I'm battling extreme lack of focus, agitation, and struggling with so many things right now. I can't begin to know what it is that God is getting ready to do, but it REALLY must be big. Some of our "storms" are beginning to settle, but the feeling of being tossed about is getting more evident by the minute. I just can't seem to sit still in "this" world anymore. Literally and figuratively. Just really waiting for God to reveal His plan and open doors to replace ones that are closing and open other doors that I don't even see yet.
Last night, Kevin finally helped me relax and "still" my thoughts. After he went to sleep, I started to write "this" blog but almost instantly fell asleep. It felt good to be getting peaceful rest, but I was back wide awake with that same agitation at 3:30 AM. I hope this all passes soon or God provides MAJOR peace, for I may go insane (or at the very least drive those around me insane!)
Last night's topic: God is ALL-KNOWING
Once again, this topic is taken from the "Crazy Love" as I am still working through the attributes of God. The first question posed is: intimidated? Is it intimidating to know that God knows EACH and EVERY thing about you. Basically, no stone unturned. Before reading "Crazy Love", I would have answered ABSOLUTELY! It is VERY intimidating to know that you can't hide ANYTHING.
(Taken from the book, but I've changed we/our to me/I to make it more personal.)
"I can fool everyone, except God. He knows me deeply, and specifically. He knows my thoughts before I think them, my actions before I commit them, whether I am lying down or sitting or walking around. He knows who I am and what I am about. I cannot escape Him, not even if I want to. When I grow weary of trying to be faithful to Him and want a break, it doesn't come as a surprise to God."
Normally intimidation would be the first feeling I would describe. Does it make you uneasy to know that every action, thought, feeling, etc... that you have is already in the mind of God? Even our very best friends or spouses may know us VERY well, but even they can't see completely everything about us. As much as I think I know about Kevin, I can't begin to scratch the surface of who he is or what he is thinking. It doesn't matter how purposeful we are about communication, trust, intimacy and growing together...I will NEVER fully know Him. But God does. God knows my thoughts even if I don't voice them. He knows today what mistakes I'm going to make tomorrow. He knows the secret hurts and fears I have. He knows the content of the next blog I will write, even though I've not formed it in my brain yet.
All of that USED to be intimidating to me. Now, it brings comfort. God KNOWS every last part of me, ALL of me. I can't hide anything. The amazing thing: HE STILL LOVES ME! God's All-Knowing attribute isn't meant to be intimidating. It's the ultimate gift of love and acceptance. How many times in my life did I search down the wrong path trying to find someone that LOVED me FOR ME? How many of us just want someone that loves us despite everyone of our faults. How many times have we searched for someone to unburden our "weight" on, but out of lack of trust we didn't? How many times have we trusted someone with our innermost thoughts and only had it come back to bite us? WAY too many times! Guess what, God already KNOWS it and he didn't run away and he didn't use any of it against us. He just continues to welcome us with open arms. That is NOT intimidation. That is FREEDOM!
David wrote in Psalms 139 about even in the darkness he couldn't hide from God. That even while he was still in his mother's womb, God was there. We can't hide from God either. Run all we want, He's still there. Disappoint, He's still there. Take a wrong path and don't know which way to go next, He's still there. He already knew we were going to turn the wrong way. Have a heartache you can't share with anyone else, something that may hurt so bad that you can't even form the words to describe to someone....He's still there and He is hurting with you because He knew when that hurt was going to take place. Not intimidating. Comforting! Struggling with issues of faith? He's still there. Mad at Him over not answering a prayer that way YOU expected. He's still there. He didn't abandon! He just knows what is waiting around the corner that we can't see around yet!
The book also challenged me to think of it this way. God, in all his glory, created every intricacy you can imagine. (Examples: a caterpillar has 228 distinctive muscles in it's HEAD; average elm tree has 6 million leaves; spiders produce 3 kinds of silk and can make 60 feet an hour). If the same God that paid that much attention to those small details and created billions of galaxies, what was he doing when he created each of us? He takes the time to know all the details about each of us. He CHOOSES to know us so well. That leaves me speechless!