Often times I write posts that leave me well on the vulnerable side, but I do it anyway. With shaking hands and a quivering heart.
This posts definitely ranks up there in terms of vulnerability and honesty.
In honor of authentic and reality....
I want to walk in faith. THAT is the way of those that are spiritual strong, right?
Truthfully, I'm stepping in doubt.
Deep in doubt.
I don't like it one little bit!
Here is the thing:
We feel like we've been called to foreign missions. Specifically orphan care.
See, did you catch those words?....it wasn't initially intentional, but I caught it as I typed it.
Not even bold enough in faith to say, "We ARE called. We ARE claiming our call."
Nope, I worded it with doubt.
Lack of faith.
Originally, in the neighborhood of 10-12 years old, I strongly felt the calling to work in orphan care. At that time, it was specifically in Honduras because of some missionary leaders that were influential on my life. I went through my teen years and early adulthood with that "bug".
Now, the call is the same, but the location is different.
Our hearts scream Africa. Our hearts whisper Africa.
We don't know why. We don't know where. We don't know when.
But, oh, the doubts....
Why me? Why us?
What do we have to offer?
We don't possess any special skills. We don't have any unique talents. We don't have any special degrees. We aren't ministers. We don't have any ministry training. We don't have any language training. (Well, unless you count the three years of high school Spanish that didn't even give me much help in teaching Adriana her first year of Spanish! Ha. That doesn't help!)
Yet, our hearts still whisper "Go".
All I have to offer is my EXTREME passion and love for children. Specifically for those that are abandoned and need TRUE love.
Faith says that is enough.
Doubts say: I'm crazy.
Financially we laugh. It's been a life-time of barely squeaking by. Yes, we are one tiny step away from being debt free. We don't own a home to sell. That could be seen as a positive or a negative. Having moved so many times in our marriage and facing the devastation of a home not selling when a job sends you 100s of miles away leaves scars. It financially scars and it definitely left some dings to our pride and spiritual health. It took a VERY long time to heal those wounds. We have chosen not to buy a home since living here because we were not sure that God had that in our plans right now. We don't have deep pocketed family members and friends. We don't have a long list of people to financially support. Gosh, we are very quickly approaching a child in college! Desiring to live across the globe would be financial suicide. Right?
Or maybe it's the door God has been waiting for us to open.
Isn't it crazy to consider something so huge, when we are not even seasoned travelers? Four of us don't even have passports!
What about our children?
Is this something that is right for them. Or would it be creating a life-time of scars? Of course, any of you that personally know our daughter and her heart, you know that it would be fulfilling a life-time dream for her!
What about their educations? The benefit of having home educated since the beginning is a definite pro here, but at the same time it's terrifying. "Here" we have accountability, opportunities, and more access than we ever dreamed to technology and support. "There"? I can't answer that.
What if, it's not really our calling. What if it's only a desire?
What if? What if? What if?
My list could truly fill pages.
What if by some miracle we found a way to go and then we hated it? Just being honest. What if, after all of the years of dreaming, it happened and then all of sudden the dream was crushed because of the realization it wasn't truly a calling?
What about personality wise?
Aside from my love and passion for writing what is on my heart, I'm a complete introvert! We aren't talking about stepping slightly out of our comfort zones. We are talking about taking the box, picking it up and destroying it beyond recognition. I can have a full-blown panic attack just at the thought of praying out loud or talking to a SMALL group.
God gave Moses his brother Aaron when he used that same excuse. I know that there is one situation that changes my introverted qualities. That is simply putting me in a room with children.
Faith says: God can provide.
Faith says: God equips those He calls.
Faith says: God can do far beyond what our minds can conceive.
Doubts say: not for us. Maybe He does for others. Just not us.
Doubts say: the timing is wrong. It's either too late or it's something FAR in the future.
Faith says: Everything is perfect in His timing.
I desire to walk in faith. Yet, the doubts are so much louder.
I want to find a way to bridge the doubts to faith. A bridge that steadies my feet. A bridge that allows my heart to only hear the voice of my heavenly father.
We don't have much to offer. Yet, we have abundant love and a willingness to serve.
We just need God to say: when, where, and how.
Yet, that's a very dangerous prayer to pray unless we truly are willing.
To be honest, maybe we've been holding back those prayers out of our own lack of faith. Our own doubts.