"She's fighting back. She won't be taken down. Her God will prevail and do a good work in her."
Those are the words that are seeping into my heart today.
I may be battling, struggling, on rocky ground....
Waiting.
Seeking.
Listening.
Searching.
I do have way too many browser tabs open in my head/heart and am seeking to simplify my heart and mind. I am struggling to find balance with meeting more needs than I can meet on my own. I do have some muck and mire to wade through. I do have some areas that I need to surrender to God to allow Him to do His work.
However, I know one of my biggest issues is that I've lost some of my "fire" because I'm not seeking Him above all things. I have once again found myself focusing on situations and circumstances and I'm focusing on the storm, instead of the Master!
But when I come back to the simplicity and shut out the rest of everything...I find Him. Already just waiting on me. He's not that hard to find, I'm just guilty of looking everywhere else first.
I tend to have a bad habit of getting caught up in the opinions of others too much. Even though it matters FAR less as I get older, I do find myself caught up in it much too much. When I begin to let the opinions of others shape me, I quickly find myself in a pit. One that drags me deeper, quickly.
I tend to overthink. (Ha, really?) I tend to worry. (Gets me no where, like a rocking chair!). I try to control too many things. (Surely not!). I tend to look at the things going wrong instead of celebrating the victories much too often.
So, as I go back to the basics. Go back to the truths. Go back to the goodness He has always provided.
I find Him. Waiting on me.
Ready to provide peace. Restore brokenness. Speak to my heart. Correct in love.
Whether I'm too busy to be in His word or in a season of life that is really chaotic and hard to focus (raising children IS chaos no matter what ages and stages!), I can't let that be an excuse. Because, frankly, it is NOTHING but an excuse. A pretty lame one. Because in His word...
IS life.
IS peace.
IS answers.
IS hope.
IS....
Everything.
It's a choice.
To renew my heart. Renew my mind. Communicate. Drink from the fountain.
Yesterday, I got in His word. With the wrong attitude at first. Just the let's "get this done" and over type attitude....and I got nothing. Duh!!! Then I did a heart check and went back with a teachable heart and the words filled my heart. Over and over. Answers and encouragement I needed just flowed from the pages.
Today, I found myself quickly slipping into a mindset that I didn't want to get a grip on me because I had read something on facebook that irritated me and caused my mind to wander to places that I'm seeking for God to restore. I had to make a choice: get deeper in the negativity (even though I would choose not to confront this person or verbally say anything in response----it was still creating havoc in my own heart) or transform my thought process. Making a choice to step away and refocus.
THIS time, I made the right choice.
I recognized the trigger, replaced it with truth, and learned.
It truly is about the renewing of the heart and mind. Making choices that are healthy! What I read wasn't the problem. My reaction to it was the problem. What I allowed it to do in my heart and mind was the problem.
I constantly gravitate to words of scripture that remind me of the power of the mind and transforming it. You'll see those written in various places around our home. Mostly because I NEED the reminder. I NEED to make the right choices and refocus my heart, mind, and priorities.
Today, I put in a Seeds Family Worship CD---a fantastic tool that I originally bought for our children, but quickly found it shaping my own heart even more. I just told my daughter to grab one out of the stack and put it in because I needed to change the direction of my heart. She happened to choose the 3rd one "Praise". Immediately, my heart did change. Drowning out the frustration. Calming my heart.
Then...
I kid you not....
The CD got stuck on a song. On repeat. Over and over. Yes, it's probably just a scratch or finger print (I do have multiple kids that aren't the most gentle with things!), but I also believe that the Holy Spirit can open our hearts in different ways. He just happened to grab mine deeper with a song STUCK on repeat.
The verses just grabbed me and held me tight. So very needed! Clinging to them like never before.
(The Song is The Rock Eternal taken from Isaiah 26:3-4)
"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD himself, is the Rock eternal."
That is a POWERFUL passage. That is where my heart and mind need to focus. Peace comes from trusting Him. He is the anchor. He is the ROCK.
Look away from the situations.
Look away from the triggers that pull me away from Him.
Focus back on Him.
My mind will become steadfast (unwavering, immovable, firmly fixed, focused, faithful) when I TRUST in Him. In perfect peace. Contentment. A place of stability.
That is WHAT I need.
That is ALL I need.
Answers: waiting right in scripture!
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Monday, July 14, 2014
Bumperguards
I tend to write from a place of vulnerability and honesty.
Bare with me as this post seems to be stepping deep into that honesty....
I'm walking around as a liar.
Well, at least that is what it feels like.
The last few months have been a time of struggle.
It's been incredible steps forward in faith and growth.
Followed by....
Crash.
Burn.
Collision.
Tumbling down.
Doubts.
Just struggles of faith.
On the outside, life has looked great. AND it truly has been.
Yet, on the inside...
It's been one storm after another.
My kids have jokingly called me their psycho mother. Though in a joking manner that we do all laugh at together about, reality is they've pretty much nailed it.
My boys purchased inexpensive R/C cars this weekend with their own money. Though my older son has an expensive "professional" type car that he worked and saved for, he doesn't play with it often because there is always a piece breaking and needing replaced. Constantly needing repairs that are out of budget. My younger son is just learning to really drive them on his own, so he wanted one that he could play with and not worry so much about tearing up. Knowing that we just don't often go out and make purchases, he knew that he would have to use his own money.
This morning, he brought me his car and was so proud of what he had done.
He had taken electrical tape and covered the edges and created basically bumper guards. As he's learning to drive, he was quickly learning that he was scratching the paint. He wanted to protect his "investment" during the transition phase.
When he handed it to me, I immediately felt the weight of the same thing in my own heart.
I've been walking around with my own bumper guards. Having dealt with unexpected trials and some very painful experiences in recent months, I had put many guard rails back up in my own life.
I'd stop investing in others as much emotionally. I poured into my husband and family, but began to step away from those outside my walls because I didn't want to risk feeling more hurt. I'd reached the point that I just didn't think I could handle anymore. Self protection mode.
We stopped praying for direction and doors to open as often in our desires to be on the foreign mission field because our direction has so obviously taken a detour as plans changed. To protect myself, I stopped reading my favorite blogs or interacting with those that are currently living out life in the way that we desire to be doing. As my heart still yearns for Africa, I pretty much stopped following anything to do with it.
Church---I'm just not as involved as I was. Some of that is for a good reason because there are current situations that require me to be more present in my own children's lives, investing in them as my first and most important ministry. Yet---it's also an excuse on some levels. My enthusiasm about attending has also been squashed as we have found ourselves floating and looking for our right fit again. Reality is----I'd also allowed walls to be built back up around my heart as I've had doubts of faith creep in. Not whether I believe in God, but whether or not I trust His plan. Saying I do and walking it out in faith are two different things.
I've watched families fall apart. Literally. I've watched marriages dissolve at such a rapid rate that it seemed like every time I picked up my phone or turned on my computer, someone else was hurting so deeply. I've watched multiple friends face grief over the death of a child, spouse, parent, dear friend, etc...
I've gone back in protection mode. Pulling away. Wrapping myself in bubble wrap. Shutting out and shutting down.
Then...
Things happened to rip those off. Not one little layer at a time. Not slowly and with ease.
Ripped.
I've been walking around feeling broken and empty, yet on the outside happy. I've had joy and I've had moments of growing faith, but on the inside....
It's been turmoil.
Depression crept back in.
Dissatisfaction and discontentment have tried to rear their ugly heads.
Comparison traps have snagged me more than once.
Anger, bitterness, and so many lies from the enemy have been speaking louder and louder.
Over the weekend, despite having just enjoyed an amazing week with my family and some precious visitors....
I broke.
Just literally broke.
I found myself at the bottom of that ugly pit. Reality trampled out and replaced with darkness.
But...
Thank you, Lord, ....
For the one that you gave me to love me through the valleys and to celebrate on the mountaintops with.
For the TRUTH of who I am, who YOU are, and YOUR goodness in all situations.
For the friends that see beyond what's on the outside and hang with me through the clawing back out to be the one you designed.
Thank you most of all for the life-lines of hope and strength. For tying the knots of the rope to hang on and climb. For the reminders that there is purpose in the times of struggle and that broken vessels are Your Specialty.
Today, I'm not fully back to myself. Wounds still ache and doubts still remain, but the voices of truth and the reaching of His healing hand is felt more powerfully than ever before.
I have no doubts that as He rebuilds, reshapes, and chisels out His plan---it will be a masterful one. I may only see a thread or two right now, but someday when I can step back and see the full tapestry. It. Will. Be. Beautiful.
Bare with me as this post seems to be stepping deep into that honesty....
I'm walking around as a liar.
Well, at least that is what it feels like.
The last few months have been a time of struggle.
It's been incredible steps forward in faith and growth.
Followed by....
Crash.
Burn.
Collision.
Tumbling down.
Doubts.
Just struggles of faith.
On the outside, life has looked great. AND it truly has been.
Yet, on the inside...
It's been one storm after another.
My kids have jokingly called me their psycho mother. Though in a joking manner that we do all laugh at together about, reality is they've pretty much nailed it.
My boys purchased inexpensive R/C cars this weekend with their own money. Though my older son has an expensive "professional" type car that he worked and saved for, he doesn't play with it often because there is always a piece breaking and needing replaced. Constantly needing repairs that are out of budget. My younger son is just learning to really drive them on his own, so he wanted one that he could play with and not worry so much about tearing up. Knowing that we just don't often go out and make purchases, he knew that he would have to use his own money.
This morning, he brought me his car and was so proud of what he had done.
He had taken electrical tape and covered the edges and created basically bumper guards. As he's learning to drive, he was quickly learning that he was scratching the paint. He wanted to protect his "investment" during the transition phase.
When he handed it to me, I immediately felt the weight of the same thing in my own heart.
I've been walking around with my own bumper guards. Having dealt with unexpected trials and some very painful experiences in recent months, I had put many guard rails back up in my own life.
I'd stop investing in others as much emotionally. I poured into my husband and family, but began to step away from those outside my walls because I didn't want to risk feeling more hurt. I'd reached the point that I just didn't think I could handle anymore. Self protection mode.
We stopped praying for direction and doors to open as often in our desires to be on the foreign mission field because our direction has so obviously taken a detour as plans changed. To protect myself, I stopped reading my favorite blogs or interacting with those that are currently living out life in the way that we desire to be doing. As my heart still yearns for Africa, I pretty much stopped following anything to do with it.
Church---I'm just not as involved as I was. Some of that is for a good reason because there are current situations that require me to be more present in my own children's lives, investing in them as my first and most important ministry. Yet---it's also an excuse on some levels. My enthusiasm about attending has also been squashed as we have found ourselves floating and looking for our right fit again. Reality is----I'd also allowed walls to be built back up around my heart as I've had doubts of faith creep in. Not whether I believe in God, but whether or not I trust His plan. Saying I do and walking it out in faith are two different things.
I've watched families fall apart. Literally. I've watched marriages dissolve at such a rapid rate that it seemed like every time I picked up my phone or turned on my computer, someone else was hurting so deeply. I've watched multiple friends face grief over the death of a child, spouse, parent, dear friend, etc...
I've gone back in protection mode. Pulling away. Wrapping myself in bubble wrap. Shutting out and shutting down.
Then...
Things happened to rip those off. Not one little layer at a time. Not slowly and with ease.
Ripped.
I've been walking around feeling broken and empty, yet on the outside happy. I've had joy and I've had moments of growing faith, but on the inside....
It's been turmoil.
Depression crept back in.
Dissatisfaction and discontentment have tried to rear their ugly heads.
Comparison traps have snagged me more than once.
Anger, bitterness, and so many lies from the enemy have been speaking louder and louder.
Over the weekend, despite having just enjoyed an amazing week with my family and some precious visitors....
I broke.
Just literally broke.
I found myself at the bottom of that ugly pit. Reality trampled out and replaced with darkness.
But...
Thank you, Lord, ....
For the one that you gave me to love me through the valleys and to celebrate on the mountaintops with.
For the TRUTH of who I am, who YOU are, and YOUR goodness in all situations.
For the friends that see beyond what's on the outside and hang with me through the clawing back out to be the one you designed.
Thank you most of all for the life-lines of hope and strength. For tying the knots of the rope to hang on and climb. For the reminders that there is purpose in the times of struggle and that broken vessels are Your Specialty.
Today, I'm not fully back to myself. Wounds still ache and doubts still remain, but the voices of truth and the reaching of His healing hand is felt more powerfully than ever before.
I have no doubts that as He rebuilds, reshapes, and chisels out His plan---it will be a masterful one. I may only see a thread or two right now, but someday when I can step back and see the full tapestry. It. Will. Be. Beautiful.
Friday, July 11, 2014
Reshaping Broken
Life lately:
It's been hard.
It's been amazing.
It's been trying.
It's been a season of growing.
It's been a time of reevaluation.
It's been a time of gratitude.
It's been eye opening and heart changing.
It's been beautiful.
It's been draining.
It's been slow.
It's been fast.
It's just been....
Ordinary and extraordinary.
I've never been more content and yet longing for some specific things at the same time.
I love where we are in life right now. We are drained, exhausted, and battling some pretty big mountains.
Yet, it's where we're finding God, each other, and a hunger and thirst for the simple, the purposeful, and the direct source of all things. The well of living water.
We're finding Him. Even in the swirling of chaos. In seasons of change. In times of uncertainty. In the rat race.
I'm finding just how beautiful redemption is. How broken pieces can be put back together. The repaired vessel may not look the same, may not even serve the same purpose...but oh my...it can have value and beauty.
In the quiet lately, I've thought often of the brokenness of life. Some of the deepest valleys I've been through or that my husband and I have faced together. I've thought of the times that we just knew we wouldn't make it together in situations or we felt like our faith wouldn't stay intact through trails that seemed too hard to handle.
I was wrong.
Strength comes from brokenness.
JOY comes from pain.
It DOES really take some brokenness to gain strength.
It really does.
It most definitely doesn't feel like it in the process and maybe even many years after the fact. But...dear ones....it does....some day. Perhaps even when you least expect it.
Exactly a week ago, an "anniversary" date of a very negative event in my life came and went. For what seemed like a lifetime, this situation felt like it defined me. It broke me. It broke some plans in my life. It changed me. Even years beyond the time that I felt like I had healed the majority of the scars, it still shaped me. In many ways, it shaped me for the better (after LOTS of time had gone by). It closed doors that needed to be closed (perhaps some never should have opened to begin with) and with time it opened doors God had intended from the beginning. But.... I still felt like it defined me.
I found that for the first time, I didn't even find myself thinking about this dark time. It came and went without even a flash. Life was busy and I didn't really have time to slow down and think about much of anything to begin with, but that typically hasn't mattered. It wasn't until after the fact that I realized the day had come and gone without even a flash of regret, hurt, or anything of the such.
It was a defining moment.
I realized that the broken pieces had been put back together and sealed. No longer leaking along the glued places.
What I realize is that God had been at work in the healing for many years, but the vessel was finally ready to be held together without resistance. Just like when I'm repairing something like a broken chair or picture frame (which we tend to have lots of experience in this house with!), the clamp/grip is necessary for a certain amount of time. It's needed to hold the pieces in place while the glue has time to dry and strengthen. God has been that grip on my heart for many years as I've navigated through multiple difficult places. On this particular broken place, it feels like He knew I was ready to have that clamp removed. It was time.
And the brokenness was ready.
Realizing how much more I need to allow that to happen in other areas. Ready to feel the grips released and see the new vessel. See the new purpose. Find out the hidden strength.
Ready to be reshaped, renewed, and reliant on Him.
I am redeemed.
Time to walk in that redemption.
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Get Fit (Wisdom)
I'll be honest. My time in scripture has been a struggle the last couple of weeks. I recently finished going back slowly through the NT start to finish highlighting and taking notes. Having completed the Bible in 90 days program multiple times as a reader and as a leader, I craved the going back through slowly and soaking it in. Finishing left me floundering with "what now". I couldn't get back into a rhythm and my focus was lacking. I tried a couple of "plans" but didn't last more than a day or two because I just couldn't connect.
Then....
He took me back to Proverbs.
One of the places He can work the greatest power in my life.
This morning, He reached in and grasped my heart and started shaping and directing and I'm ready to see what He has waiting.
He really grabbed me in the beginning of chapter 2 (specifically verses 1-5).
Though I've read those words numerous times, they really got my attention today.
Those verses are COVERED in action verbs. Every few words are words that require action.
If you want to lose weight, get healthy, etc... you have two ways to effectively do it and it last long term. No quick fixes, but real long term lifestyle changes. You change the way you eat and you get active. To get fit, you have to change what you put in your body and how you move your body. No overnight miracle drugs. No quick results.
After reading those verses, the same thing hit my heart about wisdom. I have to change the way I feed my mind/heart and I have to get active.
ACCEPT my words
STORE up my commands within you
TURNING your ear
APPLYING your heart to understanding
CALL out for insight
CRY aloud for understanding
LOOK for it
SEARCH for it
....THEN you WILL understand the fear of the LORD
The rest of the chapters goes on to tell about the incredible benefits of His wisdom.
It doesn't say wisdom will just happen. It doesn't say it's a gift handed over without effort. Not arbitrarily given.
Weight loss doesn't happen by just looking at the scale.
Wisdom isn't going to happen just by holding His word in my hand. It HAS to be in my heart. I have to crave it. I have to seek it with all I have. Put His word into action. Walk in His ways obediently.
I can't do that if my eyes are off of Him and focused on circumstances, doubts, or fears.
I can't do that if I'm harboring bitterness, anger, jealousy, etc...
I can't do that if I'm not applying His words to my life.
It just isn't possible.
I can't sit down with a gallon of ice-cream or box of doughnuts if I want to be healthy.
I can't sit on the couch with my feet propped up if I want to be heart healthy.
Neither can I act in wisdom that I greatly desire if I'm not actively pursing Him. Running after Him. Feasting in His word. Fasting from worldly pleasures. Pouring out of myself to find Him.
It's just not going to "just" happen without the effort.
Nor are results going to happen completely overnight. Granted, I believe that He does pour out wisdom at times because I've experienced His strength in my weakest moments and His direction spoken clearly to my heart when I've needed it most. However, if I want that to be the NORMAL instead of the UNEXPECTED, I have to actively be getting fit. Fit through Him.
A daughter seeking wisdom.
His child.
Soaking Him in.
Accepting. Storing. Turning. Applying. Seeking. Calling out. Crying out. Looking. Searching.
Then....
He took me back to Proverbs.
One of the places He can work the greatest power in my life.
This morning, He reached in and grasped my heart and started shaping and directing and I'm ready to see what He has waiting.
He really grabbed me in the beginning of chapter 2 (specifically verses 1-5).
Though I've read those words numerous times, they really got my attention today.
Those verses are COVERED in action verbs. Every few words are words that require action.
If you want to lose weight, get healthy, etc... you have two ways to effectively do it and it last long term. No quick fixes, but real long term lifestyle changes. You change the way you eat and you get active. To get fit, you have to change what you put in your body and how you move your body. No overnight miracle drugs. No quick results.
After reading those verses, the same thing hit my heart about wisdom. I have to change the way I feed my mind/heart and I have to get active.
ACCEPT my words
STORE up my commands within you
TURNING your ear
APPLYING your heart to understanding
CALL out for insight
CRY aloud for understanding
LOOK for it
SEARCH for it
....THEN you WILL understand the fear of the LORD
The rest of the chapters goes on to tell about the incredible benefits of His wisdom.
It doesn't say wisdom will just happen. It doesn't say it's a gift handed over without effort. Not arbitrarily given.
Weight loss doesn't happen by just looking at the scale.
Wisdom isn't going to happen just by holding His word in my hand. It HAS to be in my heart. I have to crave it. I have to seek it with all I have. Put His word into action. Walk in His ways obediently.
I can't do that if my eyes are off of Him and focused on circumstances, doubts, or fears.
I can't do that if I'm harboring bitterness, anger, jealousy, etc...
I can't do that if I'm not applying His words to my life.
It just isn't possible.
I can't sit down with a gallon of ice-cream or box of doughnuts if I want to be healthy.
I can't sit on the couch with my feet propped up if I want to be heart healthy.
Neither can I act in wisdom that I greatly desire if I'm not actively pursing Him. Running after Him. Feasting in His word. Fasting from worldly pleasures. Pouring out of myself to find Him.
It's just not going to "just" happen without the effort.
Nor are results going to happen completely overnight. Granted, I believe that He does pour out wisdom at times because I've experienced His strength in my weakest moments and His direction spoken clearly to my heart when I've needed it most. However, if I want that to be the NORMAL instead of the UNEXPECTED, I have to actively be getting fit. Fit through Him.
A daughter seeking wisdom.
His child.
Soaking Him in.
Accepting. Storing. Turning. Applying. Seeking. Calling out. Crying out. Looking. Searching.
Monday, June 16, 2014
"Let it Go!"
It's been a month of being "quiet" so to speak.
Not much in the blogging world and not so much in facebook world other than posting pictures of life with our family and life with our sweet littles.
But...
Oh my.
My heart has been anything but quiet.
It's been screaming. It's been screeching. It's been tugging. Pulling. Reshaping.
I finally found the right words to describe where it's been.
"Let it Go!"
Now, if you haven't been living in seclusion and have any access to children, these three words may haunt you, especially in sing song form. If you've been around any children in the last few months, you've probably heard this song from "Frozen" a fewhundred million times. As a matter of fact, this song may have been sung or lip-synched by ADULTS just as many times.
I realized that these words have become the anthem of life lately.
It's been a process of letting go.
But...
Holy goodness is that hard to do sometimes!
Letting toxic relationships go even though I grieve for what could have been and SHOULD have been.
Letting go of "my" plans, "my" dreams, etc.. so they can be realigned into HIS plans. As our specific plans for the mission field have taken a door temporarily closed sign, we impatiently patiently wait for the correct door to open. Looking for direction and "the" path He has chosen. We know without a doubt it is there, we just wait for the correct steps and direction. It most likely looks differently than we expected, but that doesn't make our desires wrong. He just has a different plan.
Letting go of things I can not control. Whoa, baby---that's tough for a reformed control freak. Learning that though I say I trust in God (which I whole heartedly do), I still have sticky fingers. I give it to Him and take it back. Just like the back and forth motion of a rocking chair, you just don't really make forward progress that way.
Letting go the weight of knowing you can not heal a broken person, broken marriage, broken heart, etc... of those you love and care for. I can pray and I can support, but the "repair" can only come from Christ and the Holy Spirit. As a fixer---that's a hard spot to constantly find yourself in.
Letting go of having things "my" way---and seeking to walk in His grace and mercy instead of demanding things line up "my" way. Whether it's in regards to future planning, a new school year, scheduling, ministry, daily responsibilities, behavior of those I care for, etc... Stepping back and learning to let my grasp be held a little less tighter.
Letting go physically as our children move into new stages of life---one nearing adulthood, one about to step into the teen years, and one beginning to make independent choices. Trusting God with the future and where HE wants them, what HE has designed for them, and completely entrusting....that's a heavy weight, but a necessary one to release.
Letting go as WE are physically entering new stages of life. As a couple, we approach 40 and 50 this year. We will have been married 20 years next year. We definitely see ourselves in new ways (most GREAT) and we are learning to let go of who we were, who we are, and seek to be who He wants us to be.
Letting go of thinking that it "all" falls on me. Learning that I am responsible for planting the seed, cultivating the soil...BUT HE is the one that makes it grow. This is becoming especially important in matters of the heart and soul of my children.
Letting go (though EVER so slowly) of the lies that have plagued my heart for years from listening to the world's version of what my life should be like, the lies of Satan, or the doubts/scars that have taken so long to heal.
Letting go as the grieving process continues. Father's Day hit me unexpectedly hard again yesterday. I keep thinking it won't, but it never fails. So many losses have been heavy on so many hearts this year and especially recently. Grieving has become a path that so many are walking. Life has become heavy for countless. Teens from my community back home have died in very recent days and recent months, extended family is going through grief from the murder of a young father, multiple families are going through illnesses that medical intervention no longer can help, etc.. Letting go to know that the only way to navigate through such heartbreak is to know that our true place of comfort and rest is in Him. As I talked about often through our journey with Dad, we for years had talked the talk of faith and now we were having to walk the walk. Continuing to walk that faith walk and keeping my eyes on Him when my heart gets blinded by the brokenness.
Though I've been letting go, I'm learning there are things that I do not EVER want to let go of.
Just last night, my little guy was snuggled in next to me just before he went up to bed. The day was officially ending on his 8th birthday (ouch!!!---my youngest is not so itty bitty now!). He hugged me tighter and tighter and I was squeezing back until we both were about to pop. He said, "Mom, I just don't want to let go."
Oh my. goodness....
If he only knew what his Momma's heart was thinking.
I don't want to let go of those sweet moments either. Just so precious.
I'm not going to let go of the joy that life brings even through disappointment, struggles, and heartache.
I'm not going to let go of my faith in Him. My desire to know Him more and my desire to be less of me and more of Him.
I'm not going to let go of the values and beliefs that I hold so dearly, no matter what direction the world says is normal.
I'm not going to let go of loving passionately and completely, even when at times that love and care from others isn't returned. I'm not going to stop caring and offering of myself, even when it seems one sided effort. This one has been a TOUGH one lately.
I'm not going to let go of raising our children differently. God entrusted us with these precious blessings and has called us to parent under His direction.
I'm not going to let go of putting my marriage second only to Christ because of the lessons learned from not having those priorities in proper order. I'm not going to stop being my husband's greatest supporter and cheerleader. Not going to stop thanking God every single day for the blessing he is in my life.
I'm not letting go of the belief that when one door closes, another one opens. God's "no" is just a "yes" to something greater.
Letting go and not letting go.
That's the dance we are learning.
And yes----I make no apologies to those that now have "Let it Go" stuck back in their head.
Go ahead.
Sing it out loud.
As a matter of fact, stand up and dance.
Big hand motions have bonus points. After all, one of my two year old littles not only knows the song word for word, but also knows exactly what hand motions to do! She'll also let you know QUICKLY if you mess up on the words.
But I'm singing and dancing anyway.....
I just close the blinds first.
:)
Not much in the blogging world and not so much in facebook world other than posting pictures of life with our family and life with our sweet littles.
But...
Oh my.
My heart has been anything but quiet.
It's been screaming. It's been screeching. It's been tugging. Pulling. Reshaping.
I finally found the right words to describe where it's been.
"Let it Go!"
Now, if you haven't been living in seclusion and have any access to children, these three words may haunt you, especially in sing song form. If you've been around any children in the last few months, you've probably heard this song from "Frozen" a few
I realized that these words have become the anthem of life lately.
It's been a process of letting go.
But...
Holy goodness is that hard to do sometimes!
Letting toxic relationships go even though I grieve for what could have been and SHOULD have been.
Letting go of "my" plans, "my" dreams, etc.. so they can be realigned into HIS plans. As our specific plans for the mission field have taken a door temporarily closed sign, we impatiently patiently wait for the correct door to open. Looking for direction and "the" path He has chosen. We know without a doubt it is there, we just wait for the correct steps and direction. It most likely looks differently than we expected, but that doesn't make our desires wrong. He just has a different plan.
Letting go of things I can not control. Whoa, baby---that's tough for a reformed control freak. Learning that though I say I trust in God (which I whole heartedly do), I still have sticky fingers. I give it to Him and take it back. Just like the back and forth motion of a rocking chair, you just don't really make forward progress that way.
Letting go the weight of knowing you can not heal a broken person, broken marriage, broken heart, etc... of those you love and care for. I can pray and I can support, but the "repair" can only come from Christ and the Holy Spirit. As a fixer---that's a hard spot to constantly find yourself in.
Letting go of having things "my" way---and seeking to walk in His grace and mercy instead of demanding things line up "my" way. Whether it's in regards to future planning, a new school year, scheduling, ministry, daily responsibilities, behavior of those I care for, etc... Stepping back and learning to let my grasp be held a little less tighter.
Letting go physically as our children move into new stages of life---one nearing adulthood, one about to step into the teen years, and one beginning to make independent choices. Trusting God with the future and where HE wants them, what HE has designed for them, and completely entrusting....that's a heavy weight, but a necessary one to release.
Letting go as WE are physically entering new stages of life. As a couple, we approach 40 and 50 this year. We will have been married 20 years next year. We definitely see ourselves in new ways (most GREAT) and we are learning to let go of who we were, who we are, and seek to be who He wants us to be.
Letting go of thinking that it "all" falls on me. Learning that I am responsible for planting the seed, cultivating the soil...BUT HE is the one that makes it grow. This is becoming especially important in matters of the heart and soul of my children.
Letting go (though EVER so slowly) of the lies that have plagued my heart for years from listening to the world's version of what my life should be like, the lies of Satan, or the doubts/scars that have taken so long to heal.
Letting go as the grieving process continues. Father's Day hit me unexpectedly hard again yesterday. I keep thinking it won't, but it never fails. So many losses have been heavy on so many hearts this year and especially recently. Grieving has become a path that so many are walking. Life has become heavy for countless. Teens from my community back home have died in very recent days and recent months, extended family is going through grief from the murder of a young father, multiple families are going through illnesses that medical intervention no longer can help, etc.. Letting go to know that the only way to navigate through such heartbreak is to know that our true place of comfort and rest is in Him. As I talked about often through our journey with Dad, we for years had talked the talk of faith and now we were having to walk the walk. Continuing to walk that faith walk and keeping my eyes on Him when my heart gets blinded by the brokenness.
Though I've been letting go, I'm learning there are things that I do not EVER want to let go of.
Just last night, my little guy was snuggled in next to me just before he went up to bed. The day was officially ending on his 8th birthday (ouch!!!---my youngest is not so itty bitty now!). He hugged me tighter and tighter and I was squeezing back until we both were about to pop. He said, "Mom, I just don't want to let go."
Oh my. goodness....
If he only knew what his Momma's heart was thinking.
I don't want to let go of those sweet moments either. Just so precious.
I'm not going to let go of the joy that life brings even through disappointment, struggles, and heartache.
I'm not going to let go of my faith in Him. My desire to know Him more and my desire to be less of me and more of Him.
I'm not going to let go of the values and beliefs that I hold so dearly, no matter what direction the world says is normal.
I'm not going to let go of loving passionately and completely, even when at times that love and care from others isn't returned. I'm not going to stop caring and offering of myself, even when it seems one sided effort. This one has been a TOUGH one lately.
I'm not going to let go of raising our children differently. God entrusted us with these precious blessings and has called us to parent under His direction.
I'm not going to let go of putting my marriage second only to Christ because of the lessons learned from not having those priorities in proper order. I'm not going to stop being my husband's greatest supporter and cheerleader. Not going to stop thanking God every single day for the blessing he is in my life.
I'm not letting go of the belief that when one door closes, another one opens. God's "no" is just a "yes" to something greater.
Letting go and not letting go.
That's the dance we are learning.
And yes----I make no apologies to those that now have "Let it Go" stuck back in their head.
Go ahead.
Sing it out loud.
As a matter of fact, stand up and dance.
Big hand motions have bonus points. After all, one of my two year old littles not only knows the song word for word, but also knows exactly what hand motions to do! She'll also let you know QUICKLY if you mess up on the words.
But I'm singing and dancing anyway.....
I just close the blinds first.
:)
Monday, May 19, 2014
Off the Shelf, Out of the Cabinet
In a few months, Kev and I will have been married 19 years.
We've moved 13+ times. It may have been more, I've truly lost count.
After 3 kids, 2 of which are boys and one of which inherited his mom's klutz genes and bless his heart, broke nearly anything not bolted down (oh wait, he got some of those as well!)...
Very few things from our wedding showers and newlywed days remain unbroken, still working, or not completely worn out.
However, this is one big exception.
I cherish it.
My wedding china.
All except for one plate that specially hangs on the wall with a piece from my grandmother and my stepmother, they are protected.
They are treasured and valued. They are gently tucked away carefully wrapped, sealed, and cushioned. They are in safe place.
They only come out for special occasions. Though I have been purposely redefining what a special occasion is and finding excuses to use them more in the every day, for the most part they stay tucked away.
Only brought out when needed.
Only brought out to impress or set a specific mood.
Only brought out when really thought about.
Only brought out when I want them out.
In many of our homes, in many of our daily lives, we have something else that is quickly becoming treated the same way.
Our Bibles. Scripture. His Word.
We can tend to pull it out only when needed. We treat it like the special occasion china instead of our everyday Corelle dinner plates. (I finally got a new set for Mother's Day----and oh did that make me smile! That was another last of the original wedding gifts that had been used well beyond its prime!).
If we aren't careful we can pull it out as a means to "impress", but not actually apply. Being honest and transparent, don't we all have verses that we may can quote or recognize, but seldom faithfully apply to our lives. Ouch.
We may even read it in passing, but we don't cherish it. We don't protect it. We don't value it like we should.
We don't huger for it.
We don't meditate on it.
We'd rather let someone else read it to us on a Sunday morning or on a favorite blog, but we don't dig in it for ourselves.
When we do, it sometimes is just out of desperation because we feel like we've exhausted every other resource first. We've sought counsel, we've read books, looked online for answers, talked to countless friends....
But....
We've gone to the SOURCE, last.
We're not even trying to protect it like fine china. That's not even our excuse.
We're just ignoring it.
Letting life get in the way of our priorities.
Letting the lies of satan speak too us too often and too loud.
We think we don't need it.
We think we can handle things on our own.
Yet, we often wonder why we can't hear from God/why He seems so out of reach?
"O beloved, I plead with you not to treat God's promises as something to be displayed in a museum but to use them as everyday sources of comfort. And whenever you have a time of need, trust in the Lord." Charles H Spurgeon
We've got to get back to the basics. We've got to get back to our true source of life.
Life is hard. It's messy. Dreams can fall apart. Marriages and families are breaking apart. Right is being professed as wrong, and wrong is being taught as normal. Life doesn't seem to be black and white, the lines of gray have overtaken. We get in over our heads. We have more questions than we even know how to ask.
The only way to navigate life and to grow and THRIVE (not merely survive)...
Is to dig.
Deeper.
Every day in His word.
Not putting it up on a shelf.
Not pulling it out just for Sunday morning (if even then).
Not just grasping on with both hands and all we are worth when storms hit.
We've got to get in it and learn from it EVERY day. In the calm. To survive the storm.
Because the storms come. More often than ever it seems.
We can't give to others what we don't have in our own hearts. Our own wells are too empty and depleted.
We can't understand our purpose, our calling, our value if we don't know what God has for us.
We can't understand the impact of His mercy and grace if we don't know its value.
We need to get back to finding a thirst that can only be satisfied when we drink deeply from His word.
Even if we don't know where to start, we have to pick it up and start somewhere.
Every time I look at my china hanging on the kitchen wall, I'm reminded that life is too short to keep the rest boxed up, overly protected for "just" the right occasion.
Every day might just be the best occasion.
We've moved 13+ times. It may have been more, I've truly lost count.
After 3 kids, 2 of which are boys and one of which inherited his mom's klutz genes and bless his heart, broke nearly anything not bolted down (oh wait, he got some of those as well!)...
Very few things from our wedding showers and newlywed days remain unbroken, still working, or not completely worn out.
However, this is one big exception.
I cherish it.
My wedding china.
All except for one plate that specially hangs on the wall with a piece from my grandmother and my stepmother, they are protected.
They are treasured and valued. They are gently tucked away carefully wrapped, sealed, and cushioned. They are in safe place.
They only come out for special occasions. Though I have been purposely redefining what a special occasion is and finding excuses to use them more in the every day, for the most part they stay tucked away.
Only brought out when needed.
Only brought out to impress or set a specific mood.
Only brought out when really thought about.
Only brought out when I want them out.
In many of our homes, in many of our daily lives, we have something else that is quickly becoming treated the same way.
Our Bibles. Scripture. His Word.
We can tend to pull it out only when needed. We treat it like the special occasion china instead of our everyday Corelle dinner plates. (I finally got a new set for Mother's Day----and oh did that make me smile! That was another last of the original wedding gifts that had been used well beyond its prime!).
If we aren't careful we can pull it out as a means to "impress", but not actually apply. Being honest and transparent, don't we all have verses that we may can quote or recognize, but seldom faithfully apply to our lives. Ouch.
We may even read it in passing, but we don't cherish it. We don't protect it. We don't value it like we should.
We don't huger for it.
We don't meditate on it.
We'd rather let someone else read it to us on a Sunday morning or on a favorite blog, but we don't dig in it for ourselves.
When we do, it sometimes is just out of desperation because we feel like we've exhausted every other resource first. We've sought counsel, we've read books, looked online for answers, talked to countless friends....
But....
We've gone to the SOURCE, last.
We're not even trying to protect it like fine china. That's not even our excuse.
We're just ignoring it.
Letting life get in the way of our priorities.
Letting the lies of satan speak too us too often and too loud.
We think we don't need it.
We think we can handle things on our own.
Yet, we often wonder why we can't hear from God/why He seems so out of reach?
"O beloved, I plead with you not to treat God's promises as something to be displayed in a museum but to use them as everyday sources of comfort. And whenever you have a time of need, trust in the Lord." Charles H Spurgeon
We've got to get back to the basics. We've got to get back to our true source of life.
Life is hard. It's messy. Dreams can fall apart. Marriages and families are breaking apart. Right is being professed as wrong, and wrong is being taught as normal. Life doesn't seem to be black and white, the lines of gray have overtaken. We get in over our heads. We have more questions than we even know how to ask.
The only way to navigate life and to grow and THRIVE (not merely survive)...
Is to dig.
Deeper.
Every day in His word.
Not putting it up on a shelf.
Not pulling it out just for Sunday morning (if even then).
Not just grasping on with both hands and all we are worth when storms hit.
We've got to get in it and learn from it EVERY day. In the calm. To survive the storm.
Because the storms come. More often than ever it seems.
We can't give to others what we don't have in our own hearts. Our own wells are too empty and depleted.
We can't understand our purpose, our calling, our value if we don't know what God has for us.
We can't understand the impact of His mercy and grace if we don't know its value.
We need to get back to finding a thirst that can only be satisfied when we drink deeply from His word.
Even if we don't know where to start, we have to pick it up and start somewhere.
Every time I look at my china hanging on the kitchen wall, I'm reminded that life is too short to keep the rest boxed up, overly protected for "just" the right occasion.
Every day might just be the best occasion.
Friday, May 9, 2014
A Challenge...
We see the news headlines.
It's in our face 24/7 through social media.
We see it with our eyes and hear it with our ears just walking out the door.
Our world is a scary place to live in and raise children.
We are quick to talk about how the youth of this generation is spiritually/morally bankrupt.
I'm not going to deny that it IS a huge issue. I'm not going to debate the causes (for now!).
However, I am going to issue a challenge. I'm accepting the challenge and hope others will as well.
Today....
Find the one.
Find the teen/young adult that is making smart choices. The one that is making small or big decisions that are putting them on a path that the world doesn't celebrate as normal. The one that is feeling invisible and alone. The one that is working hard, showing respect, or learning valuable lessons about being a productive adult in an all "about me" society.
As an adult, it is HARD to live differently than the world at times. It is exponentially harder to do so as a youth. We used to call it "peer pressure". In this day in age, it goes FAR beyond just pressure from peers. They feel pressure of the entire world. Literally.
Over the last several weeks, I've listened to my daughter just talk about what she sees in her world. So many truly broken hearts. The battles that our sons and daughters face in this world are NOT insignificant and trivial. Almost daily she shares of someone heavy on her heart that is navigating brokenness. She often shares of how hard it is for this generation to feel confident to do the right thing, unfortunately even amongst those of faith.
Listening to her (and even recently to our older son as he every so slowly begins to share things in his world) convicted my own heart.
They NEED our support.
They NEED us.
They NEED someone to simply just say, "I saw that. Thank you."
They NEED someone to just tell them, "Don't give up."
They NEED someone to just let them know that there is hope through the brokenness.
They NEED to know they are not alone and that we ALL struggle with something.
They NEED a smile, a laugh, a hug.
They NEED to know we are approachable.
They NEED to know WE FAIL.
Today, find the one....the one in your daily life. The one in the market place that holds the door. The one that shows up on time and ready to work. The one that you know made a hard decision, but did the right thing. The one that chose to dress in a way that shows their inner beauty through modesty (which can still be VERY fashionable), instead of revealing. The one that is studying hard or putting in the extra effort in their extracurricular activity. The one that......
Maybe it's even the one that you don't know well. The one that you just "sense" needs a bit of encouragement. We don't necessarily have to know every detail of what is happening to know that they are hurting.
As moms, we often talk about how we might struggle with feeling invisible. How no one seems to notice or doesn't care about the effort we put in, the sacrifices we make, or how exhausted we are some days. We can definitely have those days and feelings. We can often feel deflated and truly just struggle through those emotions.
I think we have a generation of youth feeling the same way.
They need to know we notice and care.
It's easy to overlook them with the headlines around us. It's easy to overlook them when what we see outside our door draws our attention in a negative way.
Let's challenge ourselves to search for the positives and support it. They need our support. They need the encouragement to keep making the hard decisions.
They need to know that their light is shining in a dark world.
It's in our face 24/7 through social media.
We see it with our eyes and hear it with our ears just walking out the door.
Our world is a scary place to live in and raise children.
We are quick to talk about how the youth of this generation is spiritually/morally bankrupt.
I'm not going to deny that it IS a huge issue. I'm not going to debate the causes (for now!).
However, I am going to issue a challenge. I'm accepting the challenge and hope others will as well.
Today....
Find the one.
Find the teen/young adult that is making smart choices. The one that is making small or big decisions that are putting them on a path that the world doesn't celebrate as normal. The one that is feeling invisible and alone. The one that is working hard, showing respect, or learning valuable lessons about being a productive adult in an all "about me" society.
As an adult, it is HARD to live differently than the world at times. It is exponentially harder to do so as a youth. We used to call it "peer pressure". In this day in age, it goes FAR beyond just pressure from peers. They feel pressure of the entire world. Literally.
Over the last several weeks, I've listened to my daughter just talk about what she sees in her world. So many truly broken hearts. The battles that our sons and daughters face in this world are NOT insignificant and trivial. Almost daily she shares of someone heavy on her heart that is navigating brokenness. She often shares of how hard it is for this generation to feel confident to do the right thing, unfortunately even amongst those of faith.
Listening to her (and even recently to our older son as he every so slowly begins to share things in his world) convicted my own heart.
They NEED our support.
They NEED us.
They NEED someone to simply just say, "I saw that. Thank you."
They NEED someone to just tell them, "Don't give up."
They NEED someone to just let them know that there is hope through the brokenness.
They NEED to know they are not alone and that we ALL struggle with something.
They NEED a smile, a laugh, a hug.
They NEED to know we are approachable.
They NEED to know WE FAIL.
Today, find the one....the one in your daily life. The one in the market place that holds the door. The one that shows up on time and ready to work. The one that you know made a hard decision, but did the right thing. The one that chose to dress in a way that shows their inner beauty through modesty (which can still be VERY fashionable), instead of revealing. The one that is studying hard or putting in the extra effort in their extracurricular activity. The one that......
Maybe it's even the one that you don't know well. The one that you just "sense" needs a bit of encouragement. We don't necessarily have to know every detail of what is happening to know that they are hurting.
As moms, we often talk about how we might struggle with feeling invisible. How no one seems to notice or doesn't care about the effort we put in, the sacrifices we make, or how exhausted we are some days. We can definitely have those days and feelings. We can often feel deflated and truly just struggle through those emotions.
I think we have a generation of youth feeling the same way.
They need to know we notice and care.
It's easy to overlook them with the headlines around us. It's easy to overlook them when what we see outside our door draws our attention in a negative way.
Let's challenge ourselves to search for the positives and support it. They need our support. They need the encouragement to keep making the hard decisions.
They need to know that their light is shining in a dark world.
Monday, April 21, 2014
Winter is Over
I freely admit....
I let multiple balls drop.
I tried juggling too many and kept many up in the air for the right reasons, but in order to keep them going I was stretching myself too thin and neglecting too many important areas.
It became apparent to others and most definitely visible to me.
The last couple of weeks have shown me just how lost in the shuffle I had been.
I still have a LOT on my plate and it still takes some serious organization and constant evaluation of priorities, but I'm beginning to see a shift in many areas. Shifting back in to place. Fewer balls in the air and therefore lots less to have to pick up at the end of the day. Less guilt to carry. Less wondering how to make it all work together.
Making the changes were far from easy, but it's been vital. Some of the changes even hit the budget HARD since it involved greatly reducing the hours or days that I do childcare. Some changes meant letting go of things I LOVE....
But...
After a couple of weeks of "slowing down", I'm finding just how much I was barely hanging on. I'm so thankful for a husband and close friends that helped me see the need to step back and reevaluate.
This time last year, I was finally on a good health path and was losing weight steadily and my health was at the best it had been in regards to lupus as it had been in years. I felt vibrant and confident that I could maintain those changes. Fall hit. I took on too much and didn't let go of others. To survive, I put myself on the bottom of the list. Literally in too much pain and severely exhausted (not just tired) to the point that I had nothing left to give. It greatly affected how we ate. I began to rely on convenience food, take-out, and anything that could be grabbed on the run. Obviously it packed back on the pounds, but more than that it was poisoning my body. Adding more stress to a body that already attacks itself. Unable to exercise because it just was literally impossible. I had worked HARD to get to the point that I was running a 5K 4 or 5 days a week (running.....as in so slow that walking MAY have been faster!). The last few months it seemed like a struggle to just make up the bed! Just standing in the kitchen over the stove or washing dishes literally left me in tears most days. Running? Are you kidding?!
Though we have a LONG way to go to get back to where we were and then continue to move in a positive direction, we are back on the right track. The changes we've made in responsibilities and schedules has allowed me to slowly work my way back into the kitchen---not relying on the "easy", but working towards the healthy. My energy is far from restored, it's a slow process---but the changes already taking place are indescribable. We've also started the journey towards being gluten and dairy free. It's hard. BUT.....it's doable. Finding every day that it is worth it for what differences I'm seeing. As the pain lessens and the energy starts to recover, I know that I'm going to benefit from having more physical freedom. My body was telling me with multiple signs that I had to make changes, but I waited so long to listen. We're getting back on the 5K journey. Though the one we are doing in a few weeks will have to be 100% walked---I'm happy to know that we are back committed and before long I'll be ready to start running again.
I'm also finding that I'm coming back to being myself more and more.
So many countless things got put off or ignored. Some things little and some not so little.
I'm finding more joy in the little things again.
I had lost that.
Just to sit down and write an email to someone struggling or better yet---a handwritten note/card has been extremely therapeutic. That part of me had been missing for so long and it's almost a vital part of who I am.
Just to stop and LISTEN and talk with my children---with no specific purpose has been priceless. To be more fully present when spending time with my husband---instead of running through a list in my head of things I need to be doing or trying to solve the "next" problem. To stop and listen to the birds....or slow down when a little one wants to pick up ANOTHER rock to throw in the creek.
It's made me realize how very little I was truly present. I appeared to be balancing it all.
But I wasn't.
I'm still not...
...but I'm at least keeping a few more things on track than before!
Instead of just hearing worship in the background, I can really listen to the words. Almost as if I'm hearing words for the first time even though I've heard or even been singing along for months.
Instead of just quickly grabbing a few words of Scripture as survival, I'm spending more time DEEPLY in it and thriving.
Situations come up daily that once would derail me completely, but now I feel like I have enough mental capacity to work through them. Life before had become nothing but a blur.
I'm feel like I'm waking up for the first time in a long time.
Seems like it's not just nature that's had a spring renewal. As the grass is finally turning green, trees are starting to bud, and a few flowers are beginning to sprout....I feel like I'm in the same place. Just coming back to life after a REALLY long and tough winter. Poking through the ground. A little slowly at tentatively at first and then boldly and confidently.
Just as it's tradition and a necessary task, spring cleaning is also in process around here.
Not only in our physical home, but in our physical bodies and our emotional/spiritual ones. Working on cleaning out some areas and repairing others. Purging. Letting go. Shining up.
I truly love spring.
I love the awakening. I love the new life. I love the hope. I love the fresh vision.
I love that winter is over.
I let multiple balls drop.
I tried juggling too many and kept many up in the air for the right reasons, but in order to keep them going I was stretching myself too thin and neglecting too many important areas.
It became apparent to others and most definitely visible to me.
The last couple of weeks have shown me just how lost in the shuffle I had been.
I still have a LOT on my plate and it still takes some serious organization and constant evaluation of priorities, but I'm beginning to see a shift in many areas. Shifting back in to place. Fewer balls in the air and therefore lots less to have to pick up at the end of the day. Less guilt to carry. Less wondering how to make it all work together.
Making the changes were far from easy, but it's been vital. Some of the changes even hit the budget HARD since it involved greatly reducing the hours or days that I do childcare. Some changes meant letting go of things I LOVE....
But...
After a couple of weeks of "slowing down", I'm finding just how much I was barely hanging on. I'm so thankful for a husband and close friends that helped me see the need to step back and reevaluate.
This time last year, I was finally on a good health path and was losing weight steadily and my health was at the best it had been in regards to lupus as it had been in years. I felt vibrant and confident that I could maintain those changes. Fall hit. I took on too much and didn't let go of others. To survive, I put myself on the bottom of the list. Literally in too much pain and severely exhausted (not just tired) to the point that I had nothing left to give. It greatly affected how we ate. I began to rely on convenience food, take-out, and anything that could be grabbed on the run. Obviously it packed back on the pounds, but more than that it was poisoning my body. Adding more stress to a body that already attacks itself. Unable to exercise because it just was literally impossible. I had worked HARD to get to the point that I was running a 5K 4 or 5 days a week (running.....as in so slow that walking MAY have been faster!). The last few months it seemed like a struggle to just make up the bed! Just standing in the kitchen over the stove or washing dishes literally left me in tears most days. Running? Are you kidding?!
Though we have a LONG way to go to get back to where we were and then continue to move in a positive direction, we are back on the right track. The changes we've made in responsibilities and schedules has allowed me to slowly work my way back into the kitchen---not relying on the "easy", but working towards the healthy. My energy is far from restored, it's a slow process---but the changes already taking place are indescribable. We've also started the journey towards being gluten and dairy free. It's hard. BUT.....it's doable. Finding every day that it is worth it for what differences I'm seeing. As the pain lessens and the energy starts to recover, I know that I'm going to benefit from having more physical freedom. My body was telling me with multiple signs that I had to make changes, but I waited so long to listen. We're getting back on the 5K journey. Though the one we are doing in a few weeks will have to be 100% walked---I'm happy to know that we are back committed and before long I'll be ready to start running again.
I'm also finding that I'm coming back to being myself more and more.
So many countless things got put off or ignored. Some things little and some not so little.
I'm finding more joy in the little things again.
I had lost that.
Just to sit down and write an email to someone struggling or better yet---a handwritten note/card has been extremely therapeutic. That part of me had been missing for so long and it's almost a vital part of who I am.
Just to stop and LISTEN and talk with my children---with no specific purpose has been priceless. To be more fully present when spending time with my husband---instead of running through a list in my head of things I need to be doing or trying to solve the "next" problem. To stop and listen to the birds....or slow down when a little one wants to pick up ANOTHER rock to throw in the creek.
It's made me realize how very little I was truly present. I appeared to be balancing it all.
But I wasn't.
I'm still not...
...but I'm at least keeping a few more things on track than before!
Instead of just hearing worship in the background, I can really listen to the words. Almost as if I'm hearing words for the first time even though I've heard or even been singing along for months.
Instead of just quickly grabbing a few words of Scripture as survival, I'm spending more time DEEPLY in it and thriving.
Situations come up daily that once would derail me completely, but now I feel like I have enough mental capacity to work through them. Life before had become nothing but a blur.
I'm feel like I'm waking up for the first time in a long time.
Seems like it's not just nature that's had a spring renewal. As the grass is finally turning green, trees are starting to bud, and a few flowers are beginning to sprout....I feel like I'm in the same place. Just coming back to life after a REALLY long and tough winter. Poking through the ground. A little slowly at tentatively at first and then boldly and confidently.
Just as it's tradition and a necessary task, spring cleaning is also in process around here.
Not only in our physical home, but in our physical bodies and our emotional/spiritual ones. Working on cleaning out some areas and repairing others. Purging. Letting go. Shining up.
I truly love spring.
I love the awakening. I love the new life. I love the hope. I love the fresh vision.
I love that winter is over.
Monday, April 14, 2014
Hope
Hope.
Just a short word. Only four little letters.
Yet, one of the most impactful words we have.
Without it...
Life fades. The light goes out of our eyes. We walk in defeat.
With it...
Joy can overflow even in the hardest of situations. Sparkle. Faith. Growth.
WE NEED IT.
I have found myself REALLY drawn to this word in recent days. Multiple situations have caused me to pull inward and truly look at where my focus is, what it is that I am needing to do or not do in my life right now, and to look at what it is that God is wanting me to learn (or RELEARN!).
One big focus, a heaviness on our hearts, right now is keeping our hearts and eyes focused properly while we play the waiting game. We continue to have no doubt that we ARE called to the foreign mission field as a family. It continues to be confirmed in each of our hearts. However, we are struggling with "what" that looks like. Our vision and our expectation isn't exactly shaping up to what we pictured. That's NOT a bad thing. BUT....it is a hard thing. We have had some doors close very securely at this point. NOT closing to the point that we are giving up or think that we "heard" His call incorrectly. We just may have focused on the wrong SPECIFICS. So as we pull back and wait to listen intently to what His plan is and WHERE HE is leading (and not just our own emotions and ideas)....we wait....and hope.
I'm not so good at waiting. OK---perhaps that should be rewritten as....I stink at waiting. I'm a planner. I'm a detail oriented person. I am a patient person with people, but I'm not a patient person with details. If that makes sense.
So as I wait, I'm learning to refocus. Using the time to LISTEN and GROW. Digging in deeper to His word. Opening my ears and heart to hear more clearly. Being more vulnerable and stepping out of the box more as I seek Him.
I'm also trying to take the "weight" of multiple situations (when it rains it pours!) and learning to put them at His feet and leaving them. My husband will probably admit there has been a remarkable change in my personality over the last several months. I react differently to stress than I have in a long time. I've loosened my grip on "controlling" so many things. When things do go wrong (as they often do!), I don't have such a defeated attitude.
I like this switch.
I like this journey of growth.
A great portion of it is coming from hope and trust. Hope.
I cling to that word and the different things it means to my heart.
I have started doing a word study in scripture on Hope. I've learned that it's used in the NIV version of scripture in 159 verses. I'm using some tools I learned at a recent conference to attempt my first deep word study on my own----looking at the Greek and Hebrew words through LexiConc of Blue Letter Bible online.
Today, I keep coming back to a use of "hope" in Romans 4. Abraham had HOPE. He had no heirs because he had no children. Sarah's womb was considered "dead". However, God had promised him that he would be the father of many nations and he had hope and trust in God's promises. Even at 100 years old (and Sarah in her 90s!).
I LOVE how the verses describe this hope.
Against ALL hope....
In hope BELIEVED...
Without weakening in his faith...
Yet he did not WAVER through UNBELIEF...
Was STRENGTHENED in his faith...
Gave glory to God...
Became fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised!
I don't know about you, but reading those words today in just a few tightly packed verses was POWERFUL to me this morning.
Just a few verses later at the beginning of chapter 5 are some more powerful words to cling to.
" Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know sufferings produces perseverance, perseverance, charter; and character, hope. AND HOPE DOES NOT DISAPPOINT US, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
I want the faith of Abraham. I'll settle for just a small portion! Despite the reality of what his eyes could see, he believed. It says that he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead, but did not waver through unbelief.
That's powerful hope.
We have hope that though "our" plans and details may change as to what direction/time table/specifics He has for our calling, He will provide. We have hope that as one door closes, another one opens that is exactly what He has planned.
We have hope that though we face countless other situations designed to distract, defeat, and divide...that we will not waver in our faith.
Strengthened through the trials. Hopeful during the waiting. Fully persuaded that God has the power to do what He has promised.
Clinging to the verses of hope. Learning more of it's use in scripture. Growing in faith.
Just a short word. Only four little letters.
Yet, one of the most impactful words we have.
Without it...
Life fades. The light goes out of our eyes. We walk in defeat.
With it...
Joy can overflow even in the hardest of situations. Sparkle. Faith. Growth.
WE NEED IT.
I have found myself REALLY drawn to this word in recent days. Multiple situations have caused me to pull inward and truly look at where my focus is, what it is that I am needing to do or not do in my life right now, and to look at what it is that God is wanting me to learn (or RELEARN!).
One big focus, a heaviness on our hearts, right now is keeping our hearts and eyes focused properly while we play the waiting game. We continue to have no doubt that we ARE called to the foreign mission field as a family. It continues to be confirmed in each of our hearts. However, we are struggling with "what" that looks like. Our vision and our expectation isn't exactly shaping up to what we pictured. That's NOT a bad thing. BUT....it is a hard thing. We have had some doors close very securely at this point. NOT closing to the point that we are giving up or think that we "heard" His call incorrectly. We just may have focused on the wrong SPECIFICS. So as we pull back and wait to listen intently to what His plan is and WHERE HE is leading (and not just our own emotions and ideas)....we wait....and hope.
I'm not so good at waiting. OK---perhaps that should be rewritten as....I stink at waiting. I'm a planner. I'm a detail oriented person. I am a patient person with people, but I'm not a patient person with details. If that makes sense.
So as I wait, I'm learning to refocus. Using the time to LISTEN and GROW. Digging in deeper to His word. Opening my ears and heart to hear more clearly. Being more vulnerable and stepping out of the box more as I seek Him.
I'm also trying to take the "weight" of multiple situations (when it rains it pours!) and learning to put them at His feet and leaving them. My husband will probably admit there has been a remarkable change in my personality over the last several months. I react differently to stress than I have in a long time. I've loosened my grip on "controlling" so many things. When things do go wrong (as they often do!), I don't have such a defeated attitude.
I like this switch.
I like this journey of growth.
A great portion of it is coming from hope and trust. Hope.
I cling to that word and the different things it means to my heart.
I have started doing a word study in scripture on Hope. I've learned that it's used in the NIV version of scripture in 159 verses. I'm using some tools I learned at a recent conference to attempt my first deep word study on my own----looking at the Greek and Hebrew words through LexiConc of Blue Letter Bible online.
Today, I keep coming back to a use of "hope" in Romans 4. Abraham had HOPE. He had no heirs because he had no children. Sarah's womb was considered "dead". However, God had promised him that he would be the father of many nations and he had hope and trust in God's promises. Even at 100 years old (and Sarah in her 90s!).
I LOVE how the verses describe this hope.
Against ALL hope....
In hope BELIEVED...
Without weakening in his faith...
Yet he did not WAVER through UNBELIEF...
Was STRENGTHENED in his faith...
Gave glory to God...
Became fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised!
I don't know about you, but reading those words today in just a few tightly packed verses was POWERFUL to me this morning.
Just a few verses later at the beginning of chapter 5 are some more powerful words to cling to.
" Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know sufferings produces perseverance, perseverance, charter; and character, hope. AND HOPE DOES NOT DISAPPOINT US, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
I want the faith of Abraham. I'll settle for just a small portion! Despite the reality of what his eyes could see, he believed. It says that he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead, but did not waver through unbelief.
That's powerful hope.
We have hope that though "our" plans and details may change as to what direction/time table/specifics He has for our calling, He will provide. We have hope that as one door closes, another one opens that is exactly what He has planned.
We have hope that though we face countless other situations designed to distract, defeat, and divide...that we will not waver in our faith.
Strengthened through the trials. Hopeful during the waiting. Fully persuaded that God has the power to do what He has promised.
Clinging to the verses of hope. Learning more of it's use in scripture. Growing in faith.
Thursday, April 10, 2014
Speaking of Friendships
Different situations over the last days and weeks has had me thinking about friendships. How valuable they are. How friends can stretch us, carry us, change us, hurt us at times and even frustrate us.
We may have friends that inspire us to be more than we think we are capable of being and cheer us along the way. That inspiration is PRICELESS because they see our potential and aren't weighed down by our past disappointments.
We may have friends that we can find ourselves feeling like it's a one way street at different seasons. When they need support, we drop everything. We do all we can to offer encouragement. Yet, because of their own pain, insecurities, etc.. when we need support it doesn't come as freely. We can feel hurt. Instead of walking away, we realize that these friends do love and care for us, they are just blinded by their own situations. These friendships are vital because they teach us to not be selfish and to look outside of ourselves and see the needs of another person. We do have to be careful to not enable or become codependent, but God can show us the appropriate line. These friends can still be our deepest and most meaningful friendships because when their pain ends they come back loyal because they know you didn't abandon them. They know they were worth fighting for.
We may have friends that we treasured, but are no longer with us. God called them home. They may not be physically with us, but they definitely continue to make an impact on our hearts and lives. I've been greatly thinking of one of these in my life this week as the date that she went home with her Heavenly Father rolled around on the calendar.
We may have friends that were there for us in some of our deepest, darkest times and carried us. They saw us at our most vulnerable and didn't run away. They went through the trenches with us. We hold these friends close because we know they have given of themselves and accepted us without condition. It can really be painful when we see these same friends go through their own battles because we want to pick them up and carry them, erase their situations...and it hurts when we can't...because they were crucial to us in our darkest moments. I know several of my friends fall into this category right now. Storms are hitting them left and right and it can feel so helpless to not be able to rescue. However, I can encourage them to not give up and to keep their focus on Him. It's what they did for me----either by their actions or by their emotional/ spiritual support.
We may have friends that we lost contact with for many years and then come back in our lives and we TREASURE it. It may be a childhood friend or a mentor. Either which way, they are a blessing to us. These friends are capable of making time stand still or even feel like it has rewound a bit.
We may have friendships that didn't stand the test of time and the busyness of life. They may not have remained as strong as we thought through life seasons, moves (we've moved 13 times so we understand that one!), or struggles. These are hard. Some we can rekindle and others just won't rebuild.
We may have friends that we've only just met and are just starting to get to know. Some we know may not be the deep, long-lasting ones...but others...we get a hint or a glimpse that God truly has brought them into our lives for a bigger purpose.
We can have friends that we've never met physically in person, but through social media/internet, etc.. they can bless our lives in countless ways. One of my dearest friends I've never met personally, but I feel as if she's been around my entire life in person, side by side. She knows my heart. She encourages me like no other. She inspires me.
We have friends that just make us laugh. Over and over. Even when we don't want to laugh.
We have friends that challenge us. We all need friends in our lives that can call us on sin, keep our feet on the ground, and tell us in love when we are full of baloney. These friends make sure you don't get up on a pedestal and if you do, they are the first to knock you off! They tell you when you are self-righteous, judgmental, off target or dancing too close to the flame and going to get burnt. We all need these friends. They may sting, but they are some of the most valuable treasures.
We have friends that show us glimpses of Christ by their actions. They just have a presence about them that makes them incredible. His joy shines through them. They are the first to cheer you on and the first to pick you up. These are the ones that cause you to be a better you because you want to have what they have. You feel like you've been in His presence just by being around them.
We all need those friends that we know we could call in the middle of the night. You know the ones that would bail you out of jail (not recommending you try this one out! LOL)! The ones that would help you rob a bank----hypothetically speaking of course. The kind of friend that would show up with a baseball bat if you called and said someone had hurt you or someone you love. I have a few of these. Truth is they scare me. In a good way. :)
We all have and need those friends where words aren't necessary. They just "get" you.
We all need those friends that will share a half gallon of ice cream with you or give you their last piece of chocolate. Oh wait a minute....I'm not sure I have one of those! HAHA!
Seriously----we need a variety of friends on this journey of life. We need the easy ones and the ones that challenge us. We need the fun ones and the serious ones. The ones that dream big dreams and those that live in the land of logic and reality. We all need those that balance us.
We all just need each other.
We may have friends that inspire us to be more than we think we are capable of being and cheer us along the way. That inspiration is PRICELESS because they see our potential and aren't weighed down by our past disappointments.
We may have friends that we can find ourselves feeling like it's a one way street at different seasons. When they need support, we drop everything. We do all we can to offer encouragement. Yet, because of their own pain, insecurities, etc.. when we need support it doesn't come as freely. We can feel hurt. Instead of walking away, we realize that these friends do love and care for us, they are just blinded by their own situations. These friendships are vital because they teach us to not be selfish and to look outside of ourselves and see the needs of another person. We do have to be careful to not enable or become codependent, but God can show us the appropriate line. These friends can still be our deepest and most meaningful friendships because when their pain ends they come back loyal because they know you didn't abandon them. They know they were worth fighting for.
We may have friends that we treasured, but are no longer with us. God called them home. They may not be physically with us, but they definitely continue to make an impact on our hearts and lives. I've been greatly thinking of one of these in my life this week as the date that she went home with her Heavenly Father rolled around on the calendar.
We may have friends that were there for us in some of our deepest, darkest times and carried us. They saw us at our most vulnerable and didn't run away. They went through the trenches with us. We hold these friends close because we know they have given of themselves and accepted us without condition. It can really be painful when we see these same friends go through their own battles because we want to pick them up and carry them, erase their situations...and it hurts when we can't...because they were crucial to us in our darkest moments. I know several of my friends fall into this category right now. Storms are hitting them left and right and it can feel so helpless to not be able to rescue. However, I can encourage them to not give up and to keep their focus on Him. It's what they did for me----either by their actions or by their emotional/ spiritual support.
We may have friends that we lost contact with for many years and then come back in our lives and we TREASURE it. It may be a childhood friend or a mentor. Either which way, they are a blessing to us. These friends are capable of making time stand still or even feel like it has rewound a bit.
We may have friendships that didn't stand the test of time and the busyness of life. They may not have remained as strong as we thought through life seasons, moves (we've moved 13 times so we understand that one!), or struggles. These are hard. Some we can rekindle and others just won't rebuild.
We may have friends that we've only just met and are just starting to get to know. Some we know may not be the deep, long-lasting ones...but others...we get a hint or a glimpse that God truly has brought them into our lives for a bigger purpose.
We can have friends that we've never met physically in person, but through social media/internet, etc.. they can bless our lives in countless ways. One of my dearest friends I've never met personally, but I feel as if she's been around my entire life in person, side by side. She knows my heart. She encourages me like no other. She inspires me.
We have friends that just make us laugh. Over and over. Even when we don't want to laugh.
We have friends that challenge us. We all need friends in our lives that can call us on sin, keep our feet on the ground, and tell us in love when we are full of baloney. These friends make sure you don't get up on a pedestal and if you do, they are the first to knock you off! They tell you when you are self-righteous, judgmental, off target or dancing too close to the flame and going to get burnt. We all need these friends. They may sting, but they are some of the most valuable treasures.
We have friends that show us glimpses of Christ by their actions. They just have a presence about them that makes them incredible. His joy shines through them. They are the first to cheer you on and the first to pick you up. These are the ones that cause you to be a better you because you want to have what they have. You feel like you've been in His presence just by being around them.
We all need those friends that we know we could call in the middle of the night. You know the ones that would bail you out of jail (not recommending you try this one out! LOL)! The ones that would help you rob a bank----hypothetically speaking of course. The kind of friend that would show up with a baseball bat if you called and said someone had hurt you or someone you love. I have a few of these. Truth is they scare me. In a good way. :)
We all have and need those friends where words aren't necessary. They just "get" you.
We all need those friends that will share a half gallon of ice cream with you or give you their last piece of chocolate. Oh wait a minute....I'm not sure I have one of those! HAHA!
Seriously----we need a variety of friends on this journey of life. We need the easy ones and the ones that challenge us. We need the fun ones and the serious ones. The ones that dream big dreams and those that live in the land of logic and reality. We all need those that balance us.
We all just need each other.
Longing for Titus 2 Women
Time keeps ticking away. No matter how much we want it to speed up. It stays the same. No matter how much we want it to slow down. It stays the same.
The same steady tick.
It may SEEM faster. Or it may drag by painfully slow.
Life is definitely lived in seasons. We are constantly ending some seasons and starting new ones. Though I constantly have little bitty ones in our house on a regular basis and get to enjoy those (and remember how frustrating and exhausting it is!), I am well beyond those days. Every day is a reminder of how quickly time does move, even though it's ticking by at its steady same rate. I remember wanting to slug those moms that told me to cherish every moment because it was fleeting. I wanted to slug them because I was weary, bone tired, overwhelmed, and definitely NOT enjoying every minute.( I mean really: who wants to truly embrace the terrible twos over and over on repeat. Or the sleepless nights of a baby that refuses to sleep. Or the baby that cries constantly for hours on end. Or the baby that either wants to nurse around the clock or you want to nurse desperately but no matter what you try can't "grasp" that concept. There's wonderful things in EVERY season and I LOVE children more than many...but....it's HARD some days!!!!) Instead, I smiled politely. Now, I am that mom reminding others to embrace it. Because I've learned what those other moms meant and I also understand those younger moms wanting to slug me. The day may be long, but the years are definitely short.
It has become a running joke in our home recently to "find" the things that are showing that we are aging. We aren't old, but we definitely are well beyond our 20s. We are very visible noticing that we are beginning to fit in more with the older generations. To be honest, we love it. Instead of lamenting not being "young" anymore, we are embracing the comfort that comes with growing older together. Of having learned many things and still know there are many more things to learn.
With that said, I'm finding myself longing...
Longing for Titus 2 women in my life. Oh how I wish nearly every day that I could go back and revisit all of those conversations and teaching moments from the older ladies in my life when I was younger. So many things I wish I could ask or learn from them. The more "old fashioned" the advice, perhaps the more truthful it would have been. So much could have been learned about Christ, caring for my husband and caring for my children from them. I can picture so many of them right now and would love to just spend a few hours at the very least sitting down with them now! Just to sit down on the church pew and take notes from them!
Older women teaching younger women. Younger women teaching those same things to the even younger, newly married women.
I so think it's greatly missing in our lives in our day and age.
I'm finding myself in new seasons and needing older women to lead the way and guide me through these new stages. I find it important to encourage moms of young children and new marriages. A student and a teacher.
The Titus 2 woman embodies so many characteristics that are harder to find every day. How I long to be that type of woman and how I long to have them in my life teaching me. (An excellent article on those characteristic can be found here at Bible Study Tools. I'm currently studying through these attributes and am finding this an excellent tool of reference).
I need accountability. I need spiritually strong women that speak truth in my life (even the painful truth that I'd prefer to clasp my hands over my ears and drown out!). I'm finding it vital. We so often have become afraid of letting people see our vulnerability and "need". When in actuality, it's VITAL that we have these type of relationships. It's how we grow. It's how we thrive. It's how we reach a new generation for Christ. It's how we can strengthen our homes. It's student and teacher mode.
The same steady tick.
It may SEEM faster. Or it may drag by painfully slow.
Life is definitely lived in seasons. We are constantly ending some seasons and starting new ones. Though I constantly have little bitty ones in our house on a regular basis and get to enjoy those (and remember how frustrating and exhausting it is!), I am well beyond those days. Every day is a reminder of how quickly time does move, even though it's ticking by at its steady same rate. I remember wanting to slug those moms that told me to cherish every moment because it was fleeting. I wanted to slug them because I was weary, bone tired, overwhelmed, and definitely NOT enjoying every minute.( I mean really: who wants to truly embrace the terrible twos over and over on repeat. Or the sleepless nights of a baby that refuses to sleep. Or the baby that cries constantly for hours on end. Or the baby that either wants to nurse around the clock or you want to nurse desperately but no matter what you try can't "grasp" that concept. There's wonderful things in EVERY season and I LOVE children more than many...but....it's HARD some days!!!!) Instead, I smiled politely. Now, I am that mom reminding others to embrace it. Because I've learned what those other moms meant and I also understand those younger moms wanting to slug me. The day may be long, but the years are definitely short.
It has become a running joke in our home recently to "find" the things that are showing that we are aging. We aren't old, but we definitely are well beyond our 20s. We are very visible noticing that we are beginning to fit in more with the older generations. To be honest, we love it. Instead of lamenting not being "young" anymore, we are embracing the comfort that comes with growing older together. Of having learned many things and still know there are many more things to learn.
With that said, I'm finding myself longing...
Longing for Titus 2 women in my life. Oh how I wish nearly every day that I could go back and revisit all of those conversations and teaching moments from the older ladies in my life when I was younger. So many things I wish I could ask or learn from them. The more "old fashioned" the advice, perhaps the more truthful it would have been. So much could have been learned about Christ, caring for my husband and caring for my children from them. I can picture so many of them right now and would love to just spend a few hours at the very least sitting down with them now! Just to sit down on the church pew and take notes from them!
Older women teaching younger women. Younger women teaching those same things to the even younger, newly married women.
I so think it's greatly missing in our lives in our day and age.
I'm finding myself in new seasons and needing older women to lead the way and guide me through these new stages. I find it important to encourage moms of young children and new marriages. A student and a teacher.
The Titus 2 woman embodies so many characteristics that are harder to find every day. How I long to be that type of woman and how I long to have them in my life teaching me. (An excellent article on those characteristic can be found here at Bible Study Tools. I'm currently studying through these attributes and am finding this an excellent tool of reference).
I need accountability. I need spiritually strong women that speak truth in my life (even the painful truth that I'd prefer to clasp my hands over my ears and drown out!). I'm finding it vital. We so often have become afraid of letting people see our vulnerability and "need". When in actuality, it's VITAL that we have these type of relationships. It's how we grow. It's how we thrive. It's how we reach a new generation for Christ. It's how we can strengthen our homes. It's student and teacher mode.
A Little Windy?
When we first moved here, I thought I knew "wind". After all, my parents aptly named their farm "Windy Hill Angus Farm". I thought I knew wind because it was DEFINITELY windy.
Then we moved to Central IL.
Wind takes on a new meaning.
The very FIRST valuable lesson we learned is that you do NOT open both doors on a vehicle at the same time. If you opened both doors of the van, EVERYTHING inside comes blowing out as if it's been sucked out by a powerful vacuum.
It's windy for sure.
Now that Spring is officially TRYING to make its appearance...the winds are picking up and the stormy season is soon to arrive. Some days it's impossible to walk standing up straight and it's quite a challenge to go anywhere in a skirt. :) It was a BRUTAL winter, so though the Spring season is seldom calm, it's quite welcomed.
It's windy outside.
And...
It's windy inside.
Storms are brewing.
The waves are crashing.
Many of us are finding that situations are stormy. We are far from the calm. Life is swirling. Many are holding on to the ship railing for dear life because they just don't know which wave is going to crash at them next. Wondering when the wind is going to turn into a gale. I feel it and I know from others sharing their hearts and struggles that it's a common feeling.
We may not can calm the storms around us, but we most definitely can change our responses.
We know the MASTER OF THE WIND and THE MAKER OF THE RAIN (You're welcome!---to those of you that LOVED that old, powerful song by the Gaithers and now have it stuck in your head! If you don't know it...you tube it...it's worth it!).
I think many of us forget that in the middle of the storm or ANTICIPATION of another storm, that we lose our focus. We get our eyes on our situations, our uncertainties, or on the hurt we are experiencing and take our eyes off of Him. It's so very easy to do.
This morning I was thinking about the apostle Paul. If anyone had cause to be focused on dire circumstances, he did. Constantly beaten. Constantly conspired against to be killed. Constantly in prison in chains. Constantly being betrayed.
He was IN STORMS---both literally and figuratively.
Yet, he didn't give up on his faith. He didn't throw in the towel and walk away.
He could have.
Many believers would have understood and probably support him had he said "enough is enough". His "enemies" would have celebrated.
Yet...
He continued.
He continuously brought others to the understanding of needing salvation. He continuously encouraged. He continuously healed in Jesus' powerful name.
He let God's will be his will.
Even though it hurt.
Even though it was going against common sense many times.
He kept his eyes on Christ and not on the storms.
Towards the end of Acts, when he was literally caught in an indescribable storm at sea, he stayed the course. He still encouraged those around him.
"But now I urge you to keep up your courage, because not one of you will be lost; only the ship will be destroyed" (27:22)
In verse 26 goes on to say that we MUST run aground on some island.
In other words, this is going to be a rough ride. Forget smooth sailing. We're going to be tossed about like we can't imagine.
But...
You will not be lost.
Things may feel like they are literally falling apart every direction you turn. You may be facing circumstances that make absolutely no sense. You may feel like if just one more thing comes at you, even minor, that you WILL break.
Even in those times....
God is still good. He's still in the miracle business. Our circumstances may not change and He may not "magically" make our journey easy....but....He's still for us.
On that ship with Paul were 276 total passengers. I imagine that EVERY single one of them had fear beyond words. They had to be terrified.
Yet...
After the storm ended and they were shipwrecked they all reached land in safety. I guarantee it was no little leisurely boat ride. They hit shore clinging to any type of plank that would get them there. Some swam to shore, but I doubt it was like swimming in a backyard pool.
When they arrived, the islanders of Malta "showed unusual kindness". They welcomed them and took care of them. Whether they were soldiers or prisoners, they were cared for. Even the chief official of the island welcomed them into his home and "entertained hospitably". They were eventually sent off with a ship and supplies.
Provision through the storm. Provision after the storm.
God doesn't leave us on our own when we face storms of life. He is right there with us. We have to keep our eyes on Him. Even if the storms around us don't calm, our focus can stay with Him so that we CAN weather the storm. We CAN make it to the shore, even if we are battered and terrified along the journey.
Even better...
Hopefully through some of the storms we can minister to others. Paul was a constant encouragement to countless others. Even after the shipwreck, he prayed for the chief official's father and healed him. Others came to him for healing and they were cured.
Paul---definitely stayed the course. He definitely finished the race.
So much we can learn from him.
Then we moved to Central IL.
Wind takes on a new meaning.
The very FIRST valuable lesson we learned is that you do NOT open both doors on a vehicle at the same time. If you opened both doors of the van, EVERYTHING inside comes blowing out as if it's been sucked out by a powerful vacuum.
It's windy for sure.
Now that Spring is officially TRYING to make its appearance...the winds are picking up and the stormy season is soon to arrive. Some days it's impossible to walk standing up straight and it's quite a challenge to go anywhere in a skirt. :) It was a BRUTAL winter, so though the Spring season is seldom calm, it's quite welcomed.
It's windy outside.
And...
It's windy inside.
Storms are brewing.
The waves are crashing.
Many of us are finding that situations are stormy. We are far from the calm. Life is swirling. Many are holding on to the ship railing for dear life because they just don't know which wave is going to crash at them next. Wondering when the wind is going to turn into a gale. I feel it and I know from others sharing their hearts and struggles that it's a common feeling.
We may not can calm the storms around us, but we most definitely can change our responses.
We know the MASTER OF THE WIND and THE MAKER OF THE RAIN (You're welcome!---to those of you that LOVED that old, powerful song by the Gaithers and now have it stuck in your head! If you don't know it...you tube it...it's worth it!).
I think many of us forget that in the middle of the storm or ANTICIPATION of another storm, that we lose our focus. We get our eyes on our situations, our uncertainties, or on the hurt we are experiencing and take our eyes off of Him. It's so very easy to do.
This morning I was thinking about the apostle Paul. If anyone had cause to be focused on dire circumstances, he did. Constantly beaten. Constantly conspired against to be killed. Constantly in prison in chains. Constantly being betrayed.
He was IN STORMS---both literally and figuratively.
Yet, he didn't give up on his faith. He didn't throw in the towel and walk away.
He could have.
Many believers would have understood and probably support him had he said "enough is enough". His "enemies" would have celebrated.
Yet...
He continued.
He continuously brought others to the understanding of needing salvation. He continuously encouraged. He continuously healed in Jesus' powerful name.
He let God's will be his will.
Even though it hurt.
Even though it was going against common sense many times.
He kept his eyes on Christ and not on the storms.
Towards the end of Acts, when he was literally caught in an indescribable storm at sea, he stayed the course. He still encouraged those around him.
"But now I urge you to keep up your courage, because not one of you will be lost; only the ship will be destroyed" (27:22)
In verse 26 goes on to say that we MUST run aground on some island.
In other words, this is going to be a rough ride. Forget smooth sailing. We're going to be tossed about like we can't imagine.
But...
You will not be lost.
Things may feel like they are literally falling apart every direction you turn. You may be facing circumstances that make absolutely no sense. You may feel like if just one more thing comes at you, even minor, that you WILL break.
Even in those times....
God is still good. He's still in the miracle business. Our circumstances may not change and He may not "magically" make our journey easy....but....He's still for us.
On that ship with Paul were 276 total passengers. I imagine that EVERY single one of them had fear beyond words. They had to be terrified.
Yet...
After the storm ended and they were shipwrecked they all reached land in safety. I guarantee it was no little leisurely boat ride. They hit shore clinging to any type of plank that would get them there. Some swam to shore, but I doubt it was like swimming in a backyard pool.
When they arrived, the islanders of Malta "showed unusual kindness". They welcomed them and took care of them. Whether they were soldiers or prisoners, they were cared for. Even the chief official of the island welcomed them into his home and "entertained hospitably". They were eventually sent off with a ship and supplies.
Provision through the storm. Provision after the storm.
God doesn't leave us on our own when we face storms of life. He is right there with us. We have to keep our eyes on Him. Even if the storms around us don't calm, our focus can stay with Him so that we CAN weather the storm. We CAN make it to the shore, even if we are battered and terrified along the journey.
Even better...
Hopefully through some of the storms we can minister to others. Paul was a constant encouragement to countless others. Even after the shipwreck, he prayed for the chief official's father and healed him. Others came to him for healing and they were cured.
Paul---definitely stayed the course. He definitely finished the race.
So much we can learn from him.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Reaching...
It seems as if the theme of the week that keeps popping up in reading, worship songs, and just thoughts that keep popping in my head comes down to...
Reaching.
I believe if we are all honest and transparent, we've gone through seasons of just not feeling like God is close. As if He is just out of our grasp. Out of our reach. Maybe our prayers don't feel as if they get through the ceiling, much less to His ears. Or maybe it's been just a hard season of life. Loss of someone we hold dear either to death, broken relationships, etc... It's been unreal the amount of heartache around those we hold dear lately with marriages crumbling, health scares, financial loss, dreams that seem to be out of reach, one obstacle after another, and even death.
One thing is certain, it's been a tough season for MANY. Lots of time we really don't have a clue the depth of heartache of people we see even on a daily basis. Many are carrying burdens that we really had no clue the depth and weight---just by looking at their outward appearance.
Yet, God IS near.
He REALLY is.
Even when we are listening to our flesh or even the lies of Satan.
"He doesn't care."
"You're alone."
"You're not worth His time."
"He only blesses others."
"You can't be forgiven THIS time."
Oh, dear ones....
Those ARE lies.
Let me repeat...
Lies.
The truth is...
He's closer than we can imagine.
I'm still slowly working through Acts as part of my daily study spent directly in His word---not just the time I read devotionals, books by amazing Christian authors, inspiring Blogs.
I found some powerful verses in chapter 17 that hadn't really "popped" out to me before.
"God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us. For in him we live and move and have our being." v27-28
Though verse 28 is a popular one that I hear often, I'd not heard it combined with the previous one. Together I think they make some very powerful, beautiful words.
A necessary reminder that our hearts often need.
Seek Him. Reach out for Him. Find Him.
He is not far away.
As a matter of fact, He's so close that our every breath is through Him. He can't get much closer than that.
His word doesn't say we MIGHT find Him.
I *clasped* onto the word Breathe when we were going through Dad's illness and the months that followed. At first it came from a reminder from a sweet friend that would send me a simple text to "breathe". It carried the physical reminder and the emotional reminder of just take THIS minute and get through THIS one. It was also a physical reminder to actually breathe. During times of great tension, it's ease to lose focus and for me I do find myself holding my breathe. It was also a reminder to focus on the necessary things. The things that HAD to be done and the freedom to let the others go temporarily.
As time went on and we found ourselves in the most emotional gut-wrenching places, my prayer and my focus became I needed to feel Him so close...as close as" His breath on my neck". It became necessary in those moments that I could NOT function on my own. I couldn't think through the next minute because the current minute was THAT HARD. I needed Him more powerful than ever. It was a necessity. Through that time period and other times in life that have been difficult, He WAS that close.
I can remember even praying that He was close enough to breathe for me, because when your heart is breaking and you are experiencing emotions that your brain doesn't even know how to process, it seems physically impossible to breathe.
He showed up. Over and over.
Even through times when I didn't think I could see Him. Even through times of my life I've been angry, bitter, or wanted to throw in the towel. Even through those seasons of deep depression (especially the seasons of post partum depression). Even when it didn't feel as if I could reach to Him.
He was there. He IS there.
I loved reading these words in one of the explanations/thoughts I read on these verses.
Imagine the God of the universe wanting YOU to reach out to Him---waiting in eager anticipation. Do you knows what's really remarkable? As you begin reaching toward God, you'll find you don't need to reach at all. He is not far. There's no stretch. Our loving God is as close as your next breath---your next prayer. Jesus says, "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me." (Revelation 3:20)
Doesn't that make you want to just stop what you are doing and open the door? Doesn't that make you want to stop fighting whatever your battle is and just reach out and rest in Him? Doesn't that just make you want to just stretch out your arms toward heaven and surrender?
Oh, it does me.
Just makes me want to lay it all down. Give all of it to Him. Give Him all of me.
Reaching.
We don't have to reach far.
Reaching.
I believe if we are all honest and transparent, we've gone through seasons of just not feeling like God is close. As if He is just out of our grasp. Out of our reach. Maybe our prayers don't feel as if they get through the ceiling, much less to His ears. Or maybe it's been just a hard season of life. Loss of someone we hold dear either to death, broken relationships, etc... It's been unreal the amount of heartache around those we hold dear lately with marriages crumbling, health scares, financial loss, dreams that seem to be out of reach, one obstacle after another, and even death.
One thing is certain, it's been a tough season for MANY. Lots of time we really don't have a clue the depth of heartache of people we see even on a daily basis. Many are carrying burdens that we really had no clue the depth and weight---just by looking at their outward appearance.
Yet, God IS near.
He REALLY is.
Even when we are listening to our flesh or even the lies of Satan.
"He doesn't care."
"You're alone."
"You're not worth His time."
"He only blesses others."
"You can't be forgiven THIS time."
Oh, dear ones....
Those ARE lies.
Let me repeat...
Lies.
The truth is...
He's closer than we can imagine.
I'm still slowly working through Acts as part of my daily study spent directly in His word---not just the time I read devotionals, books by amazing Christian authors, inspiring Blogs.
I found some powerful verses in chapter 17 that hadn't really "popped" out to me before.
"God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us. For in him we live and move and have our being." v27-28
Though verse 28 is a popular one that I hear often, I'd not heard it combined with the previous one. Together I think they make some very powerful, beautiful words.
A necessary reminder that our hearts often need.
Seek Him. Reach out for Him. Find Him.
He is not far away.
As a matter of fact, He's so close that our every breath is through Him. He can't get much closer than that.
His word doesn't say we MIGHT find Him.
I *clasped* onto the word Breathe when we were going through Dad's illness and the months that followed. At first it came from a reminder from a sweet friend that would send me a simple text to "breathe". It carried the physical reminder and the emotional reminder of just take THIS minute and get through THIS one. It was also a physical reminder to actually breathe. During times of great tension, it's ease to lose focus and for me I do find myself holding my breathe. It was also a reminder to focus on the necessary things. The things that HAD to be done and the freedom to let the others go temporarily.
As time went on and we found ourselves in the most emotional gut-wrenching places, my prayer and my focus became I needed to feel Him so close...as close as" His breath on my neck". It became necessary in those moments that I could NOT function on my own. I couldn't think through the next minute because the current minute was THAT HARD. I needed Him more powerful than ever. It was a necessity. Through that time period and other times in life that have been difficult, He WAS that close.
I can remember even praying that He was close enough to breathe for me, because when your heart is breaking and you are experiencing emotions that your brain doesn't even know how to process, it seems physically impossible to breathe.
He showed up. Over and over.
Even through times when I didn't think I could see Him. Even through times of my life I've been angry, bitter, or wanted to throw in the towel. Even through those seasons of deep depression (especially the seasons of post partum depression). Even when it didn't feel as if I could reach to Him.
He was there. He IS there.
I loved reading these words in one of the explanations/thoughts I read on these verses.
Imagine the God of the universe wanting YOU to reach out to Him---waiting in eager anticipation. Do you knows what's really remarkable? As you begin reaching toward God, you'll find you don't need to reach at all. He is not far. There's no stretch. Our loving God is as close as your next breath---your next prayer. Jesus says, "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me." (Revelation 3:20)
Doesn't that make you want to just stop what you are doing and open the door? Doesn't that make you want to stop fighting whatever your battle is and just reach out and rest in Him? Doesn't that just make you want to just stretch out your arms toward heaven and surrender?
Oh, it does me.
Just makes me want to lay it all down. Give all of it to Him. Give Him all of me.
Reaching.
We don't have to reach far.
Friday, April 4, 2014
I Wonder...
I wonder...
Why do so many of us still wear masks? Why is it that we still hide our struggles, fears, and anything that we feel make us less than perfect? What do we think we gain from that?
Why is it that when we need our greatest support systems we shut down and block others out?
Why is it that we feel like we can hide our deepest emotions from God? Don't we know that He already knows our every thought? Don't we know that He can handle our EVERY emotion? Even the darkest ones. He's felt every single one Himself.
He knows what is to be betrayed.
He knows what it is to wish that He could take a different path, but still say "yes" to the will of His father.
He knows physical pain.
He knows suffering.
He knows.
He understands.
He loves and offers grace and mercy.
Why is it that we know these things to be true and yet...
We still hide.
We still answer "I'm fine!" when others ask how we are doing.
We still carry this attitude of I can handle it on my own.
When will we realize that when others offer to help us and we say "no" or "I'm fine", we quite possibly are robbing THEM of a blessing. God may be speaking to THEIR heart about reaching out and we can be stepping in the way of allowing them to be used by Him.
When will realize that many times when someone asks us how we are doing, they are sincerely asking. OR when they ask if there is a way they can help, they truly want to lift at least a small portion of our burden---even if it's just to let us know that we are not alone and have an advocate.
Today, through multiple situations, I realized that many of us battle these things.
Yet...
We need to realize....
We don't have to be as strong as we make ourselves seem. Others truly want to share the burden. It's ok to not be perfect and let our walls down. IT REALLY IS OK! It actually creates relationship when we become vulnerable.
We REALLY don't have to hide ourselves from God. He's actually waiting for us to come to Him with how we TRULY feel....we don't have to "scrub" or "spit shine" ourselves first. We don't have to give Him the politically correct version of what we are feeling. He just wants US and in our rawest form is perfectly acceptable.
It's ok to NOT have the answers to give a friend struggling. We can just make sure they know we are here to LOVE them through the situations. If nothing else, PRAY for the situation. Sincerely pray. Not just say "I'm praying" and then not give it much more of a passing thought.
We have this amazing support system as a body of believers. We should never walk a difficult path alone. We should never allow another brother/sister in Christ walk alone either.
Heavy on my heart tonight to know that I'm guilty of both at different times. Walking alone by refusing to let others in and also of not reaching out to someone hurting or struggling. Praying that God will continue to soften my heart in both regards and that I will learn to respond accordingly.
I wonder...
What a difference it would make in the world if we just started being real with each other.
Why do so many of us still wear masks? Why is it that we still hide our struggles, fears, and anything that we feel make us less than perfect? What do we think we gain from that?
Why is it that when we need our greatest support systems we shut down and block others out?
Why is it that we feel like we can hide our deepest emotions from God? Don't we know that He already knows our every thought? Don't we know that He can handle our EVERY emotion? Even the darkest ones. He's felt every single one Himself.
He knows what is to be betrayed.
He knows what it is to wish that He could take a different path, but still say "yes" to the will of His father.
He knows physical pain.
He knows suffering.
He knows.
He understands.
He loves and offers grace and mercy.
Why is it that we know these things to be true and yet...
We still hide.
We still answer "I'm fine!" when others ask how we are doing.
We still carry this attitude of I can handle it on my own.
When will we realize that when others offer to help us and we say "no" or "I'm fine", we quite possibly are robbing THEM of a blessing. God may be speaking to THEIR heart about reaching out and we can be stepping in the way of allowing them to be used by Him.
When will realize that many times when someone asks us how we are doing, they are sincerely asking. OR when they ask if there is a way they can help, they truly want to lift at least a small portion of our burden---even if it's just to let us know that we are not alone and have an advocate.
Today, through multiple situations, I realized that many of us battle these things.
Yet...
We need to realize....
We don't have to be as strong as we make ourselves seem. Others truly want to share the burden. It's ok to not be perfect and let our walls down. IT REALLY IS OK! It actually creates relationship when we become vulnerable.
We REALLY don't have to hide ourselves from God. He's actually waiting for us to come to Him with how we TRULY feel....we don't have to "scrub" or "spit shine" ourselves first. We don't have to give Him the politically correct version of what we are feeling. He just wants US and in our rawest form is perfectly acceptable.
It's ok to NOT have the answers to give a friend struggling. We can just make sure they know we are here to LOVE them through the situations. If nothing else, PRAY for the situation. Sincerely pray. Not just say "I'm praying" and then not give it much more of a passing thought.
We have this amazing support system as a body of believers. We should never walk a difficult path alone. We should never allow another brother/sister in Christ walk alone either.
Heavy on my heart tonight to know that I'm guilty of both at different times. Walking alone by refusing to let others in and also of not reaching out to someone hurting or struggling. Praying that God will continue to soften my heart in both regards and that I will learn to respond accordingly.
I wonder...
What a difference it would make in the world if we just started being real with each other.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Life Skills Lesson
Anyone that has been a parent for very many years has probably noticed that there inevitably comes a time that a lesson you've "taught" (or preached!) to your children comes around to visit you! You then have to make a decision as to whether you follow what you preached and walk the walk or if you were just all talk. Sometimes it's about habits. Sometimes about faith. Sometimes it's about sin. Sometimes it's just....
Life lessons.
As adults we learned the invaluable lesson of the value of being debt free. We learned the weight and chains that debt places on you. So very painfully did we learn those lessons.
So we changed how we did everything. We started making the painful cuts. We started saying the painful no. We learned to live not only within our means, but below our means so that we could VERY SLOWLY inch towards freedom.
Almost a year ago we reached that mark. It felt like it took a lifetime to get to that point and it practically did. There is no way to describe the feeling that comes from those broken chains. We still have had to say no to many things and still live frugally in order to maintain that freedom. We've slowly been able to build up an emergency fund and we are actively saving towards our dream of being in the foreign mission field.
Then..
Life happens.
One thing after another breaks. Some things we've just let go and done without. Others have had no choice but to replace or repair. It's life.
We have taught and taught our children to start their teen years and young adults years with in their means, whatever that level may be. We didn't buy our daughter a car. We did encourage her to work and save. We encouraged patience and to proactively search for a car of her own in HER price range. The importance and the value of a dollar saved. She constantly said no to spending unnecessary money when out with friends or out shopping. She is THE BARGAIN shopper. She saved. She worked. Some days she worked at three different jobs. And it paid off....the work, commitment, and patience....
A couple of weeks ago she bought her first car. In cash. Every dollar on her own. She paid the taxes, title fee, and registration/license. The title is in her name. It belongs to her. It's almost as old as she is, but it's HERS. Free and clear. She's learned something that is PRICELESS, especially in our society.
Life lessons.
As adults we learned the invaluable lesson of the value of being debt free. We learned the weight and chains that debt places on you. So very painfully did we learn those lessons.
So we changed how we did everything. We started making the painful cuts. We started saying the painful no. We learned to live not only within our means, but below our means so that we could VERY SLOWLY inch towards freedom.
Almost a year ago we reached that mark. It felt like it took a lifetime to get to that point and it practically did. There is no way to describe the feeling that comes from those broken chains. We still have had to say no to many things and still live frugally in order to maintain that freedom. We've slowly been able to build up an emergency fund and we are actively saving towards our dream of being in the foreign mission field.
Then..
Life happens.
One thing after another breaks. Some things we've just let go and done without. Others have had no choice but to replace or repair. It's life.
We have taught and taught our children to start their teen years and young adults years with in their means, whatever that level may be. We didn't buy our daughter a car. We did encourage her to work and save. We encouraged patience and to proactively search for a car of her own in HER price range. The importance and the value of a dollar saved. She constantly said no to spending unnecessary money when out with friends or out shopping. She is THE BARGAIN shopper. She saved. She worked. Some days she worked at three different jobs. And it paid off....the work, commitment, and patience....
A couple of weeks ago she bought her first car. In cash. Every dollar on her own. She paid the taxes, title fee, and registration/license. The title is in her name. It belongs to her. It's almost as old as she is, but it's HERS. Free and clear. She's learned something that is PRICELESS, especially in our society.
Just four days prior to her finally finding HER "baby" (after refreshing Craigslist countless times a day for MONTHS!), Kevin's car quit. Completely out of the blue. NEVER had a single moment of trouble. NO hint of any major repairs ahead. My husband can fix nearly anything and we just figured this would be the case again. It would be a hassle. It had already been a "nightmare" day of him being stranded for three hours in the cold waiting for a tow truck ending in a nearly $200 fee. The next few days were spent praying and praying that it would be a simple fix. Long story short: it wasn't. After nearly $1,000 in various attempts at repairs and towing, countless hours under the hood and many more prayers...it was over. The junkyard became the home of what just days before was a working great vehicle.
Life happens that way.
Our fervant prayers for "easy" didn't turn out the way expected.
Yet, we still fully believe in God's goodness and His provision. He didn't allow things to happen as easy as we wanted. He didn't allow things to be stress free. I had belief that all was going to work out even up to that last minute of the decision to junk it when the final answer came back that the needed repairs were significant and more costly than the value of the car. I had faith that the answer would be good. Even the mechanic that we finally had to pay to dismantle the engine to find the problem didn't believe it would come back so significant. But it did.
Once upon a time I would have been devastated. Yes, we are in a place of hassle. Yes, it's easier to not share a car when you have a family and littles that constantly need to be somewhere five minutes ago! Yes, it's hard to balance when your husband doesn't work in the same town we live.
But we feel thankful. We feel grateful that we can coordinate schedules and make it work. We still have a reliable vehicle that gets the job done. It does mean saying no to some plans. It does mean learning patience.
AND....
It means we learn the same lessons we taught our daughter.
Work. Save. Be patient. Say no to countless things.
It would be easy to visit a dealership and buy a new car. It would be easy to just go purchase a car a few years old. On credit. Putting is in debt. Even for just a few years.
BUT...
The lessons were too painful and we learned them well. We can't put ourselves back under the yoke.
We will wait. We will save. We will learn to manage and be thankful for what we do have.
We will practice what we preached.
We will someday have a car back in the driveway for Kevin, but for now he'll continue to drive my "Gidget". (He just better take good care of her. She may not look so good these days after several IL winters, but she's paid for and serving us well!).
It would be easy to just go back on what we've been teaching and living and take the "easy" road. However, we know that the easy road has great costs at times.
Above all, we want our kids to see that we believe what we teach and that just because situations become difficult that we still walk the walk. We also want them to see us walk in faith and belief that God will provide for our needs---in His time and His way.
Monday, March 31, 2014
Faith-Filled or Faith-Less?
A recurring theme in life lately is teaching me that I have a problem. I'm absolutely certain I'm not the only one. It seems so rampant that we are finding it in nearly every book we are reading right now or recently completed (especially The Well and The Circle Maker...both highly, highly recommended!). It seems like it's showing up everywhere we look. Perhaps it's because we need to get the message in our hearts.
It's called the panic button.
It's called wanting the easy button.
It's called going to the wells of our comfort instead of trusting in the Holy Spirit.
When something goes wrong or a decision needs to be made (or a million at once it seems!), it's so easy to just go to our own strength. Immediately act in a knee jerk reaction that causes us to take the easy way. Or to "force" things to work instead of patiently waiting for His response. Especially for those of us that are "fixers" by nature. Or impatient. Or that thrive on being in control. (Surely, I didn't describe myself in one or more...or all...of those descriptions!).
We tend to act FIRST in our strength. We tend to go to Him LAST----when we feel like there is no other option. Or maybe I'm the only one willing to admit that!
We claim to walk in faith. Yet, we tend to FIRST try things our way.
You know what?
For me, that's a recipe for disaster. I tend to make my own messes worse. OR the problem does seem to work out, but in hind-sight I find that there would have been an easier answer had I just given God a chance to work it out through me, instead of through my own flawed power. OR I lose an opportunity to have seen God at work, growing my faith or being a witness to someone else how to walk in faith. OR I don't want to go through His way because His timing isn't necessarily the same or His path *seems* harder. I desire instant satisfaction of the problem being fixed. We are driven in a society that has come to need and rely on the instant. The easy button. The now button.
God has been revealing to my heart that sometimes we need to be in the moments of uncertainty. We need to be in the places that our dreams seem suddenly out of reach. We need to be in the middle of the storms.
I don't like it. I REALLY don't like it.
But....
It's necessary.
Something I read last week has caused me to come back multiple times to read it again. It's from a book by Wendy Blight that is going to be part of a Bible Study with Proverbs 31 Ministries beginning next week.
She says:
Life is messy, and God knows that. One of the reasons He gave us the Bible is to equip us to live out our faith in the midst of our messy lives. Each new day can bring with it a myriad of issues and problems. And each one requires us to make a choice. We can choose to make "faith-FILLED" choices, or we can choose to make "faith-LESS" choices. The faith-less choices tend to come easier for most of us. They occur when we react quickly out of our emotions and basically "do what comes naturally". And more often than not, those choices have negative consequences that hurt not only us but also everyone with whom we come in contact.
Faith-filled choices are harder to make. They occur when we react not out of our emotions but out of a Spirit-led heart and mind. And faith-filled choices have good consequences that bless not only us but also those around us.
Ouch! Point taken.
I'm finding myself asking much more often, is this decision a faith-filled one (where I've sought God first and TRUSTING Him) or am I acting purely out of my own emotions and in my power and making faith-less ones?
Unfortunately, I don't like the answer I'd have to give much too often.
Another question that keeps popping up that I'm asking myself (which will make another blog post for another day)--- is that a good intention or a God intention? There is a difference.
Learning to surrender more fully to Him definitely causes you to start looking at intentions, how you make decisions, and where our faith TRULY lies (in Him or in ourselves!). Unfortunately we don't necessarily like what we see when we CLOSELY look in the mirror. Fortunately, His grace is never ending and His power is made the strongest in our weaknesses. He didn't give us the easy button...but He did sacrificially give us Himself!!
It's called the panic button.
It's called wanting the easy button.
It's called going to the wells of our comfort instead of trusting in the Holy Spirit.
When something goes wrong or a decision needs to be made (or a million at once it seems!), it's so easy to just go to our own strength. Immediately act in a knee jerk reaction that causes us to take the easy way. Or to "force" things to work instead of patiently waiting for His response. Especially for those of us that are "fixers" by nature. Or impatient. Or that thrive on being in control. (Surely, I didn't describe myself in one or more...or all...of those descriptions!).
We tend to act FIRST in our strength. We tend to go to Him LAST----when we feel like there is no other option. Or maybe I'm the only one willing to admit that!
We claim to walk in faith. Yet, we tend to FIRST try things our way.
You know what?
For me, that's a recipe for disaster. I tend to make my own messes worse. OR the problem does seem to work out, but in hind-sight I find that there would have been an easier answer had I just given God a chance to work it out through me, instead of through my own flawed power. OR I lose an opportunity to have seen God at work, growing my faith or being a witness to someone else how to walk in faith. OR I don't want to go through His way because His timing isn't necessarily the same or His path *seems* harder. I desire instant satisfaction of the problem being fixed. We are driven in a society that has come to need and rely on the instant. The easy button. The now button.
God has been revealing to my heart that sometimes we need to be in the moments of uncertainty. We need to be in the places that our dreams seem suddenly out of reach. We need to be in the middle of the storms.
I don't like it. I REALLY don't like it.
But....
It's necessary.
Something I read last week has caused me to come back multiple times to read it again. It's from a book by Wendy Blight that is going to be part of a Bible Study with Proverbs 31 Ministries beginning next week.
She says:
Life is messy, and God knows that. One of the reasons He gave us the Bible is to equip us to live out our faith in the midst of our messy lives. Each new day can bring with it a myriad of issues and problems. And each one requires us to make a choice. We can choose to make "faith-FILLED" choices, or we can choose to make "faith-LESS" choices. The faith-less choices tend to come easier for most of us. They occur when we react quickly out of our emotions and basically "do what comes naturally". And more often than not, those choices have negative consequences that hurt not only us but also everyone with whom we come in contact.
Faith-filled choices are harder to make. They occur when we react not out of our emotions but out of a Spirit-led heart and mind. And faith-filled choices have good consequences that bless not only us but also those around us.
Ouch! Point taken.
I'm finding myself asking much more often, is this decision a faith-filled one (where I've sought God first and TRUSTING Him) or am I acting purely out of my own emotions and in my power and making faith-less ones?
Unfortunately, I don't like the answer I'd have to give much too often.
Another question that keeps popping up that I'm asking myself (which will make another blog post for another day)--- is that a good intention or a God intention? There is a difference.
Learning to surrender more fully to Him definitely causes you to start looking at intentions, how you make decisions, and where our faith TRULY lies (in Him or in ourselves!). Unfortunately we don't necessarily like what we see when we CLOSELY look in the mirror. Fortunately, His grace is never ending and His power is made the strongest in our weaknesses. He didn't give us the easy button...but He did sacrificially give us Himself!!
Sunday, March 30, 2014
The Hard Prayers
Life continues to be...well...messy. Unpredictable. Not exactly as *I* planned or working on *my* timetable. Just basically best described as a rollercoaster. Not specifically any major catastrophe, just lots of things going on at once (just like many of us are facing), it gets hard to balance.
Though some days it somewhat feels like life is falling apart, in reality...in TRUE reality (God's reality)....life is actually falling into place.
His place.
His order.
His timing.
It's a shaping process. A molding and chiseling. Sometimes that shaping is easy and sometimes it's painful. When we submit our lives to Him and specifically ask Him to shape us and put our feet on His path, we may quickly find that He answers that prayer....and it's not a comfortable one. My heart has been encouraged to begin praying those hard prayers. The ones that may require me to change. To let go of things. To surrender in areas. To allow our dreams to be shaped into His. Ones that reveal our own character flaws and our weaknesses. Ones that end up revealing our failures. Prayers that reveal where we wrongly place our faith.
Yet those are the places we HAVE to be to grow in Him. We've all heard the caution: "Be careful what you wish for!". For so long, I've carried that over into my prayer life. "Be careful what you pray for."
No longer.
No more.
I am praying those hard prayers.
Lord change me.
Lord YOUR will.
Lord YOUR timing.
Lord YOUR direction.
Lord, reveal to me my hidden sin.
Lord, show me my weaknesses so that YOUR strength can be made known.
Lord, less of me and more of you.
Lord, teach me to trust YOU.
And He answers.
And....
it's so not an easy road.
But...
It's through these seasons that true growth happens.
Just going to have to put on my seatbelt and hold on tight to see where the journey with Him leads. No better place to be.
Though some days it somewhat feels like life is falling apart, in reality...in TRUE reality (God's reality)....life is actually falling into place.
His place.
His order.
His timing.
It's a shaping process. A molding and chiseling. Sometimes that shaping is easy and sometimes it's painful. When we submit our lives to Him and specifically ask Him to shape us and put our feet on His path, we may quickly find that He answers that prayer....and it's not a comfortable one. My heart has been encouraged to begin praying those hard prayers. The ones that may require me to change. To let go of things. To surrender in areas. To allow our dreams to be shaped into His. Ones that reveal our own character flaws and our weaknesses. Ones that end up revealing our failures. Prayers that reveal where we wrongly place our faith.
Yet those are the places we HAVE to be to grow in Him. We've all heard the caution: "Be careful what you wish for!". For so long, I've carried that over into my prayer life. "Be careful what you pray for."
No longer.
No more.
I am praying those hard prayers.
Lord change me.
Lord YOUR will.
Lord YOUR timing.
Lord YOUR direction.
Lord, reveal to me my hidden sin.
Lord, show me my weaknesses so that YOUR strength can be made known.
Lord, less of me and more of you.
Lord, teach me to trust YOU.
And He answers.
And....
it's so not an easy road.
But...
It's through these seasons that true growth happens.
Just going to have to put on my seatbelt and hold on tight to see where the journey with Him leads. No better place to be.
Thursday, March 27, 2014
The Right Thing
Sometimes we go through situations with people that just leave us, well...
Broken.
Bruised.
Battered.
Carrying scars.
OH how in our flesh we want to just hurt them back. Inflict even just a small portion of the pain back to them that they've caused. ( I'm just being honest. Maybe too honest---but I believe in telling the real truth without masks.)
Yet, that is not what Christ calls us to do. He calls us to LOVE and to forgive. So many times that is HARD. Impossible without His love flowing through us.
Recently I felt this to the very core of my being. I did the right thing in regards to a broken relationship. It was also the HARD thing. Many times doing something "right" is far from easy. It can actually be excruciating and even cause great fear. No matter what the "emotions" are, the right thing is still right. God doesn't say His way is the easy way, but He does promise help to do it.
I did the right thing and it felt like it backfired. My heart was broken even more. Old wounds became raw again and the healing that had felt like had been taken place over the last several years just seemed to be thrown out the door. Satan was able to take that little door of doubt in my heart, was able to twist the truth, and dig the wounds deeper.
Until....
I told him to stop. I recognized what was happening in my own heart and refused to let it continue. I put that pain back under the blood of Christ and gave it BACK to Him. Letting it go. Releasing the forgiveness. Allowed Him to speak the truth back into my heart through His word and through others. I put into practice some skills I had been learning about replacing lies with truth by speaking specific verses.
It worked. It didn't immediately erase the hurt or change the fact that I wish certain situations were different. BUT....
The anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness melted away.
I was reminded that the right thing sometimes may end up feeling like the wrong thing because it hurts. Because it's not what our flesh wants. Because it may not be the normal way the world handle things.
But right is still right.
Right is always right.
Doing the right thing is what matters most. We need to never doubt that. Even when the circumstances around us make it feel like doing the right thing isn't worth it.
God redeems. God heals. God provides. God is just. God is full of mercy.
God also leans down and picks us up when we are wounded and battered. He wraps us up and holds us in the palm of His hands. Just like when a little one falls, they go running to mom for a kiss or a Band-Aid that magically heals on contact (or at least my kids thought they did---especially ones in their favorite characters!).
Keep on doing the right thing. Even when the right thing isn't the easiest thing. Even when it feels like it did no good and even when it feels like your heart ends up wounded.
God sees it.
He knows.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Relationships
If I had to choose one theme that has been running through my head/heart from Hearts at Home and Teach Them Diligently (and just life itself!), it would be relationship.
It's ALL about relationship.
I can't be the best wife, mother, teacher, or ME if I don't first work on ME. My relationship with Him above all else. I HAVE to be in His word for myself. NOT just devotionals. NOT just through music. NOT just through great books. Those are a part of being in touch and growing in Him and are fantastic TOOLS, but they are NOT the most essential. I HAVE to be directly in HIS word and in prayer FIRST. I'll never forget a speaker a previous year describing the Bible as a love letter to each of us. We most definitely wouldn't want to hand over a love letter from our beloved to be read to us by someone else first. I absolutely would want to read that first hand! We in effect do the same thing when we use our quiet times as only spending time reading what OTHERS have learned from the Bible. I am an AVID reader and an introvert and I find it vital to have myself surrounded by countless books, blogs, and writings/videos from great Christian speakers/writers. However, if I'm NOT in HIS word, for myself, first hand....I greatly limit my growth in knowing Him. His word is alive and active. To hear from Him, I have to be communicating with Him. Not having His letter read to me! When life is busy and overwhelming (let's face it---daily!!!) and I'm tempted to let actual BIBLE reading for myself slip down the list, I do picture holding a letter from Kevin and before opening it handing it to someone else to read to me. That just doesn't hold the same value!
I also have to take care of myself---physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I go through seasons of doing that fairly well and others of letting myself fall to the bottom of the list. I've spent the last several months at the bottom, but fortunately some wake up calls have been a catalyst to make changes and I'm bringing myself up that list! Sometimes it's saying a yes to myself and sometimes it's saying a no to other things. Even great things can be wrong if not balanced! (Yesterday began a new chapter as our schedules have drastically changed with how often I have" littles" and other activities...it WAS painful and IS painful to let things go...but the big picture is what matters most!).
It's about relationship with those that we love the most and need us the most. I learned valuable skills in teaching my kids at the conferences, and I can see some of those skills making positive changes for each of their different needs...
BUT...
It's really about the RELATIONSHIP.
Knowing them. Loving them. Putting heart above all else. Bringing them to a place that lets them see Christ in everyday life. He will do the changes. His Spirit will do the leading. It's up to me to just make our home a place that invites Him into EVERYTHING. Lots of confirmation through the last weeks that show we are on the right track with many things and confirmation of areas that we've fallen completely off and derailed. It's about being a student of our child. It's about breaking down walls (especially OUR OWN) and getting in deep. It's about undivided attention. TRULY being present. Shutting down all distractions (especially those pesky handheld media devices!) and letting go of the to-do lists, should and shouldn't lists! JUST being present in THEIR world on THEIR level! If we want them to listen to us later, we have to make sure we are listening to them NOW! It all comes down to heart. Connecting. Growing together. Failing together and starting again. LAUGHING together.
The same with our spouses.
I also spent lot of time thinking about relationships and their values.
The kids were able to spend some quality time with us, completely away from the stress of life. (Yes, it did take a day to let it go and to physically see the weight lift!). Kevin and I were able to spend several days together with the ability to have uninterrupted DEEP conversation that seems to be limited at home (ha!---can't imagine why!). The kids spent several days with my stepmom on the farm. Yes, it's STILL hard when we arrive and Daddy/Grandpa isn't there---and I don't know if that will ever be a pain that gets easier---but they had a BLAST making memories. Bradlee was only 4 months when we moved, so EVERY experience back "home" is like a first for him and seeing it through his eyes is JOY! That time with her was truly a priceless gift. Just so much was packed into those few days for them! (Seriously---what boy wouldn't love riding through the cow pastures on Mema's camo golf cart!)Those days are incredibly important to us since we live completely away from family. We didn't get to see very many other family members or friends due to timing (especially with Spring Break travel) and with us spending only two nights at "home". (It also continues to remind me how much we miss others that we didn't get to see on this trip or others that live even greater distances away!)
For me, I also had the incredible gift of getting to see a VERY dear mentor in my life for the first time in WAY too many years. It was only a few minutes, but it did so much for my heart. Just a treasure. Words cannot express how much those minutes meant...just to see and hear this precious lady in person. It also thrilled me to unexpectedly see another local family at the TTD conference that is about to start their home education journey. NEVER imagined we'd run into a familiar face. It also reminded me of the NEED to support others along this journey (whether it's home education, during times of spiritual needs, or just a season of life...we ALL have people that we can join with to support!).We all have something to offer others and we all have need to be supported by others and learning for them. Relationship.
This week also cemented some other needs in relationships. Maintaining or setting new boundaries depending on the situation. Letting go. Learning to say NO more and continuing to say no in others. Letting comparisons go. Letting harmful relationships go. Continuing to forgive, heal, and move on in areas. Some relationships are messy and hurtful. As much as you wish they weren't, they are. Learning to be who we are as God designed us and not wearing the hats others wrongly put on us. Walking confidently in our shoes, on our path....not necessarily the path others have made or wish for us to walk.
Relationships.
With Him.
With ourselves. Healthy ones that create the best opportunity to be the best we can be, to be a vessel that can be used the greatest by Him.
With our spouses. Fully devoted. Together on the same page.
With our children. Undivided attention.
With others. Supporting. Embracing. Letting go when necessary.
Growing together.
It's ALL about relationship.
I can't be the best wife, mother, teacher, or ME if I don't first work on ME. My relationship with Him above all else. I HAVE to be in His word for myself. NOT just devotionals. NOT just through music. NOT just through great books. Those are a part of being in touch and growing in Him and are fantastic TOOLS, but they are NOT the most essential. I HAVE to be directly in HIS word and in prayer FIRST. I'll never forget a speaker a previous year describing the Bible as a love letter to each of us. We most definitely wouldn't want to hand over a love letter from our beloved to be read to us by someone else first. I absolutely would want to read that first hand! We in effect do the same thing when we use our quiet times as only spending time reading what OTHERS have learned from the Bible. I am an AVID reader and an introvert and I find it vital to have myself surrounded by countless books, blogs, and writings/videos from great Christian speakers/writers. However, if I'm NOT in HIS word, for myself, first hand....I greatly limit my growth in knowing Him. His word is alive and active. To hear from Him, I have to be communicating with Him. Not having His letter read to me! When life is busy and overwhelming (let's face it---daily!!!) and I'm tempted to let actual BIBLE reading for myself slip down the list, I do picture holding a letter from Kevin and before opening it handing it to someone else to read to me. That just doesn't hold the same value!
I also have to take care of myself---physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I go through seasons of doing that fairly well and others of letting myself fall to the bottom of the list. I've spent the last several months at the bottom, but fortunately some wake up calls have been a catalyst to make changes and I'm bringing myself up that list! Sometimes it's saying a yes to myself and sometimes it's saying a no to other things. Even great things can be wrong if not balanced! (Yesterday began a new chapter as our schedules have drastically changed with how often I have" littles" and other activities...it WAS painful and IS painful to let things go...but the big picture is what matters most!).
It's about relationship with those that we love the most and need us the most. I learned valuable skills in teaching my kids at the conferences, and I can see some of those skills making positive changes for each of their different needs...
BUT...
It's really about the RELATIONSHIP.
Knowing them. Loving them. Putting heart above all else. Bringing them to a place that lets them see Christ in everyday life. He will do the changes. His Spirit will do the leading. It's up to me to just make our home a place that invites Him into EVERYTHING. Lots of confirmation through the last weeks that show we are on the right track with many things and confirmation of areas that we've fallen completely off and derailed. It's about being a student of our child. It's about breaking down walls (especially OUR OWN) and getting in deep. It's about undivided attention. TRULY being present. Shutting down all distractions (especially those pesky handheld media devices!) and letting go of the to-do lists, should and shouldn't lists! JUST being present in THEIR world on THEIR level! If we want them to listen to us later, we have to make sure we are listening to them NOW! It all comes down to heart. Connecting. Growing together. Failing together and starting again. LAUGHING together.
The same with our spouses.
I also spent lot of time thinking about relationships and their values.
The kids were able to spend some quality time with us, completely away from the stress of life. (Yes, it did take a day to let it go and to physically see the weight lift!). Kevin and I were able to spend several days together with the ability to have uninterrupted DEEP conversation that seems to be limited at home (ha!---can't imagine why!). The kids spent several days with my stepmom on the farm. Yes, it's STILL hard when we arrive and Daddy/Grandpa isn't there---and I don't know if that will ever be a pain that gets easier---but they had a BLAST making memories. Bradlee was only 4 months when we moved, so EVERY experience back "home" is like a first for him and seeing it through his eyes is JOY! That time with her was truly a priceless gift. Just so much was packed into those few days for them! (Seriously---what boy wouldn't love riding through the cow pastures on Mema's camo golf cart!)Those days are incredibly important to us since we live completely away from family. We didn't get to see very many other family members or friends due to timing (especially with Spring Break travel) and with us spending only two nights at "home". (It also continues to remind me how much we miss others that we didn't get to see on this trip or others that live even greater distances away!)
For me, I also had the incredible gift of getting to see a VERY dear mentor in my life for the first time in WAY too many years. It was only a few minutes, but it did so much for my heart. Just a treasure. Words cannot express how much those minutes meant...just to see and hear this precious lady in person. It also thrilled me to unexpectedly see another local family at the TTD conference that is about to start their home education journey. NEVER imagined we'd run into a familiar face. It also reminded me of the NEED to support others along this journey (whether it's home education, during times of spiritual needs, or just a season of life...we ALL have people that we can join with to support!).We all have something to offer others and we all have need to be supported by others and learning for them. Relationship.
This week also cemented some other needs in relationships. Maintaining or setting new boundaries depending on the situation. Letting go. Learning to say NO more and continuing to say no in others. Letting comparisons go. Letting harmful relationships go. Continuing to forgive, heal, and move on in areas. Some relationships are messy and hurtful. As much as you wish they weren't, they are. Learning to be who we are as God designed us and not wearing the hats others wrongly put on us. Walking confidently in our shoes, on our path....not necessarily the path others have made or wish for us to walk.
Relationships.
With Him.
With ourselves. Healthy ones that create the best opportunity to be the best we can be, to be a vessel that can be used the greatest by Him.
With our spouses. Fully devoted. Together on the same page.
With our children. Undivided attention.
With others. Supporting. Embracing. Letting go when necessary.
Growing together.
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