Monday, March 8, 2010

Too Blog or not to Blog...

I've had to consider ending my week long journey in the blogging world. Putting things in black & white for the "world" to see is like signing a formal contract. If I'm going to talk the talk, I have to walk the walk kind of thing! It sure is like Satan is waiting to see what my thoughts are and then working overtime to make sure I have plenty of situations to "put my money where my mouth is!" Blogging is now what I consider "Accountability" on steroids.

Part of me says, just write about non-spiritual issues and keep it "light" and maybe he will leave me alone. That would be the easy path. That would surely keep me in my comfort zone and in my own "little box". That would be the coward's path. I starting blogging because I was tired of being a coward and pushed around. I was tired of having to "water down" my faith.

Guess, it didn't take too long for me to figure out what my decision was going to be. Despite how being truthful and honest is not necessarily the easiest path, I'm going to walk it. I may have to walk REALLY slow and even have people lead me along the path, but I'm going to keep moving ahead. IF the path gets rocky, muddy, or I get bogged down....I'm still going to move forward, even if it is at a snail's pace. Eventually even a snail gets to where he is going!

So Satan----for those numerous temptations you have thrown my way these past few days---I say thank you. Thank you for letting me see that my faith may waiver, but I'll never give up. Thank you for reminding me that MY GOD is bigger than ANYTHING and EVERYTHING you have! I may struggle to make the right decisions, say the right things, maintain the right attitudes, and LISTS of other things.....but I KNOW who can help me overcome EVERYTHING you have to throw at me. Thank you for reminding me that I'm weak, but HE is strong. Thank you for reminding me that people fail and there is only ONE who walks in perfection.

I've been working on a prayer binder for probably at least a year, but it flopped. Or I should say I flopped. I never got past the planning stage, just like so many other things in my life. However some people lit a fire under my tail lately and inspired me to get back on it! I can officially say it is in process. The binder itself is complete and now I'm working on the content----the part that really matters. Right now I'm working through Stormie Omartian's books---specifically at this point the praying wife and praying parent----and typing out notes from each chapter, her closing prayer and scripture references, plus any thoughts I have at the time about each topic. Each topic is then put in my binder and each day of the month will eventually have it's topic. I have other sections as well, but the "bulk" of "work" will go into these sections. Being at this stage of life, it's taking a little longer than I want, but I'm moving forward. I thought about just speeding through and just getting it done for the sake of having done, but in my heart I know that it's better to go slow and deep.

Just this Thursday during my FIRST time alone in years thanks to ALL 3 kids being involved in some capacity at Parent's Morning Out at church, I worked on the 1st section and only got finished with the "wife" part. Wouldn't you know it....just because I wrote it down, Satan found ways to already attempt to make me give it up. He has already tried to derail my attempt at going even deeper in my relationship with Kevin. Section one talks in depth about the need to pray for my own heart before I can effectively pray for him. Specifically it talks about how to handle our thoughts and hearts when our spouse has hurt us. My response to Kevin, my thoughts/feelings, etc.. are just as damaging and can be just as sinful as whatever he may do that hurts me. God considers my sins of unforgiveness, anger, self-pity, lovelessness, bitterness, etc... (anything not of "pure" heart) JUST as bad as whatever "it" is that he may have done (or not done).

Well, in my experience, you write it down and commit to it.....yes, you guessed get an opportunity to put it into action. That is where I am now. For the sake of privacy and maintaining respect of one another, I'll just say today is vividly about "love in action". He hurt me deeply in an action/inaction and God is speaking to me about how to handle it. My flesh side says make him suffer, beat him down, make him hurt as much or more than I am. Unfortunately that is my initial reaction. However, because of where God has been leading me and leading us together, I can't maintain that attitude. I have to remember that there are times I have hurt him and times in the future I will as well and I have needed or will need him to show me grace and forgiveness. Does it make the hurt any less real to release a spouse (friend, child, parent, co-worker, etc..) from their "action" by forgiving them? Yes and no. No because actions/inactions REALLY do hurt emotionally and healing doesn't instantly always happen. Yes, because that forgiveness is what DOES bring about healing.

I have to let God work on ME so that "conflicts" don't grow and develop into something larger. If my heart is full of unforgiveness or other impurities, a wall will grow until there is not only a wedge between Kevin and I, but also between myself and God. That's a path I've been down MANY times, but I don't want to take again. So despite the real feelings of hurt, I'm choosing to say change ME, Lord. He will work out the details with Kevin, it's not up to me.

So, Satan.....again thanks. Thanks for giving me that opportunity to love my husband through each and every fault. What you expected to use as a tool for your glory will instead belong to God. He will get the glory of restoration, you won't get the glory of destruction. God will get the glory of healing ALL hurt feelings, you won't get the glory of allowing bitterness and hurt to grow. You loose. WE win!

So, I'm going to keep on. I'm going to keep on blogging and know that Satan is going to make me have lots of opportunities to "put my money where my mouth is". I know that Satan is going to give me MANY opportunities to put those specific prayers for my husband and children into action. I know that it is going to be worth it! However, would be nice if you would just back off and give me a little bit of peace. You already know who is going to be victorious, so you could just go ahead and give up....... :)

Too blog or not to go forward or backward......I already know the answer to that question. Bring it on!


erinf said...

You should bring your prayer journal in sometime so I can check it out! You are amazing girl and I love reading your posts!

Sonnie said...

Keep blogging. I love to read it. I want to start a prayer journal. Maybe you can help me in that area and we will help each other to be accountable. Love you Tracye

Anonymous said...

I love reading your blog. It is so real and so helpful that we are all not perfect. We are all a work in progress. You are an encouragement and I hope you do continue to blog!