Sometimes, even though you can't stand it, you just don't have the answers. I'm information driven and have an insatiable desire for learning. If I don't know the answer, I instantly start researching. You'll be hard pressed to ever see me without a book close by. It's my nature.
Not having answers is a VERY uncomfortable place to be. I feel off balance and as if something is missing if in my search for knowledge I don't come up with the answer I need.
With that said, you would think these last months would have been torture because I have DEFINITELY had more than a fair share of questions that haven't been answered. I could spend hours writing a list of questions and it wouldn't cover them all. Though many questions do involve the loss of my father, there have been many other situations that have left my asking why?, what now?, are you serious?, what is your purpose?, what are you trying to show me?.......Though I'm very open in blogging, there are some things that you just can't publicly proclaim either because you are respecting the wishes of others or things that just aren't meant for the world to know about. I'll just say this: you just never know what weight another person may be carrying or what difficult situations they are facing. Our plates are very full with heartache going on around us.
Though they swirl around in my brain and my heart is heavy, I'm not defeated. Though I don't have the answers and no amount of research is going to give me the answers I seek, I have great comfort. I have THE one that holds the answer to every asked and unasked question living in ME. Peace comes from that relationship. Hope comes from having an intimate relationship with the creator of the universe. Though that relationship does NOT erase pain and it does NOT create perfect circumstances, it DOES provide the greatest source of comfort and support one can ever imagine.
However, I'm frustrated. There are numerous situations going on around me that have left some heavy hearts and GREAT wounds among those that I care for. Because they either have made the decision to walk away from their faith, have become calloused to God and His love, have allowed pain to create a wedge between themselves and God, or even have never experienced the love of Christ by asking Him to be Lord of their lives.....they CAN NOT find the comfort I am experiencing.
Simply put: IT. IS. RIPPING. ME. APART.
I could not have made it through these last months without Christ. Even with Him, it is difficult and some days it seems impossible. Just when I think I can't carry on another second, He reaches out and sends JUST what I'm needing. It never fails. Just the right encouragement comes in many different forms and many times in the most unexpected ways. He provides. I survive.
How do those that I love that don't have that "connection" make it through their difficult situations? How do I reach out and help them when I know that without a doubt they can NOT do it without Christ, yet their hearts aren't ready. How do you know what to say and when to say what, when the door does open slightly? If you push too far, the door snaps closed and you don't know when the door will open again. If you don't say enough, you've lost an opportunity that may never come again. Yes, I know the answer to that is pray and let the Holy Spirit guide. I KNOW that answer, but let's face it.....how many of us REALLY know what that means?! Just being honest. Surely I'm not the only one that is guilty of thinking I was doing something lead by the Holy Spirit, but instead I was being led by my own emotions. My heart was absolutely in the right place and my motives were pure, but it was my own timing.
I'm not going to lie. I'm struggling on many different levels with many different things. Most of the time, I've found ways to work through whatever is happening at the moment by turning to God. It may have meant pouring myself into an uplifting Christian fiction book and allowing my mind to rest or escape. It may have meant just releasing everything I was thinking (both good and bad) by praying. It may have meant engrossing myself into a good non-fiction book or devotional that helped me dig deeper into God's word. A mentor or friend may have said some comforting words (or even some tough words through tough love!). Lyrics of amazing Christian music has soothed more times than I count. What do you do when you don't have that? THAT is the question that is weighing so heavy on me right now. Not being able to help those I love and care for because they have either never experienced that peace or they are blocking it by not allowing God to reach them is RIPPING me to shreds. I'm just broken right now watching them searching in the wrong places or pouring themselves into the wrong vessels because they don't know where to turn. Many of us are carrying the same hurt so I KNOW first hand what they are feeling so I know how devastatingly out of control they feel right now. Yet, I feel so helpless because the answer I have to offer is an answer they aren't ready to hear or even worse, is one they are completely rejecting.
Not having answers is.....excruciating.