Unless I'm very purposeful.
And THAT is completely necessary in the busy season of life (which with multiple children and responsibilities it seems that each new season is busy or overwhelming).
As I finished praying and then got dressed for the day, I was thrilled to realize that I STILL had a few minutes before I needed to start watching for my little one(s) that I provide childcare for to arrive AND my early riser apparently was going to bless me with a few more minutes of quiet time. I'm currently writing James and continuously reading Colossians over and over as I prepare for a family study we are going to begin. As I was reading I was enjoying the ability to let things soak in and LISTEN for what messages God had for my heart.
A few of the things I've been purposely praying for recently and continuously is for the Holy Spirit to completey fill all of me. Empty me out and fill me so full of Him that there is no other option except for Him then to pour out of every part of my being. I've been visualizing Him just oozing out of my pores or like the water that pours out of my plants a few minutes after I've watered them. I've been praying for wisdom and discernment. I've been pouring out my frustrations and hurt so that those don't turn into anger, bitterness, or unforgiveness because each of those weeds keep me from growing or giving those around me the chance to grow. Being honest and transparent, there has been so much going on lately that I've felt I've had to physically take captive each of those thoughts and negative emotions.
With all of that said, sometimes I can FEEL those prayers being answered. I can FEEL amazing things happening, walls breaking, the impossible feeling possible, etc...
Then there are days that I don't feel it.
I want things in my time.
I can't see Him at work.
I feel like the seeds I'm planting or that are being planted in me aren't growing. I'm not seeing the harvest.
This morning He nudged me outside. In that quiet stillness where I could LISTEN and HEAR Him.
My eyes saw this:
Now, I DO hate spiders. I don't like them in the very least. I had to look past that fact.
My eyes saw those webs EVERYwhere.
Yet, it was what my heart heard that mattered.
I was drawn to the intricacy of the webs. I couldn't help but think of the work it took to build each of those.
It's beauitful (yes, I just called a web beautiful). It's intricate. It looks delicate, but it's much stronger than it looks. MUCH stronger.
I didn't witness the spider doing its work, but it's visually apparent that it committed to its task and did the job. Even when no one was watching and no one could see.
I was reminded that there are probably just as many webs out there on days that the light and rain/fog don't combine to create the perfect lighting and circumstances to make them visible. I just can't see them on those other days. Unless, of course, I really look purposefully for them.
My heart got the message.
"Tracye, I'm at work. Some days, like these webs, you don't see me. Other days, you see me visibly and can see the intricacy of my work. I AM here. Some days the circumstances around you come together and are "just" right---and you can see MY work. Other days, there's a film over your eyes and you are blinded by the circumstances and impossibilities YOU see. You don't see me weaving the threads, growing the seed and preparing the way. Yet, I am here."
"Tracye, remember you are stronger than you look or even feel. I see the work of your hands that others don't see. I know some choose to not see on purpose and I know that others are too blinded by their own circumstances to see. I understand that aloneness and I even understand feelings of betrayal. Neither matter, because I see and you weave for me. Continue to do what I've called you to do. Even in the dark. Even when no one else sees. Because I see. I know what the end pattern looks like and I need you to just continue to weave the portion I've given you."
Now obviously there wasn't this booming, resounding voice audibly heard for miles around. But my heart heard it loud and clear.
He is there. He is actively at work. Even when I don't see it. I have to learn to accept in faith that even when my eyes don't see, faith claims. I also have to remember that I have to remain faithful and committed to the task at hand, even when I don't see the harvest. Even when I'm caught up in just seeing the weeds or unproductive seed. Even when I don't feel the work matters.
Even in the dark.
Even when others don't see.
Because some days the conditions will be right and I WILL see.