Oh boy...kids and their messes. Some mornings, specifically this morning, you are slammed with another mess to clean up before your brain is even awake. Some days you turn around and KNOW you cleaned a certain area not five minutes before but there isn't any evidence of the effort. Some of us may have one of more "messies" living in residence. Some of us may have a Mr. or Mrs. Destruct-o living in our midst.
Kids....just bring about messes. For the most part, they truly don't intend to cause trouble. They just happen to be impulsive, curious, selfish, distractable, clumsy, stubborn....and the list could continue. They don't really intend to cause you more trouble, frustrate you, or leave you with a huge mess to clean up. They don't mean to break things that can't be repaired or replaced. They don't wake up intending to stress you out, frustrate you, or leave you with gray hair or even no hair (once you've pulled it out MANY times!).
It was in one of "THOSE" moments this morning that I realized that kids aren't the only ones in that predicament. While I was fully involved in cleaning up a mess before my brain was even alert enough to register many thoughts, God let me see that I'm the same way. I bombard him with the same issues. I'm impulsive, stubborn, distractable, etc.... I act in my own selfishness, pride, and desires and leave him with many messes to clean up. He is constantly at work having to shape me, get my attention, or redirect my wrong efforts. He is constantly having to pick up the pieces and restore what is broken. He is constantly having to knock down walls and rebuild others. He is constantly at work with me....just like a parent that truly loves his/her children. He knows I'm frustrated, terrified, emotionally wrung-out, and physically hanging on by a thread. He knows that at times (even constantly!) I'm going to head the wrong direction or with the wrong attitude. He knows that right now, that even in my extreme brokenness...I'm still looking for Him. To Him, that is ALL that matters. Just like our children need to know that we love them despite all the trouble they get into or messes that we make, it's amazing to know that God loves me despite all of my messes. Better yet, He finds pleasure in picking me up and carrying me when I don't have a clue how to move ahead.
This morning as I scrambled to clean up a mess, I was reminded of something else important. In our house, our little green machine spot cleaning carpet machine is probably the most used tool (three kids two of which are boys and a dog....enough said!). However, this morning it was missing a required piece. No matter how I attempted to make it work, without that piece it was useless. I tried to "make" something else to replace the missing piece, but no amount of effort was going to fix it. We searched. I begged and pleaded for the kids to find it. In frustration, I about lost my cool. I'm finding myself in that position so often these days. Fortunately, the needed piece was found. It wasn't where it should have been, but it was where someone had put it.
It made me think of all the "pieces" that I need to keep myself on track. No matter how I'm trying....I'm just "not" fully working at my capacity right now. As a "tool" so to speak, I'm not being effective. I'm missing some piece that is keeping me from being and working the way God intends for me to be. Today, that revelation is that in the struggles going on, I'm missing that quiet, one-on-one time with HIM. Prayers have been wrapped up in the moment and desperate pleas for help. Necessary. Reality. What is missing is that "growing" and digging deep that had been taking place over the last months. It's been replaced by just trying to survive and keep my head above water. I've not turned my back on God and I've not put up walls between us, but the focus has shifted so drastically that it's as if they only time I'm getting with him is in "panic" mode or at hyper-speed. I can't clear my heart and brain from everything that is going on, to find Him in that deep part of me that he was changing so drastically. I miss it. I need it. I just don't know how to find it. I feel so deeply and my heart is so huge, that I just can't compartmentalize the current pain and fear to let him reach the other areas. It's a struggle, but I know that He will find a way to wedge himself back into those deep places. I don't give up on my kids and I love them unconditionally. They don't earn my love and they don't lose my love when they make different choices than I want them to make. God is the same way. He already knows my exact struggles, he knows exactly what is going on and he can read my heart even when I can't express the words. Fortunately, he has every tool to clean up every mess I could ever make or clean up every mess that people around me make. He is relentless in his love and grace. Thankful. Fortunate. Blessed. Otherwise, this crazy insanity would be pointless!