The last weeks have been incredibly busy, full of stressful events, and just in general...hard! They've also been full of joy, laughter, and absolutely incredible! Tonight, I KNOW I should be grabbing every second of sleep possible. However, I'm finding that I've had a tough time sleeping. It's when the entire house is quiet, that I finally have the chance to BREATHE and REALLY connect with God. Instead of giving me restful sleep, I've felt God twisting me in every direction once again trying to get in my heart. Bending. Twisting. Working HIS way through all the messes I've made, all the times I've tripped over my own two feet getting in HIS way. Connecting. Soothing. Teaching me that HE is in control, even when I'm uncertain of how the outcome is working for His good. It's been such a myriad of emotions.
Tonight, I've found myself coming back to a Jeremy Camp song called Empty Me. Even though I LOVE the newer version that was written by Chris Sligh (American Idol) and think those words are amazing as well, I'm referring to an older Jeremy Camp song also entitled Empty Me.
"Holy Fire burn away, my desire for anything that is not of you and is of me. I want more of you and less of me......Empty me, Fill me with you"
I think for the last several months, that is what I'm finding that He is trying to do in me. Sometimes He has succeeded, but many more times my own stubbornness and selfishness have prevented Him from fulfilling that desire. My sister always said I had to be the klutziest person on this planet. Granted, she was right on many occasions, but on an even greater level...I do trip over my own two feet almost every time I turn around. God gets me where He wants me, then I gain a little bit of confidence and try to take a couple of steps. Those first tentative steps may be wobbly, but they general get me moving in the right direction. Gain a tad bit more confidence, and BOOM....smack dab on my face because I stopped holding His hand.
I see some of where God is leading me and some of the things he's trying to change in me. I slowly take those steps with Him and head in the right direction. Then I either try to do it on my own and fail or I step backwards in either defiance, fear, or simply laziness.
Father, thank you for being patient just like a parent with a toddler learning to take those first wobbly steps. We don't give up and walk away when our children don't learn to walk the first time they let go of the furniture or of our hands and I'm thankful that God doesn't walk away from me either. He either helps me back up or he waits patiently while I try to pull myself back up.