Friday, March 18, 2011

Here I Am

"Mom, here I am". 

These four words are the first words I hear several mornings a week.  Bradlee is beginning to stay in his bed more and more often and if he hasn't sneaked in the room in the middle of the night and tucked himself under Kevin's arm without him waking up, these are the words I hear when he comes down early in the morning to snuggle with me.  I love how he has chosen to wake me up.  In his way, he's telling me to snuggle him.  Basically all I have to do when I hear those words is lift up my arm and the blankets and he climbs right in.  He is a FULL body snuggler and his little body just molds into mine and he goes right back to sleep buying me another hour or so of sleep (most days!).  If either of us don't get that snuggle time, we both wake up grouchy.  Bradlee is VERY touch oriented and craves his snuggle time.  He often greets me with "Mom, I love you." at random times during the day.  For a mom that realizes that time is ticking by WAY too quickly (just look at the fact that my "baby" starts high school next year! and my other "little" boy will hit double digits this year!), I'm thrilled to have those moments of mom being his entire world. 

This morning when he said those words and I groggily made space for him, I didn't go back to sleep.  I couldn't.  God woke me up instead.   My heart instantly whispered "God, Here I am."  It just happened.  I wasn't intentionally praying and truthfully I was still geared towards sleep mode.  Once I "heard" my soul say those words, I couldn't stop thinking about then.  I begin to just focus on that image.

I thought about the craving and need Bradlee has to be physically and emotionally connected to me.  He stops what he is doing at different times and comes to me to "reconnect".  At times, he is upset and needs reassurance.  Understandable.    Other times, it's completely random.  Whatever is going on in his little mind at the moment, he just wants to share it.  His personality just craves physical connection.

"God, Here I am".  I had just a very visual few moments of picturing myself in the same way saying those same words.  I could just picture God lifting His arm and the blankets, making just the PERFECT spot for me to fit right into Him----wrapping His arms and holding me tight!  The same comfort and acceptance that Bradlee experiences, I could feel in my own spirit.  Nothing but peace.   Nothing but comfort.  Nothing but acceptance.  Nothing but unconditional love!

Usually when I think of the words "God, Here I Am", the first thoughts that I think of are service.  God use me.  God I'm here to do what you ask.  Those are excellent thoughts and are the basis of what drives many of us to serve.  However, today didn't lean towards that.  It was just rest.  It was just peace.  It was! 

As much as Bradlee needs that time with me, I treasure those moments even more.  Perhaps that is what God was trying to get me to see.  Maybe He wanted me to see that He values that time with me just as much as I need it with Him.  Those times I spent with Bradlee are JUST about the two of us.  The rest of the world doesn't matter in those moments.  Maybe God wanted me to see that He values my time with Him just as much.  Time in His word, in prayer, and in praise---are extremely important---but I tend to forget about the "resting" in Him.  Just like those very rare times that Kevin and I don't have to rush out the door or when he doesn't get up before 4, mean so much to us.  Waking up in his arms leisurely restores balance to our crazy lives.  It's healing.  It's craved.  God showed me that time with Him was just as special.

The longer I thought about that comfort, He took me in a different direction.  I thought about all the times I've felt that disconnect from God.  We can all admit to going through those phases.  I remember countless times of calling out "God, Where are YOU!?"  We know the Bible tells us over and over that God never moves, he is consistent, and unshakable.  When we can't find Him, it's usually because WE have moved.  For me, I've usually built up walls and blocked him even though I thought I was seeking Him.  All of that time, He was right there telling me where to find Him.  Hurt. Bitterness. Anger. Sin. Jealousy. Ingratitude.  Doubts. Selfishness.  They were all the building blocks of the wall that caused separation.  All along, He was still right there.  Waiting.  Anticipating. Welcoming.

Perhaps in the future, instead of screaming "God, where are you?" I will instead remember to calmly whisper "God, here I am."  Then I will feel God lift his arm, smooth out the blankets, arrange the pillow and welcome me into just REST in His arms and know that if nothing else, ALL is RIGHT in my world for those few minutes. 

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