A Lost Song Found

"I've lost my song."

There I said it.  They say the first step in recovering is to be honest and admit the problem. 

The last four days have officially broken me.  Broken me in a a good way.

Yesterday, I did NOT want to go to church.  You name an excuse and I was ready to use it.  But, out of faith, I went.  Ok, honestly, it was more like guilt since we'd missed the last two weeks at our church with traveling.  As we were driving those 5 minutes to get there, I just simply prayed, "Make it worth the effort." Granted, that probably wasn't the greatest prayer.  Church shouldn't just be about what we get it out of it, but rather a posture of our heart of worshiping.  Basically, I was saying I'm going out of reluctant obedience, but I'm asking you to reach in and change that attitude.  

Our pastor spoke about God's song in our hearts. He talked about how God gives us the song of hope and joy and how sin can steal our melody. A believer's heart is a singing heart. 

He cautioned about not causing others to lose their song.  He also warned about being careful to not lose OUR song and how to focus on the faithfulness of God and what we KNOW to be true during the times that our song may be lost. It's a choice we must make. 

I lost my song.  Some situations and others in my life may have started the snuffing out of the song, but the reality is, I allowed my song to be silenced. The ball may have started rolling with others, but the results of that falls on me. 

Backing up to earlier in the weekend---

I am an introvert to beat all introverts.  I've had the tendency for years, but the older I've gotten it has become much more pronounced.  I love having deep relationships with people, but being "social", small talk, and stepping out of my comfort zone is paralyzing. Like full on panic attack level. I had the incredible opportunity to attend a small gathering at the home of  Jill Savage: speaker, writer of many books, someone you often hear on Christian radio, and founder of Hearts at Home. She has been a powerful mentor and influence in my role as a Christian mother and wife for MANY years, even before I'd ever heard of Hearts at Home. Having been on her book team for No More Perfect Moms, No More Perfect Kids, and most recently "Better Together", I have been privileged to see even more closely her TRUE heart for women.  No More Perfect Moms was the catalyst for remarkable change in my life. As part of the latest book team, those of us with a high level of participation, were invited to come out and spend a few hours at her home. Dream come true?  Oh yes.  But in reality----a nightmare come true for this introvert.  However, I made the choice that I was going to NOT allow my anxiety to steal this potential blessing.  I'd allowed that to happen too many times AND this was not going to be one such time.  IT was HARD to make that initial step.  

But....

It was one of the greatest decisions I've made in a long time.

The day was heaven sent for me.  

I THOROUGHLY was at ease after the first 45 seconds.  I felt more of myself than I have been in years.  The conversations with the ladies in attendance, with Jill, and with Jill's daughter Anne (co-author of Better Together) were so very much what this heart needed in ways words can't adequately describe.  

Because my song has become silent. 

I stopped blogging because of that silence, despite it being something that I feel so passionate about.  

You see, life has dealt some curve balls leaving me with walls that I haven't felt I've been able to scale, disappointments that have suffocated, and scars that heal and then break WIDE OPEN again.  

But----in those moments of sitting there on her beautiful porch on a PERFECT day, surrounded by a community of REAL women that RADIATE for Jesus and each other, I was hit with the feeling of what community really is. Vulnerability. None of these ladies were without scar and blemish, without struggle or insecurities, or without failure.  

My song doesn't have to be silenced because life is hard.  

I've been in a season of TOUGH motherhood.  That's REAL.  There's no shame in that.  I know that and I BELIEVE that, but I stopped acting as if I believed it.  I stopped giving myself the grace I offer so freely to others.  

Here's where honesty REALLY comes in----and I know I most likely will have repercussions from this honesty--- but I believe today is the day to pull off every mask. When I blog, I'm honest and vulnerable, but this is a whole new level. You see, motherhood is HARD when you don't have a relationship with your own mother. No matter the level of success I might have in my own mothering or the depth of my failures, it's crushing that I am alone in mine. Death took my father away, but choice took my mother away.  I've spent so long feeling like an orphan.  There I said it. The words that haunt. Even in the last months some very painful things have happened that have really cemented those feelings in my heart.  Abandonment, betrayal, those feelings of NEVER measuring up----it's hard.  Simply crushing. I found it even harder to navigate this heartache for so long in the presence of such incredible mothers I've met through this book journey and in my daily life. And I just let wall after wall build. I couldn't share my story or its details, so I let my voice become silent.  My blogging to stop. My relationship building to significantly halt. I did pour deeper into my children (which IS A BEAUTIFUL thing), but my own heart was getting colder and my walls climbing higher and thicker. 

But that message of "Better Together" just kept resonating.  

As I sat on that porch and later as some very powerful prayers were prayed over Jill and her husband and their upcoming book on marriage, (sidenote: you'll want to grab it around next Valentine's day.  I'm crazy excited about the impact this one will have.  As someone that has been honest about our broken marriage and its beautiful restoration and knowing snippets of their story, I know the potential is far reaching.), I felt a wall begin to break.  Sunshine wasn't just beautiful outside that day, the son was reaching in and lighting up this heart as well. We all have a story.  We are MORE than just what we've done, what's happened to us, or the things that hold us back.  

We are His.  

We are valuable. 

Our story matters.

My mind had been swirling and my heart has been wanting to explode since the wonderful time this weekend, but as I'm *sometimes* guilty (often!) of doing, I let moments of incredible growth slip away out of my fears, even sometimes in direct disobedience to the prompting of His Spirit.  I felt it in my reluctance to be in fellowship with others at church.  I felt in my wanting to pull away from those nearest and dearest to me.  I know I wanted to let those walls continue to fall and to build the bridges that vulnerability and honesty facilitates, but I went back to my box, Back to my comfort zone of silence.  

As a result, tension was building.  Conviction was heavy.  Anxiety was building like an elephant sitting on my chest. 

Then this morning, a friend texted a simple "thank you for encouraging me, how can I pray for you?" text.  You know those LIFELINES.  The ones that you know that came straight from God to you from someone being obedient and open to Him.  I typed out my response, but as I was, I knew it was also a prompting from God to just trust Him and allow Him to put that song back in my heart.  Those walls were getting shaky again, but real life called as a priority.  Kids needs tending to, the dog needed out, errands run, and a teen dropped off for church camp.  I didn't get the chance to just soak in the message that He was beating in my heart. 

I did simply pray, "Let me KNOW you are there.  Let me HEAR you. Hang with me, don't give up on me."

As I walked back in from our rushing out the door, my youngest and I sat down to eat a fast food breakfast we grabbed (*shhh* don't tell the healthy police!).  It's just the two of us this week with one at camp and one over 1,700 miles away (yes, I'm still breathing somehow!). By the way, wish I had a video of the excessive celebrating he did when he walked in as an "only" for this week! My phone chimed that dedicated little chirp that indicated I had a message from that daughter that's currently living out her dream on the mission field in the Domincan Republic.  

It was simply a picture.  A picture of a cherished necklace in her hand that she lost six weeks or more ago and her text said "Bottom of my suitcase". She had it made in the shape of the island of the DR and stamped with Adventure Awaits on one side and coordinates on the other. .  She doesn't wear jewelry and is VERY low maintenance, so having this made showed a big piece of her heart.  She had it made when she began the application process for the internship. You see, God fulfilled this dream for her.  We couldn't financially make it happen.  Not even in the slightest.  We even ran into medical, school, and even application hurdles.  But God. He provided.  Losing that necklace was devastating.  She turned the house literally upside down, even taking apart sink drains.  Seriously.  She even decided to bite the bullet and have a new one made, but it wouldn't arrive before she left.  And then, not thirty minutes after I prayed that prayer of "God, let me hear you.  Let me know you're there.", she finds it.  In her suitcase.  In another country.  At a time when both our hearts needed it.  

Yes, God. 

I'm listening.

I'm obeying.

I'm letting that song return.  

Don't just break these walls you are breaking in my heart, oblieterate them.  Crush them.  Destroy them.  Even though it terrifies me.  Even though it will take me further out of my comfort zone.  

Why? 

Because I know we're all Better Together.  I know there are others ready to let their walls break but are afraid of that step.  Let's take it together.  What is He asking of you that you have been reluctant to obey?  Right now, our world needs us Better Together more than ever before.  

Empty

That little shiny hot pink bag arrived in the mail today.  It's been coming middle of the month for almost a year now.  It's simply a little $10 monthly splurge treat I give myself.  It usually contains a cute little bag and a few samples of fun make-up, beauty tools, or pampering items.  No big deal.  Just a "little" bit of something fun.

But today it arrived and looked a little different.

It was flat as a pancake.

Light as a feather.

It was empty.

Nothing inside.

Just empty.

I anticipated its arrival.  I even KNEW it was coming today because of shipping notifications.

But it was empty.

It wasn't supposed to be.

A definite mistake was made.  (Yes, it will be corrected.  I just have to patiently what another couple of weeks.  That's not my strongest personality trait....but that's another story for another day!)

Empty.

Deflated and disappointed.

I almost had a meltdown over that simple mistake.  Almost.

You see, I have been feeling just as empty as that shiny pink packaging. (Bubble wrap I might add!  I do have an obsession with popping bubble wrap.  Again, I digress).

Physically I've been in a daily struggle phase since December.  I've seldom had good or "normal" back to back days.  I just can't seem to get over the hump this time.  Pain and physical drain have been hanging around like static cling.  Nothing seems to shake it.  It's like living in a perpetual state of trying to recover from the flu. Many days pain has been intense and nothing "fixes" it.  On the outside, I might have the facade of looking put together, a smiling face.  My house may still look clean and organized.  School is still on track.  Life is "functioning".  But don't let it fool you....

I'm often feeling as empty as that little pink bag that arrived today.

Lonely.  Struggling with the most basic things but ACHING to be thriving, not just managing and surviving by threads.  Swimming through peanut butter.  Wanting life to be OUR normal again. Easily agitated when people don't realize that it takes A LOT of effort and it many times comes with great cost physically or emotionally to keep up.  Just so off balance.

But...

The pity party train isn't going to park here.  IT may stop for a bit. (I'm human. I don't have a real super hero cape hanging around, though a few pretend ones probably can be found.) I may wish the train pulled into the station and a new conductor hopped on and treated me with the red carpet treatment.  But only temporarily.

Because life ISN'T meant to be easy.  We all have our struggles.  We all have battles.  We all have scars. We all have to manage hard times.

Something else was empty.

Something was empty that changed everything.

The tomb.

You see, life just aint' always peachy.  But JOY abounds.

Happiness is wishy washy.  It relies on emotion.  It relies on circumstances.

Joy doesn't.

Joy bubbles up even when circumstances are hard.

Joy comes from knowing that the tomb was empty so we don't have to be.

I can feel empty.  I can feel drained.  I can even feel angry.

BUT.....

Oh my.

Looking to the tomb and cross changes everything.

It doesn't have to be well with our circumstances to be well with our souls.  I've said that often, but it is worth repeating. Again and again.

We can be swamped and bogged down in the harshness of life, situations we don't want to be in, or facing battles we just don't understand.  We may be in the middle of the hardest seasons of our lives, feel broken beyond repair, and overwhelmed with heartache.  That IS the reality of life at times.

However, JOY can remain.  Joy says there is hope in our darkest moments.  Joy says that we can shine from the inside out in confidence because of the cross and tomb.

We don't have to be empty.

We can be so filled up with Him that even though we may be struggling and hard times may surround, we can shine.

Shine on, Sisters.  Shine on.

Leap of Faith Day

Today--it's somewhat of a special day.  It only happens once every four years.  It's leap day.

My nephew was actually due today, but that little sweetness arrived a few days early giving him a normal birthdate! Whew.

What is so special about THIS day? After all, it's really just a normal day.  A Monday even.

But..

Oh....

Just wait.

It's a day for a LEAP OF FAITH.

It always amazes me when God keeps whispering to your heart the same message over and over.  It may come in different forms and be worded a bit differently, but the root of the message is the same. 

And today, I'm finally stopping to TRULY listen to that message.

Yesterday at church, our pastor greatly encouraged us to pray a dangerous prayer, "Lord, do things we're not used to."  Or pray to be shaken up. 

The last several weeks, I've been participating in an online Bible Study based on "Becoming More Than a Good Bible Study Girl".  Between reading the book, listening to conference calls with various God-inspired teachers, and in conversations online, a theme has REALLY been grabbing my attention.  Pray dangerously.  Don't just pray for our convenience.  Instead pray to be inconvenienced.  Pray to get "messy" with our faith. 

In her book that the Bible study is based on, Lysa Terkeurst says,

"Yes, we want the promises, but we don't want to get any dirt under our fingernails in the process.  We want comfortable circumstances, but we resist any transformational changes that might be necessary.  Oh, how we want the gifts promised here, but I wonder if the real treasure is to get to the place where we want the Giver most of all."

Ouch!

This morning, my dearest mentor shared that today was literally a Leap of Faith Day in her life.  All day those words have been running through my heart at warp speed. 

I need to take a leap of faith today. 

I need to start praying those dangerous prayers.  Why are they so dangerous?  Because they might make us step out of our comfort zone.  They might reveal God asking something hard of us.  It might cause us to get dirt under our nails.  They aren't dangerous because they invite danger in, but because they are the kind of prayers that change us.  Isn't that what we really need?  To be changed.  To see differently.  To react differently.  To live and love differently.

It  is important to pray for our daily needs and to keep an open conversation going with God about anything and everything in our lives.  I'm not denying that. 

But....

What if?

What if I actually prayed those few words with sincerity...

"Lord, do something I'm not used to."

or

"Lord, shake me up."

Maybe, today my "Leap of Faith Day" is to pray that prayer.  To be willing to step out on the edge and just jump. 

Having just been to hear Amy Grant and Stephen Curtis Chapman, one of his older songs is on repeat loop in my heart.  (Another Holy Spirit whispering of the same message.)

My heart is racing, and my feet are weak
As I walk to the edge
I know there is no turning back
Once my feet have left the ledge
And in the rush I hear a voice
That's telling me to take a leap of faith
So here I go

I'm diving in, I'm going deep, in over my head I want to be
Caught in the rush, lost in the flow, in over my head I want to go

The river's deep, the river's wide, the river's water is alive
So sink or swim, I'm diving in

I'm taking that leap of faith.  Sink or swim.  I'm diving in.

What leap of faith might he be asking you to make?

Wander/Wonder

When I wander, I wonder.

There, I confess.  I said it.  The truth is out.

Two words only separated by one vowel, but greatly different.

I love how Jennifer Rothschild words it in "Invisible" (an incredible book by the way!), "When our thoughts wander from God, we begin to wonder who we are."

Yep.

Guilty.

Let me say it again, GUILTY.

The moment I look outside to anything other than Christ for my identity, I falter.  I flail.  I sink rapidly.  That downward spiral happens in a flash of lightning.

She asks this question, " If I am in Christ, why am I  in crisis?"...

The beautiful response...

"I know why---it's because I am prone to wander.  I am always one errant thought away from rejecting the truth that God accepts me and instead adopting the lie that He accepts everyone EXCEPT me."

"When we don't see the truth that we are loved, we seek proof that we are loved."

"We often find ourselves in places or seasons of life where we feel like a nobody. It can be hard to see our own value if we are feeling constantly overlooked or we associate our value with our virtue. You know, if we are good, we are worthy of being acknowledged.  If we behave, we merit attention."

Now, I don't know about you, but to me those words are really hitting a raw spot in my own heart.

We HAVE to stop embracing the lie that our worth comes ANYWHERE other than God himself.  Otherwise, we are going to be constantly seeking validation or placing pressure on someone or something to fill us up.  AND. WE. WILL. REMAIN. EMPTY.

Empty.

Who I am is found in WHO HE IS.

It is easy to feel invisible in the world we live in.  Social media, technology, and just the influx of information and inundation of "stuff" overwhelms. 

If we don't pull away and quiet our hearts to meditate on His truth, we can't silence the lies.

As a SAHM, homeschool mom that is CONSTANTLY surrounded by someone ALWAYS needing something, I can't tell you the number of times that I feel like I'm spinning around in a room and just want to scream, "I can't hear you." Some days, it is pure controlled chaos.  The noise, the motion, the lack of personal space. Granted, as my kids have gotten older, it's much less of the physical demands (I'm finally beyond the days of cooking with someone on my hip or don't typically have fingers poking under the door of the bathroom---unless it's one of my "littles") and more of the emotional demands.  (Someone remind me that I WILL live through the teen years!). 

Just as I feel as if at times I can't breathe as my day is spiraling around with loops and dives of a roller coaster and I want to jump off and say "FREEZE".... it's the same way with God. He is right there waiting for me...to just stop and listen.

I DO have to stop.  I DO have to purposely take that time away to just reach for the calm and sit with Him.  Read His Word.  Be in communication with Him.  Learning.  Studying.  Acting in Obedience.  Listening. Repeat: listening!

Because if I don't. 

I wonder.

I wonder if I'm good enough.
I wonder if anyone really cares.
I wonder if anyone sees me.
I wonder if He loves me. 

My husband may make a fairly innocuous statement and suddenly I'm wondering if he meant something else. Which is then followed by, I wonder if he still loves me like he used to.  Or that little comment may spark a pointless war in which there is no winner.

I see a prayer answered for someone else, and I wonder why I'm not good enough to have it answered for me.

I see someone praised for something they did for someone and I start harboring bitterness because someone didn't thank me for the same thing.

I do something for someone and they don't acknowledge it or don't acknowledge it "enough" or with enough thought that I wonder if I'm not good enough for them. This is especially a hot button for me when I spend hours upon hours making something or putting EXTRA thought into a gift instead of just grabbing something off the shelf.

I can't solve this or that problem in my parenting, in a relationship, etc... and I allow it to seep deeply into my heart as it screams failure, you're not enough, etc...

My sins condemn me instead of convict me.

Oh my, how that list can go in.

I'm getting vulnerable and honest here (as I've always promised to do---no matter how scary that is!).

Those things are the reality of what happens when I'm not rooted and grounded in Him.  I become so self-focused and inward driven.  The more I obsess with me, the easier it is to stray from Him.  OUCH!  Did I really just type that out loud? :)

But there's this BEAUTIFUL reality.  When I stop wandering, I stop wondering.  When I purposely spend time in His word, my perspective changes.  Moving from self-focused to soul-focused is POWERFUL. It's where I go from head held low, emotionally in a pit----to head held high and victorious. 

But...

If I don't take that time...

The pit swallows up quicker than walking in mud in flip-flops! OK---think about that image.  Have you ever done that?  It just draws you deeper and deeper.  Every subsequent step feels more and more difficult.  And----if you're wearing those cheapy flip-flops---you'll probably even find that the straps might break.  Been there. Done that. (Ever run out in flip flops to quickly take the dog out and he decides to drag you along on a wild tangent that ALWAYS includes mud?  Maybe that's just our 4-legged crazy creature!)

Today, purpose your heart to not wonder who you are and what your value is.  My value, your value, comes from His inherent value. But to know that, to REALLY know that, we have to be spending time with HIM.  It's not enough to sit through a church service and consider that enough to silence the lies that Satan loves to whisper.  Even if you manage to go every single week or even twice a week, it's not enough. 

It's easy for me to know if I'm spending enough time with Him.  The days (weeks, months) that I'm letting the priority slide perfectly coincide with the same time frame that I'm struggling with worth, negativity, bitterness, anger, etc...  Unfortunately, my family and those relationships closest to me also know.  They are like an instant thermometer of my spiritual health.  It's not coincidence.

When God Changes Your Name

Recently, I was reading in Genesis where God changed the names of Abram and Sarai to Abraham and Sarah. It made me think also of another situation where He changed a name: Jacob to Israel.  I find it of pivotal importance when God steps in and does that.  To me, "whys" have always mattered (I'm not good at looking at things on just the surface) and what the benefit is of such significant changes. 

Abraham's and Sarah's names were changed to name them as "father of many nations" and "mother of many nations". (Genesis 17) Abraham was 99 years old when this happened and at this point he had no children.  God fulfilled that name change the following year when Sarah did finally conceive and give birth to Isaac (and she was 90!). Back in Chapter 15, God had shown Abraham that he would have descendants as countless as the stars in the sky. He was 75 at the time.  He had to wait about 25 years to see the beginning of that promise come true in his life.  Can you imagine how many doubts filled his mind throughout the years?  Can you imagine Sarah's disappointment each time she knew that "this" just wasn't the month, yet again? But when God stepped in....everything changed.  It wasn't an immediate fulfillment of a promise, there weren't immediate results of the name change, but it happened.  Through their stories, we learn to not give up when the timing seems so long to us.

Jacob became Israel in Genesis 33, changing him from a deceiver to a prince. Jacob, a grandson of Abraham, was living a life of deceit.  He deeply deceived his brother Esau and had to flee to Haran. Though he had a dream reminding him of God's covenant with Abraham, he still didn't make that needed life change.  A few years down the road, as a father of 12 sons (later becoming the 12 tribes of Israel), he continued to fight against family and lived a life of deceit, most especially with his uncle, Laban. Needing to return to Canaan, Jacob feared passing by his brother Esau that he previously fled from.  The night before arriving, Jacob wrestled with an angel of God throughout the night and was injured in his hip/thigh. It was at that time that Jacob was renamed Israel, which some say means "he struggles with God" and some say mean "having power with God." God changes his name and reminds him of his purpose, BUT he still struggled.  He changed the name and the man eventually changed to live up to that name, but it was a long hard process.  Through his story, we learn that real growth comes at times through struggle and pain.

Names are changed to give a new identity. 

In a few months, I'm going to have the chance to rediscover my own identity a bit.  I made the decision, with the full support of my husband, to completely step away from ALL childcare in my home for many reasons. There will be no more "tot" school and no more "littles" to love on.  A big change is ahead for me.  For the first time in about 19 years, I will be without a little one to care for (either my own or someone else's that I care for as deeply as my own) and won't have someone in diapers or potty training.  My role is changing.  Many things I've put off, I'll have a chance to begin or restart.  In many cases, it's going to be discovery mode. For half my life, I've been identified AND lived out a life that centers around small children.  I have had, even what some consider irrational, a DEEP love for little ones.  It's who I am.  Though I still love them and will have some deep withdrawal, I'm going to be going on adventure to see what other identities are within me.  That may be a bit of an "off balance" time as those changes take place.

Identity is important. 

What happens when God changes OUR names?
. 
When we turn our lives over to Him, our name does become Christian, but what if we took that a step deeper? We become a new creation with a new identity! What identity is that?

We change sinner to redeemed.

We change unworthy to deeply loved.

What if we stopped living as victims and let our name be VICTORIOUS? How would that change our actions, thought patterns, and the way we move about life?

We change from hopeless to with hope.

We go from abandoned to cherished.

This list goes on and on.

Yet, here's the problem.  This is where I'm guilty...

I don't walk in that new identity often enough. 

I stay in the old.  I crush my potential.  I don't succeed at fulfilling my purpose.  Wonder how many blessings have been lost, lives changed, or opportunities missed?

Yet, we ARE these new things.  When we encounter God's presence, HE CHANGES US. 

Our new identity is right there for us. 

But....

We have to embrace it. 
We have to grow into it.
Yes, we might even have to struggle through it.

Are we choosing our new name or staying stuck in our old ones?

Today, what if...

What if, we just took one little step that moved us towards LIVING out our identities in Christ.

Knowing who we are IN CHRIST changes everything.

Blind Faith?

Back in April, we found ourselves in a position that required us to completely place our trust in a team of medical providers in an unexpected emergency situation.  Our daughter, almost 18 at the time, had a relentless headache that just wouldn't respond to any of the typical at home remedies.  Since she has an extremely high pain tolerance, when she became unable to tolerate the pain, my husband and I decided a quick trip to convenient care was in order.  We figured they could give her something stronger than the ineffective over the counter meds and she'd come back home and sleep it off with some knock out drugs.  Our middle son was away on a church trip and was due to return in another hour or two, so my husband took her down the street to the walk in clinic while I took off for an intended quick 5K walk with our youngest.  Of course, as luck would have it, I was at the furthest point from home on foot when he called and said that the clinic wanted her taken to the ER.  Though I was in our neighborhood, I was still several minutes away from home and our son needed picked up soon, so it was decided they would go on to the ER (especially once I found out that the clinic was so adamant about her going that they had called ahead to the ER to alert them).  At the time, both dad and daughter were actually laughing because they thought the need to go was "ridiculous".  We are definitely not the type to just run to the doctor for every little sniffle and ER trips, in our eyes, are for the bleeding to death kind of emergencies.  Little did we know that we were about to be on a crazy roller coaster.

I made record time in getting home and then paced and prayed.  Paced some more.  If you know me, you know I'll clean like a crazy woman when I'm stressed.  We'll just say that while I was waiting for initial reports to find out what was going on, my kitchen became as spotless as it could possibly be.  I'm surprised I didn't rub a hole in the counter tops from shining them so much. 

She went in with a headache but the REAL problem was something was wrong with her heart.  She was sustaining a heartrate of no less than 200 beats per minute and at times was well beyond that. She was considered in Supraventricular Tachycardia (SVT).  She had extreme facial flushing and her extremities had become very mottled- purplish lace-like. However, she was laughing and still just as sweet and gracious to everyone around her.  Oh---she still had that MEGA headache that became unimportant. When my husband realized the headache wasn't even a concern to them at the time and more and more staff was being called into her room, he knew that I "probably" needed to find a way to get the boys and head to the hospital.  At that time, it was getting pretty late and I didn't have many options for the boys so we grabbed a backpack and went. 

What I didn't know was that I was walking in the hospital and being directed back to her "room", her room was filled to capacity with medical staff from multiple specialties as they gave a medicine to literally stop her heart.  They made the decision to stop it from beating in hopes that it would begin beating on its own again at a normal rhythm. Professionals stood by with cardiac crash cart in hand in case it didn't start on its own. 

What?

Are you kidding me?

You mean to tell me that my perfectly healthy, seldom EVER seen by a doctor, tiny and strong daughter was lying in a bed with her heart stopped by a medication in "hopes" that it would restart.  Normally.

(And no, I didn't have a CLUE at this point.  Dad was in the room, but he really didn't know what was going on either because it was a blur.)

Just seconds after her heart did beat again on its own, it again was beating at the same increased rate.  Though they were relieved that no additional medical intervention was required to restart it, she continued in SVT and that was becoming more and more troubling to them.  In came more staff and phone calls were being made to other hospitals with pediatric cardiologists on call.  At that time, I arrived and Kevin went to sit with the boys.  (Just knowing I was in the hospital, STANDING, instead of out cold on the floor was a miracle in itself.  I. Don't. Do. Hospitals.  Who am I kidding? I don't even do doctor's offices! My panic attacks from years prior with Peyton NOT ONCE surfaced during this whole time.  Miracle in itself right there!).

Her very sweet nurse came back in and told Adriana that in the next few minutes they were going to try that same thing again.  Though I wasn't aware of them doing it the first time since I was driving and hadn't been updated, I INSTANTLY knew what they were talking about.  I KNEW what was happening without explanation.  I knew THIS WAS SERIOUS.  She asked Adriana if she was prepared for that "feeling" again.  (She described it as the time she broke her ribs in gymnastics on the uneven bars, but a thousand times worse. That crushing pain of broken ribs and the wind knocked out of her lungs.)

In those moments, it was about BLIND FAITH.

Trusting in the knowledge of the professionals.  Believing they knew far more than I did.  Knowing that there was something serious enough going on to warrant something so drastic.  Letting them do what they needed to do and not standing in the way. Giving them full liberty to do anything and everything necessary, regardless of how uncomfortable, how difficult to see, or how unsure I was of what was happening.

THAT moment taught me MANY things (as did the whole roller coaster!)---but something that STOOD out ABOVE and BEYOND all else.

The "blind faith".

I trusted without question, no matter how much it heart my momma heart.

Do I do that same thing with Christ? Do I fully trust Him?

Or rather, do I fight him.  Argue with him.  Plead my case.

Do I trust when He says, "Wait."?  Do I let Him have the room to work in my life with full access? Do I trust Him when dreams aren't fulfilled?  Do I trust in the valleys? What about when I feel it's "unfair", too hard, too painful, or asking "too" much? What about when He asks the hard things?  Or what about when I'm defiant, stubborn, or too meek, fearful, or scared?

Really, it isn't about blind faith.  I read once that it's better described as "well-founded faith" and it has stuck with me.  I like that version much better.

I trusted the doctors because of their training, their knowledge, their skills, and their hands on experience.  I didn't trust them blindly as just a stranger on the street with no medical knowledge.  I had something to go on.  Yes, it required trust, but it wasn't completely blind.

Trusting in our Savior isn't any different.  In the life of a believer, that trust and faith is well-founded instead of blind.  We have His Word packed full of countless examples to strengthen our faith, teach us about Him, and show us how to live. We see His miracles.  We see how He lived, what He's capable of, just HOW POWERFUL He is. We can see prophesies fulfilled and promises kept.  Not only does scripture give us that basis, but also our real life.  We KNOW that He's at work in our lives.  We've seen Him at work in others. Above all, we have the Holy Spirit living in active within us. 

We aren't walking around blindly.

We are trusting in Well-founded faith.

Sometimes, we just need to remember that.  When we are afraid to trust or don't like our circumstances,  when we are going through some hard things or grieving the loss of someone or something valuable to us, when we feel abandoned, or.....  (insert an unending list...)

We also need to trust in that well-founded faith when we have to place our trust in situations that are out of our control.  Just like in the ER---I had to step back and say, "I trust you. I believe that you are doing the best for my daughter."  I didn't like what was happening.  I didn't want her uncomfortable.  I didn't want to feel completely surrendered and have to give up my control.  But...

It was necessary. 

Today, I know I need to say the same to my Heavenly Father. "I trust you.  I believe that you are doing the best for me (or this situation, or this person, etc...).  I'm struggling with giving you this control, but I know it's for my best.  You are at work.  I may not know what You are doing, I don't even necessarily find it comfortable.  But I trust.  You've always proven to be in control.  You are LORD of my life and I place my trust in YOU.  I hand to you my whole life, even the hidden parts and every situation." 

(On a side note for those not knowing how our "story" ended:  IT continued be a roller coaster.  Her heart stayed in that state of stress for several days landing her in CCU under full monitoring. Yes, she got crazy looks from every one coming in the door to care for her.  They expected to see an elderly patient hooked up to those monitors instead of a young girl. Though a medication could have been used to slow the heart rate, the approach was that it was more important to find the cause.  We couldn't just treat the symptoms.  As those days passed, few people knew just how many initial diagnosis thoughts were given to us, what was tested for, or how serious of a concern they had for her.  If it was a scary word or diagnosis, it was suggested as a possibility to be looked at and ruled out. As those days progressed, we began to have another issue of her white blood counts bottoming out and her platelets dropping.  Practically to non-existence, putting her at even greater risks.  Yes, she even eventually picked up the FLU on top of it all.  It was a LONG in hospital week, followed by several weeks of continued testing and sitting in oncology/hematology clinics waiting for results of those scary words.  EVERY SINGLE test came back as negative. Nothing could be found.  After about a month, her blood counts finally returned to normal (and yes she was a PINCUSHION after daily blood draws---they cringed seeing her come in because it was getting more and more difficult to get a vein.).  Her heart is still a bit on the faster side for someone in her healthy condition, but that slight elevation is probably a normal for her.  She is a tiny person to begin with (our munchkin was only 22 pounds at 2.5 years old!), but by the time that hospitalization was over she'd lost another 10% of her bodyweight.  Today, 7 months later, she's not quite gained back to her starting weight and still has a bit of energy lag at times, but ALL tests still remain normal.  Even with my history of Lupus and a great history of thyroid issues in both of our extended families, those tests even returned normal.  So medically speaking it was decided an unknown virus attacked her heart and blood system.  Quite possible.  But perhaps, God also intervened, placing another miracle right in our hands. She was healthy enough to go back to the Dominican Republic that summer without any restrictions.)

(On another side note:  that very special ER nurse happened to pass her while shopping in a fabric store many months later.  It was a providential meeting.  You see, our daughter made an incredible impact on her with her attitude while under such stress.  She took the time to THANK HER for taking care of her as she was being wheeled up to CCU and even after every invasive or uncomfortable procedure she would commend her for doing a good job.  We didn't remember her name and as is typical, once a person leaves the ER, it's not typical to know what happens after.  The nurse had always wondered about her "sweet crazy heart teen!" and was just floored to see her healthy and without long term complications.  She had feared the worst.  Then just last month, Adriana had the opportunity to do a clinical rotation in that ER as part of her EMT training, and it was a great moment to see her once again!  Go, God!)

Looking Forward

13 months.  THIRTEEN months.  Of silence.

But, I'm back.  Ready to jump back in, dust off the keyboard, and put my thought back to "paper" once again.

I felt like I needed to step back for awhile and at the time I had no idea that the whispers in my heart would continue to say, "keep waiting".  I finally felt like I had the "green light" to share what is on my heart once again, but that hit at the busiest season and time of life so I had to anxiously wait a bit longer. 

Now that I'm back, I don't intend to spend a lot of time giving you a run down of what has been going on the last 13 months of life!  I am sure that some of it will trickle down naturally through my future posts, but in general----it has been hard, it has been amazing, HE has done lots of REFINING and reshaping.  I will also say that my year of being 40 was phenomenal in regards to finding a new confidence (or as I like to say God-fidence!) to be ME, more and more every day. The inside work He's been doing makes me look forward with great anticipation! Ladies---here's a side note---don't fear 40!  It's actually freeing, fun, and worth celebrating. 

I'll admit---this getting back online feels GOOD, but my goodness I am rusty!  I couldn't even remember how to log on or even my own blog address.  It's. Been. That. Long.

I think it's important to look back and learn from our mistakes, but it's more important to also look forward. When I forget that, I remember being asked a question.  "Do you know why a car's rearview mirror is so small, but the windshield is so large?"  We DO need to see where we've been and occasionally have to look back, but it's vital to be looking forward and have a wide, unobscured view. 

Looking back, I took a break because of time constraints, my relationships weren't getting the best of me, I was letting "this" replace my individual one on one time with Him much too often, and dare-I-admit....my blog had become somewhat of an idol for me.  The Bible clearly says to kick those to the curb! (putting it in my own words).  An idol is anything that separates us or leads us astray from God.  I obviously didn't purposely worship my blog, but I placed it on a pedestal and it began to slowly become an idol in my heart.  Anything can become idols in our life.  Even good things.

I recently read an article from HomeLife magazine that was reprinted on Lifeway.com.(Full Article Here)  In this article, it summed it up really well.  Idols make empty promises, obscure reality, consume resources, and robs joy.  "Idolatry leaves you empty because idols are empty." Yes, that's where I found myself. 

Spiritual spring cleaning was in order (and a very much ongoing process).

I also had become VERY overwhelmed with sharing so much of my heart, my faith, and my hopes.  I TRULY wanted it to reach hearts and to be a ministry (STILL my main goal!), but I had become so broken and both emotionally and physically weighed down by wanting it to change hearts and not often seeing the fruits. 

I had forgotten that I can plant, BUT ONLY HE CAN MAKE IT GROW.

Looking forward is where my focus now rests.  I look forward with great anticipation.  My heart is in a new place and the door is wide open for Him to work.

I have clear goals now.

Be me.  No one else.
Step back anytime I feel that I'm putting Him second.
No getting caught up in numbers, comments, growth charts, etc.. My goal is for one.  Reach one.  Reach one more.
Remember that HE is the only one that can make ANYTHING grow. 

With that said, here's to a new adventure.  I'm currently reading "Simply Tuesday: Small Moment Living in a Fast-Moving World" by Emily Freeman.  She says it best:

We plant, trusting God for the growth.

We act in faith, trusting God for the outcome.

We build, trusting God to fill.

We offer, trusting God with the response.

I'm back.  Planting. Acting in faith.  Building without being responsible for filling.  Offering while trusting God.

Pretty sure that's a perfect way to be looking forward.