In Pursuit

Regardless how I feel about an outgoing year and a new one coming, whether the outgoing one has been a season of joy or one of difficulty,  something that I take seriously is the choosing of my yearly word focus. That simple word is far from simple. I prayerfully and thoughtfully consider it for weeks or even months. Last year was "abide" and it was the perfect fit for the direction I wanted my heart to go. Sometimes the word comes quickly and definitively and others I have had to really wrestle with it.

This year was a wrestling year, but at almost the last moment He clearly put it in my heart.

For the last two months, "radiate" was the word that came to heart time and time again. Actually, quite obsessively in ways. I want to live such a life that I radiate Him in all I do. Certainly THAT was going to be THE word to steer my heart this year. It kept standing out and showing up.  It seemed perfect and expressed my direction well, but there was just a little something that just held me back from claiming it.

Earlier today, I was praying again for direction, just in general about the upcoming year. Not specifically for "my" word, but about some things on my heart.  A new year makes me excited and anxious at the same time. We're in a season of constant change and that's sometimes a bit difficult to navigate. 2017 was incredible in many ways and extremely difficult in others. I have mixed feelings about letting it go and embracing the next.

But in those quiet moments, a word was put so deep in my spirit, unexpectedly. I instantly knew it was right and from Him.

PURSUE

Hello, #my2018oneword , nice to finally meet you!

Because of how certain and unexpected that hit my spirit, and my knowing it was directly from the Holy Spirit, I spent some time doing a word study in various commentaries, dictionaries, and study apps. If PURSUE is such a message intentionally spoken to my heart, I immediately wondered exactly why He was sending me that message.

To pursue: seek, follow, to go after in a like fashion, proceed without following another, to continue, to imitate, to strive to reach or gain

A focus to pursue Him: relentlessly, whole heartedly, unabashedly, and without reserve.

I'm certain that is a beautiful focus for 2018.

HE pursued me. He constantly draws me back to Him when I get off track. His pursuit of me was with such uncompromising and unconditional love that He willingly died for me.  I was recently reminded in a study of how He CHOSE to make that sacrifice. No one took His life, He willingly gave it.

Knowing that changes everything.

PURSUE Him
Reminded of these verses:

•  Ask, Seek, Knock (Luke 11:9-10)--- active and relentlessly, persistence 
• He detests the way of wicked, but loves those who pursue righteousness (Proverbs 15:9)
• Follow the way of love and pursue spiritual gifts (1 Corinthians 14:1)
• Pursue love, faith, righteousness, gentleness, godliness, peace  (1 Timothy 6:11, 2 Timothy 2:22)
• You'll find Me when you seek me with your whole heart (Jeremiah 29:13)
• Seek FIRST His kingdom (Matthew 6:33)

Pursue. 

Him first. 

Nothing else matters. 

Though my word has obvious deep spiritual meaning/ impact and I look forward to more time digging into Scripture, walking in faith, and earnestly seeking Him...

I also want to pursue in 2018:

• My dreams again: those I've put aside while raising our kids, the ones I've failed or quit, the ones I didn't have enough faith for, the ones others snuffed out, and even ones I've yet to discover
• My health: feeling stronger, healthier, and back on track as a priority; controlling my lupus symptoms more than they control me,  balancing hormones, managing stress
• My ministry with more focus: I've been reminded of the value of happy mail and encouraging the overlooked and broken hearted, Satan had been lying to me and making me think it wasn't beneficial
• My relationships: focusing on my roles, priorities, getting out of my box and stepping outside my deep rooted comfort zones at times, pursuing community, spending more one on one time making others feel valued
• My goals: getting back to what matters most in our home, our homeschool, and our family
• My husband: keeping things fresh, special, laughter filled and connected even after these 22 years of marriage, it's incredible to be pursued but also such value in doing the pursuing, pursuing our lives together in new seasons
• Joy 
• Contentment
• Authenticity & Vulnerability
• Gratitude
• Discernment
• Wisdom
• Being present fully in the moment
• Word before World, in all aspects

I may have started the day with ambivalence, a bit of restrained hope, and a bit of trepidation as I thought of the coming year...

But now...

It's with a true excitement to see what it brings. No need to have one foot in the past and one in the future. I just need to be present right where my feet currently are, walking in pursuit of Him.

After all, these last couple of months have reignited a belief in miracles and deepened the role of prayer and the strength of His Spirit. With that knowledge, 2018, you're welcome here. 

In pursuit of Him,

Tracye. 

Make GRATITUDE Home in Your Heart

Today the calendar rolled around to a very special day for us. Today marked exactly one year of being HOME in the little green fixer upper house at the edge of the cul-de-sac. About an hour ago this time last year, we unlocked the door with OUR keys and 90 minutes later started painting bedrooms and ripping out bathrooms! It was completely cheesy, but we had a fun meal and made a birthday cake to celebrate the day.

One year of countless big and little DIY projects to renovate a neglected 70s diamond in the rough. We're far from finished, but it shines so bright to us. We lived here in IL a decade before God gave us the clear message of "now" instead of "wait" on buying a home.  This year has given us roots, joy, ownership, renewed faith and satisfaction. REDEEMED is boldly and ENORMOUSLY displayed to be the first thing you see when walking in, because that's the theme of our lives and our home.

Life is lived here.
Love is lived here.
Grace is lived out here.
Mistakes are made here.
Forgiveness is offered here.
Joy overflows here.
HE lives here.

But, one other great thing lives here more than ever.

Gratitude.

In our home and in our hearts above all else...

Not just one day. But an attitude from deep within.

This year is rapidly coming to a close on the calendar as well and today as I reflect about HOME in the little green house, I began to think of so many great things He's done in our lives this year.

Not a full list, but some of the astounding, most precious things:

• turning house into home
• neighbors we love and that give us a true sense of community, from various walks of life
• a new grandson that has a smile that lights up a room
• our youngest giving his life to Christ and making a public declaration through baptism 
• a daughter about to begin her last semester of college with honors and paramedic licensing that is excelling while working multiple jobs and serving constantly
• a son that has matured in countless ways this year and uses his multiple talents to serve at church
• a marriage of 22 years that has reached the place of being a rare treasure and brings so much daily joy as we live out "stronger together, anchored in Christ"
• Though it looked different than expected or initially how we wanted, some changes at work have greatly reduced the heavy stress on my husband. Still difficult, but much more manageable
• seeing both of Kevin's sons and their families IN PERSON, a true rarity and special gift this year since they live on opposite ends of the map
• bringing my younger brother back multiple times from the brink of death and through two unexpected heart surgeries and providing their needs time and time again
• though we could never share details publicly, a dear loved one protected in some very volatile, dangerous situations thousands of miles away
• HEALING of some deep wounds and some needed broken chains
• RENEWAL of the belief of power in prayer
• some amazing, priceless opportunities on multiple book launch teams that strengthened my faith in deep ways
• news of a family member soon to be home together long term with his family after many, many months apart multiple times
• multiple situations where God protected, healed or provided in dear ones' lives
• a priceless gift of time in person after many years apart with my dearest mentor
• multiple renewed relationships or development of new ones through Bible study groups

That list may be some of the big things, but there are countless others both big and small. This year was hard in so many ways and some days of doubt hung on with a death grip. Even with all the goodness of this year, we are still in the midst of some changes and uncertainties that can only be managed through Him.

However, one thing is for certain...

Gratitude lives here. 

Hope outshines every darkness. 

He's trustworthy and sovereign. 

Nothing else matters. 

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words "They" Say

They say a picture is worth a thousand words...

Though I definitely agree that a picture can speak volumes, I sometimes think the greatest stories are in the words untold.  The behind the scenes.  The rest of the story.

We've recently been talking in different Bible study groups, online book discussions, and in ministry/relationships about the affect of seeing everyone else's "perfect" life on social media. How it traps us in the comparison game and we walk away often feeling less than.  We try to caution others, especially us women, to be careful not to compare our behind the scenes with someone's highlight reels.  Scrolling through someone's newsfeed doesn't give the FULL picture.  Though a picture may show they have it all together, we don't see what's outside the frame.  We don't see the rest of the story.

This morning I opened up my newsfeed and, as it often happens, the first thing that I saw was something that facebook chose as a memory to remind me of. It typically randomly chooses one photo from this day of things I've posted over the last 10 years or so.  I'm not sure what parameters and algorithms it uses to decide on the "one", but today's stopped me and just caused me such pause.

It goes right along with the conversation that's come up time and time again recently. The rest of the story is perhaps the greatest story.

When it was posted 7 years ago on Facebook, it comes across as just a cute, cherished family picture at Kevin's annual family reunion.  Our happy little family. All of us together and "almost" looking at the camera. Our sweet kids.  Our restored marriage.

The rest of the story...

No one knew, aside from Kevin, that at that very moment, it took all I had to physically stand up, gather my family, and smile for the picture.  The picture speaks a thousand words about a family, but it also speaks thousands others unsaid.

Just a few hours prior to leaving to make that 2.5 hour trip, I suffered a miscarriage.  Though it was a very early one, it was still a loss of life, especially for those of us that fully believe life begins at conception. We had barely even wrapped our minds around the concept of child number 4 and we'd not told a single person at that point. We wanted to make and get through some initial appointments and get a feel of what was expected for this pregnancy.  Though I GREATLY, almost OBSESSIVELY wanted a fourth, Kevin was VERY hesitant to make that choice. After Adriana was born and I was diagnosed with lupus, I was told absolutely no more children. It would either be very difficult to conceive and if so it could be dangerous. I didn't like that answer and my faith that God had a larger family in mind for us, baby #2 easily came. Though he was considered high risk and that entire pregnancy was driving two hours each way every week to be monitored at a specialty clinic, everything went well.  That gave us confidence for #3 and though he was born healthy, some complications left me on complete bedrest for over half my pregnancy.  Getting through that season was HARD, harder than even our closest family knew. Hard in general, but harder still when your husband's work commute was an hour and half each way and trying to maintain homeschool with the oldest and a bouncy 4 year old.  Eek.  Because of that season and how progressively harder it was on my body, Kev just wouldn't jump on board with us having another child, no matter how much I wanted or begged.  Eventually (a very long path) I came to the same conclusion as he did and we were on the same page. So to say we were surprised the day that stick had two lines (and repeated a second time) was a major understatement. But, the shock was instantly replaced with joy and acceptance.  No "oh no"or "ugh" about it.  It was considered a gift and our faith knew that whatever was ahead, we'd handle.  We figured if God had allowed us to conceive, it was meant to be. But, that news was gone in a flash and quickly replaced with deep sorrow and questioning. Still belief that God's plan was perfect and He was in control, just not the path we expected.

But at that moment, as we stood there for that family picture...

No one knew the heartache.

No one knew the "secret" still playing out.

Even Kevin didn't realize how hard it was going to hit me emotionally and for years to come.

No one knew the physical struggles taking place or the ones to immediately come as my body was about to go through a season of flare up that nearly broke me in countless ways. No one even knew in the coming days, other than a couple of close friends that jumped into help with my kids as that flare overtook and I couldn't keep up. We decided we'd share our news when we felt the time was right and to who we wanted to. A decision made together.

Everyone around at that moment just thought I was physically fighting a flare and we just left it at that.  It wasn't like I was going to shout from the rooftop what was actually going on! We needed time to process in our hearts the roller coaster of emotions.  Even though I was barely 6 weeks and we had yet to share our news, our hearts embraced that child. Even now, I find it very difficult this time of year, as I think of what was, what life would be like, and how different things might have been. I often even find it very difficult to attend his family reunion because of my emotional baggage that hangs around that time and place. Going back the next year was just almost too much for my heart to handle and since then it's been a "war zone" on my emotions, many times resulting in me staying home even if I could have gone.  (Though this year none of us could go for multiple other reasons as well.)

That picture also showed no indication of what was to come.  It would be just a few weeks later that we would get the news of my Dad's cancer diagnosis and that whirlwind.  It was then that I knew partly why God had walked us down that path, though this side of heaven we won't have the full answers.  I do know that had my pregnancy progressed, I would not have been able to spend that time with Dad and my family. A very difficult time as it was, would have been exponentially more difficult.  There's no way my body and mind could have handled being in both places, most especially if I'd ended up on anticipated bedrest again. It was in sharing those thoughts of how God sometimes does things in His timing and His way because we can't see the whole picture that He does, created a whole other realm of heartache.  Certain individuals didn't like how and when we decided to share our news of the loss we'd experienced.  As a result, it was a catalyst that resulted in some that are no longer even in our lives because of their reaction and believing that Kevin and I didn't have the right to share on our terms.

With all that said, today, I see that picture that says one thing and to the world may reveal another.  I look at the picture with joy because it always does something to a Momma's heart to see pictures of her children a few years back.  To be reminded of how sweet they were and how "little".  I do see a happy family.

But, now....

I see a family that has weathered many more storms and that has come through many battles, some the world saw and many more they didn't.

I see a Mom that held it all together when it was falling apart. I see a mom that learned to dig deep and get through some hard days. Many.

I see a new depth of faith that came about from the storms that were about to be unleashed. You sometimes don't know how deep your roots are until the storm hits.

I see a husband and wife that had already been through the deepest battles and had been restored and redeemed through some dark seasons (which is why REDEEMED remains prominently displayed the moment you walk into our house), being prepared for more storms.  The rocky past and lessons learned carried us through the next hard seasons.

I see joy and hope about to resurface, even though not quite visible at that time.

And...I see short boys.  :)  Those no longer exist.  One now towers far over us and we aren't short...and the other isn't far behind!

Though it did leave a catch in my throat this morning to see that picture and the emotions wrapped up in it (as the last few days have also been), I do look at it with joy. It reminds that when roots are deep and anchored in Him, they sustain.  Had our faith been shallow, we would have been blown away.

No matter what you see on social media, don't fall into the comparison game. A picture never shows the full picture.  Someone may have a big smile or look like life is wonderful, but can be falling apart on the inside.  You may see their travels to exotic places and just a one tank trip a few hours away may be all that you can afford.  You may see well-behaved kids or outstanding athletes, and you might be the one pulling yours off the shelves at the grocery store or have children with zero athletic ability.  Their house may look pinterest perfect or their meals may be straight off a magazine cover and you may not be able to step over the mountain of laundry and gourmet to you may be another box of Hamburger Helper.  At the end of the day, you must just feel like you don't measure up. Remember: they may have had to take a hundred pictures to get that ONE, they may be so in debt to afford that lifestyle or have to sacrifice somewhere you aren't wiling to compromise.  For every pinterest success, there are dozens and dozen of fails.  That well behaved child in today's picture, may have been the grocery shelf climber yesterday or tomorrow.  That spotless looking picture, may just be cropped of all the clutter behind it. No one has it together ALL the time.  WE ALL have our strengths and weaknesses.  And, I guranatee, YOU have something that THEY are looking at and saying, "I wish I had."

Pictures do speak a thousand words.  But they also have many many stories untold.

Just like mine that showed up today.....

In the Green House

In the green house at the end of the cul-de-sac...

It's where we've found HOME.
It's where we've found COMMUNITY.
It's where we've found HOPE.
It's where we've found GRACE.
It's where we've found JOY.
It's where we've found FAMILY.
It's where we've found PEACE.
It's where we've found LAUGHTER.
It's where we've found REDEMPTION.

Today marks 8 months exactly of waking up in the green house.  The place that instantly became home instead of house.

That first morning living here we woke up in the floor because our bed wasn't moved in and put together.  This morning we again woke up on a mattress in the floor because after about 20 years our bed bit the dust. As in broke and done for. We literally bought it in the middle of our first big move. Stopped in Nashville and loaded it on the U-Haul as we were headed to live several years in Arkansas. It served us well.  We did everything possible to get more days out of it because I just didn't want to let it go.  Lots of memories wrapped up in that bed.  (Yes, "those" memories matter, but I'm really referring to memories as a family. :)  All of my babies shared this bed for a time.  Our family grew up together on it.  Gosh, I spent 4.5 months of not being able to get out of it while on bedrest with #3.)  I had grown quite sentimental to it. However, Kev just couldn't find anymore places to screw in more support boards or hold it together with bolts, zip ties, and nails. Every single time you moved you wondered if you would fall to the ground. THAT day came.  Kaput.  Plus, SOME of us had grown quite out of love with its sleigh design and wanted more contemporary (that "some" was not me and I was in the definite minority!).

But today, though we find ourselves sleeping just on a mattress, I'd rather be sleeping nowhere but here. We see countless projects left to be done and a bank account pretty much empty for awhile and we are determined to not add debt so we can't get as many done as we want. WE are ecstatic with all that we HAVE accomplished and restored.  We know the rest just has to wait. While we wait, we know we are HOME. It's been an adventure, but honestly seldom stressful.  Isn't that crazy? We literally have had to rip apart something in every room and have worked tirelessly to clean up landscaping.  Even just last week we had a bathroom flood a SECOND time.  Every single day there seems to be something else added to the "list" of need to.  But we just smile.  Because we're home.  In the little green house at the end of the cul-de-sac.

It's here that we truly know we are home.  We've LOVED living in Central IL (aside from HARSH winters!).  The town gave us the roots we desperately needed and were searching for when we moved here almost 11 years ago.  Living in one place was not something that had ever happened in our marriage, so to finally be able to do so was a priceless gift.

Don't get me wrong, we LOVED a few of our neighbors in our old neighborhood and MISS seeing them on a regular basis.  However, from the first moment we moved here we knew it was HOME. Yes, it has partly to do with ownership versus renting, but it goes FAR beyond that. We waited MANY long years for God to say "NOW" instead of the "NOT NOW" we'd been hearing over and over.  When that day came, EVERYTHING fell into place and in so many ways we know that it was PURELY His hand. Admittedly, we weren't so patient in those waiting years and our faith was shaken quite often, but we stayed obedient and waited for His timing.

One of the most remarkable feelings of home has been the building of community. As much as we loved where we lived previously and had no complaints, we just didn't fit.  We struggled to find our place.  Honestly, many times we felt less than.  I felt frowned upon for being home with our children instead of pursuing a career.  Many of our belongings didn't "measure up" because we refused to buy bigger and better on credit. Living on one income, buying second hand, or re-purposing something old into new just wasn't the "typical".  We felt like life was a rat-race and we never got on the spinning wheel.  It was about keeping up with the Joneses, but we never wanted to be a Jones so to speak.  We've always lived differently and nothing about that was going to change.  What we observed with many (VERY much a generalization, so please don't take offense!) was that marriage was a chore and raising children an inconvenience and if you could pay someone to do something for you instead of doing it yourself you did. We just didn't fit with that mentality.

Here---feels like home in every capacity. We're surrounded by EVERY background and yet it feels like true community.  We're building relationship with neighbors and are enjoying doing so.  (Even though this introvert still has to be purposeful about not 100% hiding out!).  I know that I can call one of many with a need and they'd jump right in.  Ok, that should probably say TEXT a neighbor since I still refuse to talk on the phone and I've come to notice I'm not the only one! :) We've recently been experiencing a great spree of home and car break-ins and individuals wandering around on private property.  Yes, that has been unsettling and we're hyper aware, BUT I don't have fear or anxiety because I know that we're surrounded by a great group of people keeping on eye on each other.

In very recent days we had new neighbors, immediately behind us sharing part of our backyard, move in. That brought some temporary anxiety as we waited and wondered if they'd be good neighbors or "challenging".  As soon as the sweet older couple put their for sale sign in the yard I began to pray. Though we've had limited personal contact so far, the conversations and observations can only be described as "But God." Today, I witnessed a sweet moment that really touched my heart.  It was seemingly ordinary to most passerbys, but for my heart it was a direct confirmation.  I shared with Kev and he agreed that it was definitely a God nudge.

Besides each around us "just" being neighborly and courteous, each particular one seems to bring something special about them to the table.  Something our hearts were needing or something our hearts can offer.

In the green house at the end of the cul-de-sac, we've found many great things.  Hope has been restored in multiple ways, laughter seems to be more free flowing, we feel redeemed in so many ways as we feel He has been restoring the years that the locust had eaten (in reference to Joel 2), and joy in the simplest things. The kids are happy and feel the decision was great on countless levels which brings peace (except they still fight like cats and dogs). They love (and SO DO I) the freedom to walk to church,McDonald's, or to meet up with friends. Our family unit as a whole is growing and thriving. This home has also been a place of grace.  We've needed lots of it and had to give lots of it, but it's been free flowing.

It's HOME.

The green house at the end of the cul-de-sac.

*Well, as I reflect on this being home I suddenly realize there is one thing that has been missing that needs a remedy.  Fast. Dancing has to return to this kitchen.  We've more space than ever before with its layout, but yet, we've not taken advantage enough. We used to dance around the kitchen and living room OFTEN. It was commented on more than once that someone would drive by and later tell us that they saw us dancing. The to-do lists got longer as the projects were many and that became our focus.  Time to change that.  Time to get back to embracing the little things that matter.  Get back to hearing the kids say, "Ugh, there they go again". Besides that, they're gone more than ever anyway.  Plus, they need to be reminded of the beauty of marriage and not the picture that the world tries to paint. They need to know that even after 21 years and counting, that love still grows and matters. Yep. Kevin---that's your reminder, not a hint. I'll get back to my obsession of lighting candles and make our home a haven---you get back to taking your wife on a spin around the kitchen.*

BE ONE UNTIL YOU ARE FOUND BY ONE

I am purposely spending significant amounts of time in Bible study, devotionals, and reading books that encourage me to live a life of faith. I'm just very hungry and thirsty for it right now.  For quite a long time, I've felt spiritually attacked and just trying to keep my head above water. But as I began to pray for Him to move my heart from survival mode to thriving mode, I'm finding that happening through the pages of Scripture, inspired and honest authors, study groups and pen and paper. Yes, this girl is notebook and journal obsessed. It's addiction level! ;) I also know that in just a few weeks my attention span greatly takes a nose dive as we start year 16 of homeschooling.  I need extra "stored" in my tank so that I have enough to pour out and still sustain my own needs. Each day will have its own manna, but let's get real... it's harder to attain when you're spread thin or distracted.

Today I was working in Beth Moore's "Entrusted study.  Technically the study just ended and I'm only half way through, but I'm still pressing forward. It's an in-depth study of 2 Timothy. I already loved this specific book (letter), but her incredible teaching ability has illuminated so much more than I thought possible. She doesn't just do a study that says fill in the blank. No spoon feeding! Honestly, many times I feel like I don't know the answer even though I'm looking straight at the book and the Bible. But that's ok. That's why we keep learning and being a student. Later this week will mark 32 years of my personal relationship with Christ and I feel like I'm barely scratching the surface of knowledge.

But, today's teaching...

Spoke directly and plainly to my heart.

Honestly, it moved me to tears.

"And, while you're at it, don't give up on humanity. There are still Onesiphoruses in the world. Be one until you are found by one. "

BE ONE UNTIL YOU ARE FOUND BY ONE

Let me back up and explain in case you aren't familiar with Onesiphorus.

Onesiphorus searched HARD for Paul until he found him Scripture says. He wasn't ashamed that Paul was in chains. "He refreshed me," Paul says. For Onesiphorus to get to Paul took extreme effort. Travel from Ephesus to Rome wasn't just a quick hop on a bus. Though getting to the city itself was hard, Paul was imprisoned in an undisclosed location. Hidden away and under guard. I just finished reading the Mark of the Lion series by Francine Rivers and though it was a fictional work, scripture really came alive as I was reading it because I could just picture the journey. Though this is a great understatement: it took work and commitment to find him.

Beth writes in her study that we all long to be earnestly searched for and found by somebody wonderful.  We may not admit it, but even those with the toughest exteriors have that longing. "We yearn to know there are people who'd diligently search for us if we are missing. People who'd swim the ocean to get to us if we were stranded on an island. We want to be worth looking for. Worth not giving up on."

Even rereading and typing those words has tears streaming. Again.

Haven't you felt that way at times? Even, perhaps, right now. Many of us carry deep wounds of being abandoned, deserted, not fought for. Maybe we've felt so invisible or alone, even while surrounded by a crowd. Oh, dear ones, I understand those scars. Whether by a parent, a family member, a spouse or a friend, it hurts.

I love how she reminds us that with Christ, we are "audaciously searched for and passionately found." Yes, that is beautiful beyond words. His redemption and love for us knows no bounds.

However, our hearts might ache to have a physical being, someone we can physically reach out and touch, feel that way about us. We all want to know that we have an Onesiphorus in our lives. That ache may run even deeper when we've felt the opposite from someone. Most especially someone that should have loved is unconditionally but didn't.

What do we do when we aren't sure we have someone like that? Or when we wish we had more than just one?

BE ONE UNTIL YOU ARE FOUND BY ONE

Recommit to being a friend. Reach out to a neighbor. Serve someone in need. Show kindness to someone that is rude. Look for the lonely. Encourage. Build bridges. Let someone know they are seen and valuable. Forgive. Get off a screen and look someone in the eyes. Get in touch with someone that matters to you---maybe you've been using the I'm too busy excuse --- reconnect. Put your spouse as a priority.

Just be one.

It's why I'm so PASSIONATE about "happy mail", sending handwritten cards and being an encouragement. We often don't realize how much our "small" effort might make an enormous difference to someone else. If the Holy Spirit puts someone on your heart, be obedient, even if it feels awkward or even "not enough". Our words may seem trivial, but we might be that Onesiphorus for someone at a crucial life point. And I've often said it and will say it again and again, when you care for and encourage others, you will find yourself encouraged in the process. Guaranteed.

And while you're showing someone they are worth fighting for, you might find that someone is fighting to get to you. Without a doubt, Christ most definitely finds you that valuable. He moved heaven and earth. He inscribed you on the old of his hand. Cling to that.

Wake up! Suit up! Rise up! Fight!

This last week must have really left Satan giddy with excitement as he watched powerhouses fall. One after another. I can imagine he was smug and his chest puffed full of pride.

It came in the form of hard hitting, gut wrenching situations attacking some of the most faithful individuals I know. A relationship crisis. A devastating medical diagnosis.  Financial collapse. Overpowered by addiction and its path of destruction. Just a few of the "headlines" going on in the lives of some close fellow believers.

It came in the form of one of the most respected and powerful speakers/authors/ ministry leaders in women's ministry announcing her marriage was ending in divorce. The pain of her words in her announcement was clearly evident. A choice not taken lightly or without trying everything possible to avoid. A choice that become no longer a choice.

And then in the last 24 hours, the announcement that my most treasured ministry geared toward the Christian mother dissolved over financial issues . It's a devastating loss to many. Not only those of us that benefited greatly from its conferences, blog encouragement and interactions with speakers, but also devastating for the employees and volunteers. Personally speaking, this ministry rescued me at a crucial time in my life. Without a doubt, I credit it for being the catalyst of restoration and healing many times. My heart aches today. It aches for my own loss, but most importantly for that mom needing a lifeline and not getting it like I did. My heart hurts for the founder that has come to mean so much in my life. Though she changed her role and focus in the last year, it was still the vision of her heart. Over the years and multiple book launches with her, I've come to really know her beautiful heart and passion for mothers and marriage. I've sat on her porch and eaten at her table, feeling first hand her belief in loving others through hardship and pointing them to Christ and His grace and fullness.  

Each of these individuals or ministries didn't just claim to be founded on faith, they lived it out. They didn't just talk the talk, they walked the walk. They lived the gospel. They embraced the broken. They pointed to Christ, always. None were perfect, because that isn't possible, but their hearts and actions reflected Christ.

What now?

What does this all mean?

Should I feel defeated?

Should I throw in the towel on trying to live a "good" life since it's obvious that some stronger, better versed, and with a greater support system are falling or hurting?

After some introspection, prayer and multiple conversations, my heart has an answer.

(WAKE UP!)

Realize NO ONE is immune to hardships, failure, or extreme difficulties. It can happen to you. The moment you think it can't is the moment you're truly fooling yourself. Even the holiest, most faithful, and strongest face battles. Perhaps, they face even more. Satan doesn't attack the weak. He has no need to fear them. He also attacks at the point of greatest negative impact. If he can weaken our marriages and our families, he can do unlimited damage. Marriage and family is our core, our backbone.

(SUIT UP!)

Putting on the armor of God isn't just a Biblical suggestion. It's a necessity. Every day that we fail to purposely be connected to Him is a day that we are walking unprotected. (Key: we must be purposeful or we'll find ourselvest too busy or distracted). If we aren't in His Word for ourselves, in communication through prayer, spending time in worship, surrounding ourselves with other believers in community, or protecting ourselves from temptation and evil... we are walking through fire without even as much as a breath of oxygen. Would a fireman enter a burning building without his gear? Do we stick our hands in a hot oven without some type of hot pad to wrap around the pan? Would you jump out of a plane without a parachute? (Ok,  I still wouldn't jump with one. Just sayin'!) In other words, it's not logical and even downright stupid to enter a battle without armor or weapon. We still run the chance of not coming out unscathed, but our chances of survival greatly increase. That armor also helps us make better choices and avoid danger in many cases because of the Holy Spirit. Fully suited in our armor, we find that the ploys of the world don't chain us down as much. We can't shack up with the devil and expect God to pay the rent!

(RISE UP!)

We have to choose to live victoriously and full of hope. Love and support others through their defeats. Help bind their wounds. Don't add daggers to their already battle scarred hearts.  Build community. Decide that we've been given a wake up call and that call isn't to lie down and give up. Yes, it seems others have been defeated or wounded at least. We can lie down and say, "Go ahead, stab me. Take me down, too." Or we can remember who lives in us  AND....

(FIGHT!)

NO Satan. NOT TODAY! You can't have my marriage, my child, my finances, my peace or my hope. You can't have my joy. You can't have me. I belong to the chain breaker, way maker... and He bought and paid for my victory. So, I fight. I go against what the world says is normal. I tell my flesh and pride no. I invest in my marriage. I put priorities different. I remember that in my weaknesses, He is the strongest. I guard my heart and mind. I fix my eyes on Him. And fight on.

Carry on, Warrior, carry on.

You may lose a battle (and it may look like warriors are falling EVERYWHERE), but we win the war.

Wake up. Suit up. Rise up. Fight.

Rerouting...

Five little words.
None over four letters.
19 letters in all.
Such little words with a BIG impact.

Several days ago, my husband and I (along with our oldest and her best friend, though they had a different seating area) had the wonderful joy of attending a Casting Crowns concert (also featuring Unspoken and Danny Gokey).  CC has been one of our favorite groups for many years and this was I *think* our 4th to attend as a couple.  The night, start to finish, was phenomenal.  Not only was the music, worship and performances TOP NOTCH, but each artist took the opportunity to speak from their hearts, to bring the Word or encourage, challenge, and even convict.

It was during one of those moments of sharing that I heard those five little words.

STEP BACK INTO HIS PLAN

Those words have taken deep root in my heart and God has been completely at work with His whisperings of what those words mean to me.

It's like when you're driving around and relying on GPS to get you where you need to go.  Perhaps you miss a turn completely.  Perhaps you couldn't change lanes quickly enough.  Maybe you come upon construction and detours.  Maybe it's the annoying situation of driving in a city and coming upon a one way going the opposite direction of what you need or it's one of those situations where the direction changes according to traffic needs.  Or maybe you see somewhere else you want to go first or your kids (or husband!) needs a pit stop.  It always results in that little voice and words on the screen showing...REROUTING. A new calculation is made and with some little tweaks and changes, you're put back on the correct path to your destination.

Do you need a reroute today?

In what areas do you need to step back into His plan?

Are you walking a path you know is leading you AWAY from instead of TO Him?  Maybe you're walking in sin and you know it. No denying it.

Maybe you've just made some little wrong decisions here and a little there.  You didn't mean to get off course, but those little gray areas caused you to deviate more and more until you no longer know where you are.

What about some of those other areas of being out of His plan?

Did you give up on a dream or calling He gave you because it was too hard, others doubted you, or you doubted yourself? Did you give up on those dreams because they may have needed a temporary wait that you turned into never fulfilling. As a mom still in the middle of raising children, I know I have dreams that may be on temporary hold in this season, but in my heart, I may have completely stifled them in the waiting season. Even in the wait, there are ways to still be moving forward and keeping those dreams alive. They don't have to die when God gives us a temporary wait.

Are you walking in bitterness, have an unforgiving spirit? Those aren't in His plan.  Those are like weeds out of control.  They can wrap around anything and everything good in your life and suffocate them if you don't cut them down and fully remove them.  Stepping into His plan means letting it go. Then you can truly be walking in His plan for your life.  Bitterness and unforgiveness are chains.  So are jealousy, anger, comparison, and lack of gratitude.  They all just keep you locked in place and not in a place of growth and productivity.

Maybe, oh this is a tough one, maybe you've got on the track of go, go, go.  We tend to glorify busy in this day and age. Are you going so fast and have so many things on your plate that you just can't find the time to SIT at His feet and just soak Him in.  We can even be out of His plan in over-serving and over-doing. Ouch. We can be completely investing in good things, but even good things can be too much if we are losing sight of the one we serve.  Are we serving for accolades? Are we serving out of duty or thinking we can cover an empty place in our heart? Are we serving as a result of saying yes when we knew in our heart we should have said no? Has serving become our idol?  Is our level of busyness our gauge of our spirituality?  That's a dangerous place to find ourselves in.  Sometimes stepping back into His plan means letting some things go. Sometimes we can find ourselves so busy (either doing good things or doing things that have the wrong motivations) and we can't even hear Him whispering to our hearts because we have no margin to listen. Or we find we've been neglecting the nearest and dearest in our lives because we didn't have time to give them our full attention.  Ouch. Double ouch.

Maybe God has been asking you to do something and you have been walking down a different path, one of avoidance or denial. If He is asking something of you, you can run as far as you want, but it will never be far enough.  His calling will remain. That avoidance and disobedience will lead to such discontentment in your life.  Until we surrender, FULLY, we never know just how amazing it is to be in His plan.

I don't know about you, but my heart needs some rerouting. I need to be taking some steps BACK into His plan.

You know what, it's ok to not know what that plan is.  It's ok to not know where a particular request is taking you. Perhaps your path is very painful right now or uncertain.  Maybe He's asking you to walk with Him in faith down a path that you can't see an illuminated destination.  Maybe you don't know the coordinates to enter in for GPS to lead the way.

We trust anyway.

We keep walking.

We let His Spirit convict and redirect when we stumble.  His mercy and grace welcomes us back even when we've taken the most defiant steps of running the opposite direction of Him.  We've found ourselves traveling in unfamiliar areas and GPS lost its signal.  We never have to worry about that with God in our lives.  If we ask, He answers.  If we are lost, He finds us.  If we are broken, He fixes us.  He's our chainbreaker and gap filler.  Only a whisper away. In His great love, He gives us the opportunity to step back in.  Forgiving and merciful.

Today, ask yourself "Am I in His plan?"  If you know that answer is no or you've taken a few wrong steps or lost sight of what the path He has for you is, just reach out to Him.  Simply surrender.

One foot in front of the other.
Step back into His plan.
It may be a giant step or it may be a series of small steps.  Just step.

He'll be waiting!

Work in Progress

I can't adequately express the feeling of getting up every morning and seeing little changes happening around our home.  More evenings than not, a reno project is tackled.  Some nights it may be as minimal as changing out some outlet covers or rewiring a switch.  Other nights it may be replacing a door or rebuilding some frames (seems like nothing in this house has been plumb or square!). Some projects have been much larger such as a complete bathroom overhaul.  MANY, MANY nights have been spent painting walls or dark trim white. I'm loving seeing every single surface being touched by our hands and made our own.  It's what we wanted (even with the headaches, stress, and overwhelming days). We wanted to make something old new again, even on a limited budget. Even our oldest son came home from a weekend trip away and walked around looking for what was different. He says it's like a game of hide and seek every time he comes home from being gone for more than 24 hours.

This morning the change was walking into our schoolroom and it finally being painted.  Everything hasn't been put back in place since we still have touch up to do and baseboards to replace. However, just seeing the walls done was a source of joy, even with everything now disorganized again. It was also the smile that came from walking past the first replacement door completely finished.  Seeing the final result of ONE gave me excitement and encouragement to hang in through the chaos and the days of everything being mismatched as we do one by one.

As I was looking around this morning and just seeing how far we've come, what's left, and everything in between, there was a whisper to my heart.

"I'm at work in you, too."

My heart is like our home renovation.

When we began looking at houses, we saw many that we thought were beyond repair.  We saw some that were too perfect or lacking in character.  When we walked into the one we bought, we didn't buy it for what it looked like at the moment.  We bought it for its potential, knowing it had solid structure and no major hidden issues that were of safety concern.

When Christ looks at my heart, He doesn't turn away because I'm too much work.  He doesn't see me beyond repair.

I'm a broken mess.

He sees my beauty despite the flaws.  He sees my potential.  He knows I have the right make up to create something worthwhile in.

But, do I see it?

Recently I saw a facebook drawing of a body completely covered in words.  Though I don't remember the exact caption, it was basically asking a question.  What if every word we said was written on our skin? In that particular case, it was referring to how we speak to each other and the division our nation has been facing.  In other words, watch your words.  Watch how you speak to each other or about each other.  Though I thought that was VERY powerful, I though of it from a different perspective.

What if every single thing I said about myself on the inside was written on the outside? Would my skin be covered in beautiful encouraging words or negativity?

Ouch.

Would I want to walk around with those negative words and feelings I hear myself speaking in my head? We can be our own worst critics.  Things we would never say out loud, we can park our thoughts on and absorb. We can say them so often we believe them to be the truth. They are lies. The lies have to be replaced with the REAL TRUTH He speaks over us.

I'm not good enough.
He says: You are more than enough.

I'm fat, ugly, old, or this or that is too big, too small, too wide, too skinny, too floppy, too bumpy....
He says: You're beautiful.  You're made in MY image.

I'm incomplete, unseen, unworthy, alone, etc...
He says:  In me you are complete, I see you ALWAYS.  You are worth every sacrifice I made for you, even to the cross. I'm ALWAYS with you.

I'm weak, incapable, not worth the effort.
He says:  Operate in my strength, let me teach you and mold you.  Let me equip you.

I've messed up too much.
He simply and powerful says:  You're forgiven.

And so many more.

IF we are willing to submit our lives to Him, He can change us from the inside out.

It's an ongoing process.

Just like in our home reno, we are finding some things take MUCH more time than we thought. As we begin to pull back one layer or remove one part, we find there is something else lurking underneath. We can't just leave it, it must be fixed underneath or the outside fix won't last long. The same in our hearts, we HAVE to let Him go deep.  Just a little patch on the outside of our hearts may be a temporary fix, but if we don't get to the root, we will still rot.

House renovating just like heart renovating isn't quick, easy, or without mess. It's downright chaos and filthy.  You can get one thing accomplished and cleaned up, but as soon as you start something else that mess just spreads.

We can feel like God is at work in us so much that we can't get one change in our hearts rooted, established, and "cleaned up" before another one is overtaking and leaving us all over the place again. Our hearts are complex and messy.  I dare say that none of us have just one single area needing work.

THAT feeling drives me crazy.  I can easily get discouraged knowing that I have so many things to work on at once.

So what do we do when we have a long list of things for God to change in our hearts or tasks at hand?

I have to apply the same things to my life that I'm applying in home reno land.

Prioritize-
We can't do everything at once, either financially or with our time. We have to decide what makes the biggest impact, be logical, and be willing to wait on some things. We aren't giving up on the other projects, we just realize that they aren't immediate.  They make take extra planning or extra prep work.  Some may take multiple steps.  No different with our hearts.

Expect mess. Be willing to get dirty. Be willing to fail and try again.
Enough said.


Keep a goal in mind and remember why you started in the first place-
In the middle of the chaos, when you're stepping over paint cans and supplies, when your clean floor or your fresh laundry or dusted furniture is now covered AGAIN, or when something you just got unboxed and organized has to be moved AGAIN....you HAVE to remember why you are doing what you are doing and keep looking towards the finished project you have in mind or YOU WILL LOSE YOUR MIND.  When you're making heart changes or working towards a physical goal (like fitness or weight loss), you have to keep looking towards the results you are wanting or you will easily give up on the hard days. Know your WHY and WHERE you are going or it's easy to get lost.

Focus on the positive changes-
Today I can look at the finished door and be proud of what's done.  I can look at the schoolroom's walls and be excited.  OR I can look at the undone and things left to do.  Which do you think brings the most peace? Focusing with gratitude and accomplishment or getting bogged down about what still isn't right or in process.  When we are allowing God to shape us, we can look at what He's already done in us and let that encourage us to keep on the path.  Or we can choose to focus on the negativity and drown.  Our choice.

Embrace the flaws-
It's ok to have imperfections.  We will never be perfect.  God doesn't expect perfection.  He knows our hearts and motivations.  Let me add, some things we see as flaws aren't actually flaws.  They are things that make us unique. We aren't meant to be identical to someone else. We bought this house despite it being a very unique shade of green.  To some it's a "flaw" that needs to be changed.  To others they love it because it has character and uniqueness.  We all have some things that might annoy us or make us self-conscious, but they really are a part of us and a part that makes us who we are. For example, I'm extremely introverted.  For so long, I saw that as a flaw.  In reality, that same personality trait makes me more intuitive to the needs of others and gives me a deep level of empathy. Some things aren't flaws at all and just need to be embraced.

Work as a team-
No project in our home has been done alone.  It's taken each and every one of us.  Some of us have more vision, some of us have more skill, some of us have knowledge and some of us have hands on experience.  We all have our talents and gifts.  It takes all of it. When we don't have the skill, tool, or know how:  we ask, we borrow, we research, etc...  In our heart reno, we have to ask for help when needed.  First of all we ask God for help. We ask for the guidance of the Holy Spirit. We also ask for help from others that can rally around us and help us. A friend who has walked our path, prayer warriors, encouragers, etc...

Above all, we don't quit when we don't see the progress we want or when the task is taking MUCH longer than we thought.  When it gets more complicated we don't run away.  We dig in. We try harder. We try a new approach.  We step away and regroup, take a break if necessary.

Renovation is time consuming.  As I'm learning first hand, it's a constant work in progress.  One task leading to another...

But...

When you see a finished project you KNOW it was worth the blood, sweat, and even tears.  (Yes, there's been all of that involved at some point or another).

When you reach a goal, you know it was worth it.

When you see your heart being shaped to be more like His, you know it was worth the uncomfortable refining and pruning.

So beyond worth it.

Getting Back Up

As we were doing school this morning, I looked across the room and saw my 10 year old's knees. This week's spring teaser has given us the daily joy of getting outside. If you have children, especially BOYS (or active girls!) you know that outside play comes with scraped knees, bruises, and constant need of TLC.

Have you ever noticed that kids just seem to go for it.  They give it their all.  They play hard. They have gusto about life.  They are daring and willing to try things.  When they fall, they typically get back up and try again.  

This week we got outside A LOT and that meant lots of bike and scooter rides.  Along with that came new lovely shades of blue and purple on his knees and scrapes on his hands. Inevitable. Both knees also sport scars from previous accidents. 

What if?

What if we attacked life with the same attitude?

What if I we were more like a child and lived life with gusto, willing to try new things, and be risky?

I know that with being an adult comes wisdom, knowledge, and responsibility.  We can't quite be dare devils and may be beyond climbing trees, riding downhill with no hands, or jumping curbs on a scooter. 

But what if...

What if we applied that same attitude to things that might feel risky in other ways?

What if we stepped out of our comfort zones and risked our hearts being bruised? 

Have you ever really watched a toddler learning to walk or climb, a young child learning to ride a bike or a skateboard? They fall often.  They end up having to get up time and time again.  But, that's what they do.  They get back up.  Try. Try and try again.

Have we fallen down so many times that we've stopped getting back up and trying?

Have we decided being risky is just TOO risky for our emotions?

What about just trying new things or recommitting to things we put on the backburner because we failed too many times before?

Maybe we've given up on restoration in a relationship.  Maybe we've given up on making better choices for our health. Maybe there's a skill we really want to be able to do, but we've given up after a few tries.

Maybe there's someone in our lives that might feel a bit risky to invest our time and hearts in because they've hurt us.  Or because they do life differently than we do. 

What if we lived willing to take some occasional bruises?

Today I'm asking myself what do I need to try again or try for the first time because I wasn't willing to risk enough?  What have I fallen down doing too many times before but might succeed at if I give it one more try?

Where might you end up if you took off downhill riding with your hands off the handlebars? 

Might you crash.  Yes, Yes and yes.

But what if...

What if you reach the bottom and find it was so freeing?

Who might we bless, encourage, and inspire?  What might we change in our own life?  

I'm a chicken little.  I definitely like my feet firmly on the ground, low speed, and in control.  Total understatement. 

But what if...

What if I tried something new? 

More importantly, what if risked going deeper, walking in more faith, or being obedient to something God has asked but I've been too afraid of? 

Our hearts might get bruised, we might fall before we stand up tall, but...

Look who is there to catch us.  Walk with us.  Strengthen us. 

Just like my son comes back home knowing we'll take care of whatever bumps and bruises he's acquired. Whatever battle wounds need attention, he knows we're there.

No matter who has failed us.  No matter how many times we've messed up. No matter how deep our battle wounds.

Our Father awaits us.  

Maybe we should start living a bit more risky and living life like a confident child that gets back up even though they've crashed over and over. 

I know I do.

Just by looking at my child's knees. 

Sprouts of Hope

Ever had those days, weeks, months, or even LONG seasons of feeling defeated, depleted, and just beat down.

I know I have. Often, if I'm being honest.

But then...

God enters in.

He whispers, "Just hold on", "Don't give up", or simply "I see you."

Just enough hope trickles in to face the day and to keep moving forward in faith.  It doesn't have to be profound or extremely grand, though sometimes He does give us that abundant blessing of something big.  Usually it's just that little bit of comfort that lifts your heart.

It may be something you see, something you read, a note from a friend, a heart-to-heart with your spouse, or just a new revelation in His Word.  Just that "little" something.

Today, that little something came to me in the form of tiny little sprouts.

A few months back, we didn't even have moving on our radar. It was something we had talked about and prayed about many, many times, but the answer was always no or not now. When we did make the decision to start the looking process we didn't anticipate moving until end of March as our target date. We started looking online early October and driving neighborhoods getting a feel of where we wanted to be that would put us in the price range we wanted, but yet give us the most value for our money.  We purposely wanted to go less instead of more to alleviate financial burden should we ever be faced with a financial crisis or job changes.  We've been there, done that, and don't want to walk that path again. At that time, we had no plans of rushing or jumping in.  Two weeks later, we met with a realtor to look at some of the properties we kept coming back to.  Again, just really getting an idea of the market. By the end of that weekend, not only had we found a house we felt "fit us" (despite the exterior being a very unique shade of green!), it was in the perfect location for us (two minute walk to church). Best of all, the sellers had dropped the price that very day, placing it in our price range.  We had discussed it before the drop and had taken it off our list because though it was workable it was above what we had committed to. Our realtor had told us that she had one more property to show us that wasn't on our list to see, but she felt like it met the majority of our "wants" and needs.  On the way to meet her, I asked Kevin if he thought that perhaps the house she wanted to show us was the one we'd been considering increasing our budget for.  Indeed it was! Thanks, God.  We knew that we wouldn't be able to wait several months and the house still be around.  We KNEW that despite it needing some work (ok, LOTS of work!), it was meant to be ours.  So, we took the plunge, knowing it would put us in a rush to move.  Unfortunately, that also meant moving during the holidays.  Even bigger unfortunately, this also meant moving in the winter and winter around here means cold, ice, bitter wind and snow.  Wouldn't you know it, EVERY single day we cleared Kevin's work schedule to move, just happened to be the nastiest days.  But we did it. (Completely on our own somehow!)  We're happy and thankful.  Every day brings us closer to what we envisioned when we walked in those doors the first time.

Back to the sprouts.

Viewing the house in late fall gave us no idea of what the actual landscaping looked like. By the time we moved in, the ground was completely covered in leaves since the property has many mature trees.  Add to that snow and lots of overgrowth and we just really don't know what we have. We knew we were capable of doing the work needed, so we weren't scared away by the condition. We've had a few tolerable weekends of weather and have done lots of cutting back and raking bag after bag of leaves.

Then today, we saw it.

Those little sprouts.

Signs of new growth on this GORGEOUS glimpse of a February "spring". As the first one was discovered, it encouraged digging for more and more as the excitement grew with what we we're finding.

As I was searching, I was thinking about not only how I was excited and GRATEFUL, but I was also thinking of how important hope is in our lives.

It only takes a little.  When you grab on to that little, it makes you just want to grab and grab for more.  Hope, like joy, is contagious.  The more we look for it, the more we find it and the more we spread it, the more it grows. Who can we be hope for today? Who can we encourage?  Who can we forgive? Who can we mentor and teach? Who can we show the love of Jesus?

What if we were like those little sprouts beginning to peak through the ground? I don't imagine they had an easy winter. I don't imagine their breaking through the ground was easy.  Some sprouts probably had a harder path than others and it was a struggle. They all aren't the same size.  They haven't all broken through the ground at the same time.  Underneath the hard ground, there's no telling what else is waiting to erupt and some may not even make it.

We are the same.  We can feel buried.  Dead.  Struggling to break through our problems.

However, do you know what brought those sprouts to the surface?

Looking for the sun.  Soaking in nutrients.  Following their path. Sticking with it.

If we do the same, we can also sprout.  We can look to Him. We can soak in His Word.  We can follow the purpose He has for us and we can follow Him. We can remain faithful even when those around us are falling away or giving up.

We have to throw off the dead debris and the leaves (our chains, our sins, our burdens) and look towards the sun (the Son).

Today, as many of us experiencing a beautiful day of spring like temperatures, may we also allow spring to penetrate our hearts. May we also share that with someone else.  Spread Hope. Spread Joy. Point each other to the Son.

Beautiful reminder that "His mercies are new every morning."

I can't wait to see what the morning brings.

Gratitude Is the Best Filter

Over and over these last few days, I keep coming back to how perspective changes everything.

Friday I woke up and immediately knew I felt different.  It actually took me a few minutes to pinpoint what "that" feeling was.  Then it hit me that I actually felt GOOD.  I honestly hadn't physically had a "good" day since October.  Over three months is a long time to wake up feeling weighted down and enslaved to lupus, knowing that the flare you are in is just not going to give you any reprieve. Or sick from whatever germs the family has been sharing. It had been so long since I'd felt good that I didn't remember what it felt like. Yucky, in pain, swimming through peanut butter with concrete blocks on your limbs, lack of mental clarity, and depression nagging to take over.  Those things had become the normal and I just dealt with it.  But, to wake up, feeling ALIVE gave me a new found perspective. IT reminded me what good felt like, how much more I could accomplish with less effort, and the need to not have to plan EVERY little moment around what part of the day I'd feel the best, in order to give what best I could.  My perspective is once again changed by gratitude.  The good days, when they come are that much sweeter when you've been through struggles.

Today I was literally overcome with tears to be cleaning our bathroom.  While it's not a task I hate, it is something that is typically done out of habit and need.  I don't necessarily jump for joy at the thought of cleaning it.  However, today, as I cleaned it for the first time since we finished remodeling it, my heart was just extra grateful.  I was reflecting on how God brought us through every step of starting over, providing in countless ways.  I was thankful to have a husband that could tackle such a big project and was WILLING to do so, even multiple nights still at it at midnight despite the fact he goes to work at 4 AM.  Gratitude changes perspective.  A not so joyful task can be filled with joy when you remember where you've been, where you're going, and WHO brought you through it.

Today at church we were reminded of what a PRIVILEGE it is to be able to pray and personally have a relationship with God.  Reminded how God desires that connection with us.  Our Pastor, also with sons in the military, related it to how he felt in recent days of being on base and welcoming his son home from a long deployment.  As much as it was an overwhelming joy, such an overwhelming moment to hug him, it's the same way when we go to God and connect with Him.  It's as if He is waiting there with that same enthusiasm and open arms to embrace us.  Prayer can be just a habit, half-hearted, a quick check mark, or even dropped so low on our priority list that it is ignored until it is a last resort or we're desperate. However, when we frame it from the perspective of gratitude, a new passion arises.  We remember that it is not only a privilege, but it's a life-giving force. WE become changed when we've been in His presence.

I read tonight that "Gratitude is the best filter".  I LOVE that.  When we look at life through the filter of gratitude, our eyes are truly opened and our hearts can overflow with true joy.  Not finicky happiness.  True Joy.

May this week we all look through that filter.  You only need to spend .2 seconds on social media to quickly find yourself overwhelmed with darkness, frustration, division, vulgarity, hatred, etc...  Look away from the screen this week.  It's not about putting your head in the sand or being silent on important matters, but it is about choosing where to focus and remaining in a state of gratitude. Focus on how you are fueling your thoughts.  Be grateful.  Change your filter.

Oh boy---change your filter---I KNEW there was something I was supposed to buy on our multi trips out to the big box DIY stores this weekend.  Ugh.  :)

Why Hello, 2017

Hello, 2017, I'm happy to see you.  I really am.

You see, 2017, I saw you roll around and I knew I was supposed to traditionally make some resolutions.  I was supposed to pick apart my life and find those things that I needed to do better or weren't working and commit to a long list, or even just one, and resolve to "fix" it.  Oh yes, I need to eat better, lose weight, exercise, etc...  Oh yes, I need to spend less time wrapped up in technology. Yes, yes, yes.

But, I didn't make any resolutions.

Wasn't setting myself up for failure.  Wasn't going to be one of those January people that pack the gym and then leave it empty in February.

But, 2017, without realizing it, I apparently made some resolutions about you.

The one thing I did do was choose a word focus of the year.  I've done that and blogged about it for many years now.  Some years that word was hard to come by and I wouldn't settle on it until several weeks into the year.  However, this year, I knew my word weeks before the year rolled around.  It just was whispered audibly to my heart in a way that was an instant perfect fit.

Abide.

Five little letters.  Life changing word.

Abiding in Him is changing me.  I had reached the point that everything seemed scheduled, a to-do, or just forced.  I prayed because it was necessary, the right thing to do, or habitual.  I read my Bible or participated in a study because it was what I had always done or what I knew the "wise" women did. Right actions, but wrong motivations.

Reframing everything from the point of "abiding" really has changed everything.  Spending time with Him because I want to know Him, hear Him, see what He has for me has restored vitality to my soul. Reawakening and rejuvenating. From a chore to a deep desire.

In doing so, He is changing my hardened heart.  Showing me things I need to change, let go of, or things I may have been approaching from the wrong viewpoint.  Sometimes He's showing me things about me that others may not like, but He is pleased with.

Along the way, I've noticed that maybe I did throw in some resolutions without actually saying, "In 2017, I'm going to.....".

By "Abiding" and growing closer to Him, it has trickled down into making differences in my life.

For one, He's given me a contentment and peace like never before.  I can now much better focus on today.  Just today.  The to-do list of tomorrow doesn't paralyze me or leave me in overwhelming anxiety.  I am definitely a list maker, have planners and notebooks to the extreme, and plan ahead A LOT.  Probably to the extreme if I'm being honest. Though those things always kept me on track and let me know where I'm going, worry and anxiety still plagued me.  When I'm in a lupus flare mode or life is really busy, I'd get overwhelmed with how in the world I'm a going to pull so and so off, get this or that done, etc... Always worrying about the next day, the next week, or even the next month.  "Abiding" has given me a contentment to just focus on right now.  Get through and conquer today.  He's with me in the middle of my chaos, right now, and I can be assured He'll be with me in it tomorrow.  When tomorrow becomes today, I will focus on it.  Even as we've just finished moving and are in the middle of multiple remodel projects, I have a contentment instead of panic and anxiety. Today is what matters.  When I focus on just getting through what needs to be done today or even just this hour, I have the freedom to do it instead of carrying the weight of the next thing.  "Abiding" in Him has reminded me of His faithfulness, His promises, and His track record.  Plus, when I'm going through a hard day, I can remember this:  So far, I'm 100% in surviving my hardest days. Let tomorrow worry with itself.

Secondly, oh this is a BIG one, I've found the strength and self-worth to let go of one sided relationships and the heavy burdens of others.  Not necessarily "written them off" or turning my back, but releasing them from my grasp.  I'm fiercely loyal, sometimes to a fault.  My tender-hearted, sensitive to the needs of others, and the giving nature of my personality often leaves me depleted and empty.  Because I'm empathetic and deeply intuitive, I often expect that from others.  I've often deeply taken on the idea that it's the Christian thing to give and give of yourself.  Yes, it is necessary and yes it is the right thing to do at times, BUT there is a healthy boundary.  "Abiding" in Him is helping me to find that boundary.  I'm finding it is ok to not be stepped on.  It's ok to not completely give and give of myself.  It's ok to let God do HIS part.  I'm not Him and I'm not the Holy Spirit.  Obedience is my part, results are His.  I can encourage someone in my life and do it again and again, but I can't then put the weight of their actions or inactions on my shoulders.

One sided relationships were suffocating me.  I kept finding myself in the place of being there on demand for others, as soon as they needed something, but then when I would share something on my heart, there'd be no response.  He's been helping me see the difference in supporting a friend or acquaintance through a hard season and needing NOTHING in return from them and on the flip side being in a relationship of only a "taker".  Sometimes you really don't need a response back from a friend because in this particular season they are in NEED and your best gift to them is to just keep encouraging them and lifting them up.  That's perfectly ok.  But in others, you do have to learn to step back and release, when habitually they expect things of you that they aren't also willing to give a fraction of.  Or even those friends that you constantly support in social media by interacting with them, but out on the street you don't exist. Or they can't reciprocate and take a fraction of a second to share in your highs and lows.  What about those that make it obvious that you only exist when they need something, want you to buy something or support their newest fundraiser, or just want to complain.  "Abiding" in Him is giving me the confidence to LET IT GO, CUT IT LOOSE.  At first, my tender nature just couldn't do it.  How dare I step back, change direction, or even completely walk away?  That isn't the right thing to do, right?  Wrong---sometimes it's the VERY right thing to do.  As a result, my joy is getting deeper, the dark voices of defeat aren't as loud, my self-worth is restoring and I'm finding freedom to DIG deeper and invest my heart in the RIGHT places.  When I sit down to work on something that demands attention, I have more clarity and peace in my heart.  Not so weighed down.

You know what else, it's taking the pressure off.  The pressure to be "just right" for someone.  The pressure to perform.  The pressure of unmet expectations.  It's also taking some of the pressure off of my HEALTHY relationships.  I'm finding as each day goes by, I'm less distrustful or looking for the "catch" less often.  More present in the moment. My disappointment in others and hurt I feel from them is not trickling over in my healthy relationships because it's much easier to differentiate the two.  I'm also less likely to expect those healthy relationship to fill in the gaps the unhealthy ones had been creating.  Whoa.  Light bulb, a-ha moment.

So, 2017, I guess I did have some resolutions.  I guess I resolved to live in today, not tomorrow.  I guess I also resolved to find healthy boundaries in giving of my heart and time.

You know, those are pretty great resolutions because they snowball into many other areas.  They also help to keep priorities on track and my heart free to be obedient to Him.

Oh, I guess I also resolved to kick the HORRID habit of a gallon a day diet coke as well.  I didn't plan on it.  I just decided one night to say, "No Thanks", when my husband offered to bring one home while he was out.  Don't know where that came from because my typical response is, "Well, duh!".  As in, do you really need to ask. Apparently that one unplanned "no thanks" was all that was needed to snowball a much needed kicking of a bad habit (once again!).  I think my family has survived my getting over the hump.  One, two, three, four, five....yep, I think we're all here and still alive. :)

So, 2017, I do welcome you.  I look forward to seeing what you have in store and where this adventure goes.