It never ceases to amaze me just how much a good Christian contemporary song can completely change the direction my day is heading. Today was one of those days I just couldn't handle all of "reality" and teetered on the edge of completely losing my sanity. You know those days...the ones that chocolate can't even touch! My frame of mind made me lose my focus MANY times and once again I found myself wanting to just throw in the towel and quit. My heart is SO heavy over so many issues and today was the day that I felt like I just couldn't hold it together any longer.
I'm stuck in the middle. It's like the joke that we've been laughing at as a family the past several days. I get picked on (in fun....not hurtful!) for what is left of my southern accent when I'm here in Illinois. However, I REALLY get picked on for LOSING my southern accent when I go home to middle TN. Trust me: I may sound southern to you C-U friends, but BOY oh BOY I'm nothing like a true southern girl anymore. OH my, you should have heard Bradlee cackling trying to figure out why everyone sounded so different. Granted, I do have phrases that are southern and if I get emotional about something LOTS more southern pops out. I'm stuck in the middle and not settled....to some I'm a southern gal and to others I've lost my southern roots. No one finds me "normal" or like them when it comes to that accent.
That is the best place to describe where I am in REAL life right now. Stuck in the middle. Growing in God, but not getting to the finish line fast enough but not about to backtrack. Stuck in the middle of my marriage. I see the potential that we have to be one of those relationships that people look at and dream of having, but not there yet. However, we are millions of miles from where we were and the growth we've experienced is amazing. Stuck in the middle of being the mom that I need to be, versus the mom I am ashamed that I've been at times. Stuck in the middle of SO many roles....looking ahead of what I know my potential is and looking back to see how far I've come. Then there are those heartbreaking situations that I literally AM stuck in the middle of. Those that I would give ANYTHING to not be experiencing or watching those I love experience. Watching my daughter go through some of the same things is hard as well. She's stuck in the middle of knowing who she wants to be, but being held back by those around her. Stuck in the middle is not a fun place to be.
I'm guilty of not having a patient personality. Granted some people DO believe I am very patient in action, but they don't see the turmoil I have inside of me for not moving fast enough. A sweet friend constantly reminds me that this journey is not about a sprint and that she believes that God has me exactly where he needs and wants me. I agree, but on the flip side I'm still in a hurry. It's always about being pressed for time. Time is fleeting and I'm not moving along quickly enough to satisfy my own perfectionist needs.
Back to the point of music changing everything. Today was a break down day and I told Kevin that I didn't think I could handle many more of these kinds of days. We had amazing time on our weekend trip, but we didn't "accomplish" as much as I had hoped during that time. Our time was absolutely priceless and I wouldn't trade it for the world, but I did hope that we would have had more time to make more decisions and have even deeper prayer and conversation time. A weekend was just not long enough when you've waited 13 years for it! Because I was up all night (thanks to a mega sunburn and too much on my mind), I never was able to keep my focus today on the tasks that I needed to accomplish and that made me feel even more out of sorts. I finally gave in and took a LONG nap and I did wake up with a much clearer head and less emotional, but I still didn't feel settled. A song changed everything.
Before I had gone to sleep, I tried to pray and ask for God to lift this unsettled feeling and near panic attack mentality that I was in. I couldn't stay focused long enough to even get the words formed, but I think He heard the cry of my heart. The first thing I heard when I got up and going was the song "Word of God Speak". And his WORD did speak to me through that song. It broke my walls and I found myself just feeling everything lift away. Situations aren't changed. Heartache isn't over. Problems aren't all solved. However, my HEART is changed and my walls are back down. Over and over, I've been telling Kevin that I just need to find a way to calm everything around me and just let God speak to me. That is incredibly hard to do when you are constantly surrounded by the chaos of three kids always in need of something. Silence in our house is golden! Thankfully the song reminded me that God is right here with me and when I can't even fully word a prayer, he knows my heart and knows each and every thought I have. When I'm craving the quiet and solitude that can only be found in Him, he is there. He can still speak peace to my heart and nudge me in the right direction. I'm just going to do everything in my power to make sure that I feed my soul with those positive things that keep me heading in the right direction. My time to just sit at HIS feet may be limited right now, but if my heart is completely open and seeking, I know that he can use those short times to REALLY make a difference.
So many things lately have truly left me at a loss for words and as the song says, that's OK. That is actually a good place to be because that is when I'm most likely to hear from God. Seeking to calm the world around me so I can just really rest in his holiness. THAT is the most comforting, blissful feeling in this world. Because beyond the noise, THAT is where I am going to hear from him. Oh how I want to have my eyes open to Him and for his grace to fall down like rain and completely soak me....just to be drenched in Him....what an image.
See the video above to listen to the song. (You will have to pause the music on the left to be able to hear it.) Or go directly to the link here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=trUI1wtIIFk&feature=player_embedded