Chris Tomlin - Take My Life

Last night, I woke up a couple of times and each time a portion of this song kept going through my head. Several lines kept speaking to my heart, but the "Here am I, all of me. Take my life, it's all for thee" is what kept grabbing my heart and would NOT let go.

I kept thinking about how I REALLY want those words to be fully, thoroughly, completely true.

But to be honest, how often do I hold something back? It may be out of fear, those little doubts, stubbornness or selfishness. How many times am I actually saying "Here is MOST of me?" How many times am I giving Him almost all of me, but holding on to that last little bit? Just enough for ME to maintain control.

Ouch.

I kept thinking about how I also hold back just enough because I am fearful. So many times it seems like about the time I REALLY start growing spiritually, Satan comes full force and I start backing off. I was reminded of how many times I don't step out in faith because I know that as soon as I do, obstacles suddenly appear.

For example, just this last week we sat down and put our goals in writing to be debt free this year. We know it's possible next year, but we really want to focus and make it happen this year. We made a plan and committed to it. We specifically wrote out what we were going to pay each month in addition to regular payments to pay off our last two bills. Going to be difficult and we WILL have to make other sacrifices, but it is possible. We made the commitment.

Of course, by the next day...obstacles! Situations to distract from every direction. My wedding ring broke completely into two pieces. It made me sad, but I hung on to our commitment to apply everything we can to debt. My ring can wait until next year. Next day, my laptop screen backlight stopped working. I was SMACK dab in the middle of starting B90 and getting the next semester of school ready. HAD to purchase a monitor to plug the laptop into. Yes, it's inconvenient....but it's still workable. Distractions to keep us from our goal.

I feel like that type thing happens EVERY time we step out in faith or when we are growing spiritually and doing things in His will. So often that I realize now I hold back. Just committing to participate in B90 again made me nervous. Satan REALLY doesn't like it now that I'm leading a group that grew WAY quicker than I ever dreamed. It didn't take him two seconds of sending resistance for me to start second guessing.

But here is the reality. I'm not backing down. I'm sick and tired of holding back because of my fears. I'm sick and tired of holding back because I'm scared to give God that last little part of me.

He wants ALL of me. He deserves that and more. He wants my FULL trust. He doesn't want me to say here is MOST of me. I can't hold onto parts of my will. That's like saying, God I trust you....but not completely.

The way that song spoke to me last night and the thoughts that came later, I know it's Him telling me that NOW is the time. Now is the time to give Him ALL. I might be a WEE bit nervous....OK completely terrified. I might meet resistance from "the world". I might be uncomfortable and I might have to step FAR outside out of my comfort zone.

That's ok.

Because I know this, He is already there. He is just waiting with open arms. He knows exactly what plans He has for me and He is NEVER going to leave me alone. He didn't promise following Him would be easy. I may feel vulnerable at times. I might even feel like giving up. Yet, I know the victory will be much greater!

I was reminded of another song last night and today. A song that reminds me of who God designed me to be.

Courageous by Casting Crowns.

We (I) were made to be courageous. We (I) were made to lead the way.

The only way we'll (I) ever stand, is on our knees with lifted hands.

Make us (me) courageous. Lord make us (me) courageous.