God didn't waste time!

Two posts: one day? Oh my.....crazy!

One thing I promised myself when I started blogging was to be honest. The main reason I finally jumped in the blogging world was to have a place I could be honest and not hold back and sugar coat my convictions or worry about offending someone. Sometimes that honesty reveals things that I maybe wouldn't "share" on a normal basis. If I'm going to blog about living a Christian life to inspire others, I also have to be ready to admit my own failures and acknowledge when things I'm learning/reading/studying step on my own toes. Today is one of those days.

Yesterday I talked about the closet challenge and how it was to be used as a visual reminder to pray for God to reveal sin in our lives. Well, it sure didn't take long for God to start pointing them out. It sure didn't take long for Him to start convicting me over some of those deep, hidden things that are displeasing to Him.

One of those areas He is showing me I'm failing Him is my attitude about certain people in our daily lives. I generally try to give people the benefit of the doubt and look past their flaws. I usually focus on their positive qualities and the fact that I have my own VERY visible flaws as well. However, there are some people that REALLY make it hard to remember! I've found myself FOCUSING on those visible flaws, hurtful actions, or things that just rub me the wrong way. Instead of TRULY loving them like Christ tells us to do, I've lost that focus. I absolutely believe those people have value and I love them because Christ commands us to love one another, even those that hurt us or those that make it very difficult. However, I've become guilty of making comments in our home about those people. Comments that would be best unsaid. Even if those around me are in 100% agreement, it is wrong to be speaking negatively about them. I should be following the rule of "IF you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all!" It doesn't matter how justified I feel to express those feelings. It's wrong. In other words, I need to let God keep his hand over my mouth AT ALL times!

I had already been thinking about this wrong attitude and how displeasing it is to God, but I've been sweeping it under the carpet and ignoring the conviction. However, after praying for God to reveal those hidden sins....this immediately came to mind. Not only did it come to mind, He provided opportunities to show me just how wrong it is. There were three different times today that He confirmed to me that this is one of this areas he wants me working on. Kevin and both of the older kids made comments today that MIRRORED something I had said more than once about people in our lives. The comments weren't "bad" so to speak, but they definitely carried the attitude that I had instilled in them. They probably wouldn't have noticed these "flaws" or cared much about them had I not been the one to point them out. We don't want to teach our children bad habits or be a stumbling block, but I realized as soon as the words came from their mouths that I am greatly responsible for them carrying those negative attitudes.

I can't change the fact that people do things to annoy us, hurt us, or drive us crazy. I can control how I react to them. I can begin to change how I respond so that my children learn to respond more appropriately as well. When "that" person, makes a promise that we know they will not follow through with....instead of saying "how typical" or "imagine that" and laughing with my kids about it, I should instead be saying something along the lines of "It was thoughtful of them to at least consider it or think of us". I don't have to bring up the fact that they've disappointed us OVER and OVER. When "that" person, cuts one of us down or does something to draw attention to themselves at the expense of us, instead of pointing out how many times it happens or talking about THEIR flaws....I should be saying to the kids, maybe we should pray for her to have better self confidence or a change of heart so that doesn't happen. Instead of pointing out someone's failure, even in the confines of our home or in personal conversation, I should just keep my mouth shut or at least find a way to focus on the positive. Otherwise, I'm teaching my kids that it's OK to talk about someones flaws. Even when Kevin and I talk about things between the two of us, it would be much more beneficial to us to be focusing on their positives or praying for our hearts to handle the hurtfulness instead of focusing on the negatives. Otherwise, we continue to allow the negative to sink in and give it the focus it doesn't need.

God commands us to love the unlovable. God tells us to forgive ALWAYS. God teaches us to guard our thoughts and our hearts. I think He is teaching me that it applies in EVERY situation and with ALL people. He doesn't give us a list of exceptions. He doesn't say love everyone except those that hurt you. He doesn't say love them, but yet come home and talk about them! LOVE them. Completely.....as Christ loves us. God loves us with EACH and EVERY one of our flaws and I should offer that same love to others.....no matter how hard it is at times.

Monday: In Need of a Restart

Some days you can just keep going and moving forward no matter what obstacles are in your way. You can find the joy in the little things, see the little blessings that are hidden in the chaos, and keep fighting against the grain. No matter how many people come against you or no matter how many things are coming your way, you can keep your eyes focused on what matters.

Then there are the other days. The days that you can't shake the unsettled feeling or you don't feel like putting forth the energy to stay on track. There are the days that you would rather just crawl back in bed, pile every pillow you own on top of your head to block out all the sounds around you. Today is one of those days.

Today isn't necessarily any worse than any other day. Nothing tragic has happened and nothing extreme has gone wrong. My list of concerns is no more pressing than yesterday. It's just all in the perspective and in the attitude.

Our attitudes REALLY do change everything. Some days it's EASY to choose joy and gratitude. Other days it is a struggle to find it. It doesn't mean the blessings are gone or that God has taken his peace away from me. I just have taken my eyes off the light shining from the lighthouse and have temporarily lost direction.

I woke up feeling tired of "battle" this morning. Instead of immediately going to God for His direction and praising Him, I allowed Satan to creep in and create a tiny seed of doubt to grow and grow. It doesn't take long!!!!

So right now I'm having to make the deliberate choice to stop my "stinkin' thinkin' " and focus on the truth of God. I'm going to have to shut off the negative voices that are completely trying to invade. I'm going to have to let him restore the peace in my heart and provide restoration. The situations we're facing or have dealt with that are wearing me down are not going to magically disappear, but God can put my heart RIGHT back where it should be and help me to refocus. I'm going to trust Him to hush the voices of doubt, bitterness, anger, and uncertainty. I'm going to trust Him to handle each and every battle with me. It's a choice. I can either continue to let my day go downhill and snowball out of control or I can turn it back and let Him restart it with a heart makeover. I'm choosing Him.

"Purge" Challenge----Closets & Life

Today at church we began a new sermon series entitled "Waste Management". Today's message was about how we as a society and ESPECIALLY in the church, go around with living in a fake world of "fine". How are you? I'm fine. (Even though you may be totally broken and battling incredible obstacles). How are you? I'm fine. (Even though our lives are full of sin). We talked about Revelation 21 and how God can make all things new. We also touched on Romans 3:23 telling us that ALL have sinned.

We spent the majority of the sermon listening about the life of David and his sins that followed his relationship with Bathsheba. When Nathan pointed out the sin in David's life, he didn't make excuses and he didn't make justifications. He immediately agreed that he had sinned against God. That is something that we need to learn to do as well.

The quicker that we can come to the point of admitting our sin, the quicker that God can redeem us and put us back on the right track. We have to realize that we ALL have sin. We all have "junk" in our lives. We have closets full of mistakes and garages full of failures. To say we have no sin is to say that Christ's death on the cross was pointless.

We were issued a challenge to cause us to think about our "junk" and the sin that we carry. Think about your closet. Think about how it contains things that have been disregarded, don't fit or out of style. It has things hidden way in the back or way up high, seemingly out of reach. However, closing the door doesn't make it go away. It's still there. Sin in our lives is the same way. No matter how deep we want to bury it or pretend it isn't there, closing a door isn't going to fix it.

Our challenge was to spend some time early this week cleaning out a closet. Go through and purge all those things that don't belong. Bag it up. Get it ready to throw out or bag it up to donate. However, don't take it out of the house. Sit those bags right in front of the door or some where visible. Step over it a few days. Look at it. Let it be a visible reminder every time we see it. Each time we see it, pray for God to reveal to us sin in our lives, especially the hidden sin we keep the "world" from seeing. Let it symbolize the need of a heart makeover.

Just a couple of weeks ago, I emptied our closet of the "junk". I haven't delivered the donations to Salt & Light yet. I've been annoyed EVERY single time I've walked through the door to the garage because I've had to step over the bags to get in the van. I had planned to take those bags this week, but now I think I will leave them just a few more days. Instead of being annoyed or irritated, those bags will be my visual reminder to pray for God to remove sin from my life and to reveal those deepest sins that I try the hardest to hide from the world. Stuffing it down deep and burying it, doesn't make the sin go away. God is the ONE AND ONLY way for the sin to be removed. I'm positive I won't be looking at those bags this week with the same eyes!

I challenge you to do something similar. Clean out a closet. Clean out one of those pesky junk drawers. Attack any area in your garage, attic, basement or car. Look at the "junk" for a few days before you officially get rid of it. Let it remind you of the need we ALL have to remove sin from our lives.

I'm looking forward to see what next week's challenge will be!

Letting Go

Tonight a very vivid realization hit me. I don't have a little girl anymore. OK---I've known that for a long time, but it's different to admit it. Know something amazing? I like it! Shh...but don't tell her. I don't want to have to admit it to her, not yet. Let me hold off on that a little longer!

So, I don't necessarily enjoy the bad attitude that comes at times or any of those typical knocking heads moments, but I'm for the most part enjoying this season of life with her. I love the beautiful person she is and the HUGE heart she has. Granted, she has her moments that make me want to pull my hair out....but then again, don't we all?

You see, God entrusted me with a beautiful angel and told me I had to do the very best I could with her. I had to take the things that I missed in my own life and the things that I did have and cherished and somehow wrap them up and present them to her. Many times I didn't get it right and many, many more times in the future I will mess up again. There will be many times of heartbreak to come and times that I will wonder why God gave me an alien instead of an angel.

What I'm seeing right now is this amazingly headstrong, responsible young lady with a strong faith. Somewhere along the way God instilled in her a maturity WELL beyond her years and a heart that beats for Him. She's going to make mistakes along the way, but I have no doubt she will always find her way back.

Today we crossed a bridge. I didn't think about it at the time, but being the mom I am...I sure realized it after the fact. Today, I sent her out the door with someone I barely know to babysit her 3 children in a town 20 minutes away. I didn't question one second if she was capable. I didn't think twice about her being responsible enough. Up until today, she had only done childcare at church or in our home. Today, I sent her out the door with a list of "unknowns". I didn't have EACH and EVERY scenario covered. I didn't "mother hen" her. The proverbial apron strings were cut and I'm OK. Early this summer she went on a mission trip to Cincinnati with no contact for the week and then at the end of summer she went to camp with very little contact (and knowing that she was learning more dangerous gymnastics skills!). Never once did I question whether or not she was capable of handling the time away.

You see, I hear so often about how I've sheltered her too much or not let her make her own decisions. I hear how she just doesn't know about the real world or could never survive on her own. I have been accused of home schooling just because I can't "let go". WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! Today proves the exact opposite. Because she is NOT sheltered and has learned responsibility, ethics, and has a TRUE love of others, she was able to walk out our door confident that she could handle it. Because of the amount of time I've spent with her, I had the confidence to let her go. That's the beauty of TRULY knowing your child.

She didn't babysit for a family that we spend time with on a regular basis that knows her personally. She was asked purely on recommendation based on her reputation. Other moms that have seen her interaction at church and in other settings HAVE noticed. We've told her over and over that her day would come when people would begin to appreciate her for who she is and I'm proud of her for finally beginning to see those moments. I told her to take that feeling and hold on to it for all she is worth! It confirms to me that the people that give us the hardest time about our "lifestyle", truly don't know us and are judging us based on preconceived notions. That even goes for family members. If you spend ANY REAL time with Adriana, you will see that she is NOT a sheltered child that doesn't know how to think for herself. Truth is, she probably has a stronger, more deeply founded faith and makes people uncomfortable with their own selves. I know she can at times even do that to me!!!!

So tonight, I get a glimpse of what really letting go feels like. It does hurt a little to know that my little princess is gone (LONG gone are the days of smocked dresses and matching hair bows!), but at the same time it opens up a whole entire new world of possibilities. You see, before long I will be looking at a friend instead of just a daughter. For now, I have to keep on the parenting hat for a little longer (since I firmly believe that the biggest mistakes parents are making today is getting caught up in being their friend instead of the PARENT!)...but I know the day of friendship is just around the corner! Of course, I'll always be her mom, but I'm looking forward to the rest! **Now when Kevin reads this, he will agree with me on most points...except He would add that her growing up DOES NOT include EVER dating!**

Unkempt & Full of Impurities

I read a blog last night written by an acquaintance that Kevin and I had in TN. He and my brother played football together and he and Kevin did lawn care as side jobs one summer. I'll never forget the afternoon Kevin came home screaming because he and "Bubba" had somehow managed to get caught in a weed that set their skin on fire! We attended church together for a few years, but when our church unfortunately divided so many of us went separate ways. It wasn't until recently that we found out that he had been called to preach and is now a pastor of a church. AMAZING what God does when you aren't looking!!!! I've VERY much enjoyed reading his blog these past several months because I can FEEL his enthusiasm and depth of commitment for his calling.

Last night he wrote about 1 Thessalonians 4:7 and it really resonated deep within me. In my NLT version it says "God has called us to live holy lives, not impure lives." The Message words it differently, "God hasn't invited us into a disorderly, unkempt life but into something HOLY and BEAUTIFUL---as beautiful on the inside as the outside."

The first word that jumps out in the Message version is the word unkempt. I can't hear that word without thinking of one of my mentors. On the very first day of Interviewing and Recording Skills with Kim Haynes (social work Jr. Level course teaching you how to interview a client professionally and effectively...UNBELIEVABLE class!), she told us we better NEVER use the word "unkept" as so many students did (especially misused in the south!). That word was not correct and we better NEVER use it to describe our clients. If we wanted to put down a description of a disheveled, unpolished person we BEST use the correct word of UNKEMPT or she would fail us on principal. I loved reading that word last night because it reminded me of that sweet, dear woman that made me REALLY get secure in my faith. You can NOT get through that class without learning WHO you really were, what past situations shaped you, and what motivated your desire to be a social worker. It was INTENSE! Even more special was the role she took on with me OUTSIDE of class. She helped me through an incredibly painful situation and had she not provided me with the tools of healing that I needed, I would have NEVER been open or ready for a relationship with Kevin. I'll never forget the look on her face when I came in with an engagement ring. Her smile forever stays etched in my memory and her words later were confirmation that she knew I had moved beyond "the past". Our friendship really took a different turn a few years down the road when I was diagnosed with lupus and she became my mentor on a totally different level. She was the PRO with all the information when there was very little...for she too suffered from the disease. Unfortunately, she died several years ago from complications brought on by the disease and the severity of which she suffered from it. She left a HUGE place in my heart! God surely placed her in my life at JUST the right time MORE than once!

Anyway, besides reminding me of her, the verse seemed to go deep into my spirit. Between the words Pastor Larry (no longer "Bubba") wrote describing his thoughts on the verse and the Holy Spirit talking to me, it has stuck with me all last night and today. As he pointed out, unkempt can mean not combed, neglected, not cared for, disheveled, messy, unpolished, rude or crude. The verse points out that God doesn't wanted us living that life. He wants us living a holy AND beautiful life. It made me think of all the areas in my own life that aren't measuring up. It made me think of the areas in my life that fall under the disheveled, neglected, "messy" categories. It made me think of the places that are impure in my own heart and actions.

I think it's easy to get caught up in the attitude of "good enough". Our society and many in our own churches have watered down sin to the point that sin just really doesn't matter anymore. The message seems to be that once you ask God to be your savior, the rest doesn't matter as much. Why worry with sin because you're forgiven. God is a loving God, so what does it matter what you do or how you act? That is the message that we are hearing from society around is. Why should I worry about living a pure life, one that is holy and beautiful? I have a simple answer. It's because it DOES matter.

If you want to see me with steam literally coming out of my ears, Kevin just has to make the following statement... "well at least, I don't________ like all the other men I know" or something similar. If we are in the middle of a squabble, those words BEST not come out of his mouth unless he REALLY wants to get me fighting mad! Today I thought about how easy it is for us to say something similar to God, either in actual words or with our actions. "Well, God at least I don't_______. " In essence, our excuse becomes we're better than so and so because we don't do what they do. "Hey God, I don't smoke, drink, curse. I'm faithful to my husband. I don't....etc, etc, etc......and I do etc, etc, etc," and can run down the list. It's pretty easy to get caught up in that. After all, sin doesn't seem to carry the same stigma that it once did. It may be easy to think that, but it's DANGEROUS thinking. Sin IS still SIN. No matter how big or small, sin is sin. I'm guilty. ANYTHING that causes me to have any separation from God is sin.

I'm tarnished and I'm in need of refining. My spiritual appearance is unkempt, disheveled (and so is my physical appearance most days!). I need God's vision of who He wants me to be. I need Him to come in and polish me, straighten me up and give me a makeover. I need him to search every crevice of my being and remove the impurities. I need to be living the life He chose for me. I need to not be neglectful to those areas that keep me from being fully in His presence. I can never be perfect, but I CAN allow myself to be molded more in His image every day.

God does love us and He gives us grace and forgiveness every minute of our lives. However, with sin in our lives we are preventing ourselves from seeing the manifestation of HIS full blessings and power in our lives. Sin, no matter how small, DOES matter because it blocks us from the promises of God. We can't be "dabbling in sin" and receiving His blessings at the same time. Thankfully God can pick us up right where we are and put us RIGHT back in His will and on the right path when we repent and ask for His help. My biggest failures come from not asking for His help and stepping out on my own. Hopefully, He will continue to reveal with HIS VISION and HIS POWER what life He wants for me. I can't imagine what kind of life I have in front of me, if I will fully surrender every aspect of my life to Him and let him continuously remove all of the impurities so I can see the benefits of holy and beautiful living....from both the inside and the outside. What a journey it is going to be!

For a challenge, take the next verse and think about it. Verse 8 says: "Therefore, anyone who refuses to live by these rules is not disobeying human teaching but is rejecting God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you." That's some pretty powerful words right there!!!!!

Details & Learning to Let Go

I am a detail oriented individual. I'm a planner, deep thinker, and easily get wrapped up in the details. Many times that personality trait serves me VERY well and other times it bogs me down. Blessing or a curse? It just depends on the situation. I think that for the most part it serves me well. How else can you balance living on one income in a two income world? You can't be frugal and thrifty without paying attention to details. You also can't be a home school mom without being detail oriented. Being detail oriented is also a good trait when it comes to gratitude and paying attention to the "little" things. That personality trait makes me very appreciative of when someone does the smallest thing for me. It doesn't go unnoticed.

However, that personality trait REALLY isn't good when paying attention to the details gets in the way of turning things over to God and LETTING Him keep it in HIS hands. It gets in the way when you become obsessed with the details to the point that worry takes over. It's not a good trait when you can't make decisions because you are so wrapped up in the details. It also gets in the way when you think about the details so much that you MISS THE MOMENT! Those are the places I tend to find myself in way too often.

God's message to me lately is that He DOES have the details covered. HE is in the small things JUST as much as HE is in the BIG things! He's trying to teach me to find a happy medium between paying attention to the details and being STUCK in the details.

Just this week, I found myself caught up in the worry of the details. Details that didn't matter and I spent unnecessary time worrying. I should have just trusted Him from the beginning instead of playing the tug of war that I'm so good at. You know the hand it over to God, take it back, hand it over, take it back. Yes, that's me. I'm really good at that, unfortunately! I have obsessively worried about the details of getting school started tomorrow. Details DO matter in trying to balance three different grade levels, but at the same time I have to relax and ENJOY the ride or no one else is going to enjoy it either. The more I got bogged down in the details, the more I heard Him telling me to just relax. He will provide ALL the details if I trust Him enough.

I worried about attending Kevin's family reunion because of some issues we've been facing with Peyton. I was worried I wouldn't be able to physically handle it after the last two weeks of struggling with my body not cooperating/physical concerns. Useless worry! I didn't feel great, but I had a wonderful time. Peyton did FANTASTIC! God had already worked out the details ahead of time! The weather was perfect so we were able to spend the majority of the day outside and Peyton didn't ever feel apprehensive and didn't show the slightest hint of the panic attacks he's been dealing with CONSTANTLY. The one time that really may have caused concern was when the dining room would have been VERY crowded while everyone fixed their plates. We had several things go "wrong" getting out the door and we ended up arriving about 15 minutes late. We missed the "rush"....coincidence? I don't think so!

Tomorrow is our first official day of school. Financially I wasn't able to purchase the computer curriculum that I will use for all of Adriana's subjects and for partial of Peyton's. God has provided room in the budget for it by the end of the month leaving me with just a few weeks of planning it "all". I was only having trouble settling on a plan for Language Arts for Adriana over these first few weeks. I was getting bogged down in the details of the best approach. God had that covered. I had just enough money to buy that one subject and it arrived TODAY, JUST in time! I don't find it coincidental that I couldn't find "peace" with any of the other approaches I was trying to take. God is in ALL the details if I allow him to be.

Peyton's birthday is this coming week. Whenever birthdays and holidays come up, it's always a struggle to balance financially. He's never failed us! We may not be able to keep up with the Jones' or the neighbors, but He provides MORE than enough. Bradlee's birthday had a boost of being able to have the neighbors over because I was chosen to host an Oscar Mayer House Party. It just so happens that Peyton's birthday is going to have a similar boost because we were chosen for a Capri Sun House Party and he will get to share his "loot" with our home school group and celebrate his birthday at the same time. God provides in unique ways and we are blessed when we see those small details at work!

Just this Saturday, Adriana & Kevin went to Sonic with a "plan" that was going to feed our family for just a few dollars. It was going to be anything but elaborate, but it was a "treat" and it was going to keep me from having to get out of bed to fix something. We had coupons for 2 FREE kid's meals that was going to cover the boys. We had a coupon for buy one get one free hamburgers. Between purchasing those and a grilled cheese for Adriana, we expected to eat for $5. Again, nothing great....but good enough. That's not how it ended up. When Kevin placed the orders for the kids meals and grilled cheese he forgot to order the burgers. He decided he would just go through the drive thru and get those separately. Grand total for the 1st order: less than $3. When the girl brought the food out, she handed Adriana 4 LARGE bags. Kevin told them something wasn't right, so they looked through the bags to figure out what was in it. There was WAY too much food and the grilled cheese sandwich wasn't in it. She said, I'll be right back and when she came back she had the 2 grilled cheeses AND we were able to keep the EXTRA food. They would have had to throw it away and it was better to just let us keep it. What was in the bag? WAY more food than we have EVER purchased and we all sat on the bed feeling like KINGS and talking about the greatness of how God provides in strange ways some times! We had the 2 kids meals, 2 grilled cheese sandwiches, 4 more LARGE tater tots, 2 DOUBLE cheeseburgers (one with ketchup only JUST the way one of us likes it and one FULLY loaded like someone else likes it!), a LARGE popcorn chicken and a grilled Chicken wrap! Luck? No way. God's provision.

The biggest lesson I need to learn is to trust Him ALL the time. For some reason, I find it easier to trust Him with the BIG things. Isn't that odd? I guess I get wrapped up in the feeling that maybe the details don't matter. After all, aren't the BIG issues enough to keep Him more than busy. It seems like He keeps sending more and more signs to us that He is watching and He does CARE about all aspects of our lives. I just have to learn to accept that nothing is too BIG or too SMALL for Him. I also need to learn to completely give something over to Him and LET IT GO. I have to stop this back and forth game of giving it to Him and then turning around and picking that burden back up and trying to carry it around again. What good does that do? That's like saying, "Here God, I give it to you. I trust you. No, wait maybe I don't. Or maybe I think I can handle it better than you can!" Ummm.......Tracye....that is so not smart. Don't you know where that gets you? Nowhere FAST or deeper into a pit that you can't climb out of!!!!!

Mission Statement

It has been a very difficult week and a half for me physically. My body hasn't cooperated and I've not bounced back from this flareup as quickly as I needed. Unfortunately, timing couldn't be worse with all that I needed to accomplish this week/weekend to get us ready for school. It's also going to be hard on me to travel to Kevin's family reunion tomorrow. We've looked forward to it for many months.

I spent most of the week emotionally down because my "list" was getting further behind. Stress has increased more every day. Late yesterday I began to find peace in the situation. The more stressed I am, the longer my body is going to revolt. I've decided to find purpose in this "down" time. As I mentioned yesterday, there has been lots of "heart" work going on. Perhaps that will make up for everything else I'm behind on since I will be more at peace and renewed spiritually.

This entire summer, I have been wanting to create MY mission statement. A statement that describes my roles and keeps me on "track" with what I feel God wants me to accomplish. MANY times I've read how effective a mission statement is for overwhelmed moms. I FALL in that category EVERY day. I've attempted many times to write it over the summer, but I was never able to quiet my mind enough to do it effectively. Since Kevin was so great about taking care of EVERYTHING today, I had enough peace to finally accomplish it. It felt great to finally REALLY think about all of my roles and how I want to live my life. After much brainstorming, writing and rewriting....thinking...praying...writing again.....I finally did it.

Mission Statement of Tracye Leigh Goad

Christian Walk:

Intentionally seek and listen for God's will by intimately pursuing Him through study of His word, worship, and prayer. Completely submitting and surrendering to Him so that I can be fully emptied of self and filled with Him---fully used by Him so this His love overflows into every aspect of my life. Have a heart of gratitude, a life of integrity, and a joyous spirit. Pursue Him passionately. Know Him. Glorify Him. Make Him known.

Wife:

As a wife, I want Kevin to know that he is loved unconditionally, admired, and respected. I want to support him, encourage him, and challenge him to constantly pursue faith and godliness. I want to encourage him to be the spiritual leader of our family. I want to serve him in ways that clearly communicate my love for him. I want to be a passionate and involved wife that shows him what a treasure he is. I want to live a life that shows Kevin that he is my partner in life in every aspect. Love unconditionally. Forgive freely. Communicate openly.

Mother:

As a mother and as their teacher, I will delight in Adriana, Peyton, and Bradlee, showing them grace and unconditional love. I want to create a home that nurtures them in such a way that by modeling Christ to them that they will be men and women committed to their faith and personal beliefs. I want them to walk with integrity and compassion, have kind and generous hearts, and to be great stewards of the talents He has provided each of them with. I want to inspire them to listen to and live for God throughout their entire lives. I seek to listen and be available to them, have fun and make great family memories. I want to promote comfort, confidence, and stability while trying to live simply, love deeply, and laugh abundantly. I seek to instill a love for learning in them that will help them grow intellectually and give them the confidence they need to fulfill the call God has on their lives. I will share in their curiosity and wonder as we learn and grow together. I will encourage them to be the best students they can be, always having them seek to go above and beyond what is asked. I will pray that God reveals His purpose for each of their lives and that they have the skills necessary to implement it. Our home will be a peaceful environment, a "holy place" of refuge that inspires love, learning, creativity and a thirst for relationship with the living God.

Whole Being:

I seek to live my life in such a way that others are inspired to fully pursue Jesus and desire constant growth in their personal lives. I will seek ways to determine and use my gifts from God to encourage and uplift others. I will pursue a life that allows me to be creative and will engage in activities that help me feel invigorated and renewed. I will learn to embrace this season of life as one that God has blessed me with. Seek to live simply and with purpose, finding a balance in the middle of chaos. To always be at peace in heart and mind knowing that I'm fulfilling God's purpose by being the wife and mother that I am. Most importantly, I will shine God's light to my family, friends, and neighbors so that I am always pointing them to Christ and His gospel.

GARBAGE

Yesterday, I took the time to catch up on a couple of shows that had been waiting on our DVR. We've DRASTICALLY cut down how much TV we watch, partly because it's re-run season and mostly because our standards of what is acceptable has changed. It REALLY didn't take long to get caught up this time.

The main show that I had to watch was the last two episodes of "19 Kids and Counting". Regardless of how you feel about the number of children the Duggars have and their take on birth control, it's an amazing show. There is ZERO doubt of how much they love their kids, how responsible they are, and that GOD is ABSOLUTELY number one in their lives. NO room for doubt! Adriana and I have been hooked on that show for years!

I kept thinking about the statement that Michelle made on the last episode. She said "You wouldn't put garbage in your mouth, so don't put it in your mind!". Hello? I loved it. It's the same thing we've been discussing in our home on an almost daily basis over the past six months or so. Her statement was just a great one that put it very visual for us!

Her statement was in response to media. They were discussing Internet and TV for the most part. Contrary to what people might think, they haven't banned it completely. They are just VERY picky about what they choose to watch or look at. We have to decide what is garbage and what is appropriate by "our" standards. It applies to books, movies, TV shows, and music. For our family, we've even taken it a step farther and it even applies to clothing. For us it goes beyond modesty, it also includes advertising. There are stores in the mall that I refuse to shop in. Sex may sale to the world, but not to my family!

While those type things obviously fall under the category of garbage and not being allowed, I began to think about the statement on a deeper level. Again, I was awake much of the night and back up early this morning thinking about it. GARBAGE! Our standards in books, movies, TV shows, etc... may be more rigid than many (or most!), but we've set our standards and now we have to make a daily decision to live by them. What got me thinking was the "OTHER" things.

What about the garbage that I do allow? I fill my mind with GARBAGE all day, every single day. The garbage I'm talking about is negativity and wrong thinking. You're not good enough. You're not capable. God isn't listening. God really doesn't care. You've messed up so bad now that you shouldn't bother trying to do something right next time. What you're doing doesn't matter. There is no way you can make a difference. He doesn't care. He doesn't love you. They don't care if you exist. This time will be no different than before, so go ahead and set yourself up for failure.

How many more of those statements can I add? Plenty. I fill my mind with it all day. GARBAGE! Would I dare tell my children a statement like that? NO WAY! Then why is it acceptable to let those statements go through my mind? It's not! It's time to stop living a double standard in my own mind.

I'm not exactly sure how to stop that garbage thought process and it isn't something that will happen overnight, but it is absolutely something that has to be done. I think it does start with continuing to follow our standards in choices of what we watch or listen to. It also involves continuing to read God's word and praying. Not just in passing, but PURPOSELY and openly. It's about letting my prayers go deeper and letting more walls come down. It's also about recognizing the "garbage talk" and immediately stopping RIGHT then and saying...THAT'S not true and replacing it with the truth. It's even about choosing to be around people that lift you up, and limiting our time around those that bring us down. WE ALL have those people in our lives and even though we should love them, pray for them, and do our best to ALWAYS let God's love shine through us....we don't have to bow down and let them step all over us. I've also learned that when I'm feeling at my worst and down on myself the most, the best thing for me to do is to encourage someone else. Somehow that act trickles back and restores my own mind to TRUTHFUL thinking.

So today, if you've also got a bad case of garbage thinking....why don't you find a way to clean up your thoughts too. LET GOD'S TRUTH soak in and clean it up. You don't pick up garbage and eat it, so let's not fill our minds with it either. Let's watch what we expose ourselves to as far as what we watch and listen to, but most importantly let's pay attention to the thoughts that enter our minds. Those thoughts left "unchecked" end up getting more deep rooted and harder to clean away if we aren't careful.

Off to do some cleaning. Literally and figuratively!!!

Is Drinking a Sin? Should Christians Drink? Part II

This video goes with the post below. You can also watch Part I and Part III on youtube.

The following post comes with a disclaimer: My blog expresses my opinion. You don't have to agree with it. It's the place I write what I'm thinking and what is going on in my life. Don't like it, don't read it. Don't agree, that's fine. I'll just agree to disagree. I don't love any of you less. This is just ME expressing WHO I am and what I believe. Nothing else. I am in NO place to judge anyone else. Please understand that I don't seek to create division, I just seek to write what I believe and feel that God lays on my heart. This is one of those things that God laid on my heart to do a long time ago, but I chose not to listen and I've been unsettled since.



Sometimes I REALLY miss the kind of preaching that makes you want to stand up and shout AMEN, PREACH it brother! This video series is one that got me stirred up, fired up, and remembering my "roots" growing up in Southern Bible belt churches.



For many people, even those that read my blog, you don't share these views expressed in this video series. I have purposely been searching/studying about the subject of drinking alcohol mostly because of how alone Kevin and I feel in our stance to abstain 100%. It doesn't make us more holy or more Christian, it just means that we are following OUR convictions. I was searching for the Biblical, emotional, psychological reasoning behind why we believe what we do. People have asked us OVER and OVER recently, WHY we don't drink and WHY we believe it to be wrong for us. I've discussed it with many of you and I've made many of the same points as the video, but by golly....this preacher has spoken it for me better than I ever could!



For us, it's not about sin or not sin. Every person has to decide that for himself/herself. For us, it's about the IMAGE or MESSAGE we send. We are being convicted on EVERY level of saying one thing or doing another or sending a mixed message to our children or nonbelievers. We are in the process of examining EACH and EVERY part of our lives to see where we are falling short of being who God wants us to be. My gosh, the list of failures is much longer than the getting it "right". Because drinking alcohol has become such a HUGE topic for MANY months, I decided it was time to really understand why we make the choices we do.



I don't want to have my faith built solely on my upbringing. I don't want to have convictions just because that is what I was immersed in. I want to make sure that I believe what I believe because I BELIEVE it. Make sense? Now that we have reached the point of having a teenager in the house, it's also bringing about changes in how we parent. We want to make sure that our children understand why we believe what we do. We are seeking the end of mixed messages of I can do this, but you can't. We have a long way to go and many bridges left to cross, but on this topic we may continue to stand with few people beside us....but that's OK. I can stand alone or nearly alone; God gave me a stubborn streak for a reason. I know why I believe what I do and my opinion has not changed. Instead of getting "weaker" or leaning on the fence....my convictions are even stronger.



This video is the best I've heard to express what we feel. It echoes so many of the same conversations we have been having. The video posted is the 2nd part of 3 videos. Both 1 and 3 are excellent, but the "meat" of the sermon is here in the 2nd part.

Gratitude For an Answered Prayer

One great thing (which there are many) about blogging is that as times goes along, you have a journal that allows you to see when God does answer your prayers and it makes it easier to see your blessings in "black and white." As I was trying to go to sleep last night (another hard to fall asleep night), I began to think about a prayer I had prayed for my daughter and how God had already put His answers in place.

God blessed us with a daughter that has always been beyond her years in maturity and has had great understanding of the world around her. She has a mature faith that comes from her own beliefs, not just because "we say so". As much as Kev and I have struggled with standing our ground to live "set apart" from the world, it has been equally as hard for her if not harder. She has more sense of right and wrong and a better grasp of priorities than many of her friend's parents. That makes it hard for a 13 year old! She knows the choices she makes are ones that make God proud, but it feels like hitting a brick wall when her friends (ESPECIALLY those at church of all places) constantly make bad choices. For that reason, we began to pray for her to have mentors to come along and encourage her. Mentors that could hold her accountable to that higher standard AND to help pick her up when she didn't feel like she could "fight" for her beliefs any longer.

God has provided that for her and I am so very thankful. Knowing just how picky I am about who influences her, I am very pleased with whom He has placed in her life. She now has 4 ladies in her life that she knows she can go to about anything. I feel comfortable knowing that they have her best interest at heart and that they will be excellent at leading her along right paths. They've been great about letting her know that even though it may be hard to stand her ground at times, but she's doing what is right and to keep holding onto those beliefs. She loves how they've never treated her like a "little" kid!

I must say, God has provided her with an amazing cheering section in those ladies. They are all amazing WOMEN of GOD! Their hearts are huge, they are all hilarious, and all involved in ministry. I LEARN from these women every time I'm around them, so I know she is in great hands. Thank you God for providing my daughter with such a great team behind her. Thank you: Erin F, Lisa H, Margo S, and Casie C for being such blessings to our family!

Time is TOO Short

Some days you just don't feel like staying on track. You don't want to follow the rules. You don't want to do "what is best". Some people may not admit to that truth, but I do. I admit to wondering what it would be like to throw caution to the wind and be "wild". I wonder would it would be like to forget what people expect of you and what you expect of yourself and say the heck with it. I wonder what it would be like to have no consequences, no responsibilities, and no worries about doing what is right or what is best for all of those around you.

I may wonder and ponder, but not about to "wander" and look around. Here is the reality: you can't sit on the fence or have one foot in one door and one foot in another. There is no point in meandering along trying to bounce back and forth. God says you can't have it both ways. That is where my "wondering" ends. I can't dabble in sin, just a little here or a little there, and then expect to feel connected to Him. I can't successfully HEAR GOD if I have a heart full of anger, bitterness, and jealousy.

I've been thinking SO much about the extreme heartache so many people are going through. Since I'm a highly emotional person, tender hearted to the extreme, I easily find myself so burdened that I verge on the edge of depression just thinking about it. How can you not hurt for people and their situations? How can you heart not break to see what they are going through? All I know to do is to encourage these people to not give up, stand strong, and then petition God on their behalf. I admit, sometimes that doesn't seem like enough and I struggle with how to handle that. EVEN IF God provides them a miracle, the hurt they are going through is hard to watch. If you open your eyes and hearts, you can see it EVERY where you look.

IF nothing else, the situations that are around us should be telling us something VERY important. WE have our priorities wrong. WE aren't reaching out enough. WE are only going to "make it" in this day and time if we fully commit our lives to God. It's obvious that WE CAN NOT do it on our own. HEARTACHE is real. It's more than being stressed, tired, and overwhelmed. REAL hearts are being broken. Parents don't know which way to turn in raising their children AGAINST the grain anymore. Parents are facing issues with their children THEY never dreamed they would face. Job loss. Medical emergencies. Loss of EVERY kind. Financial stress like never before. Broken marriages and infidelity every direction you turn.

How do you find peace and comfort in such times? God is the simple answer. He gives hope when things seem hopeless. Even if the situation doesn't change or the miracle you seek doesn't happen, God is still in control and He can lift you through ANY dark situation.

Something that I think we as a society are forgetting is that how quickly time passes. Our children grow in a blink of an eye. Stability can be shaken in an instant with just one bad decision. There isn't time to wonder about living life on the wild side. There isn't time to dabble in sin and think that it doesn't have consequences. Time is fleeting and it can be over in a blink of an eye. You may think that JUST ONE more day and you will turn your life over to God. What's JUST one more day? One more day is something that isn't guaranteed.

Just this weekend a local mother, one that was a cheerleading coach and well thought of, died in a completely FREAK accident. Do you think she had ANY idea that her life was going to end while looking at pictures, sitting on football bleachers of a freshman football jamboree? She had no idea that her life was going to end on Saturday afternoon when a utility pole would come crashing down. She didn't leave her home that morning to go watch her son at the ballgame and know that she would die. Life ended in a TRUE blink of an eye. We are NOT guaranteed one more breathe. There may not be time to invite God to take control of your life. Even if you life another 20 years or more, wouldn't each of those days matter more and mean more to have God with you through every thing you face. Just a thought.

Menu Planning: Part 1

My basic meal plan is set for this 1st Semester of school. It will probably have to change after Christmas because I expect a change in schedule. At this point, I haven't settled on the ACTUAL meals but rather "themes". For now, that's about all I can pull off. I have too many other "details" to work with right now to get more specific. At least I do have a starter plan.

Breakfast:

• Monday: are fresh baked days (muffins, breads, etc.) a "hot" start to kick our new week off
• Tuesday: HOT cereal day (cream of wheat--my kids BEG for it, oatmeal of different varieties/flavors, including baked)
• Wednesday: Cold cereal, breakfast bars, pop tarts or something similar (figure by midweek, I need a "break")
• Thursday: from the freezer day since we have commitments those days (breakfast burritos, breakfast cookies, fruit cups, "mc-muffins", etc.... whatever happens to have made it on the list during freezer cooking days and can be zapped and eaten while running out the door)
• Friday: pancakes/waffles or "cheater" doughnuts (made from canned biscuits and my kids LOVE them)...today is a celebration of making it through another week!

Lunch:

• Monday: from the freezer (various items cooked ahead: chicken nuggets, mini meat loaves, pizza pockets, etc....)
• Tuesday: Sandwiches (we are gone during the normal lunch "prep" time so this has to be a simple day)
• Wednesday: "fun" meal to get us over the mid week doldrums...something creative (usually from Family Fun.com)
• Thursday: packed lunch for a picnic at the playground after PMO or Little Caesar's Hot-n-Ready ($5.46 with tax gets me a pizza and crazy bread since we purchased one of the fundraiser cards from a neighbor)
• Friday: from the freezer

Dinner:

• Monday: PASTA night w/ Salad (this is BOARD game night!)
• Tuesday: CROCKPOT meal (Adriana doesn't get home until 8:30 so I have to have something that can be eaten at different times since this is our only non-family dinner night and she HAS to eat as soon as she walks in the door. This is also FAMILY devotional night.)
• Wednesday: from the FREEZER since 607 starts back SOON (YEAH!!!!) and there just isn't time to fix anything and FCC is not offering meals this time around.
• Thursday: from scratch/try out a new recipe or even a "new" cook (Adriana, Kevin) This is "friendly competition" night which means time to break out new batteries for the Wii remotes.
• Friday: "easy" meal night or snack bar at Oasis depending on whether it is our turn to volunteer or just drop Adriana off. Leftovers are a big possibility.

Snacks: still working on my list and tweaking recipes for things we typically purchase prepackaged and want to cook at home. This is also going to be "fun" since many days will revolve around Bradlee's pre-K curriculum. Many days may coincide with his "book" or letter of the day. Most excited about that!

So for those of you who have asked, there is my plan. It's not as specific as you were probably expecting, but that is what is working best for now. I hope to get more specific, especially in regards to knowing exactly what I want to do for freezer meals....but my brain hasn't wrapped around all of that with all we have going on right now. Baby steps!

NOT Super-MOM!

One week and TWO days. That's all I have left before we dive back into our 9th year of homeschooling. Yikes! NEVER dreamed we would still be here 9 years later, but wouldn't go back and change our decision for ANYTHING. Do things differently...absolutely. NOT do it...NEVER!

I've allowed MEGA loads of pressure to be piled on my shoulders as the date draws near and the more and more I've tried to simplify life, I think I've ended up further from my goal. Create a schedule that gets EVERYTHING to fit in. ORGANIZE everything in sight so that there is less CHAOS to deal with. Pick and choose curriculum from limitless sources so that EACH need of EACH child is covered. Figure out a way to also keep a spotless home. Plan, purchase ingredients, and cook 3 meals plus snacks every day. Don't forget that each one of those meals/snacks has to be cleaned up after in order to maintain order in our home. Volunteer in Early Childhood on Sunday. Volunteer in Children's Ministry on Wednesday. Volunteer for PMO on one Thursday morning so I can have the 3 other as "me" time. Prep COUNTLESS projects for a Pre-K curriculum that is FULLY hands on (otherwise a certain student WILL DESTROY everything in sight if his hands and mind aren't fully engaged). Laundry. Taxi runs. Budget & pay the bills and do it on one income. Spend one on one time with God. Spend family time with God. Manage the outside activities of 3 kids going in 3 directions....which results in MORE taxi runs and MORE time away from home and less time actively in front of the "books". Spend time with neighbors that are lonely, aging, or going through VERY difficult times. Attend enrichment activities with the kids to spark learning more. Plan lessons & unit studies for 3 kids with WAY different capabilities. Laundry...have to mention that again because it never ends!!! Spend time with my husband. Exercise. Eat healthy & be active to lose weight and get my health back under control again. Spend time on my "other" passions. Read. Blog. AND THE LIST could continue to go on!

It's VERY overwhelming. It's very daunting and NO matter how much I simplify I find myself getting deeper in the pit of "not good" enough. I get caught up in the:

• I should have already done this or that.
• THIS shouldn't be an issue any longer.
• I'm not as good at THIS as "she" is.
• I have WAY more potential than I'm using.
• There are better ways.

That list can go on as well. I have huge stars in my eyes and find myself falling off the pedestal I've placed myself on VERY quickly when things don't run as I THINK they should. KEY WORDS: I THINK.

Instead, I should be thinking of what GOD thinks. He didn't make me perfect. He didn't make me ALL capable. He doesn't care if I don't have a menu plan together even if I KNOW it would help me balance everything else better. He doesn't care how many manipulatives are thrown in every corner of the room. He doesn't care if I have one load or fifteen loads of laundry piled up. He doesn't care if I use curriculum A, B, or a combination of XYTRDFNM.

What he does care about is ME. He cares that I am spending time with Him first. He cares that I'm leaning on Him and accepting that I am not SUPERMOM. He cares if I'm letting HIM lead. He cares more about my heart and the heart that I share with my children. He doesn't want me stressed out and ineffective. He wants me humbled before Him, ASKING for direction. Why? BECAUSE that is WHEN I'm going to become effective. THAT is when I'm going to make the RIGHT kind of difference in my family and home. He just wants me to stop worrying so much about the details. Worrying about the details is what gets me in the most trouble because that is when I FALL short! He doesn't want me to worry about measuring up to SOMEONE else's standards (including MY OWN!). He doesn't want me to set myself up for failure. He doesn't want me stuck on the merry-go-round of trying to be supermom or people pleasing. He just WANTS ME. Surely, I can LEARN to just do THAT. Once I get THAT down-pat, EVERYTHING else is going to fall into place.

Perhaps I need to focus on the "He" portion of Psalm 119. (Psalm 119 is a Hebrew acrostic poem with 22 stanzas each representing each successive letter of the Hebrew alphabet....even though I personally don't know the alphabet!)

Teach me your decrees, O Lord;

I will keep them to the end.

Give me understanding and I will obey your instructions;

I will put them into practice with all my heart.

Make me walk along the path of your commands,

for that is where my happiness is found.

Give me an eagerness for you laws rather than a love of money!

Turn my eyes from worthless things, and give me life through your word.

Reassure me of your promise, made to those who fear you.

Help me abandon my shameful ways;

for your regulations are good.

I long to obey your commandments!

Renew my life with your goodness.

Holding Hands

I was awake most of the night thinking of this post. I didn't get up and write it because I am trying to avoid late nights on the computer since I tend to "check" or do JUST ONE thing and it snowballs until an hour or two have gone by unnoticed! I would probably have had better sleep, if I just had got up and wrote what I was thinking and God was revealing. I thought I would do it first thing this morning before everyone got up. That didn't happen either since Mr. Middle Child woke up sick at 4:30 this morning and every time he made a dash to the bathroom the dog would start barking insanely as if the biggest, scariest, ugliest prowler was coming in a back window. Repeat that cycle for about 3 hours. Yes, it was a fun morning in the Goad abode! Hopefully the worst is over, but of course you always have to be prepared for it to NOT be an isolated event.

I am finally in the book of Psalm in the 90 Day Bible Challenge. I've actually reached the half way point of days and am ahead by about a week. I'm so excited to have STUCK with a "challenge". I've failed at so many others, so it's nice to feel a victory. The greater victory has been the amazing renewed passion for God's word. I think my eyes and heart have been open more this time than EVER before and instead of it just being "words", it has reached me on a different level. It also REALLY helps that I love the version I've been reading from: New Living Translation. I still use my NIV or KJV in "deeper" study, but this challenge is about reading...not studying. Your whole purpose is to read the Bible---cover to cover---in order, in 90 days (88 days with 2 catch up days built in.) I admit, reading the Old Testament is not always pleasant and I was excited to finally be in Psalm.

As I read last night, a verse felt like it LITERALLY jumped off the page. Psalms contains MANY of my favorite verses, but THIS one isn't one that I had ever really paid attention to. Maybe it is because of the new version, or maybe I just had "missed" it before. It just grabbed me and won't let go. As the evening went on and then when I went to bed, the verse wouldn't go away and that is when God start revealing "life application" and really reached me on a deeper level.

"The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in EVERY detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will not fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand." Psalm 37: 23-24

Initially I found great comfort in the verse to know that God cares about every aspect of my life. It seems that right now, in the place I am right now in life, I need MOST help with the details. Most amount of stress comes from DETAILS....how to pay this bill, how to solve this problem, how to balance these roles, how to set up our day to accomplish all the needs, which curriculum to choose, which topics to cover first, what life skills need to be taught. THOSE kind of details are swirling around and leaving me dizzy. Then there are the details of illness and heartache all around and how to best support those people involved. What matters is this: GOD is in the details. HE already knows EACH and EVERY situation I'm facing and He will direct my steps when I allow Him to. He will direct me in the things I can control and even more importantly He can direct me in the things I can NOT control. He can control my response and my emotions. I can find hope in Him when hope seems lost otherwise. As the verse says, I'm going to stumble and I stumble more than I walk a straight line. The amazing thing is that He won't let me fall completely flat on my face. The only time that happens is when I'm not holding His hand. I fall flat on my face when I'm out of His will or when I try to do things in my own power. If I'm going to be walking on my own, I better be wearing one of the kid's bicycle helmets because it is going to be a guaranteed crash and burn kind of situation.

As much as I love those comforting thoughts about him TRULY caring about ME, the real amazing part that struck a cord deep in my heart was the "hand holding" part. THAT is the part that had me up ALL night with the gears in my hand spinning WAY too fast!

In my house there are two people that you will find holding my hand on a constant basis, and many times both at the same time. The other two are in the stage of being beyond hand holding by family members and not to the point of hand holding in relationships (thank goodness!!). I began thinking of holding hands with Bradlee and Kevin and how the meanings are so different and how God also fulfills those same roles.

When I'm holding Bradlee's hand, it means:

• I'm keeping you safe. I'm not letting you get struck by a car. I'm protecting you.
• I'm helping you. Though you are a BIG kid, sometimes you still are unsteady in situations and I'm giving you just a tad bit of help.
• I love you. I want to be sharing in these moments with you.
• I'm directing you. Sometimes you might want to go somewhere or touch something that you don't need to. Some things are just too tempting to leave you alone with, so I'm guiding you and keeping you from those temptations.
• Redirection. You've gone the wrong way, and now I'm going to lead you back the right direction. This hand holding is generally not so gentle! :)
• I think you are just so stinking cute and lovable and I don't want to see these days end!

When I'm holding Kevin's hand, it means:

• I love you. You are the only one for me and I want to be physically connected to you.
• I'm in agreement with you. We are in this together.
• I just need to touch you, to feel you near me. I need to know that we aren't going in opposite directions.
• I support you. Touch exhibits love and shows caring.
• I'm going to physically help you. Sometimes I may need help climbing that steep hill or coming down that BIG step.
• Comfort. Connection. Intimacy. Support. Agreement. I like you. I love you. We are best friends. ALL of those things.

As that verse keep going through my head and I kept coming back to the part about Him holding my hand, I couldn't help but get excited. Looking at all of the things that holding hands means, how could I not. HE is holding my hand and it's more than just in guidance and direction. He loves me, supports me, is physically helping me, comforting me, directing me, bringing me back on the right path when I've gone the wrong way, etc... and He simply just wants to be with me. Does that not make you feel amazing? GOD of the universe wants to BE WITH YOU simply because HE loves you. HE wants to be holding your hand! WOW!

Broken & Shattered

Some days you need to just know that you are doing SOMETHING...ANYTHING right. You just need confirmation that all the twisting, painful growing pains are accomplishing SOMETHING! I tend to get REALLY caught up in the opinions of other people and most especially my own self-doubt or self-incrimination. I can very easily get caught up in being my own worst enemy. So, every once in awhile, it's good to get a glimpse of just a slight bit of the change going on in yourself. THE changes that matter and are going to continue to grow as time goes on.

Unfortunately, getting that glimpse today came at a cost. It came from seeing shattered remains of some of my most loved items.

We attended a picnic today at an apple orchard less than 5 minutes away with some great families of young children in our church. The weather was PERFECT and it's one of our favorite places. When Bradlee woke up, the first thing out of his mouth was "Is it time? Can I go get my lunch box out of the fridge?" Excitement was in the air as we began to enjoy a tiny glimpse of our FAVORITE season. I love FALL!!!!! (Just don't remind me it ushers in the MISERABLE Illinois winter when for months you see nothing but gray skies and the wind cuts like a knife.)

While I was getting ready to go, I heard a certain little 4 YO squealing at the top of his lungs. He was chasing the big kids and the dog through the living room. He quickly retreated to the safety of our bedroom and SLAMMED the door with EVERY ounce of his strength. That slam shook the adjoining wall so hard that an entire shelf of my most loved "treasures" came crashing down. Shattered. Broken. Irreplaceable. Beyond Repair.

It's JUST things. THINGS are NOT people. There are BIGGER issues to worry about and "stuff" really doesn't compare. However, it hurt. It hurt because of the attachment I have placed on those items. You see, when holidays come around it takes EVERYTHING we have and more to provide appropriate gifts for our children. Gifts to Kevin and I from the kids or to each other are FEW and FAR between. The other holidays and special days fall in the middle of other financially binding times, so it has become normal to only spend a few dollars on each other. When you can generally only spend about $25, finding the PERFECT gift becomes a journey. Kevin has become great about finding things that he KNOWS I will love. They generally have a meaningful Bible verse or reminder about our relationship, family or motherhood on them. Many times I pause to see those items and it gets me through another rough day or helps me to refocus on what is important.

THAT is what was on the shelf that now was on the ground in hundreds of pieces. A physical reminder of WHY we are on the path that we are. A reminder of where we've been, where we are going and what God might just possibly have in store for us. It was also a focal point for me that I found symbolic. THOSE items were important. Those items meant the world to me. Anyone that really knows me knows that little things SPEAK volumes to me and sentimental gifts are what I "need". I'm never going to be one that can go out and see something beautiful in a store and just walk up and buy without thinking about if it fits into the budget. Even the smallest of purchases have to be planned for. I accept that as part of choosing to be at home with our family. IT IS WORTH IT!

The revelation that showed me how I had grown and changed in recent months came from my reaction. I didn't yell. I didn't breakdown. I didn't sit in the floor and cry (even though I REALLY wanted to!). I calmly picked up the large broken pieces, vacuumed up the tiny ones and then gave me child a BIG hug. The hug that said:

• it's OK, accidents happen....even if you may not have been on your best behavior.
• you may have broken almost every last one of my "treasures " in the last 2 years (while the older 2 have only broken 1 or 2 in their entire lives), but you are MUCH bigger of a treasure to me.
• my heart is broken right now, but I see that yours is probably even more so and I'm going to step outside of myself and comfort you

I know that life is changing for me because of that instant reaction. God IS giving me a calmer spirit in the face of heartbreak and adversity. I still mess up more than I get right most days, but I know that I'm heading in the right direction.

I also thought about those broken pieces and how I wonder how God feels when He sees me shatter something. What about when I know what is right, but do something different? Lose my temper? Break someones spirit? Don't fulfill my potential? Hold onto unforgiveness or bitterness? Get caught up in jealousy? Gossip? Bad attitude? Ungratefulness? That list could continue on indefinitely. When He looks down at me and my shattered pieces, I think He "hugs" me with the same forgiveness and comfort that I gave Bradlee. THAT is grace. THAT is forgiveness. THAT is TRUE love. THAT is CHRIST! I'm so very thankful that He sees beyond my wrong actions or inactions and LOVES anyway! Nothing is more beautiful than that. THAT doesn't have to sit on a shelf and be treasured....that LIVES within each of us that call Christ our Savior. THAT will never be broken and shattered in a million pieces.

Where is that SNOOZE button?

As much as I wish it were different or no matter how much I try, I just can't make the switch to being a morning person. Despite getting up at 6:30 for over a month now, I still just can NOT say I'm awake and functioning. On the flip side, talk with me at midnight and you'll find me perky and bouncy. It's the perfect time for my brain cells----I can make decisions much easier and my thoughts seem to be actually "connected" instead of disjointed like most of the rest of the day. How I wish I woke up "bright eyed and bushy tailed"! I could accomplish SO much more in a normal day if that was the case.

Now, on the opposite end of the spectrum IS my bright eyed bushy tailed 4 year old that doesn't gracefully or slowly wake up. He doesn't greet the morning slowly. He instead flutters those eyes open once, sees the sun and SPRINGS to life. No such thing as just "five more minutes" or hitting a snooze button with him. When his eyes open, his ENTIRE being is already in FULL speed and he doesn't slow down once.

Unfortunately, you put these two very differently wired brains together and a clash is going to happen. A typical morning immediately starts with demands. "I want to watch a show." "I want my turn on the computer; I want to play on PBS kids." "I want a drink." "I'm hungry." "Can I go out now?" All the while these demands are being thrown at me and my brain hasn't yet acclimated to waking up, I'm tossing around flailing trying to smack the snooze button. However, there is NO snooze button to be found. How I just wish the demands would start at a slower pace, you know after at least 10 brain cells have come together and I can at the very least string two thoughts together. Nope....hasn't happened yet.

That scenario this morning brought about a different perspective. God reached out and found a way to speak to me in His typical fashion...unusual places, unusual ways.

I realized that as much as I wish my morning could be delayed by hitting snooze on Bradlee at LEAST one time, God probably feels that way about me. I come to Him placing demands a million miles a minute. I need this, can you do this, PLEASE, HELP, HEAL, PROVIDE, RESCUE, RESTORE.....and the list goes on. Granted, most of the prayers are REAL needs for REAL people in REAL conflict. He LOVES to hear my petitions and cares about each and every one of my concerns. However, I wonder how much more effective my prayer life would be if I just slowed down and paused long enough to just worship Him and THOROUGHLY thank Him. After all, as I've blogged about before....God created us to WORSHIP Him, not to make demands of Him. That message has made it through my foggy brain again, so maybe I didn't "get it" enough the first time. So, TRACYE, slow down.....worship GOD first, completely thank Him for what he is doing in your life and the lives of others. It's OK to ask Him for everything else, but REMEMBER what the priority is and WHAT your purpose is. Worship. Gratitude. Yes, I think I'm beginning to see it more clearly, but I imagine there will be many more chances for Him to remind me of that again and again!

To go along with the theme of "slowing" down, I'm starting a new challenge. I'm going to choose one day a week (maybe two) and sometime during that day, I'm going to make sure I spend time encouraging someone else. I'm going back to the "old" way....the HANDWRITTEN note by snail mail! It was partially inspired by our family viewing of Letters to God. It also came from the incredible boost I feel when someone sends me an email out of the blue or a totally unexpected card comes in the mail. I'm a sucker for handwritten words. It's a lost art. So my challenge is in 4 parts (and I'm sure it will snowball and grow as time goes along!). A card/note handwritten from the heart to 4 people. Hopefully, it will result in 4 smiles.

1. Someone that inspired, encouraged or made my life better growing up----a thank you for the blessing they were in my life.
2. Someone that inspires me now, encourages me or drives me to be a better person now---a thank you for the blessing that they are NOW.
3. Someone that is going through a difficult time---encouragement.
4. Someone that is in the same place in life as I am and that I know could use an extra boost to get them through. (stay at home Moms and homeschooling Moms top that list!)

I'm excited just thinking about it. Just knowing HOW much a kind word has COMPLETELY changed the outcome of my days, I think it will be a blessing to PURPOSELY share that with others. Who knows, before long...maybe my list of 4 will grow to 10 times that!

JUST three things?

I recently saw a variation of the following question and it made me stop and think....REALLY think!

What three things are the most important lessons you would like your children to learn? If you could only be assured that three things would always stick with them, what would you choose?

For those of you that really know me, you know just choosing three things is difficult for me. Can't tell you how many times I've been told to just turn my brain off or to stop thinking so deeply! I usually have NOVELS of thoughts, wishes, desires, what-ifs, ideas, etc.. floating around in my head! So to choose JUST three wasn't an easy task, but I did come up with mine.

1) Faith in God

I would choose to make sure that my kids have a deep rooted PERSONAL faith in God. It's not about religion, it's about relationship. It's not about ATTENDING church, it's about BEING the church. It's not about just doing what your parents do, it's about knowing why THEY believe it. It's not about people-pleasing, it's about God-pleasing. My thoughts are that if THEY have their own deep rooted faith in God, every other single thing will fall into place. Going through the motions isn't good enough. I want their faith so deep and strong that they can not just survive in the real world, but that they can flourish in any situation. Just as mentioned at church yesterday, I want them to be salt and light. Adding salt to a dish doesn't diminish the flavor of the salt, the rest of the dish takes on the flavor of the salt. Darkness doesn't engulf light, light overtakes darkness. If they are deep rooted in their OWN PERSONAL faith and have been given every chance to allow that to grow as a child, they are prepared to be salt and light. With deep rooted faith, the Holy Spirit can and WILL guide them through every other aspect of their lives. WHEN, NOT if, they mess up they will know that they are covered in grace and forgiveness and can begin again. Their faith can carry them through EVERY single obstacle and move every single mountain they will face. Granted, it will NEVER be an easy path and every time they turn around they will be faced with situations that break their hearts. With a deep rooted faith, they will have the HOPE that can only be experienced with God's arms to lean on.

2) A LOVE for learning!!

It isn't about knowing everything or forcing them to memorize facts. It isn't about "memorizing" the answers to pass the test. I absolutely want my children to be above average academically and to have the chance to succeed at anything they choose, but it doesn't come from the knowledge they possess. It comes from the LOVE of learning. I want them to LOVE the feeling that comes from learning something that seemed impossible months before. If they have a LOVE of learning, there isn't ANY single thing that they can't learn. A LOVE for learning covers every single aspect that might be lacking. I can not cover EVERY single base with my kids (nor can ANY teacher!) and I can't send them out in the world with every fact lodged inside their brains. What I can make sure is that when they enter the "real" world they have a passion to always learn and expand their knowledge base. If they don't know something, I can make sure they know how to FIND the information and have a desire to do so. If those passions and abilities are in place, they will find themselves unstoppable!

3) A Healthy View of Marriage

This one really touches my heart deeply. Happy, healthy marriages are becoming hard to find with each passing day. Our kids are growing up in a world that the sacred, covenant vows of marriage seem to be "of the past". One of my goals as a parent, is to make sure that my kids are part of the solution. When I married Kevin, we said we were going to be the beginning of the end of the cycle. We wanted the kids that we would be blessed to be given to have a different start at life. We didn't want them to grow up with the baggage that comes with being a child of divorce. I've been there and Kevin's adult sons are part of those statistics, along with the majority of those around us. How amazingly blessed would our next generation of families be if they have been raised in a home with TWO loving parents that have provided incredible stability and the assurance that LOVE does conquer all! I can not change my past and as much as Kevin wishes he had been able to provide a different life for his sons, he can't go back and change it. What we can do and seek to do EVERYDAY is to make sure that the cycle ends with us. When the cycle ends with us, our children have a different foundation and will carry that ahead into future generations.

It is about MUCH MUCH MUCH more than just staying married. Look around and that is easy to see. How many couples do you see that are strangers in their own homes or may be married but are so disrespectful and hurt that their homes are no longer a safe, welcome haven for their children? Being "married" is MUCH more than a piece of paper or a ring on your finger.

For our kids, we wanted them to see that problems arise and may arise often, but LOVE wins out. You may have to forgive when forgiveness is the last thing you want to offer. You may have to give up some of your own dreams and desires for the OTHER person. You may have to do things out of your comfort zone to make the other person happy. What they also will see is that the OTHER person does the same thing. Marriage is NEVER about ME, it's about US! When you get caught in the ME trap, you destroy your marriage. Been there....done that! It's about give and take, not about take and give a little when you have extra time.

We also vowed to not hide affection from our kids. They NEED to see us appropriately touching, kissing, being playful and doing sweet things for each other! They NEED to see that outward sign of affection. How else will they know how to treat their future spouse? How else will they know what to seek in a spouse? How else will Adriana know how she should expect to be treated? On the flip side, it KEEPS a marriage alive! They need to see that Kevin and I think the world of each other and we are not shy about showing it. They may make gagging noises or say, "oh no, not again...", but if you see them out of the corner of your eye...you can see them smiling and feel the comfort they have.

How do I know this for a fact? Because we've been on the other of the end of the spectrum. We've been the "norm".....the strangers in the same home. We've been the ones so full of bitterness, regret, disappointment that communication was impossible or even being in the same room was too painful. We've been the ones that have walked out doors without the intention of coming back. We've been the ones to sit down and tell the kids that we just couldn't do it anymore. Yes, that's BEEN us. Unfortunately. Regrettably. Painfully.

I can't tell you the magic key we used to change it. I can tell you that most people would find that "truth" shocking. We are so incredibly in love and making our marriage thrive to the point that people criticize us or call us fake. NOPE! I think when you've been to the bottom and find yourself come out of that pit that you can't help but show the world. I can honestly say I love Kevin more than I could have ever dreamed of and that I love him much more than the day I married him. Just like most brides, you think you have the most perfect relationship and that everything is going to be smooth sailing. YOU aren't like all the others that have failed or are miserable. Yes, I thought that too! The key is to find the way to overcome REAL world when it hits. Fortunately, we have found our path and are enjoying the benefits of sticking with it. WE are enjoying the new discoveries of just how AMAZING real love founded in Christ can be. We are basking in the joy of "I am my beloved and he is mine". So pardon our sappiness....our open support of each other. Close your eyes if you don't want to see love notes or encouragement sprinkled all over our home. Block us on facebook or "hide" us if you don't want to see our playful banter. WE aren't changing or backtracking. Why? Because we've been there and NEVER want a glimpse of that darkness again. Why else? Because our children deserve it. They've seen the dark and they most certainly deserve to see what it feels like to be in a home so filled with love that it HAS to spill out! They need to see it, feel it AND remember it! Some day (and for a certain daughter....at least 25 more years !!! ) they will be faced with their own marriage battles and they can look back and remember that YES you can stick with things and NOT JUST overcome, but you can make it into something amazingly beautiful!

On a side note: we hope that it also overflows into their personal relationships with Christ. We know without a doubt that without our faith in God, we would have never overcome. We hope that they see that when they face VERY difficult obstacles or hard times that no matter how it feels at the time, God IS with them and HE WILL lead them down the right paths. Easy...not always. BUT if they stick with Him, in the end it will all work out!

I Can't!!

"There are just some things I can not do. That's a fact & I'm OK with that!" Who would have thought such GREAT wisdom would have been heard in a young child's cartoon? Even better yet, who would have thought that my brain would have picked it up and processed it at 7:00 in the morning! Just plain miraculous! OK---so the show (Martha Speaks) is an animated cartoon with a talking dog. Realistic? Obviously not! Speaking the truth? Absolutely.

I have been busy this morning actually getting some things accomplished. Not the energizer bunny by any means, but finally moving in a positive direction and seeing things come together. I know my list is overwhelming at the moment, but just yesterday's boost from God has opened up the door to allow me to be not so "paralyzed" with inaction because I didn't know which direction to go. As I've buzzed around, that cartoon statement has been on a repeat loop in my head and I can't get it to go away.

First off, there are things I CAN NOT do. I don't think I could write out an exhaustive list because there are more things I can't do than I can do. Unfortunately, I get wrapped up in the "not" as some kind of failure or that there is something lacking in me. I realized just how much I needed to carry the rest of the statement over into my own life. "That's a fact and I'm OK with that!" Wow! Let's try it....I, Tracye Goad, can NOT do (fill in the blank) and I'm OK with that. I think that just provided freedom like never before.

It doesn't mean I'm not going to try, but it does mean that I should be content with MY "cant's". Sure there are learning opportunities EVERY direction I turn and I will never stop learning, but there are things I can NOT do. On the silly side, I can NOT ride a roller coaster (because I WILL hurl and I will literally thinking I'm going to die!). I can NOT play team sports (unless it's part of the laugh Olympics). I can NOT go two days in a row without tripping over my own two feet or spilling something. Facts.

What about taking it up a few notches and going deeper? I can NOT be all things to ALL people. I can NOT control other people's actions. I can NOT protect my kids, my husband, myself or my loved ones from EVERY hurt. I can NOT make every decision for my children. I can NOT make time speed up, slow down, rewind, or fast forward. I can NOT balance all of my roles without help. I can NOT meet every need. I can NOT make it so my husband fulfills EACH and EVERY one of my needs (or friend, parent, etc....) I can NOT make every past hurt, disappointment, or failure go away. Oh, goodness...that list could go on forever. Plain and simple, I CAN NOT....that's a fact and I'm OK with that. Or at the very least, I'm learning to be OK with that. Work in process.

Going even deeper with that thought process brings me to the REAL freedom in believing that it is OK to be content with the "can not's". I do NOT have to be ALL of those things and I do NOT have to be able to do everything. Gasp.....did you just hear that huge weight being lifted? Coming from a perfectionist with my driven personality, that's a huge "AHA" moment. I don't have to be ALL of those things because I was NOT MEANT to be!!!! DID you hear that? I am EXACTLY who God created me to be, with the skills and personality he gave me. I always have room for growth and will constantly be seeking to move ahead, but guess what.....HE is going to love me regardless of how long that process takes or if I EVER reach my goals or not.

I don't have to look at other supermom's and feel lacking. Their grass isn't always greener (or as someone likes to tell me....if it does look greener it's because it's sitting over a septic system!). I don't have to do things the way someone else does them for it to be "right". If I'm seeking God and keeping my eyes focused on Him, nothing else is going to matter. He will either GIVE me the skills I need, provide someone that CAN, or show me that it didn't matter in the first place. I constantly think of the statement that "He doesn't call the equipped, HE EQUIPS the called!" How true is that. So where I can't.....HE will. Sometimes, He turns those "can not's" into "can" and other times He provides a different way. The other things, things that I have ZERO control over, HE does control.

So for now, as I look at the overwhelming tasks in front of me, I'm going to say I CAN'T. It's not a giving up attitude, because we know that a defeated attitude gets you NOWHERE. It's more about having freedom in knowing that when I can't, HE CAN! He can move the mountains, provide the need, heal the hurt, make a way when there doesn't see any way possible. HE can! I can't!!!! "There are just some things I can not do. That's a fact and I'm OK with that!"

Word Of God Speak