It's almost been a month now that Kevin and I have been able to embrace mornings together. Those 18 or more years of him leaving in the dark and returning in the dark have temporarily been replaced with leaving in the daylight and now, particularly with the time change, coming home before dusk. Obviously that's incredibly good for a body that was living like a vampire with very little access to daylight. It wasn't until this morning that it hit me that he's sleeping better, snoring less and is less likely to get punched for kicking me all night. Ok, I don't really punch him, but I've threatened more than a few times. Some unexpected benefits that I'll gladly accept. :)
Instead of him leaving a zombie wife behind that would mumble a few mostly incoherent words at 4 am, we're enjoying a couple of hours of mostly uninterrupted time. Instead of sleeping in, we're choosing to get up before our crew and focusing on our relationship and our spiritual relationships, both together and individually. God is getting our best, instead of our leftovers. Some seasons He barely got a nod. Because of this, we're seeing it renew and transform us in countless ways. We've always been deeply bonded, but because of our spiritual intimacy that's growing, we're seeing it bringing a new awakening. A new thirst for Him and a renewed connection with each other. We're getting each other's best, instead of an empty tank with nothing left to give. Communication is easier and deeper, much less likely to be misunderstood or unheard. There's a joy in being kind to each other and recognizing and remembering how impactful little things are. There's just a greater awareness of each other's needs. Little time is wasted. Laughter is much more often. The hard days more bearable. We're back to being able to communicate with just a look, no words necessary and on the same wavelength of thought more and more.
Now, there's a point to all this. Now that you're most likely gagging at the sappy, sugary description of the joys our mornings have brought...
There's been a few off days he's had to go in early again to be able to conference call with Italy and the time difference or to cover someone's absence. Yesterday, I never made it out of bed because a lupus flare flattened me.
Those lost mornings left me feeling a bit empty, less productive, whiny, short tempered, easily irritated, not as emotionally engaging. Maybe not all at once, and at various different degrees, but there was a definite shift in my day and mindset. It even affected my self esteem and my "inner thoughts" because there's just something about taking the time to be fully dressed and "made up" and to walk out and see him off for the day instead of frumpy and grumpy.
This morning I sat down to spend some more time in Bible study. We do a few things together before he leaves, but I still do my deeper studies and engage in groups and check in with friends, social media, etc. throughout the day. As I sat down to journal through my #wordbeforeworld challenge, I began to think about how different I feel today versus yesterday. I'm not physically 100% by far, but we did enjoy a full morning together and I got up and about. My whole demeanor is better and though I know today's physically challenging, I'm mentally prepared. I was thinking how different my emotions are today versus yesterday.
And He nudged my heart. His voice of gentle conviction rolled over me.
His Spirit reminded me of that very vivid difference I'm feeling in comparison of my days, is what He feels when I give Him all of me or when I give Him my leftovers. All those noticeable positives I feel when Kevin and I are purposeful with our time, are the same positives when I give Him my best. He longs for my focused connected time with Him. Our intimacy grows. I'm more attuned to hear His voice. My eyes look for Him and my ears are perked in expectation. I walk with greater purpose and my heart is changed. Just as I feel more alive spending quality time with my husband, I am more radiant when I sit at His feet. When I linger, I glow.
"Those that look to Him are radiant..." Psalm 34:5
"When your words came, I ate them; they were my joy and my heart's delight, for I bear your name, O Lord God Almighty." Jeremiah 15:16
The emptiness I feel when I don't get quality time with Kevin and how I ache for that, my Saviour desires of me. He doesn't want a check mark of devotion. He wants my heart in worship and adoration. Wants me to just "be with" Him because I desire to BE THERE. With no one else or nowhere else. Sometimes the best moments of marriage are the precious memories you two share behind the scenes and how they are "just yours" (and they don't necessarily have to be good, some of our most cherished came in HARD times). There is a special contentment to just sit and share in those together. Just being together is a treasure. That is what He longs for with my heart as well. Don't you feel like a chosen gift when someone loves you for YOU and not just for what they can get from you?
His gentle reminder this morning draws me to linger. To just sit in His presence. To enjoy Him for who He is, not just for what He can do. It reminds me of how I feel when connected intricately with my husband is a treasure, how much more of a priceless gift is time with Him. To feel the vivid, stark difference is now imprinted in my heart.
Linger.
A bit longer.
Purposefully at His feet.
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