For quite some time, God has really been tossing me & turning me in every direction. I've mentioned before that I feel like an almost empty tube of toothpaste. You know how you can almost always contort that tube into some odd shape and get out just enough for one more use? That's been me for a good while. I feel like God is pushing, twisting, squeezing, and smoothing me trying to "get out" just a little more.
I don't know where God is taking me and what is in His future for me/my husband/my family. I do know that He HAS to have something in mind. Otherwise, He would just leave me alone. I'll be honest and admit, I've asked, begged, and pleaded for Him to just leave me alone for a little while. Doesn't He get that I'm tired, physically & emotionally? Doesn't He get that my brain is on overload & that I don't do well with ANYTHING when I'm overwhelmed? Fortunately, He didn't give up when my flesh was crying for mercy, because HE can see the big picture that I can't.
After conceding to the fact that He isn't leaving me alone, I changed my attitude to "OK God, I'm listening...... but how about just give me one task at a time and let me work on that?" You know, that's all I really wanted in the first place. I wasn't being stubborn & resistant to bending for Him, it was just too much at once. So far that isn't working either. I feel like about the time I really HEAR Him speaking to me about something, before I'm able to put it into action or fully get "deep" into that task.....He's already throwing something else at me.
I tell Kevin I'm on overload all the time. Granted, just being in "this role" and "this season" of life and responsibilities IS overwhelming. Add to the daily outward chaos of raising 3 children the inward, emotional & spiritual areas that God is working on is HARD. It's hard because change is not easy, especially when it's things on the inside He is trying to change. It's also EXTREMELY hard when you tend to WAY over think things AND you are a "fixer" by nature. Add to that being EXTREMELY tender hearted and some days you can have a recipe for disaster! But that's OK.......I'm finally finding that it's OK to be right here in this chaos. It's OK to be on unsteady ground when you know that God is ultimately in control......the hard part is fully surrendering to that control! Maybe he needs me in this chaos so I will fix my eyes on Him and only Him.
I don't know where "we" are going together, but I'm trusting that it will be worth EVERY last squeeze, twist, bending on my "tube" that He asks me to do. Maybe I'll get there with Him even faster if I stop holding on so tightly to the "old" me and grasp Him even tighter. Maybe I should follow the suggestion of that bumper sticker I occasionally see...."If God is your co-pilot, maybe you should switch seats!" Maybe it's time to stop co-piloting and let God have full access to ALL of the controls! Buckle up & hang on tight! Just don't be surprised if you see me with TWO seat belts on......sometimes that may be what it takes!