Where have you been? I've had a couple of people want to know why I fell off the edge of blogging world. The better question to ask would be, where did the time go? I've sat down to write many times, but it just hasn't happened. Thoughts haven't made it to the keyboard. Demands of life have been too many and time too short. I've stuck fairly closely to our "technology curfew" and have shut the computer off at night (which is when I normally did most of my blogging!). Tonight I'm cheating.....but no matter what I try sleep isn't coming otherwise!
Unsettled. I think that is the perfect word to describe me these days. I'm not unhappy. I'm not depressed. I'm getting more than normal done at home (most days!). I've accomplished several tasks that I thought virtually impossible. I've even given up my gallon of soda a day habit (LITERALLY!....but I'll save that story for another post!) Yet, I'm unsettled.
Yes, I know it's greatly part of the journey of grief. I also realize that some of the situations we are facing is causing great turmoil, scars, and is emotionally draining. That creates a feeling of being unsettled. Yet, it's more than that.
I'm hungry. I'm thirsty. Yet, not in the traditional sense of the words. I'm hungry and thirsty for the fire and passion that was building in me. I was ready to explode and yet I've crashed. Don't get me wrong: I've not walked away from God in the least. It's just that the hunger and thirst isn't getting satisfied. I have this dissatisfaction with so much that I'm doing. It isn't enough. God has more for me, but yet I don't know what it is. He has a very specific plan for what He wants out of me and how he wants to use me, but I just can't find the clarity to find what that THING is. He has a direction for our family, a calling for us, but I can't calm the "noise" to hear what it is.
We have already been struggling with this issue so greatly, but this week at church it REALLY brought it into focus much more. We have started a series called "Cannonball" and it's about jumping in with both feet. We are ready to jump, but yet we don't know what that "jump" is. We are truly seeking God about what our act of faith is, our purpose, but yet we've not been given the answer. We're frustrated. Specifically, I'm frustrated.
For many years, we thought that our "cannonball" was adoption. My arms ache for another child and my heart is big enough to love another child....specifically an orphan. We talked about that path even before marriage. So many of our friends have followed God's leading and have taken that leap of faith. Their lives are being blessed by their obedience. My heart wants to take that leap. My arms ache for that leap. Financially it seems impossible, but God has provided for so many others, surely He would make the provision for us. However, it's not meant to be. Medically I'm excluded. That can't be changed or worked around.
Still seeking. Still waiting. Still searching for answers. What is it that God wants US to do? Where are we to be His hands and feet? What specific calling has he given us? Before I was born, what plan did He already have in place for ME? Big questions. Something we've been asking for quite a long time. We are ready for the answer. We will continue to wait, but while I wait I admit...I'm unsettled.
Just tonight I read a reminder that being emotional and unsettled is not a bad thing. I've been trying to push that unsettled feeling away and have fought with it daily over the last several weeks most especially. Tonight I was reminded that maybe I need to stop fighting that feeling and just embrace it.
Even Jesus was described as emotionally distressed (unsettled). He was "deeply troubled" and "distressed" (Mark 14, John 12, John 13). As what I read tonight said, if Jesus felt those emotions so deeply than surely it's unrealistic for me to think that I should be able to sail through life without feeling that negativity as well. As the author pointed out, it's what I choose to do with the emotions that matter. "The problem isn't my emotions, it's my reaction to them! The trouble comes when I give them free reign in my heart and mind. That's when I become unstable. That's when I lose sight of God. That's when I say or do things I regret."
Oh boy---that describes me the last few weeks. Unstable. Hard to keep myself connected to God. Saying and doing things I regret. Yes, that's me. Yes, that's the spot I've found myself in. I've allowed my unsettled, distressed feelings do JUST what Satan wants them to do. He is all about creating division between myself and God, between myself and others, and just within myself. My emotions, though very valid and real, even justified...have taken root and overtaken. Instead of focusing on the peace that can transcend all understanding, I've focused on the emotions of the moment. I've forgotten to tap into the incredible strength that can come when I'm anxious, despite my volatile emotions. I've lost sight of allowing His spirit to flow through me by letting my emotions rule me.
Perhaps, being unsettled is where I need to be. I need to be unsettled to be reminded of the source of peace. I need to be unsettled to reminded of how weak I am and how strong He is. I need to be unsettled while searching for purpose and my "cannonball" so that I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that I am on the right track when the peace comes with the answer. I need to be unsettled to be reminded of how much I need to be connected to other people and how being accountable to someone else keeps us all on the right path. I need to be unsettled to make sure that I'm operating in His spirit and NOT my flesh. Perhaps, being unsettled is not a bad place to be in for now.