Monday, June 20, 2011

Not Perfect---A Bit of Honesty

I made it through Father's Day.  I didn't make it through Father's Day. 

I made it through most of the day with just a heavy heart, but no break downs.  Kevin left a precious card for me to find while we were getting ready for church supporting me through the day and acknowledging he knew I was struggling.  I didn't lose it.  I punched his arm and told him "thank for trying to make me cry" and used humor to push the moment away.  I made it through the sweet emails, facebook messages and texts from friends far and near offering prayer and encouragement.  They each meant so much and I focused on their sweetness and my gratefulness for such friends.  I really tried NOT to think about why they were sending them.  I made it through the kids giving Kevin his Father's Day gifts without a hint of problem.  After all, it was HIS day!  It also helped knowing that I most likely would have not seen my Dad in person this weekend.  It was easy to not feel much different than previous years in that regards.  I made it through the tear jerker video at church because I was so focused on the day being about Kevin and I treasured the fact that he is striving to be the godly father presented in the video.  I made it through church and seeing friends that know my heart by being busy.  Running here, running there....didn't have time to slow down and let anything really hit.  Lunch wasn't a problem either because as typical we laughed so often that sadness really didn't have a chance to root.  I made it through the phone ringing time after time as Kevin enjoyed calls from his boys and talking to his own Dad.  Again, the focus was about Kevin enjoying his day.  I made it through texting back and forth with Teresa by acknowledging yes it was a rough day, but moving on to other things.  I didn't allow myself chance to focus on the heavy heart aspects.  By the end of the day, I was thrilled to have felt like I made it through the toughest "first".  It wasn't easy, but I had made it.   I was actually quite proud and grateful.  I was thinking "I did it" was tough, but not as bad as I was expecting.  I got ready for bed with the confidence that this one was off the list and I could move on.

Then reality hit!  When the house was quiet and I had no more excuses to be busy, my heart couldn't handle it any longer.  Focusing on the GREATNESS of my earthly father celebrating fatherhood in the presence of our heavenly father no longer soothed and encouraged.  Attempting to spend time enjoying my relationship with Kevin created havoc in my brain.  Without getting too detailed----I'll just say----we were both thrilled to take on this weeks Level 3 challenge whole-heartedly, especially since neither of us was willing to take the 3rd challenge the last two weeks  (FCC sermon series on Song of Solomon).  However, intimacy in it's entirety and as God designed requires complete focus on feelings, emotions, all the senses, vulnerability, etc...  The collision of those emotions just broke me. 

At first I was angry and agitated.  I was mad at myself for not being able to shut my brain off and control my emotions.  I had been able to do it the rest of the day and was furious that I could no longer do it when I really wanted to the most.  I was ready for the day to be over and was ready to switch gears and focus solely on my husband and our roles as husband and wife, not father/mother/daughter/son/etc...  Kevin even prayed for my mind to slow down and for a peace to wash over me.  He prayed for a soothing spirit to comfort.  It didn't happen.  Well, perhaps it did, but not in the way we were expecting and hoping for. 

Instead, the dam broke.  I was unable to control my emotions in the least.  It was like every negative emotion I had tried to control and every thing I had determined to not allow to creep in my mind took over at once.  For those few minutes, I regretted making those promises to Dad.  I WANTED to be mad at God.  I WANTED to throw my hands up and say that having a strong faith isn't worth it.  I wanted to give myself the liberty to scream and say all the things I've refused to think or say.  The list goes on and on.  I WANTED to be furious with people that have disappointed in the last months.  I was FURIOUS at myself for not being able to push it aside.  I was hurting for everyone else so often that I was able to "survive".  Last night, I was hurting for myself.  It created a wave of emotion that I couldn't fight off no matter how much I tried.  Kevin's prayers didn't bring about the typical peace.  I had such an emotional break down that I was physically sick.  No amount of praying stopped the tears.  No amount of praying soothed my heart.  It was one of those nights that I ended up giving into a sleeping pill.  That in itself made me mad.  Failure----lack of faith.  That is what it felt like.  There is your honesty.  No picture perfect perfection here!  Not able to be on the pedestal of being "strong" and faithful.  There you have it. 

This morning, I'm not quite sure where I am.  I am not mad at God and I still am clinging to my faith.  I'm trying to realize that what I experienced last night was normal and it doesn't matter how strong your faith is, there are still times of doubt and anger.  Grief and sorrow are overpowering and are extremely strong emotions.  I'm normal.  I may be temporarily mad at myself for not being in more control at this point, but yet I realize God isn't expecting me to be.  This morning I am GREATLY struggling, but I know that I'm not defeated.  For the most part, at this point, I just need the stupid effects of the sleeping pill to wear off.  I have NEVER been drunk, am a complete abstainer from all alcohol----but I'm guessing this is as close to a hangover I will ever experience.  Brain fog.  Inability to focus.  Grouch.  Nauseated.  Yes, that's me this morning. 

The sky is overcast.  The clouds are gloomy.  I'm not certain what the weather is going to be like today, but I do see a bit of a break in one of the clouds.  I think I feel like that this morning.  I'm waiting for that little break in the cloud to open up and let the sun overtake again.  I know it will; I know it's there.  That little break in the cloud will eventually spread until the sun is beaming.  I know without a single doubt that today will eventually be a better day and that last night's experience was not a bad thing (in actuality, it was probably a GREAT thing).  I know that I just need to take a few deep breaths, get my focus back and move on.  I am human and selfish.  I am in need of God's grace. I am in need of God completely overtaking every crevice of my soul and filling it with His spirit.  I have rough edges that need to be smoothed.  I have bumps that need to be cut away.  I have areas that need to be completely removed and replaced----like an organ transplant.  I need an extreme makeover.  Perhaps this journey of grief, the attacks of Satan that we've been battling lately, and the growth we are trying to experience is just all part of His plan.  His plan to bring us closer to Him as a family, as husband and wife, as parents, and most especially as individuals.  Growth comes from difficult times.  I just don't need to fight it so hard.  I realize that a rough night doesn't mean that I'm going to spiral downward out of control.

 As today goes on, I'm confident that I will find my solid footing again.  Peace and calm will overtake again.  I'll turn on some good music, I'll pour myself back into the excellent books and devotionals I am reading, I'll open up my Bible, I'll pour myself back into the kids and taking care of our home, I'll focus on my sweet husband, I'll sing along with a Seeds CD and I will find myself back in my comfort zone.  I have projects to work on today and a meeting tonight.  Life will move back into hyper speed.  Today will end up being a great day.  One foot in front of the other!  Without a doubt, I'll bounce back!  I believe those prayers Kevin prayed are beginning to work.....God just waited a bit longer in answering!

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