But I'm Here

If you know me, you know that I am passionate about words.  I read far more than the average person and I'm a WORD freak. I literally surround myself with words.  My walls are covered in them, I'm seldom without a bracelet or necklace with something my heart needs to hear, I'm a "writer"in all I do, and I permanently have a book attached.  I may not SPEAK often, even to a fault some think.  I'm a deep feeler and introvert to the extreme, especially the older I get. It doesn't mean I'm a snob or don't crave connection, I just process it and express it differently. 

OFTEN that means I turn to writing.  Whether in old school letter form (SELDOM EVER short), social media posts, or this little spot in blog world. It's how I process, think, and connect.  I don't write for an audience.  I'm just me, writing for me.  My quirks and all. I share life and experiences through words.  When life is hard or beautiful, words are my outlet. My gift and a curse some say.  That's ok.  It's who I am.  And I'm just writing because He's put it on my heart to do so and because there might be just that ONE needing a heart whisper of hope. And for me, until I write what's in my heart, I get crippled from accomplishing anything else on my list for the day.  The pull to sit down and write just distracts and begs attention until it's done. 

Yesterday, we celebrated our 23 anniversary.  It was a VERY special day for us, especially in regards to the fact it had GREAT meaning to our hearts and we were able to do some things we don't normally have a chance to do. We were able to dress up and go to brunch at a restaurant that isn't in our typical price range thanks to a gift certificate I'd literally been holding on to for the "perfect" Sunday morning for over 2 years.  The weather was amazing and I didn't feel held back by lupus and it's been a HARD year in that category, so we were able to spend LOTS of time walking through parks and downtown. It gave us a change to really talk and relax, let so much weight go. We then were able to end our special day at a Danny Gokey concert that was more than "just" entertainment.  It was worship.  We encountered hope.  Well, maybe that's why they call this tour "The Hope Encounter".  

At some point in the day, I felt a shift in my heart. You see, just like ALL of us, I carry wounds. Wounds that shaped me and that were hard to heal from. An ongoing process. Words said by others that HAUNTED and I allowed to define me.  People that left my life by choice that should have loved me the most.  People that left my life far too soon either by death or circumstances out of our control. People that should be in my life today, but are too busy caught up in theirs to see what they are missing. We all have those, right? Just these last few weeks EVERY single day someone in our lives has lost a loved one.  A child far too soon, grandparents, several fathers, multiple miscarriages, and a husband.  Heartache has been all around. Behind the scenes we've had some really significant stressful situations taking place within our on hearts/faith/marriage, the calendar rolling around of the reminder of our miscarriage and how that still hurts and this year perhaps more than ever and we walked it alone, our children going through some hard things in their lives and faith, the transition of  our oldest moving on her own, medical and relational issues of many near and dear. Hard and busy seasons at work.  You know, REAL LIFE.  Not the dressed up version that we all try to show the world.  The real stuff. But that shift, started small and began to grow.  A shift that brought new strength and hope. 

Through out the day, just that getting to REALLY talk and share life together with my husband, without interruption and in real honesty, my heart began to open again.  It feels like I've been holding my breath for awhile. Breathing "just" enough. It's been a hard season: many transitions, LOTS of pruning and releasing. It's like I forgot how to REALLY just breathe and feel.  Granted, everyone thinks I'm a sappy mess, very free with sharing my emotions (in writing), but really, I've been holding back.:)  I've felt shackled, weighed down and easily thrown off balance. I've had many days of anxiety and depression creeping back in. And I write because I know someone else feels that way.  

I've often talked about life in my 40s and how I've grown into my own skin. I've loved that freedom and how it has given me new life.  I've been far less wrapped up in people pleasing, perfectionism, and trying to measure up to impossible standards (usually ones I placed on myself even from the youngest age).  I've learned to walk in grace and I've learned to look in the mirror more and more and see who God sees.  It's not been an easy change, but it's been a season that has allowed me to heal in countless places. 

But, there are days, just like yesterday, where if I'm not careful those old habits can sneak in and try to grab hold.  Just waiting to derail.  Just waiting to drag me back down into a pit that I've fought my way out of many, many times. Satan just wanting to take a small bit of wiggle room and cause it to erupt and spiral out of proportion. 

I was mentioning yesterday how my feelings were hurt that certain individuals had not wished us well or how when we are going through hard seasons, we don't receive the same level of help or encouragement we give to others.  This is not meant or directed to anyone specific AT ALL, I was just sharing MY heart then (and now). As a couple, we at times struggle with not feeling as if we matter as much to others as others do to us. We have spent MUCH of our marriage, fighting alone deep in the trenches. Others are celebrated freely and openly and we are often on the outskirts.  Sometimes during holidays, special events, hard seasons, those days really illuminate some of that wounding. We both get hurt to experience it, but I'm just more likely to express it. Sometimes it concerns our marriage relationship, sometimes it's our personal relationships, and sometimes it's our kids being overlooked. 

 And that's when he said it ....and HE said it. 

"But I'm here."

My husband said it.  And I felt the Holy Spirit deeply imprint those same words in the deepest places of my soul. 

My husband was reminding us of the incredible gift of having a soul mate that is willing to go to the deepest places and the highest mountains and everywhere in between. Someone that will go there with you and for you. We spent much of our day recommitting to each other that we are in it for the full journey.  Whether life is easy and we are walking with countless others beside us or if we are just walking seemingly alone. We recommitted our hearts to following Him, both separately and together.  That's what anniversaries are to us.  A time to grow forward. A time to reflect, but to go much deeper.  

But those words imprinted on my heart from the Holy Spirit as well. "But I'm here." And you know what, that's enough.  MORE than enough.  In Him we have all we need.  In Him we have exceedingly more.  Sometimes I get my eyes off of that.  I think we all do. What matters is what we do then.  We can't always control how we feel.  Our wounds and emotions are raw and real, we can't stomp them down and keep them from ever showing up. Even ones that aren't rational and are only half truths. We can feel something that isn't really true. Or our emotions can be a true reflection of our circumstances, but we have to be purposeful in reaching for the strength He provides. His comfort and His promises. The enemy can whisper to us "you don't matter" (which is a big lie and one that I was expressing yesterday) and we can let that whisper turn into a voice that screams louder than truth if we aren't careful. 

But those negative voices have to be stopped. Sometimes we have to tell ourselves we aren't going to that rabbit hole and instead carve a path towards wholeness and hope. Sometimes we have to tell Satan to return to the pit of hell where he belongs because our God has given us the victory. We can wallow or we can have victory.  

I was reminded that in places I had victory, I had begun to wallow again.  I'd been allowing other situations to cause me to worry instead of worship. I was becoming bitter instead of  better. 

Danny spoke/sang DIRECTLY to my heart last night and made that small shift quake open my heart. Songs I'd heard time and time again felt fresh and new. ("Stronger Than We Think" and "Tell Your Heart to Beat Again" have such powerful lyrics.  Look them up if you don't know them!  They will speak such healing and provide such strength if you're battle weary today.)  

The best part is I came home feeling 100 pounds lighter.  (Too bad it didn't actually affect the scale!!! THAT would have been miraculously amazing!).  Some of those shifts starting yesterday were confirmed in multiple places this morning to see that Kev and I are on the same page with some heart issues and have a refocused direction. So many God whispers and winks today. 

Hope renewed. 

A Hope Encounter.

If you're one of the very few still reading at this point and your heart is hurting, if you're going through a hard season, forgetting to breath, feel alone/unseen/overlooked/unloved, or have wounds that just keep breaking open, can I tell you this.  Can I whisper something gentle to your heart?

"But I'm here." He is there.  Always.  Even when your emotions say differently, He is. Even when others hurt you or make you feel insignificant, don't give up.  Keep moving forward with your eyes focused on Him.  Remember that.  We all need to feel that we matter.  My heart hurts for you if you are feeling anything less than.  I get it. But in those hardest moments, don't lose hope.  Don't let the enemy cause you to wallow. Look towards heaven.  Give Him the pieces.  All the pieces.  All the anger, bitterness, frustrations, and brokenness.  Let Him create beauty from ashes.  Let your heart beat again. No matter who overlooks you or the wounds you carry, He is FOR you.  He sees.  He knows. You're never alone is you think you are. Ever. 

 

You're shattered
Like you've never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you're never gonna get back
To the you that used to be

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again

Beginning
Just let that word wash over you
It's alright now
Love's healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun
Cause your story's far from over
And your journey's just begun