I'm tired. Physically? Oh yes. More draining is when you are emotionally and spiritually tired. It weighs you down and then that adds to the actual physical exhaustion. Getting "down" also signals my body to start shutting down and going into flare-up mode constantly. YOU have to be strong physically and emotionally to fight the lupus battle. Add to that the inability to sleep because your mind won't shut off, your body hurts, your kids won't sleep, the dog is barking, and your husband is snoring......all while you would give ANYTHING to sleep.
I'm tired. I'm tired of being the peacemaker. I'm tired of trying to hold everyone together. I'm tired of trying to build bridges. I'm tired of being a puppet on a string. I'm tired of being passionate about what is RIGHT and hitting brick wall after brick wall. I'm tired of reaching out for support and coming back empty handed more times than not. I'm tired of being the encourager. I'm tired of not seeing the "fruits" of the labor. I'm tired of running around in circles and getting nowhere. I'm tired of cleaning up messes, both literally and figuratively. I'm tired of striving to to better. I'm tired of failure. I'm tired of struggling for the VERY basic needs that should be "given". I'm tired of being the rock that people lean on and then when I need something or pour my heart out over an issue....I don't get a response. I'm tired of being the strong one. I AM TIRED!
My heart is screaming it, my body is screaming, and my soul is screaming it. So, what do I do? Satan is sure taking that door and pushing it wide open and jumping right in with his lies. You are a failure. Attempting to live a "godly" life is pointless. You aren't worthy of the love you are seeking. You'll never be who you want to be. You are being punished for past mistakes. You don't exist in anyone's world or they don't care. It's taking everything I have to keep pushing him back out that door. AND I'm tired. I'm tired of having to act like a 2 year old and go around with my hands over my ears saying "I'm not listening, I'm not listening.....I can't hear you!"
I'm tired of being all those things above....BUT that is who I am! I AM the strong one, the encourager, the one that feels empathy, and the one that is going to seek ways to connect and build bridges. That is who God called me to be and that is the personality HE gave me. That is how HE shaped me!
All I have to do now is to figure out how to just hold on. That's all I keep hearing from Him right now is "hold on". Holding on to HIS truth no matter how loud the other voices are. Holding on to His strength when I'm at my weakest. Holding on to HIS compassion when my heart wants to become so jaded and I want to turn my back on everything that matters. Holding on to HIS forgiveness when I feel shame for feeling the way I do. Holding on to HIS promises that He is never going to leave or forsake me. Holding on until HE shows me what HIS plan is and what direction I need to go. Holding on until HE sends JUST the RIGHT encouragement to let me know without a doubt that HE IS IN CONTROL. Holding on no matter how much faith it takes, mo matter how far out of my comfort zone, or how painful it may be...holding on to Him.
Most importantly, holding on to the truth of God's word.
"Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28
I'm coming to Him completely weary and carrying too heavy of a load, waiting for Him to lift the weight and give me REAL rest. REAL physical rest. REAL emotional rest. REAL spiritual rest.