Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Not Enough With Him
It SPOKE volumes to my heart.
THIS is where I am.
THIS is exactly the message I needed to get in my heart.
I'm running on fumes. Insomnia has hit, both from physical causes and from emotional situations that have been pouring in. God has been at work in my heart so deeply that I've been unable to sleep at times. My heart is going in a million directions with countless things going on.
I've NOT been spending the time with Him that I need for my heart to be filled.
I've switched to survival mode, instead of thriving.
I've been praying (more often than ever it seems) which is GREAT.
I've not been in His word deep enough.
I've been spending time WITH Him, but not enough time learning about Him.
There is a big difference.
And it shows...
I've been unsettled. Overwhelmed. Easily irritated. Off-balance.
Yes, I could make the excuses sound like true justifiable reasons.
Physically I am battling mild flare-ups. No sleep. Running in too many directions with too many expectations.
School is in full swing and with three kids that is not a small task. Littles are in and out of our home. Parenting is not just a few hours a day job. Running our home is constant. Preparing for some big activities in the coming days and weeks.
Yes, that's true.
My sister of heart just moved to South Africa, nearly 9,000 miles and landed just a couple of hours ago. (Though they won't arrive at their final destination, on site, until tomorrow around lunch). I can't tell you how big my smile has been in the last couple of hours to have had REAL conversations with her and the feeling of how short those miles can be made to feel. The emotional roller coaster of this journey has been overwhelming, but nothing short of amazing (except the "see you later" part!....I'm still crying at the drop of a hat!). It has been one of the single most amazing things for me to see God at work first hand. Granted, this type of situation DOES leave me emotionally spent because my heart is so invested. My husband getting up with me at 2:30 this morning to purposely pray for the last leg of their flight was just.... priceless.
I'm NOT spending the time I need WITH Him, JUST to be with Him.
And it shows....
Just like when Kevin and I get too wrapped up in the demands of life to spend quality time with each other, I fall apart. Our relationship suffers. I don't feel as confident or capable of handling curveballs. I don't feel like I know him as much or that he knows me as deeply. We suffer.
This quote reminds me of the fact that I'm feeling the effects of just not STOPPING and soaking in Him. I try countless times, but I get pulled away. (Hello, real world!!!!). I can't let that continue to happen. I have to TRULY let Him be the TOP priority or I will continue to feel off balance.
This afternoon I did what I seldom ever do. I tossed away the "to-do" list of expectations and ended school early even though we weren't completely finished with what we needed to do and....
It was necessary for the preservation of my sanity and the sanity of those that live with me. :)
Though my physical needs have been greatly improved from that sleep, I'm now even more aware of the need to get back in CLOSE touch with Him. Get in His word JUST for the desire of knowing Him.
I need less time with the world (even the good things!) and more of Him. He ALWAYS has to be my first and foremost need....
Or it all falls apart.
I keep learning this lesson time and time again. I can plan my day to the minute and meet EVERY single expectation on it, but if HE isn't that top priority....I've lost what is most important and my life becomes fruitless.