Tuesday, February 15, 2011

A Blank Canvas

Back  in this post  at the end of November, I talked about how at the start of the month we had embraced the month of November and were expecting it to be an amazing month for our family.  I talked about how we had a large dry erase board beside the entry to our garage.  On that board, I had left a message to Kevin about that excitement of November being "our month" for new beginnings after the losses we had experienced.  It was just a few short days later that we had our world turned further upside down with the shocking diagnosis that Dad had advanced cancer.  It also was filled with notes of love, encouragement, and the day to day scheduling of "life". 

As the days went on, I chose to keep that reminder on our wall.  I just couldn't bring myself to erase it.  Part of me was afraid that if I did, it would signal anger at God or even that I had given up hope that he would be healed.  Then after his death, I just couldn't do it.   To erase it felt like I was erasing that part of my life.

Last Wednesday I had another one of those "breakdowns", just generally speaking a very hard day.  Kevin and I usually lead the 3rd graders at 607 (our church mid-week program).  Knowing I just wasn't emotionally ready to be with 25+ 9 year olds, I stayed home and Kevin took care of the class.  In that quiet, solitude with no one around, I did it.  I erased it all.  It was emotional.  It was hard.  Yet, it was peaceful. 

Now we have this....
It's a blank slate.  Ready to be filled.  Waiting for life to continue on, just in a different direction.  Our notes of love, encouragement, crazy--goofiness, busy schedules.....everything can fill it back up again.  The question is will our lives be different?  Yes.  The question is how will our lives fill up that space in a PROFOUND way.  There is normally a header at the top that says:  Live, Love, Laugh, SIMPLIFY.  That was MY reminder to take a deep breath each day and to soak it in.  Moments are fleeting.  I ALREADY knew that, but NOW I know it in a much more powerful way.  I have yet to decide what the header will be now.  Maybe it will be our word for the year:  Purpose.  We are attempting to make EACH and EVERY action we take purposeful.  Maybe it will be faith and family.  Those two words speak volumes about the way we live our lives.  I don't know yet what will fill our blank canvas, but I pray that we always stop to take the time to make sure that each and everything that we do lifts each other up, binds our family together, builds our faith, and is a purposeful action.  Putting all those things together will transform a blank canvas into a beautiful work of art. 


Extraordinary Ordinary Life said...

Wow, what a wonderful post. You write beautifully.

Anonymous said...

Since your blog I have been thinking a lot about that blank slate. First of all I did realize that when I came home after church that the board was clean, no notes, no little ink blots missed when you erased a message that had served its purpose, it was cleaned on purpose. I didn’t think about it that deep at the time. I just thought it odd that you had completely cleaned it.

Maybe it is the “male” in me that can be so utterly clueless at times to the place my wife’s heart is in, or maybe it is just me not looking deep enough into your heart every day to see what you are feeling. Either way I missed a real opportunity that night to connect with you and instead just went on. I know that is the thing that hurts you the most about me and many people is how we just go on.

I am ready to help you fill that blank canvas with purposeful plans. Plans that include embracing the memory of what we have lost and helping to fulfill the legacy that was such a part of the one’s we loved lives. God is moving us and molding us for His purpose…and if I start looking for where your heart is every day then I can help to find what that purpose is. Your hear t truly is so wrapped up in Christ’s that the only way for me to find you is to seek Him first.

I love you and I love that you can see the good and purpose in so many things around you.