Friday, January 14, 2011

Today is THAT Day

Today was THAT day.  The day everyone, including myself, knew would come.  THE day that the weight of the world crashes in and you find yourself literally unable to breathe.  THE day that you dreaded, but also looked forward to because you were tired of keeping it all together.  THE day that the hurt, loss, emptiness, anger, frustration, and overwhelming grief just overtakes and left you in a pile on the floor unable to move or breathe.  Yes, THAT day is today. 

Today was the day that I wanted to scream at God and beg him for mercy.  Today was the day my heart was begging Him to STOP this insanity.  We try to believe that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but no matter how much we may believe it and FOCUS on that....there are days that we feel incapable of handling the things He is allowing us to go through.  Today is THAT day. 

I'm broken.  I'm uncertain how to move from THIS day.  Yes, it's all of the emotional turmoil from Dad's death.  Yes, it's the extreme brokenness I'm feeling for the woman that raised me and loved me as her own flesh and blood from the time I was just a tiny toddler and now she is physically alone.  Yes, it's the heartache I'm feeling for my youngest brother that was just on the edge of entering manhood and was starting to see the world in such a way that he NEEDED his Dad leading him and encouraging him.  Yes, it's the heartache for my older siblings that are fighting their own emotional battles with all of this.  Yes, it's for the hearts of my children that I'm broken.  

I'm out of focus and off-track.  We've finally journeyed back down the school path out of necessity.  We don't have time to just sit back and wait another few days, weeks, or a month.  However, we are struggling.  Though some things are thankfully coming easy and progress is happening by leaps and bounds, there are other things just staring us in the face and feels like mountains that we can't climb.  The SAME math lesson has been looking at us for days and it's not going anywhere.  I LOVE math and enjoy teaching it....especially now that we are in the complexities of algebra and not just "facts".  However, my brain is in such a fog that I can't seem to break it down into teachable steps and her heart and mind is still too heavy to focus and "accept" the knowledge. 

God has also given us some "assignments" so to speak that are stretching us and making us move out of our comfort zones.  However, right NOW is when we need our comfort zone.  WE need the "normal" and "safe".  Our timing is not matching up to HIS timing and it's pulling us while we are RAW. 

There isn't time to just STOP and grieve.  There isn't time to just focus on ONE thing and let the others fall apart.  I don't have that "luxury".  LIFE MUST go on.  My children still have needs (and those needs are even more evident as they take this journey themselves), there is still a home to keep running, a marriage to keep healthy, school for three kids on three different levels with VERY different needs, spiritual growth to still make sure is happening, and the list goes on indefinitely.  ALL I want to do is just scream STOP.  STOP and let me breathe.  STOP and let me feel what I need to feel at this moment. 

Today was THE day that I did crash.  As if dealing with Dad's illness and death weren't enough, we are still getting hit hard from other areas and we are breaking.  I am breaking.  Better yet, in honesty, I am BROKEN.

Now the journey begins.  The journey of taking the broken pieces and finding a way to put them back together.  Taking the image of the look on your four year old's face when he finds you in your hiding place having a breakdown and finding a way to restore his confidence that Mom is OK.  Finding a way to make sure that the increased stress level in the home doesn't break down the growing dynamics that you've been working so hard as a family to build.  Finding ways to connect as a couple when you can't even find time to breathe, much less have the real intimate conversation that your souls are needing. 

The journey also begins in finding solid ground again.  So many losses of different kinds JUST when you are growing in Christ MORE than ever is hard to handle.  Maintaining FULL faith and trust when everything around feels so unstable.......HARD.

The journey back to getting the pieces together is just that....a journey.  Some minutes I'm on the right trail and some minutes I think I need a park ranger to lead me back on the marked path.  Some minutes I'm driving along at the perfect speed and others I'm either getting honked at for driving slow in the fast lane or getting pulled over for speeding. 

For today, being THE day that I plan is to just keep breathing and truly looking at one minute at a time.  Doing my best to focus on one issue at a time.  Feeling what I need to feel.  Allowing myself to have those breakdowns.  Having the freedom to say THIS IS NOT fair.  Having the ability to say, THIS person is wrong in their actions.  THIS person has a problem and I am NOT it.  Freedom.  Freedom to feel what my heart is feeling.  Otherwise, the next stages can't happen.  In those next stages, the stages of where we find our solid ground again, where healing begins and strength is gained.....those are the stages where God's truth will begin to sink back in and find it's deep roots again.  TODAY is just not THAT day.  However, because of the depth of our faith and our love for God.....the stability WILL come again and the journey will have us heading in that direction.  TODAY, I'm just on a detour waiting to be rescued.  For someone that generally is the rescuer, being the one needing the rescue is an uncomfortable place to be.  Because it's uncomfortable, I know that I won't be in this place too long. 

For today, I'm embracing THIS day and letting my heart feel what it feels..........the good and the bad.  The rational and the irrational. The raw.  No need to sugarcoat or be strong for image sake.  Today is THE day that I am allowing myself to be here. 

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