A real look at this morning and REAL honesty.
I know nothing is ever really a waste and that ANY day given by God is a gift. But today, was a waste. It was a waste because I let it be. Today at church was one of those days that I should have just stayed home. I feel like an alien has overtaken my mind and body these days. From the second my eyes opened this morning, NOTHING has gone right. We stayed up late, lost an hour with the time change and couldn't get going and slept through alarms/hit snooze too many times. Kevin was wiped out and a grouch after having YET another unbelievable headache that didn't quickly go away. I'm by nature NOT a morning person. Well, when you are running late to start with, you know what happens because of Murphy's Law. So this morning was one of those if it could go wrong, it did kind of days. It doesn't matter that we tried to plan ahead for the time change and morning mad dash by laying clothes out last night. I REALLY did plan ahead and hoped for today to be a GREAT day of COMPLETE focus on God. It just didn't happen that way.
Instead of what being at church SHOULD have been like, I found myself letting EVERY little thing snowball until I lost ALL focus. I smiled, waved, acknolweged those around me----but inside my emotions were flipping and flopping all over the place. Even when we got in the van, as soon as I finished writing our check for offering and passing out the kids "Jesus" money as we call it, I paused in my spirit and asked God to calm me and help me to focus back in on Him. Normally that is all it takes after a mad dash to get out the door. IF it doesn't immediately happen, I do find that peace come over me during worship. That made no difference either. It wasn't the worship leaders fault.....their hearts were in it just like normal and they sang some of my normally favorite songs. I sang the words, but they never reached me and they never connected me to the one I was singing those songs for. Worship was NOT worship in my heart today.....it was just a sing-a-long. The message never really pierced my heart either. It was an important one and I DID hear the words and I did think about what he was saying.......but my own thoughts were swirling around in my head too much that HIS words got crowded out. I did catch a few thoughts that did give me pause and did BEGIN to minister to my heart and make me think, but I wasn't able to give them enough time to root and grow. Communion time is usually a time of reflection and a "calming" few moments that I usually CRAVE. The "silence" was defeaning and I couldn't find that peace today.
Today should have been a day of getting my batteries recharged. I should have found that connection with God that normally inspires me to keep going another week. I normally find an intimate connection with Kevin. Nothing has been more helpful to our marriage than the spiritual intimacy of being in church ALONE together (now that ALL 3 of the kids have their own place to be and LOVE being there!). Not being pulled in a million directions, just being there together solely focused on the same page has been amazing. I look forward to that "oasis" of being connected to each other by being connected to God. His arm around my shoulder or my hand on his knee, his arm around my waist or holding my hand during worship & prayer.....those things recharge me like NOTHING else. THAT was also missing today. What should have been an amazing bonding time for us, especially after reconnecting last night on some issues, was instead like sitting next to a stranger.
Because my mind was so full of EVERYTHING else and I couldn't get my mind on what DID matter, I'm still finding myself out of sorts. I was REALLY looking forward to being FULLY present at church this morning and now that I wasn't, waiting another week feels impossible. I'm almost panic stricken and I don't know what to do. I know God can find me ANYWHERE and use ANY person or ANY thing to minister and that he is truly just a prayer away. Worship doesn't just take place in church. I GET that-----but it's just not feeling the same at the moment. I already feel like this week is going to be a horrible, stress filled week because I was already feeling that way AND just needed this morning to give me a boost----but because I allowed MYSELF to get in the way of that happening, I don't know what to do! I can't get my mind to slow down and I can't get my spirit to calm.
So, if next Sunday morning starts out this way again; if the rush out the door gets me in this big of a "mess", I've learned a lesson. One I wish I had thought about this morning. Slow down, breathe in and out and JUST GO TO THE 10:45 service you big goofball!!!!!!! Yes, we would have to drop Adriana off so she could have attended her small group like normal, but we could have come back to worship in a better frame of mind. Yes, it would have been a different set of faces in a large church like ours and I may not have gotten my typical seat or my favorite pastry, but by gosh, I might have been CONNECTED to God and not feeling so insane right now! Maybe because my stress levels ARE intense right now it wouldn't have been perfect, BUT I'm certain God would have had a much easier task at reaching me than he did today. Gosh, where is that rewind button.....if I had one, I KNOW I would be using it now to just go back and start this day over again. Starting this day over would surely be like starting the whole week back off with a better chance of keeping it ALL together. Right now I'm not carrying that same confidence.