Yet, in that wrap-up God found me and moved all over me. He found a way to touch a tender point that had been rubbing a raw spot within my soul.
"Like all families, we have yelling, fighting, hurt feelings, messy rooms, and other aspects of a normal family life. But above all, we desire to be a family centered on God, fierce in our commitment to Him and to each other."
Here is some honesty. Everyone says they like it when I'm raw and honest. Well, here is another round....
I have this HUGE desire to raise a family with Christ as the center, be the most incredible wife I possibly can be for my husband, resemble the Proverbs 31 woman as much as possible, be a servant of Christ, etc... (that list goes on and on!). Yet, I feel like I'm dropping the ball.
There are minutes I want to pull my hair out because the kids are picking on each other relentlessly even though I'm looking at them blue in the face as I try to remind them again and again that in this house we treat each other with unconditional love and respect. You know the drill.
I ask them to do something and they half way do it or don't do it all. In one ear and out the other syndrome.
I want to run and hide because not five minutes before the house was clean and now someone is at the door and it looks like a tornado ripped through.
I want to bang my head on the table or computer because I'm reteaching the same skill over and over when three days ago he/she showed competency and mastery.
I want to hide my head in shame because I've failed to put Kevin as a top priority or I take some kind of frustration out on him that is undeserving.
I planned to answer my child with a soft voice and tenderly correct, but instead I resorted to the raised voice or "because I said so".
I thought I was over this or that, but yet that bitterness, unforgiveness, jealousy, anger, etc... keeps creeping back in.
I did this......I didn't do that.......I wish I did that....I wish I didn't do that...
All of those negatives have been overtaking my heart in recent weeks. On the outside, everything has looked fine to everyone. Yet, on the inside.....total different story. Negative self talk. Inability to see the GREAT things. Turmoil about not measuring up.
When I read those few lines in the book, it made me stop. It made me see that these things I call failures are NOT failures. They are just real, normal life. If life was perfect and my home/family was perfect in all aspects, I wouldn't have need for God. "Failing" keeps me off the pedestal----either from putting myself on top of one or by letting others put me on one. In this family, we do real.....we don't do perfect.
What matters is this: it's the second half of that statement. "But above all, we desire to be a family centered on God, fierce in our commitment to Him and each other." Truthfully, I've never read a statement that describes our family and the desires of my heart any better. Is there anything better? Is there any goal any greater? No.
As long as our hearts are in the right place and our focus is on the right things, the little things that aren't perfect no longer matter.
A couple of lines later in the book was this: "There's just something so beautiful about knowing we're a family and knowing that God knit us together".
Yes, I agree. There IS just something beautiful about our family. There IS just something beautiful knowing that God knit us together.
Tonight, my heart isn't as heavy and my wounds aren't as raw. The failures don't scream as loudly. The negative self-talk and the lies of Satan are a bit less audible. I'm embracing the beauty of what God has given me!