The strangest thing happened this morning. My phone started beeping incessantly, the tone indicating I had a messenger message. Lots of them. In abundance. I instantly grumbled wondering who had included me in an annoying group message that was getting constant replies. Or I was frustrated that I had forgotten to turn off notifications for a Facebook live with one of my book launch or Bible study groups.
But it was neither case. Technically speaking, I have no explanation, but it seems like a massive amount of conversations dating all the way back to early 2009 suddenly showed unread or no longer archived. It was as if I was receiving many of those old messages for the first time.
As I spent time clearing out the notifications, deleting, skimming, etc... I just got completely overwhelmed and emotional.
I obviously didn't have time to read them all, nor did I want to, but many caught my eye. It's so strange to get a glimpse rather quickly of the last almost full decade of life in words. I don't know about everyone else, but much of my messenger consists of deeper conversations, follow ups, or more details of things read or posted.
I saw lots of "ordinary" things like reminders for church activities, lots of VBS planning sessions, homeschool group or parent's morning out reminders and interactions. Here and there were "hey, send me that recipe or link". Even saw a few messages arranging schedules for gymnastics meets back when that seemed to be our whole life. Just the ordinary life things. Not really significant, but a reminder of the fullness of life in BUSY trenches of parenting and ministry.
But, it was some of the others that stopped me in my tracks and drew me in a bit deeper. SO much of the depth of life and its many hard seasons were shared behind those scenes. Walking through life with others in the messy places. Multiple divorces, prodigal children, death of spouses or children, miscarriages, devastating diagnosis of many, being notified of tragedies, lots of venting over hard seasons others were going through especially in parenting or spiritual struggles. Real life. Hard.
Some brought much joy. Multiple conversation threads were waiting for updates of birth of children that were greatly anticipated. Or waiting for dear ones to come through medical procedures or court cases in adoptions/ foster care. They were stressful at the time, but all ended in joyful reports.
I even came across several in very hard situations when very close loved ones or friends were in middle of extreme medical crisis. Intense. I even came across a few that were almost too hard to read, like during my dad's illness and death, my miscarriage, my own difficult seasons of many kinds that were devastating at the time and discussed while raw and with vulnerability. Lots of conversations and great uncertainty while navigating overseas deployments in volatile situations, even when some of those nearest to our soldiers didn't come back home. There were even some that I forced myself to delete permanently instead of reading and getting angry or dragging up things I worked hard to forgive. I wanted to read them, but I knew it would just hurt and serve no purpose. (I think that's a true sign of forgiveness, maturity or healing when you get to the point EVENTUALLY when you can say, "Nope, not going there!")
Though I'm honestly flabbergasted with what in the world caused all of those messages to return in bulk, a great big message reached my heart. Something my heart desperately needed. Maybe the technical aspect was a glitch, but the message spoken to my soul was clear.
Hang on.
Let me repeat that: Hang on.
Most importantly, hang on with faith and hope.
So much of what I skimmed and read was summed up in one word: intense. I was in crisis or I was walking with someone else through crisis. Or we were picking up pieces after a crisis. Banged up. Overwhelmed. Broken. Not seeing a way out. Incapable.
In the middle of the mess, in the moments of desperation it MOST DEFINITELY can seem like there's no way something is going to work out, get better, or hurt less. The emotions can be so raw, the anger so justified, the bitterness so thick, that it's suffocating. The scenario may be so unlikely to have a way out. The sting of rejection or loss so profound you don't know how you'll breathe again. The mind and body so overwhelmed, you don't know if you can make it another day or even another minute. The regrets so deep you may feel like you can never forgive the offender or even yourself. The physical or emotional pain may just feel like you'll never get relief.
Just hold on. Just keep clinging to faith, even if the thread is so thin and shriveled it looks as if it will tear beyond repair.
Just hold on.
Looking back in that flash of almost 10 years of hard things, I was reminded that I survived. Even the hardest, most intense obstacles and brokenness. Yes, I have loved ones no longer with me because of death. Yes, many of those hard situations I walked through with others resulted in divorce, ended relationships, their loss of loved ones that God chose to only heal heavenside, and many of their situations remain difficult, unresolved, or with life changing results. Many of mine, too. Yes, there's a constant pull of life being difficult in some capacity. Yes, there's been some real heartache and obstacles that didn't get wrapped up in neat and tidy bows. That might mean that like me you have a dear friend no longer in your daily life and you find it hard with that specific absence. That might mean you also have someone that you can't have in your daily life anymore because of dysfunction, abuse, or toxicity and IT HURTS. Maybe you've buried a child, parent, spouse, friend, etc... and the hole left behind still feels larger than life. Maybe you battle a health issue that affects day to day living or maybe even threatens your life (or someone near you is battling). Maybe no matter how hard you try the financial hits keep coming. Maybe you long for something specific that He hasn't provided. Maybe you've tried everything as a parent or spouse and the frustrations keep climbing because you're still fighting the same battle day after day. Maybe you're just TIRED.
Don't give up.
As of this moment, you've survived 100% of your hardest days. You've come through. You may be banged up and still wounded, but you came through.
The reminder of those hard things boosted my faith today. Yes, some stung to glance over because they didn't turn out according to my plans or wishes. Some I'd honestly forgotten until today's reminder and at the time they were HARD and reading brought a sudden rush of emotions.
Today, I remember with gratitude. Gratitude that He brought me or someone close through it. Gratitude for the lessons learned though some came painfully. Gratitude for seeing His hand now in a situation that I may not have seen or understood at the time. Gratitude for renewed hope and strength. Gratitude for those that walked together in the trenches through hard seasons, even though some may have only walked a season, but they were vital at the time.
Though today was full of hard reminders, it overflowed with joy filled ones as well. Even some of those hard times had joyous outcomes. Even in grief there are pockets of joy and laughter. Someone's small kindness in a hard season may mean so much to your wounded heart. Maybe someone's kind words or spiritual insight helped at the moment, but helped even greater down the road.
Life is messy, but so very beautiful. Working in the garden, I often get the not so gentle reminders that there are thorns, barbs, "stickers", etc... surrounding beautiful and bountiful things. Those painful things help make the beautiful grow and thrive.
Keep thriving. Keep clinging to hope.
Just hold on.
Hope remains.
You've got this. Whatever the "this" is that you're battling, scared of, recovering from, hiding from, or trying to claw your way through...
Hang on. Carry on, warrior, carry on!
No comments:
Post a Comment