Thursday, April 19, 2018

Linger Longer

It's almost been a month now that Kevin and I have been able to embrace mornings together.  Those 18 or more years of him leaving in the dark and returning in the dark have temporarily been replaced with leaving in the daylight and now, particularly with the time change, coming home before dusk. Obviously that's incredibly good for a body that was living like a vampire with very little access to daylight. It wasn't until this morning that it hit me that he's sleeping better, snoring less and is less likely to get punched for kicking me all night. Ok, I don't really punch him, but I've threatened more than a few times.  Some unexpected benefits that I'll gladly accept. :)

Instead of him leaving a zombie wife behind that would mumble a few mostly incoherent words at 4 am, we're enjoying a couple of hours of mostly uninterrupted time. Instead of sleeping in, we're choosing to get up before our crew and focusing on our relationship and our spiritual relationships, both together and individually. God is getting our best, instead of our leftovers. Some seasons He barely got a nod. Because of this, we're seeing it renew and transform us in countless ways. We've always been deeply bonded, but because of our spiritual intimacy that's growing, we're seeing it bringing a new awakening. A new thirst for Him and a renewed connection with each other.  We're getting each other's best, instead of an empty tank with nothing left to give. Communication is easier and deeper, much less likely to be misunderstood or unheard. There's a joy in being kind to each other and recognizing and remembering how impactful little things are. There's just a greater awareness of each other's needs. Little time is wasted. Laughter is much more often. The hard days more bearable. We're back to being able to communicate with just a look, no words necessary and on the same wavelength of thought more and more.

Now, there's a point to all this. Now that you're most likely gagging at the sappy, sugary description of the joys our mornings have brought...

There's been a few off days he's had to go in early again to be able to conference call with Italy and the time difference or to cover someone's absence. Yesterday, I never made it out of bed because a lupus flare flattened me.

Those lost mornings left me feeling a bit empty, less productive, whiny, short tempered, easily irritated, not as emotionally engaging. Maybe not all at once, and at various different degrees, but there was a definite shift in my day and mindset. It even affected my self esteem and my "inner thoughts" because there's just something about taking the time to be fully dressed and "made up" and to walk out and see him off for the day instead of frumpy and grumpy.

This morning I sat down to spend some more time in Bible study. We do a few things together before he leaves, but I still do my deeper studies and engage in groups and check in with friends, social media, etc. throughout the day. As I sat down to journal through my #wordbeforeworld challenge, I began to think about how different I feel today versus yesterday. I'm not physically 100% by far, but we did enjoy a full morning together and I got up and about. My whole demeanor is better and though I know today's physically challenging, I'm mentally prepared. I was thinking how different my emotions are today versus yesterday.

And He nudged my heart. His voice of gentle conviction rolled over me.

His Spirit reminded me of that very vivid difference I'm feeling in comparison of my days, is what He feels when I give Him all of me or when I give Him my leftovers. All those noticeable positives I feel when Kevin and I are purposeful with our time, are the same positives when I give Him my best.  He longs for my focused connected time with Him.  Our intimacy grows. I'm more attuned to hear His voice. My eyes look for Him and my ears are perked in expectation. I walk with greater purpose and my heart is changed. Just as I feel more alive spending quality time with my husband, I am more radiant when I sit at His feet. When I linger, I glow.

"Those that look to Him are radiant..." Psalm 34:5

"When your words came, I ate them; they were my joy and my heart's delight, for I bear your name, O Lord God Almighty." Jeremiah 15:16

The emptiness I feel when I don't get quality time with Kevin and how I ache for that, my Saviour desires of me. He doesn't want a check mark of devotion. He wants my heart in worship and adoration. Wants me to just "be with" Him because I desire to BE THERE. With no one else or nowhere else.  Sometimes the best moments of marriage are the precious memories you two share behind the scenes and how they are "just yours" (and they don't necessarily have to be good, some of our most cherished came in HARD times).  There is a special contentment to just sit and share in those together. Just being together is a treasure. That is what He longs for with my heart as well. Don't you feel like a chosen gift when someone loves you for YOU and not just for what they can get from you?

His gentle reminder this morning draws me to linger. To just sit in His presence. To enjoy Him for who He is, not just for what He can do. It reminds me of how I feel when connected intricately with my husband is a treasure, how much more of a priceless gift is time with Him. To feel the vivid, stark difference is now imprinted in my heart.

Linger.
A bit longer.
Purposefully at His feet.

Tuesday, April 3, 2018

Fraud Prevention

Yesterday, I did something rare (for me) on social media. I started a post with, "Monday, you suck." You see, I am a drill sergeant when it comes to foul language. It has no place coming from the mouth of a Christian, though others will disagree. And though that word isn't on many radars as foul, I've considered it questionable and not been a fan of hearing it. But some days, honestly speaking, that word applies.

It was already highly stressful in our minds because we had an appointment on the calendar to get the results from some serious and pressing medical testing. Sleep was hard to come by. Easter Sunday  evening ended with a dumping of snow and then early morning ice. Before dawn we heard a loud crash, but we honestly ignored it. It sounded like a trash truck, snow plow, or construction materials being unloaded across the street. We've become pretty used to those sounds. About 15 minutes later, we jumped out of our skin because the doorbell rang. Before sunrise. Kev threw on shorts and went to the door. Baxter goes berserk at the door and though I tried to keep him from getting out of the bedroom, he followed Kev out. At the door stood a policeman and Baxter got out the front door. Can you picture this? Like one of those family comedy movie scenes. Kev came back to our room, with a recaptured dog, and starting getting fully dressed and looked for his glasses, to which we both can't see without them. "Hey, babe, that's a cop at the door. The snowplow hit Adriana's car." We've been thoroughly embracing these few mornings together watching the sun rise, but looking out the window to that scene, wasn't so serene. By the time the police report was done, the city plow driver and his supervisor gone, the debris cleaned up, we were running late. It was a scramble to get cars moved, 6 or more inches of snow and ice removed from cars, one child out the door to work... and then Kevin fell on the ice. Yep. Where was the video crew for the crazy adventure of Goad life? We made it to the appointment. The news was good in regards that it was a relief on one hand, but not so good in others. Not the worst scenario, but not a "you're good to go" scenario either. Lots to absorb at once. On a crazy day. (Maybe at another time I'll share more, but today's not that day. Please respect that.) We sent one Goad off one way, grabbed another from a waiting area.  Then we sat in the car and looked at each other and collectively took a breath. Now it was a race home to deal with the crashed car. She'd gone on to work in one of ours, but that was only a temporary solution. It took 8 phone calls before we ever got connected to the "right" person at the right time.  Some of those calls weren't so pretty and required some force we aren't accustomed to using. Finally got approval for a rental car, but because she's only 20 that was even complicated. After getting that, Kevin finally went into work.  I tried to get some sanity restored and we still had school to do. It was already 2:00. Then there were more phone calls, adjustor visit, and more calls. More chaos. A date night that wasn't so great because we both were beat, overwhelmed and stressed. We ended the day finally plopping in bed, sharing one look, and dissolving in laughter. What else can you do on such a day? We both just said, really? Really? Did this day really happen this way?

If you've read this far, let me FINALLY get to the point.

We can sometimes be guilty of "prettying up" our faith. Honesty is where we all connect and grow together. If we only paint the picture of the good stuff, never our failures, fears, shortcomings....we are frauds.

Yesterday wasn't pretty. Today isn't either. We're going through some hard things. Our handling of it all isn't always the best. Our faith is our lifeline, but sometimes it takes a beating. Some days it takes the encouragement of others to support us and remind us to cling tighter. We are that support many days to others; others we are or need to be on the receiving end.

Some days what's under the surface is damaged and needs fixing. It may not be completely visible. It may look ok. That friend may look like they have it all together. They don't. Trust me, we're all a mess. We all are in some despair or brokenness. Joy is real, sustaining, and life giving. That doesn't mean there isn't hurt.

Her car is an example. Yes, there's visible damage.  Like a missing mirror. Some of the damage you don't see until you get a foot away.  Like dents and scrapes. Some damage isn't visible until you try to use it. Like a door that won't open and engine noise because of broken motor mounts. But the real damage isn't on the surface that you see just driving by. It's underneath. It's the warped alignment, the bent wheel, and suspension issues. That car, honestly, at first glance doesn't look so horribly bad, but it's our understanding it's most likely going to be considered totaled. (Which creates a whole other level of stress. Of course the last two weekends had dozens of hours and hundreds of dollars of work done on it by Kevin to keep it tip top shape. Timing. Sigh.)

Our faith can look and feel like that. I admitted to someone dear this morning that I feel like a fraud at times. Do hard seasons make you feel that way? You TRUST God with your whole being, you serve Him, love others, etc... but in the deep places you're angry, hurt, weak, confused, tired, or just uncertain. Does Satan use that time to twist you up in knots, convince you that God can't be trusted, or make your faith feel weak?

Here's what I'm reminded of, it's not being a fraud to struggle. Faith doesn't require perfection. It's sometimes messy. It's sometimes a wrestling.

Guess what? He gets that. He understands that. He doesn't run from our honesty. He doesn't even turn His back on us when we make our own messes even messier. I don't even think He looks down in shame at me when I admit the day sucks. Maybe He wishes I'd express it differently (me too), but He's most likely whispering, "I know it does. Just keep holding on to me through this stormy season."

Perhaps the best fraud prevention IS honesty. Because without honesty, that's where fraud develops.

After a complete breakdown earlier today, I was reading a verse I often cling to. Today it jumped off the pages and spoke directly and deeply.

"So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, CONTINUE to live in him, ROOTED and BUILT up in him, STRENGTHENED in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with THANKFULNESS." Colossians 2: 6-7

The key to not being a fraud, the keys to surviving through dark seasons and "hidden damage" below the surface, is found in that short passage.

Continue.
Rooted and Built up.
Strengthened.
Overflowing with Thankfulness.

It really changes everything. Sustains. And gives you the courage to cling to what matters on those most difficult days and seasons. Even when YOU feel like you've been totaled.