I had someone mention they had missed me in "blogging" world this last week or so. There was concern if I was "OK" since I had gone silent for longer than normal.
Here's the truth. I've been somewhat speechless. I've just not had words free-flowing and bubbling out. For someone that can write page after page fairly effortlessly, it's been quite strange.
Yes, I have been busy. Beyond busy. Life has thrown a few unexpected curve balls in recent weeks. I've been balancing more on my plate than I expected.
However, the truth is...I would have found time. I typically make the time. It's just that right now I feel some extra weight in regards to blogging world.
Some situations have come up in recent weeks that made me realize that my words are reaching more people than I ever dreamed possible and in ways I wasn't really expecting. I started this blog just as an encouragement and specifically as a place to put my thoughts on "paper" instead of being trapped in my own heart/head. I never dreamed that "anyone" would really read it and I most definitely didn't expect that it would become such a big part of me. Because of these recent "events" for lack of a better way to describe it, I've had to take some time to step back. Step back to make sure that God is in every word I write. Step back to make sure my priorities are in the right place. Step back to make sure that my heart is in the right place.
You see, along the way I stopped just writing for myself. I stopped just recording memories for my children (which are STILL important!). I stopped just using it as a tool for my family and friends to see what was going on in our lives. I stopped just writing what I was feeling so my husband could "peak" into my world so our lines of communication would open up in amazing ways. Those things are still true, but....
It changed. Somewhere along the way it became a place of "my" ministry to form. It became the place to connect with Christian women around the world. Literally. My statistics are showing that in a typical week, I am having the words I write read from all over the United States and multiple countries. Emails come in often about how something I wrote touched someones heart at just the right time.
For me, *that* has become heavy. Knowing that my words are affecting people....those I know and those that I will never know has just come down upon my shoulders and made me temporarily pull back.
It comes down to this, I want to be used of God. It's a desire that is growing more daily. My husband shared with me earlier today that he is nervous. He is nervous because he feels like with the growth and changing that is going on, God may be getting ready to ask something big of us. In his words, maybe a hut in Africa. Though I'm not sure that is our calling, I won't say it isn't. It just means we are recognizing that sitting still and "being" isn't going to keep us content much longer.
If my words are reaching the hearts of others, I have to be careful. Sure, this is "just" a blog. Yes, many times I'm just talking about the ordinary days in the life of our family. Nothing spectacular. Yet, many others are about faith and living a Christian life. This is where the *heaviness* has set in. I want to make sure that every single thing is inspired by God and that I'm allowing Him to speak through me. My words no longer matter.
I just can't really describe it. I guess the last week or so has been about making a choice. Making a choice to treat this just as "fun" (which it IS!!!) or letting it be a place of ministry. I've chosen to let God use me however He needs me and that is no different in cyber-world. I said yes....and now I wait. I wait for Him to guide me. There won't be any really noticeable changes in my posts from the outside, but from the inside they are huge. It's just that when I write, I'm taking it more seriously because this isn't just about me and my little family anymore. God has taken it to the next level and I want to make sure that I'm following His guidance EVERY step of the way.
My family will tell you I've been highly emotional the last several days. Though other issues are going on, *this* is one of the top things that have been sitting on my shoulders. I guess it's as if by not writing I was choosing to run from what God is asking of me. I've finally come to the realization that I can't run! I'm accepting His call and going to trust Him to lead me. I'm not certain what doors He is opening and where this will lead, but I already know without a doubt that it has gone much farther than I EVER dreamed. I'm a nobody. I'm "just" a mom. Nothing special. Nothing remarkable. Yet, for some reason God is asking me to be used of Him. How? I don't know, yet. I'm just going to trust that He will reveal that plan day after day.
Someone told me about a year ago that as a stay at home mom (SPECIFICALLY as a homeschooling mom) that I didn't have a ministry. I wasn't letting my "light shine" and reaching out. I knew in my heart how VERY wrong that person was, but yet it stung. It STILL hurts. What I know now is that God knew just how very wrong that person was. He was already opening doors. He already had plans in motion that I couldn't see then and really don't even see right now.
So, my silence has been a time of soul-searching. Prayerfully pleading for direction. Prayerfully requesting more of Him and less of me. Though at this point, I don't know that anything I write will be any different, but it WILL be with more of the realization of how far reaching the potential can be. Little is much when God's in it. I just know that a shift has taken place and I'm wanting to be obedient. Obedient to whatever that may be. Though I admit that these "realizations" of how my thoughts and feelings are touching other people was a bit unnerving, I am grateful. Humbled. ABSOLUTELY! Scared? Admitedly so. Ready for what He has in store? Holding on and trusting. Being obedient.