Last week was one such week for me.
I found myself knocked down with a flare-up that ended up with some very different symptoms than were not typical for me. I REFUSE to go the doctor almost always when I'm sick. I think it had actually been almost six years since the last time I gave in. Those that know me well know that I have a pretty big case of "white coat" syndrome and have a pretty big phobia of doctors/medical offices (mostly from the ordeal we faced with Peyton). I finally gave in and had Kevin take me to the clinic. Ended up that I had pneumonia and was having some serious heart rate issues while my body was fighting the infection.
Amazingly, within 24 hours of antibiotics and some breathing treatments, I was WELL on my way to feeling human again. The great thing about taking them so infrequently is that when you need them your body GREATLY benefits.
What I wasn't expecting was how much of a struggle it would be to take care of the simple tasks. I was warned that it would take awhile to feel normal, but I guess I thought I could avoid those warnings! Whew...not!
Fortunately, this week started incredibly better. I'm feeling a little more tired at the end of the day than typical, but I'm almost back to my energizer bunny self. My husband laughs and says that I get more accomplished when I'm sick than he does on a good day----but it's not a laughing matter to me. I felt run over and my to-do list was getting longer and more out of control. Thank goodness my energy is rebounding because our week is overloaded with extra activities and responsibilities.
Unfortunately, what I noticed this week was that while I was greatly improving physically, spiritually I wasn't. I was dragging far more than just in a physical sense.
Some great things had been happening and I should have been feeling contentment and confidence from having kept things on track while I was down. Kevin kept telling me how proud he was of the fact that we kept school on track, the house was "workable" (though not near my normal standards), I'd had a great time taking care of my babies, etc... Yet, I didn't feel it. I felt disconnect.
Then last night I realized WHY.
When I went in to survival mode of trying to keep one foot in front of the other, I let the most important relationship slip.
I let go of God being my number one priority. My one-on-one time with Him had slipped down my list.
Prayers become one line sentences and requests. "Help me". "Sustain me." "Thank you." Those type things.
While "those" are important and necessary, they lacked depth. They lacked truly getting in my heart and connecting.
I get up earlier than my kids and try to squeeze in some Bible reading and devotional studies before the babies arrive and before we start our school day.
I needed every last minute of sleep I could get, so I began to skip that time.
I planned on reading at night, but I collapsed in bed.
Truly connecting with Kevin and having our necessary in depth, heart-to-heart conversations also became few and far between. We reverted to the basics and the "necessary" discussions to keep the home afloat. "Don't forget to...." , "Will you...", and "Did you...." became the bulk of our conversations. It takes MUCH more than that to sustain and grow a healthy marriage.
No wonder I felt disconnect. No wonder that even in joyful moments, I didn't feel the same level of praise and thankfulness. No wonder I went to bed at night feeling a bit empty.
I'd let the most important things slip.
I'm not who I am and can't be who I'm created to be when I'm not putting my relationship with Christ FIRST. I can't operate in survival mode. He is my first love and I must ALWAYS remember that, even when life is difficult and overwhelming.
If that relationship isn't growing and strong, then my relationship with Kevin quickly can become stagnant and "normal". We aren't normal. We don't want to be normal. We want to be extraordinary and work hard to make sure our relationship reflects that.
Thank goodness my heart got the wake-up call that it needed. Though I needed physical healing and strength, my heart also needed a boost and to be fully connected to the source of life.
Priorities readjusted. Hearts reconnected. Operating from the source of life. Just in time.
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