There is no doubt that I have absolutely LOVED our sermon series at church these last six weeks on Song of Songs/Marriage. With so many marriage crumbling, the relevancy is unparalleled. Though we wrapped up yesterday, I wish we had many more weeks of it!
Though our pastor made many valid, crucial points each week (some of which I've already written about and a few which I imagine will make their way in future posts), there is one specific one that I've not been able to shake. He talked about it some last week and I thought about it almost daily and then when he brought it up yesterday, I decided it was absolutely worth writing about.
We all come into marriage and immediately start making mistakes. We could ask many different couples who have been married for many years what they thought was their biggest mistakes and the answers would be vastly different. All of their answers are valid, but yet the list is so long that you can't wrap it up into just "one" mistake that everyone should avoid. Many are important. However, there is one that I admit I have been guilty of making over and over again.
Don't expect your spouse to meet EVERYONE of your needs! I have MANY times made the mistake of thinking that because ALL of my different needs weren't being met meant that Kevin didn't love me enough, I didn't love him enough, or our marriage wasn't meant to succeed. Fortunately, I have finally been released of that lie. When it FINALLY sank in and I began to release him from those expectations is when our marriage began to truly change and started it down the path to this amazing thing that it is now.
Yes, I absolutely want Kevin to treat me in certain ways. I do have expectations, desires, hopes and wishes of how our relationship should look. However, it is impossible for him to meet each and every one of those needs. After all, women are VERY complicated. About the time our husbands figure us out, we go and change on them!
The only person that can fill EVERY need is Christ. There is no way around it. When we are searching for something in life and being "needy", it isn't our husbands that fill us. Christ is the only one that can reach in and fill each and every part of hearts that is needing something. We have to release our spouses from that responsibility. We have to stop falling prey to the lie of Satan that says "he doesn't love me" because he doesn't fill this or that desire/need. It's destroying so many of our marriages. Truth is, no matter how amazing my marriage is becoming and how much greater I anticipate it getting day after day...Kevin will NEVER meet all of my needs. Even if he were home 24/7 and gave me 110% of his attention, it is impossible!
With that said, it is our job to do the best we can to fulfill our spouses needs and desires. JP gave an illustration two weeks in a row that I really loved.
Picture a cup. We are the cup. God fills us to capacity when we allow him. Our spouse doesn't fill it. I don't fill Kevin's cup. We have to be living our lives so that God has full access to our hearts and that we are in constant communion with Him. God is the ONLY way that our cup can be full.
Where do our spouses come in? They either cause the cup to overflow or they cause it to drain. I can either add to Kevin in such a way that his cup overflows or I can splash him out so that he is drained. He either causes my cup to overflow or he drains it.
The question is this: what do you do to your spouses cup? Obviously I want my husband to be in a constant mode that is making my cup overflow so much that no matter what is going on in my life, that the cup continues to overflow. What is most important is to think about how we are affecting our spouse.
As women our husbands can be such a blessing to use that we are constantly overflowing. They can also drain our cups spiritually by their treatment of us. We all have different things that drain us and fill us. Our husbands need to understand how to make sure that our cups are overflowing, but they can't read our minds! As wives, we need to be feeding our husbands desires. Do we do it in such a way that just barely keeps him on life support or do we do it in a way that is abundant and complete?
I love the question that was asked yesterday. It's one that I'm striving to think about often so that I keep my priorities in check. Am I a blessing to the heart of my husband or am I a drain to his soul? I admit, I don't always like the answer I would have to give. Taking it a step deeper, we can also ask that of many other relationships we are involved in on a daily basis. I'm choosing to resolve to make sure that my answer is blessing MUCH more often than a drain. I hope that at the end of almost every day that his cup is overflowing and that I've not done things to splash out and drain him. On those days that I've failed, I pray that God quickly redirects me and shows me ways to refill and overflow.