The day started unexpectedly without my normal time in His word. No sitting down with my favorite cup with steaming hot tea (Cocoa Caramel Sea Salt happens to be my go to favorite right now) while spending time getting focused where my heart belongs FIRST. Just one of those days...
I know those days end up with me quickly coming unraveled. Unglued. Overwhelmed. Out of sorts.
That describes today.
It WAS a good day full of joy, but it was just overwhelmingly hard.
School was full of great moments (including our oldest completing her Geometry requirements), but it was also a struggle. Easy things seemed confusing. Things that should have happened quickly took WAY too long (as in HOURS too long!).
Five "littles" were in my care today. Though they all had really good days and we did LOTS of fun things together, I just struggled with keeping us all on track and balanced. When afternoon nap time rolled around it was one of those rare days that not a single one of them took a nap or slept for more than 10 minutes. Definitely not a "bad" day by any means because we absolutely had a full of fun day and joyful moments....
I was off.
My focus never got going from the beginning. Though I definitely intended to have that VITAL time alone with God this morning, situations just didn't allow for it.
I definitely let it show in my attitude and struggled to keep things together.
However, once again, God found his way to wiggle back into my heart and get my attention. Once again in an odd moment at just the right time.
When it was obvious that my older littles weren't going to easily go down for naps like normal, I spent time talking and soothing them and then sang several of their favorite songs. Some of the songs I sang most often to my children when they were small.
"He's Still Working On Me"....always has been one of my favorites. Since today it seemed that it was one of the songs that created the most calm (with the HOPES of them nodding off into dreamland!), I sang it over and over.....and over....and over again.
Standing in the pitch black darkness.
Hoping that it would soothe my sweethearts off to dream sweet dreams.
Though it didn't work for them, it did work on my own heart.
Though it wasn't an audible voice, the Holy Spirit most definitely was whispering to my heart.
"You know that I am, Tracye. Right?"
You see, I felt like a mess. Overwhelmed. Stressed. Full of doubts, fears, confusion, questions, and uncertainty. Life is changing in many ways. Some I don't feel ready for. Others I feel past due ready for. We feel the weight of so many questions, concerns, and have REAL fears and trust issues as we walk in faith and prepare for our calling. We are struggling with heavy issues that are forcing us to seek Him first. I'm tired. Bone weary tired physically from SLE and just from being in a busy season of life. Emotionally tired. Spiritually tired. (Most of you reading can identify with those feelings of being tired). My husband is running on fumes between being sick and working 70+ hours right now in a stressful situation (though thankful, so very thankful for his job!) and it is weighing heavy on him. Because of how close we are as a couple and because of how involved he is as a father, it trickles down to causing stress in our home because we don't get to be our "normal" selves. Multiple situations of spiritual warfare. The list goes on....
We are trying to seek Him deeper and grow. Trying to allow Him to shape us and move us in His direction. Some days we don't feel we are making the progress we feel necessary and we lose sight of the true picture because "it" isn't happening fast enough.
"He's still working on me."
Singing those words brought such a tender moment of connection back to THE SOURCE. THE WELL. Filled up a thirsty soul.
He IS at work. Even if I can't see the full fruits. Even if I don't see the doors opening or know which doors to open and which to close yet. True changes don't just happen instantly. Growth doesn't happen overnight.
He most definitely isn't giving up on me. He's still at work. I definitely don't give up on my own children when they don't learn something the first time (or the millionth time!).
It may be intended as a Children's song, but sometimes those are really just as powerful for us adults. Even the ones with more gray hairs today than yesterday. Lots more. :)
He's still working on me to make me what I ought to be.
It took Him just a week to make the moon and stars,
The sun and the earth and Jupiter and Mars.
How loving and patient He must be, He's still working on me.
1. There really ought to be a sign upon my heart,
Don't judge me yet, there's an unfinished part.
But I'll be perfect just according to His plan
Fashioned by the Master's loving hands.
2. In the mirror of His Word reflections that I see
Make me wonder why He never gave up on me.
He loves me as I am and helps me when I pray
Remember He's the Potter, I'm the clay.