my last blog, everything changed. At the same time, Adriana had just told our neighbor how great things were going and what a relief it was that things were calming down. No surprise to us----it all crashed down. Kevin's headaches returned with a vengeance. Back to stressing over that, not sleeping, every emotion possible--just absolute pure frustration. Along with not sleeping and extreme stress comes my body breaking down. It's a vicious cycle. I did everything possible to avoid it----but it only worked for so long. I found solace, stress relief, extra energy, mood boosting endorphins from taking long walks to get "through" the rough days. That worked until my body said enough is enough. BOY, do I miss those de-stressing walks. CAN NOT wait until I'm recovered enough to get back on it----that is one thing I am not giving up on!
Financially we struggle to keep our heads above water due to the fact that we've been one income for 13 years. Just about the time I think we have everything balanced, something goes wrong. Finally getting insurance worked out to pay for Kevin's medication and oxygen was a HUGE relief. However, everything else seems to be going wrong. Even with insurance, a doctors visit still wipes out $30 (which is HALF of my weekly food & household needs budget!)Bought a part to fix the washer. It only partially fixed the problem & the washer is still not functioning enough to use. I never realized how "spoiled" I had become by not thinking twice about throwing a load of clothes in at any time. With TWO incredibly messy boys, a dog that constantly needs his paws wiped, a gym rat that goes through workout gear constantly, a husband that has to change clothes as soon as he walks in due to the chemical smells that are attracted to his clothes, it ADDS up quickly. A trip to the Laundromat, yields ALL clothes done at once, but wipes out $11-$13 in quarters! My dear husband failed to fully stop at a stop sign in the lovely town of Arcola at 5:30 in the morning.......with NOT a single soul in sight.....except the cop. Doesn't matter that he he NEVER does that or that he was running late because of a stupid headache. Another $75 to deal with. Came out of work at lunch the next day to find his tire flat. Thought it would be an easy $10 fix.........of course not. Can't be repaired and you know you can't just replace ONE tire. Where will that $400 come from? Got the bill for Bradlee's ER adventure. The trip we tried EVERYTHING to avoid. Our pediatrician refused to see him & gave us no choice but to be seen by the ER. Walked in and the DR said, we did NOT need to be there and that if any medical professional had looked at him, they would have seen immediately that he was in pain from a neck injury NOT meningitis. DID nothing for him. Our cost AFTER insurance $475. The list goes on and on. The problem is that it all falls just after we prayed for financial blessings for God's help to get us through some difficult times. NOT quite the answer we were looking for.
It goes on and on. We thought we were going to get a resolution to a painful situation we were dealing with. Got VERY excited to see God had opened a door that needed opened in a MAJOR way-----but as soon as it opened, it slammed shut. Reached out to specific people for support and encouragement to get through these rough days.....came back empty handed. Learned that some friendships just really aren't worth it, but have yet to figure out how to fully accept it and move on.
Now what? Lay down & give up. That's what a huge part of me says. OK, that's what almost ALL of me says. However, the little inner voice that keeps me going is speaking louder every minute. IT knows that we've been through hard times before MUCH MUCH harder times, and we came out. Now is no different. LIFE can and will return to "normal". WE will find doors open again. Some of those painful relationships will not survive, but others will spring up. THAT is a fact. I've already been blessed by some AMAZINGLY supportive women in my life over the last several months. My tender heart & emotions may make things difficult some days, but most other days they make me the person that I am and love to be. They give me a heart for God, for my family, and for making things better for others when I can. Bruises & wounds heal. Lessons get learned....some just painfully. I will keep moving forward. I will keep looking for the ONE that my eyes should be set on. I will keep trying to find ways to stay connected & maintain the right priorities. I will keep digging deeper & finding where my true source of happiness & contentment comes from.
Just maybe next time, we will try it the opposite and see what happens. Maybe we will say it's horrible.....or please take money away.....or anything negative.....and maybe just maybe GOOD will happen! Nah......we'll just keep praising God through the storms & know that there is no other way that we survived and that he is the one that is TRULY deserving of every ounce of praise we have to give. Maybe that is all He wants and needs from me. He just needs me to have all of my focus on Him and less on the outside world.