Learning

No, I haven't disappeared. No, I didn't give up on blogging as an attempt to get Satan off my back. I don't give up that easy. However, it has been a TOUGH week or so and it just hasn't been easy to think clearly. Between caring for Bradlee's neck injury and pain last week and now Kevin's insane headaches, it's been an unsettling week!

Time for some real world honesty. To say that things are stressful for us right now is an understatement. LAST week's priorities have been changed to deal with THIS week's needs. The courage and energy I had last week, both physically and spiritually, have been zapped. Phsyically I'm struggling because stress and lupus are not good combinations. BUT I have no choice but to keep going and trying to fight through it. These days I feel like if I slow down, I may drop permanently!

Spiritually it's a huge struggle. Kevin and I constantly feel like JUST when we really feel like we are getting on track and feel like God is really leading us in a positive direction, we end up getting slammed from every direction. We are constantly in that mode of feeling like two steps forward, three steps backwards. Why can't Satan just get off our backs and leave us alone for once? Normally, when tough times come like this, it creates a wedge between God and us and between each other. We tend to back-off and stop trying to move forward.

NOT this time. I'm refusing to let these "rocky waters" push me off course. No matter how hard things may get, no matter how many mountains are in the way. Whatever it takes, whatever I have to do.....I'm not taking those three steps backwards. If I need help, I'm asking. If I need to "walk away" and get a few minutes of peace, I'm going to take it. If I need to stop and hug the kids and apologize for being moody, I'm going to do it. If I have to let some things go in order to focus on something else, I'm going to do it. I'm allowing myself the freedom to temporarily drop my perfectionist attitude and needs. I'm not going to look at others and feel "less" than or wonder why they seem more blessed.

The other thing that I am trying to focus on is letting God lead me where he needs me. I get chopped down so often for thinking to deeply and not being able to "shut down" my brain. I take NOTHING at face value. I'm always looking for an underlying message. This is no different. Instead of asking God "WHY" are you allowing these obstacles to come at us, I'm going to ask "WHAT" instead. WHAT is God wanting to teach me? WHAT does he need me to do? I don't have that answer yet, but I'm earnestly seeking. Perhaps, He just wants me to be right here, right now feeling on shaky ground so I have no choice but to focus on Him for EVERYTHING. Perhaps, he just wants me to be right here, right now so that I can prove to myself that I'm stronger than I think I am. Maybe He just needs to prove to myself that I don't have to run away when the going is tough! Perhaps He just wants me to be able to find peace despite NOT being able to "fix" everything. When you are a "fixer" by nature, it's not an easy place to be.

Learning to take one hour or minute at a time. Learning to not let fear and worry overtake or paralyze. Learning to not run when times are hard. Learning..........that's what it's all about. Sometimes it doesn't come the easy way.