Today, I'm thinking about how we are praying and seeking for God's provision and for the doors to open to provide those desires because we believe that God's desire for us lines up with our desires.
That is place of peace that words just can't describe.
I write this post mainly because I want to remember. I want to remember these emotions and I want to remember what it was like to feel the results of surrender.
We know where we desire to be and we have visions in our hearts of what we picture ourselves doing. While we wait to see that become reality....
We are experiencing some amazing things that just don't make sense other than to know that it comes from having stopped the running.
- I can pray again without hindrance.
- I can sleep like I've not sleep in longer than I can remember (except obviously when the kids have needs and the typical things that come along with parenthood).
- I can pray again with hope and expectation. I don't have this looming fear that my prayers don't go beyond the roof. I still have doubts and don't have the full "mustard seed" faith that I desire, but it IS growing.
- I feel like for the first time in a very long time, I'm returning to myself---meaning I feel like ME. I am acting like me.
- Not only do I feel like me, but I feel I'm finally in this place that God can shape me HIS way. HE is getting through my outer shell and into the most inner part of me.
- Our home----oh my goodness---it's just JOY filled. There is a lightness that words can't describe, even in the midst of HEAVY decisions. Many of you know we are struggling with some parenting issues (just typical things that most parents have to work through) and though we still have mountains to climb, we see progress and hope like never before.
- We are softer and more vulnerable with each other. ALL of us. We are communicating in a way that just has honestly been missing.
- I can't get enough of being with God and spending time in His word and talking to Him.
- I feel like I'm walking around with a glow---just a true overflowing.
- I can feel the Holy Spirit moving more freely in me by the minute and I have MISSED this freedom for so long. Chains are literally breaking every direction. I wait with expectation knowing that as more chains break, I will become more of the me He has designed me to be
- I am thankful for the little messages ("coincidences" others might say) to our hearts in the most amazing little ways. Enough of a reminder to keep our hearts focused.
- I'm amazed at how the things/belongings we have suddenly just seem less important. As we think ahead to know that some day, we will be somewhere else with MUCH MUCH less "stuff", we are finding how much things once so important just don't matter. Just yesterday, I sat around looking and thinking some about our home and what makes it "ours" and I realized more and more it isn't the stuff. It isn't what is on the walls, in our closets, etc... Even the hobbies and things that have brought me joy, just don't seem to have the same pull. Yes, I still want to craft and create, read, sew, scrapbook, etc... but there has been a shift. Even last night, I found myself looking at some clothes I bought last week and I realized I didn't need them. Not HERE in this time and most definitely not in the future we were see ourselves serving. (Obviously clothes will be necessary----but not the same types or the same quantity!). So we returned which ones I could.
- As we look ahead to activities that we are planning ahead for or we know that come up every year, we wonder will we be here? Will be here for this one, but not the next one? It is making us realize which activities are truly valued and which ones were just "extra".
- I am finding that I'm in a place of more joy just in the little things. Though time is still a constraint and finding the right balance in taking care of everything on my plate in regards to our home, homeschooling, littles, husband, spending time with God, and the countless other things....is well...a HARD struggle....BUT I'm finding that my attitude is different and I'm doing many of those things with much more abandon and enjoyment.
- This is huge---I'm finding I can let go and just focus on the moment. That is PURELY of the Holy Spirit changing in me. I'm a recovering perfectionist. I'm a scheduler/planner/have a back up to plan B and C, and put some very unreal expectations on myself. Though I've been working to change that for a good year now, I finally feel some real progress is being made.
- Kevin and I talk daily about how we SEE God at work. We see little things happening that we KNOW are coming from Him. We can look back at things and see how He was preparing the way or making His presence known. Beginning to see some threads in the tapestry He has woven for us.
- Kevin and I also talk daily about how we are in this place of "the things of the world will grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace"....it's TRUE. The things that mattered or hurt so much last week, just are growing STRANGELY dim. They are there. They still hurt. They still have to be dealt with....but they are just dim. We are big picture focused and it releases such weight, allows for healing and forgiveness of some things, and just allows our hearts to become centered on Him.
- Even though I'm CONSTANTLY with my children, I'm finding more and more desire to be with them. TRULY be present with them and just embrace more of every little moment. Thursday nights are my night "off"---I can use that to go to the library and read, spend time shopping (or window shopping most often), eat a meal by myself, just about anything that $20 allows. Kevin gives me this night to renew my spirit and renew physically and mostly just to SOAK in some quiet and calm (if you can imagine being home ALL the time with 16,12, 7 and multiple 2 year olds and younger....you find you NEED renewal even though you LOVE with PASSION your life!). My family has outgrown the ages and benefits of a Parent/Mom Morning Out program, but it was still needed. I've found that I still need that quiet and calm, but I need my family just as much. Last night, I asked my family to come along with "my" night off and we made it family night out. We still stuck to the $20 limit and shared some plates of chicken teriyaki and ate it at a park the kids had never been to but that Kev and I frequent on date night. The weather was our first beautiful "fall-like" night and we both just sat back and awe of the changes we see in our kids. They also GLOW with expectation.
- I'm finding God giving me new opportunities to connect with individuals. To encourage individuals through trials they are focusing with new eyes and new purpose. He's let me see that at times of feeling "non-existent" and invisible---I was being seen by Him and that He is using some of my darkest times as a ministry opportunity.
The point is that, even in the midst of the doubts that are creeping in or in some cases screaming, we know they are not indicators of reality. Reality is what we are seeing and knowing to be true.
We know this is our call. We know that the peace we feel and the changes in our heart is of God. We know that as long as we are fully seeking Him as we are and how that growth continues.....we can't go wrong.
We can wait for the answers. But we don't wait helplessly.... We are being proactive. We are beginning to seek financial support in a "what-if" scenario. Just speaking out of our passion and what is in our hearts. We refuse to let these moments pass us by. We are actively in pursuit.
We can wait for the answers and doors to open AND weed through the uncertainty and what now....because we know He's opening little doors at a time and a BIG one is just around the corner.
We can wait for the "please come join us.....we have a spot JUST waiting for your family".....
I can wait for the answers because I'm so amazed with just what is happening to our faith just in the saying yes.....
I can only imagine what happens to our faith when He swings that door WIDE open and says...come...I've been waiting for you. I've been preparing this place for you. THIS is the opportunity I've had for you.
I can wait for that!