My heart is currently in a, well,....let's just call it "soft" mode.
Ok, better yet, call it like it is....
I'm a basket case.
Yep, I said it.
This last weekend was jam-packed full of amazing things and God showed up countless times in mighty ways. Even in the moments that I had dreaded.
Family time was TOP notch. Couple time was BEYOND amazing and so important. God did some refueling and renewing.
New life was welcomed. My true sister-at-heart and her family was commissioned for their journey to South Africa and the "see you laters" were tough, but BEAUTIFUL. Intimate worship with Kari Jobe side by side with my husband. An impactful chance to make a small difference as a family as we joined again this year in participating with a mobile food pack for Feed My Starving Children. Chances to laugh around the table while enjoying those few chances to eat out as a family (this might have included a bit of dancing around the table and being silly). And so much more...
Today was a rare day that just the boys and I were home and I had no "littles" to care for. (Though I DO love having littles...it was nice to just relax a bit. I did find myself stopping MULTIPLE times to go check on a little and realize that no one was here! Habits are hard to break.) We started the school day at normal time (bright and early), but we embraced the ability to just "relax" along the way. Meaning that school took place in bed and Mom didn't get dressed until the books were almost wrapped up for the day.
I am trying to spend these few days of life at a slower pace (which my husband is laughing at me calling life "slow" while still homeschooling and keeping the house running) catching up on some tasks that tend to get put off or halfway done while trying to balance life.
Today I started thoroughly cleaning our master bedroom. You know, getting ALL the corners, baseboards,ceiling fan and dusting EVERY little speck and item instead of hitting the most visible surfaces.
After the incredible worship of last night, I found my heart easily went to that mode very quickly as I turned on a worship CD and started cleaning.
As I came to a couple of items in the room, my heart began to be really worked on by the Holy Spirit.
As I dusted a special picture frame that holds a picture of my dear friend about to leave for SA---I had a mini meltdown. OK---so maybe it wasn't so mini. My heart is so FULL with the adventures ahead and how beyond amazing God has been in preparing for their journey. Yet, oh how my heart hurts at the physical distance (just a few miles...as in 9,000). The Holy Spirit washed over me reminding me that it's ok to be temporarily sad over the "see you later", but the true focus is on the journey ahead. He is ALREADY there. HE is the God of angel armies that has gone before and the way is already prepared. He also reminded me that He has already been preparing US for this day. He also reminded me that someday we will be on the other side of the world with them. We know it to be true. We know that calling is waiting for us. We just don't know if it's for a visit or for longer term. THAT is something we must wait for Him to reveal. Beyond that, I'm confident that miles aren't going to matter in the depth of our friendship. No doubt.
Then after I pulled myself together and got back on task, I came to two items that reminded me of something we talked about at church yesterday and that we've been reading about in "Not a Fan"....
These items...my current prayer focus (though we have a much longer, more detailed list hanging in the foyer) and the gifts that Kevin and I gave each other on our wedding night.
A little, almost silly sounding word.
I've often said "yada, yada, yada" when referring to someone talking too much or to not say the rest of a story or something.
Though I honestly never knew it the context that the Bible uses it or the true meaning of the word.
Yada- to know completely. To know and be known.
Our prayer focus right now, is yada.
The gifts we gave each other on our wedding night showed that we had begun to "yada" each other in a non-physcial way. I may have only been 20 when we married. We may have only known each other a short time. We married one year to the date of our first date. Yet, Kevin already knew my heart and me in a deep way and I him. Our gifts showed that. He knew the impact handwritten letters meant to me (either sending or receiving) and he gave me a cherry letter box that pretty much remains the only wedding gift not worn-out, destroyed, out of date, or broken! He knew me. Our Bible showed how much we valued the role of God in our lives (it still looks fairly new---only because it's not the ones we use on a daily basis....neither one of us wanted to give up our own personal Bibles with countless notes and markings). Granted, we now know each other much more than we ever dreamed and in ways we didn't know possible. We tend to know more about each other than we know about ourselves.
Yada can mean physical intimacy when in some contexts, yet in the others it means the deep intimacy with another person, what goes well beyond the physical aspects (though a true physical relationship encompasses physical, emotional, and spiritual). It means to know someone completely and to be known completely.
That is our desire. That is the plea of my heart.
Yet, I stopped short today when I came across the items as my hands rubbed across them to shine them, dust them, and rearrange them.
My heart was asked some questions?
Do you know me? Do I know you? Are you seeking me? Do you love me above all else?
I thought of Kevin. I can answer YES instantly to all of those questions and know that he would answer the same to my asking. We are blessed by a deep, ever-growing relationship that knows "yes" is the answer to these questions.
I love him more than life itself. I value him above all things.
Do I love God more?
Do I know God more?
Do I give more to God than anyone or anything else in my life?
Do I seek him more than anything else?
Is HE my first love? Is HE above ALL else?
Are we living in a true yada relationship?
I must say....being honest... I couldn't give the answer to all of those questions the way I wanted to.
He's so very important to me. I do seek Him and want to be known by Him.
Yet, I know that many things come in the way. I still find myself reluctant to give him all of me---that last little percentage that I don't want to let go of.
But that's not yada.
That's a yada want to be. That's a growing relationship. Not a yada one.
Oh how I seek and want the answers to be yes.