The house is quiet.
It's a GLORIOUS, yet EERIE sound.
I embrace it with such need and yet it feels so empty.
I keep turning around to see where a little one is, watching the clock to see if it might be time to feed one, or countless other things on the list. Parents know that when a child is quiet, it probably means that you are about to discover trouble or a big mess! Silence is typically pretty dangerous in a house with little ones!
The house SHOULD be quiet because I'm enjoying some time alone (unless you count our dog Baxter who happens to be snoring on the bed beside me) while Kevin and the kids are out trying to make a dent in a far overdue Christmas shopping list. He is armed with a highly detailed list---if you know me well, you know it's VERY detailed. :) Though I know the house is empty, I'm still in mom & caregiver mode. There isn't really any downtime during the day and I'm constantly bouncing between the needs of so many that it's VERY hard to turn that switch off. It's like stepping onto the edge of a treadmill to catch your breath, but the belt is still running waiting for you to jump back on.
I crave the quiet & solitude, but the solitude is almost unnerving at the same time.
I have been struggling lately not just in physical aspects, but in heart and spiritual issues.
I've been craving God and seeking Him, but even in the quiet, it's been hard to truly listen. It's as if my ears are ringing from the noise level of the day or my brain is in hyper speed and can't slow down. He's been HERE with me and within reach, but it's been difficult to stay still long enough to wait for answers. Some seasons of life are like that. I HAVE to be purposeful or I quickly fall apart from not having enough time in His presence.
Yesterday, I wrote some about the struggle with this Christmas season. The difficulty I've had finding the true Christmas spirit that I crave so much. It is a hard time due to the phases of grief, but it IS much more than that. I crave the simple. I crave the peace.
Simple and peace.
Those are two things that are so difficult to find in such a busy and stressful time of year.
Tonight I found a piece of what was missing. I found a little glimpse of what my heart has been needing.
Kevin and I are total opposites when it comes to music and showers. He BLASTS music. I LOVE music and have it on the majority of the time, EXCEPT when I'm in the shower. I enjoy just listening to the sound of the water. It's calming to me.
Tonight, the quiet in the house just somewhat had me unnerved. The wind is brutal tonight and the sounds were just so LOUD. So I turned on the radio when I hit the shower...
And God reached in grabbed my heart and did some work.
He calmed some of the anxiousness.
He gave me a bit of that simple I was needing.
He gave me a few minutes to erase the stress that comes with Christmas and the last minute rush.
He gave me some time to let the waves of grief come and not be fought away.
He gave me a closer connection to Him.
All from a song...
A song I've heard countless times and sang many, many times.
"O, Come All Ye Faithful".....
Right there....in the middle of the shower....He invited my heart to "come". To drop everything else. To shut out the world. To do nothing but come to Him. Adore Him. It was as if He was asking me if I was coming to Him and adoring Him or if I was caught up in things of trivial nature.
Something about the words completely reaching in and holding me. Not just words flowing from my mouth out of habit or memorization. Words truly reaching in. Pulling me to Him.
Exactly where I needed to be.
To find Him.
The true Christmas spirit is found right in the simple place of a manger. By adoring Him. By worshipping Him. It isn't whether or not I find excitement in shopping for just the right gift. It isn't about the adrenaline rush of finding the "right" gift/finding a bargain on a desired item or the disappointment and frustration of not finding the right one (which this year has been GREATLY about the frustration of not finding the right items because stuff just "fit" our lives the same anymore!). It isn't about whether this or that excites me or disappoinst me that determines whether I'm in the Christmas spirit this year or not.
My focus has been misguided when it comes to whether or not the "spirit" of the season has reached my heart.
The only part that truly matters HAS.
If I'm embracing Him, seeking Him as the wisemen did....
Nothing else really matters.
That is where the simple and the peace is found.
He invites us to just "come to Him".
When you stop to truly soak in the words of "O Come all Ye Faithful"...the words are beyond beautiful. They are truly an invitation that invites you to Him. To a place that brings peace to a weary soul. A place I'm thankful to have found tonight.