"So...What are YOU going to Do?"

Our current sermon series at church is entitled "So...what are you going to do?".  It's going to be several weeks spent studying the book of Nehemiah. 

Today the thought that stuck with me is the patience of which Nehemiah began his task of rebuilding the city walls of Jerusalem.  Even after he received approval from the king to start the task, he didn't just rush in full speed ahead.  Even though he had the "hand of God" on him, he didn't just start the project.  He went about with a spirit of humility.  He took his time in getting his bearings.  He slipped into the city quietly.

I personally could learn so much from that tactic.  How many times do we hear God's voice say "Go!" and then take off running?  Doing what He asks is EXTREMELY important, but do we wait long enough to hear ALL of the instructions.  How many times do we start running without waiting to hear him tell us HOW or WHERE?  Because we don't patiently wait for ALL of his directions, we end up frustrated, out of energy.  Learning to listen discerningly is important otherwise we miss GOD moments.  Once I'm to the point of being frustrated or lose my motivation, then the real danger starts.  That's when I start the blaming God game.  How many times have I thought or said "God, this isn't fair...you said to do this, but I'm not getting anywhere or it didn't work"?  WAY too many times.  How many times do I race out on a task, attempt to do it in my own power, and then ask God to bless the efforts AFTERWARDS?

Truly being obedient to God involves ACTIVELY listening for ALL of the directions.  Enthusiasm IS a necessary component, but many times it is patience that is needed.  It doesn't matter that what I'm wanting to do MAY truly be of God's will and His directing, but if I don't stop long enough to listen to Him at every single step, I tend to find myself at the point of frustration.  What I am attempting to do may have started out along the right path, but if I'm not very careful I can find that somewhere along the line I stepped out of HIM guiding and into the realm of MYSELF.  Other times I  learn powerful lessons from the fact that some tasks He just wants us to START.  He may at times only want us to open a door and then let HIM finish the work.  I think that tends to be where I find myself most discouraged.  Sometimes He leads me to start something, but the "finish" isn't immediate.  The results aren't instant and my response becomes quite childish.  I sulk or throw my hands up and say it isn't worth it. 

I've found myself in many frustrating situations in recent months that deal with these same thoughts and today's message helped me see that having to WAIT for the next step isn't a bad thing.   God has started me on a couple of paths recently and I've felt like He has left me alone and that at times has left me questioning if it was TRULY Him directing me and IF so, then where did He go.  Today's message reminded me that He hasn't gone anywhere and that continuing to WAIT is the place He needs me to be.  From my view point, I don't have the same vision He has and I can't see the whole picture yet.  He can.  I don't know why I'm being asked to wait for Him to reveal the next steps, but He does and when His timing is PERFECT and as LONG as I am listening, He will provide the next step in the process.  After all, how many times has someone given us complicated directions....for example physical directions to a location or directions on how to complete a project but after the 2-3rd step we REALLY TRULY tune-out.   Don't we tend to end up confused or decide OUR way might just be easier or have different results.  Then of course, we tend to end up lost, frustrated, the recipe flops or the project falls apart.  Yes, sometimes one step at a time might be exactly what God needs to give us!  As a mother, I've learned that ifI need my kids to accomplish something, the best thing for me to do is to break it down into VERY small tasks.  If I give them a whole list with more than 1 or 2 steps, I might as well just give up and do it myself.  God knows that there are times that He needs to do that with me as well.  So, for now, I don't need to focus on the end result but rather slow down and patiently wait for His next step to be revealed. 

And the book winner is....

I decided to choose two names for the book giveaway....and the winners are:

Terri S. and Shannon C.

I hope you ladies find something inspirational in the book!  I'm reading another one in the same series called "What Happens When Women Walk in Faith" and oh boy...it's a good one, too!  Unfortunately, it's from the library so I haven't been able to go pink highlighter crazy! 

Terri send me a message with your address and  I'll get it out to you this week.  Shannon, I have yours from the C.O.W website. 

A Giveaway! Everyone loves FREE!

I loved Lysa Terkeurst's book, "When a Woman Says Yes to God" so much that I want to share it.   Kevin and I had so many conversations about this book that we made the decision to purchase several copies.  I wanted to have the opportunity to give it to various women as prompted by the Holy Spirit.   My first copy to be given away will be to a reader of my blog.  To enter, just leave a comment!  It's THAT simple!  Winner will be chosen at random on Sunday October 24th.....just because that's Kevin's birthday (and it's also our daughter-in-law's as well!).  (*open to US residents only*)

 (If you have trouble posting a comment and use the annonymous setting, please be sure to include your name and email address!) 

A First---but NOT a Last

This weekend I was blessed to do something I have NEVER done in my adult life.  I spent time alone.  It was strange to say the very least.  From high school, I went straight to college, and was married before finishing.  At the time of marriage came a "ready made" family since Kevin had two sons.  Just weeks before our 1st anniversary, I was preganant with Adriana.  Having been a stay at home mom from the very beginning and homeschooling since 2001, there has never been a REAL time that I've experienced being alone.  I've always been in wife and mother mode. 

This weekend, after waiting about 13 years too long, I finally took my "alone" time.  From Friday afternoon until Sunday afternoon, not once did I cook, clean up after someone else, make any decisions in regards to anything child or family.   Though the weekend was a scrapbooking retreat with 34 other women, I found myself able to leave the group at will and find complete silence and solitude.  To say it was amazing, is an understatement.  I also have to admit it was completely strange and somewhat unnerving in the beginning.  What do you do with that SUDDEN aloneness?  What do you think about first and how to you soak it all in?  Though it was interesting, it was absolutely priceless for me. 

I did spend MANY hours getting to enjoy my passion of scrapbooking and being creative.  That time was VERY enjoyable and MUCH appreciated, but it was the "other" time that did me the most good. 

Our location was a small Christian retreat center and they welcomed us with TRUE southern hospitality (how great it was to hear a southern accent WAY more pronounced than mine EVER was!).  I packed a bag full of snacks (ones PURPOSELY chosen for me to enjoy without having to share with my kids....evil, I know!!!) .  I was amazed that I very seldom reached in that bag unless it was after midnight.  Shannon and her SMALL crew provided us with such excellent food and snacks that I never had the chance for the "munchies" to hit.  Not once did I have to decide what to cook, actually cook, or wash a single dish.  I didn't have to referee kids bickering or refusing to eat...and not once did I have to cut up someone else's food!  I didn't even have to clean up any spills or messes.  Even the "act" of cleaning up and re-packing my belongings and scrapbooking gear was a breeze since I kept things organized as I went along.  No little "hands" messed things up in the process or destroyed anything. 

All though EACH of those things was great, it was the peace and solitude that I was blessed to find AWAY from the group.  Each morning, though it was chilly, I sat in one of those big Cracker-Barrel style rocking chairs on the deck overlooking the lake and enjoying reading my Bible or writing.  The view just immediately put me in a mind-set of worship and communion with God.  At home, that same "feeling" is hard to find when you are pulled in so many incredibly directions and fulfilling so many roles.  This weekend my only role was to be ME. 

A couple of times I left the group to take a short walk around the "lake", but I knew from the retreat website that there were trails and wooded areas, including a "prayer walk".  The ladies that were sitting in my area had attended many of these retreats, but had never left the main area and didn't have a clue about what I was talking about.  For those of you that know me well, you know I don't ask many questions or "talk" to those I don't know very well.  However, I went out of my comfort zone and found the director and asked.  Since some flooding had taken place in previous months, the prayer walk "stations" weren't maintained over the summer, but the trail was fully functional.  He spent about 5 minutes from the ROOF of the retreat center, giving me directions and suggestions for a couple of other places to visit.  I ended up spending almost 2 hours without a SINGLE person in sight and walked at least a couple of miles.  It was the most refreshing time I've had in a VERY long time.  One of the most powerful moments was when I "discovered" the remote bonfire pit with a wooden cross.  It looked straight like it was out of scene in FireProof.  Priceless.  Needed.  Thankful. 

I admit that I looked forward to this trip with such anticipation and couldn't wait for my "freedom".  It was something Kevin greatly encouraged me to do even though the $115 was a difficult stretch budget wise.  Fortunately, I was able to pay $40 down and then $5-$10 a week until the balance was paid.  When I left Friday, I did have a few minutes of panic and regret.  Kevin called as I was pulling out of our subdivision and he was met with tears because I didn't want to leave once the time actually came.  Between his pep talk and my getting a few miles down the road, it didn't take long to find my excitement again!  :)

Coming home I was met with an empty house.  It was strange walking in.  However, Mr. Superman had been to work.  Most of the other moms at our retreat, will be welcomed back with destroyed houses and loads of work to do to get things back in order.  Not me!  Blessed beyond words.  I was met with a mostly clean house, .laundry in process and a roast and veggies cooking.  Yes, superman had TRULY visited our home.  Fortunately (or unfortunately....not sure which), reality set back in.  Once they got back home (15 seconds after I had taken in my last load from the car...), I was greeted by a great big round of hugs and kisses quickly followed by bickering and chaos.  Yes, life is back to normal!!!!  The real question is....am I back to normal or am I changed?  I look forward to waiting to see what that answer will be! 

Finally Taking a Step in Full Obedience

Have you ever noticed that when God tells you to do something and you don't immediately do it, He pursues you RELENTLESSLY?  If you aren't obedient the first time, He doesn't just say "Well, never mind".  I don't do that with my kids when they don't do what I ask the first time.  I STAY on them until they do it.  God is the same way.

For quite awhile, God has been "prompting" us to get rid of our cable.  We didn't listen.  He didn't stop asking.  EVERY single time I would turn around, there would be another "sign" or another tap on my heart that it was time to "unplug" it.  I didn't listen.  I didn't step out in obedience. 

I have tossed and turned and run every direction except in the direction He has asked.  I have tried to be "partially" obedient in regards to making good choices about watching what is appropriate.  However, partial obedience doesn't exist.  It's still flat out disobedience.  I go through the roof when my kids only partially do a job I have asked, God expects no less of me.  The more I began to make better choices about what I would watch, I still didn't have peace that I was doing the right thing.  God has asked more of us.  It may not be something he is asking of your family, but for us this is what He has asked. 

So today, I did what he asked.  We are going COLD TURKEY and ending our relationship with the cable company (except for Internet service).  That also means that for the interim, we will also be without normal/regular TV as well.  Our TVs are "ancient" and will require the converter boxes to receive any channels.  We could probably go purchase the box, but at this point, we are going to wait.  We can still watch shows on our laptops through Hulu or Fancast and I have reactivated our Netflix accounts so we can watch movies through our Wii.  I still need access to educational programming.  We still want to watch movies and programs as a family.  TV in itself isn't bad.  That isn't the issue. 

The issue is that God asked us to make a change and we didn't step out in faith and follow his direction.  I decided it was more important to hang on to my habits than to follow God's request.  I decided I cared more about what my kids might think or what our "friends" might think.  I cared more about what the world might think of us becoming EVEN greater FREAKS!  Perhaps, THAT is exactly why God says to unplug it! 

The first step is complete and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted because I finally did what He asked.  I have completely removed the TV set from our bedroom.  We've talked about it many times before, but never committed to doing it.  I watch A LOT of TV after everyone else was asleep.  Now that I won't have a DVR with hours of recorded shows, that issue is suddenly a non-issue.  Since my change in heart about what is appropriate for me to personally watch has drastically changed, that backlog of shows had rapidly decreased anyway.  Talking about wasted money down the drain!  I also was hesitant about doing it because Bradlee crawls in bed with me EARLY in the morning and as soon as he wakes up, I turn a show on for him so I can "steal" another few minutes of sleep.  I'm not sure how God will solve that problem for me, but if nothing else, maybe I need to be up at 6:30 with him doing something more important than sleeping!

Who knows exactly why God has lead us this way?  We don't have a clue what blessings we have missed by waiting so long to do what he has asked.  All I know is that He was NOT going to let me off the hook and let me stay comfortable by being disobedient.  I'm hoping that what seems radical today, will feel PERFECT before long and our only regrets will be that we didn't listen the VERY first time he knocked on our hearts!

Happy Birthday Pa!

I want to wish my grandfather, Pa Brown, a happy 80th birthday today.  I really miss being back in Tennessee tonight to celebrate it with family.  I can only imagine how much fun they all had.  Let's just say there is NEVER a dull moment when that side of our family gets together.  It's always GREAT to be together having fun with people that share your same belief system and PROVE that serving God is NOT boring!  Of course, when you are blessed with a SOUTHERN family that REALLY knows how to cook....food is just amazing!

Pa Brown is "only" my grandpa by marriage, but he is the one by "heart" which matters more than anything else.  He and Granny treated us as their "real" grandkids from the very first day that Dad married Teresa when I was just a toddler.  What a joyous blessing to have such an incredible man in my life.

Adriana is actually named after him.  Her middle name, Colette, comes from him.  His first name is Coley, my step-mom's middle name is Colleen, and my little brother's middle name is Cole.  Colette seemed like the perfect way to carry that tradition on and to honor such a wonderful man!  Happy Birthday, Pa!

Making the Bed & Forgiveness

This morning I was running behind in getting out the door for a family event at church.  I had "planned" to get several things done BEFORE we left, but it just didn't happen.  However, I HAD to make sure and make our bed before I left.  THAT is something that I'm just ever so slightly insane about.  The kids sometimes sit back and laugh at me and the EXTREME care I take in making it up "perfectly".  No lumps, bumps, and all the lines have to be straight....VERY picky about this particular "chore".  This morning my 4 year old asked me a question that has stuck with me all day.  "Mommy, why do you HAVE to make it up when as soon as you get back home you will mess it back up?" 

I don't remember what my exact answer for him was since we were rushed, but I know it had something to do with how important I thought it was for me to be able to control ONE thing in the middle of chaos.  NO matter what else is going on, whether joyful or full of sorrow, I CHOOSE to make my bed up.  It's like taking a moment to say no matter how crazy you are life, I can control this one thing.  I also remember telling him something about it being a habit, being responsible, and blah blah blah.  It also has to do with the fact that if you are standing in one certain spot on our front porch that at a certain angle you can see right into our bedroom and EVEN IF the rest of the room is a mess, the image of the bed made can hide the reality of what the rest of the room may or may not look like (which fortunately at this point is a non-issue!). 

It was the basis of his question that hung with me today.  Why do something that you know isn't going to last, something that is going to be messed right back up?  Most of us moms probably wonder the same things HUNDREDS of times a week when we pick up the SAME things over and over or clean up a mess that we KNOW we cleaned up five minutes earlier! 

I thought about that question on a deeper level.  I thought about it from the point of view of forgiveness.  Why forgive?  You KNOW that if history repeats itself, "that" person is probably going to hurt you again and the pain you felt is something you are going to quite possibly feel again and again.  Or perhaps that "situation" isn't going to go away and you are going to be faced with it again and again.  In light of Bradlee's question, why bother?  Why should I even forgive?

That answer is easy.  Forgive because Christ first forgave me and He continues to forgive me on a multi-time daily basis.  Forgive because forgiveness brings about healing and freedom.  However, the ANSWER is easy, but perhaps the action is not as easy.  It is HARD, very hard, at times to truly forgive a person that hurts you deeply. 

Kevin and I have been having a deep ongoing conversation lately about forgiveness (even at 1:00 in the morning, which I KNOW he hates!)....what it means, what it doesn't mean, how hard it is at times, how necessary it always is and then the next steps.  This isn't a conversation that is finished for us, it's something that we are continuing to discuss from various angles. 

One thing I know for certain about forgiveness is that it doesn't erase the memory or the wrong.  I've made the mistake many times of thinking that I couldn't forgive someone because my hurt was still so deep.  Hurt doesn't necessarily go away with forgiveness, it just brings about the beginning stages of healing.  However, the most important thing I've learned so far about forgiveness is perhaps the most powerful...the offender does NOT have to say I'm sorry in order for you to forgive.  Their hearts may literally be too hard for them to seek forgiveness, they may not even have a clue about how deeply they have hurt you.  You can still choose to forgive and let that start the healing process that you need.  Forgiveness comes from within and doesn't depend on outside factors. 

So when I make up the bed tomorrow and in the days to come, I think I will think more about Bradlee's question and let it remind me about those areas that I need to seek forgiveness of MYSELF and others and the things I need to forgive others for.  If I'm as attentive to forgiving as I am to my bed making obsession, I can only imagine how much more God can use me with an open, free heart.  Perhaps forgiving someone will let me have a little bit of calm in this chaotic life, with all of it's lumps and bumps that are needing to be smoothed out. 

On a side note: 

Today I'm thankful for reconnecting with a long "lost" friend whose friendship meant the world to me in college and in the early years of my marriage.  With all of our moves in the years since, we lost contact.  I thought of her VERY often, but had not been able to "find" her.  Thankfully facebook makes a HUGE world, small! 

I'm also thankful for an old (not in age, even though we ARE getting older!) friend that has spent the last year letting God transform her from a broken vessel to something amazingly beautiful.  I don't know what the future is going to hold for her, but I know that God has an amazing plan for her and I can't wait to see it unfold.  I am INCREDIBLY proud of her for letting Him change her life! 

I'm also thankful for incredible children's ministers that did an amazing job today in offering our families something fun to do while many of the area kids were out of school.  I looked around many times and just watched their faces filled with joy to see our "kids" happy and spending time together with their families.  I'm thankful for the memories we made today and how they TRULY love our kids. 

I'm also thankful for hearing that my Dad is doing ok.  He isn't healed completely and has a long road ahead, but some of the anxiety I've been feeling in recent days has been relieved.  I wasn't a Daddy's girl growing up, but the older I get the more I love him, RESPECT,  and APPRECIATE him for the things he did for us.  He may not have been affectionate and came across as too harsh many times, but now I understand just how much he WAS LOVING me and PROTECTING me.  If only I had known then what I know now....isn't that strange how things change as you grow up and have your own children to raise? 

I'm thankful that even though so many things are VERY unsettled in our lives right now and we are "down", we are NOT out.  I am thankful for the lessons that God is teaching, the amazing ways He is revealing himself to us, and how He has not left us on this journey alone. 

Back on Track...and READY for Battle

For any of you that follow my posts on Facebook, you probably have read my quotes from a book that has totally "got me" more than anything in my life ever has.  I have never read something that "perfect" for me.  I  highly recommend reading "What Happens When Women Say Yes to God:  Experiencing Life in Extraordinary Ways" by Lysa Terkeurst of Proverbs 31 Ministries.  Though it has a spin from a woman's perspective, it will greatly move mountains in the lives of men as well ( as long as they can get past the pretty pink flowers on the cover!). 

First of all, God literally dropped this book in my lap.  A couple of weeks ago, I was finally able to order two more subject curriculum sets for the kids.  When I placed my order, my "cart" recommended this book based on my past purchases and "likes" and it was 50% off and fell just in the right amount of money to not increase my shipping charge.  I jumped on it since I'm a big bargain shopper and though I've not read her books, I've listened to her on the radio or read blogs/devotionals that quoted her often. 

This book has literally saved my sanity and put my life back on track like never before.  Many of you know that life has hit us pretty hard lately.  We've shared some of the details with some of you and then many other things we've kept "quiet", but all in all.....we've been in the valley lately more than we've been in a long time.  Because things have been coming at us from EVERY direction and we've not had time to recover from one "hit" before another has come, we've really lost our focus.   Together as a couple and individually, I think we've questioned God more in recent months than we have in a long time.  Just last week, we brokenly told God we just didn't know if "it" was worth it anymore.  "It" being many things to us.  For the most part, we were feeling so alone and disconnected.  I personally just felt like my attempt to grow in Christ and to live a life pleasing to Him just really wasn't worth it anymore. 

Then HE dropped this book in my lap.  I haven't even been able to finish it because I keep getting drawn back to her words over and over.  I'm a "highlighter" and note taker when I'm reading such books.  I only highlight things that are REALLY important or that REALLY touch me.  By gosh, I think this book has more highlights than anything I've ever read.  It is as if God has spoken directly through her to me and my feelings have been expressed in those pages more than my own personal journal!!!!  Each and every feeling that has lead up to my brokenness, being unsettled, and alienated has been touched on completely.  I'm so thankful that these words have brought such profound healing and altered the course of my life.

What has touched me the most is that the feelings I've been having, especially the ones that have robbed me of sleep many nights, are GOOD.  It's good to be right where I was.  It means that God was getting ready to use me and I simply got scared.  I found myself focusing on my own inadequacies too much and not on His ability to provide EVERYTHING that was lacking.  I lost my direction by focusing on what I THOUGHT I was giving up, NOT on what I was gaining.  I let the "wet blankets"/naysayers' opinions stifle my enthusiasm and joy.  I've also gotten wrapped up in lost relationships as I've grown and changed and that has been very painful for me since I'm a "bridge builder" by nature.  EACH and EVERY emotion has FULLY been covered, just as if God was sitting down beside me and telling me my exact thoughts over the past months. 

I'm just so incredibly thankful.  Thankful that God showed up when I needed Him most.  Thankful that He is speaking to me through the words of another woman that has felt the exact feelings I am dealing with.  Thankful that her words have not only brought healing, but encouragement and clarity of which direction to take.  Most importantly, the "disconnect" feeling is flying out the window and is being replaced with the greatest peace I've ever known. 

I wasn't sure which direction God was taking us in as a family before I "lost" my way and though I still don't know the details of His plan, I know that I'm back on board and ready to say YES to wherever that is.  I am ready to be radically obedient despite the obstacles because I have been reminded of how He will take care of everything else.  Satan may have been winning many battles against our spirits lately, but I think he realizes now that his same tools aren't going to work as easily as before. 

Bread Baking=Soul Restoration

It seems like "forever" since I have been able to actually form the words of a blog, even though it's only been a few days.  My brain and "time" just haven't been cooperating and working together. 

I won't lie.  I am on a roller coaster and I want OFF.  I don't get near "real" ones and I don't like those that life puts us on either.  I'm in a frame of mind that has caused my faith to take some pretty big dings recently.  I'm still not on solid ground and I'm not sure when I'm going to find myself looking back and breathing a sigh of relief that God brought me through another dark time. 

Don't get me wrong.  God has not left me.  I have not turned my back on God.  I'm just finding myself on some pretty unsteady ground and trying so hard to hold on to the truth of God's word.  I am in this battle of crying out to God for answers and direction and not being able to be still and quiet enough to hear Him answer. 

Part of the issue is that I'm SEVERELY sleep deprived at this point.  I'm only averaging about 1-2 hours of sleep a night and that MESSES with EVERYTHING you know to be true.   New moms get more sleep than that.  It's been a combination of having so much going on and trying to deal with things coming from every direction, a brain that won't shut off, handing things over to God but then in my fleshly weaknesses taking it back....and then health related issues.  Insomnia.  However, I feel confident that God is going to provide sleep soon.  I completely felt it in my spirit today.  I had an overwhelming supernatural calm come over me today.  For those of you that know me really well, it would have been VERY obvious.  I didn't have a perfect day and things didn't go "perfectly", but there was a peace that could only be attributed to God. 

I don't know why all of sudden there are so many issues to deal with or why we currently are going through so many overwhelming things.  I have searched my heart and begged God over and over to reveal what it is that he is wanting me to do that I'm not doing or what it is that he is preparing me for, but so far I don't have an answer.  Kevin and I together have brokenly begged for direction and strength, but so far we are still feeling a disconnect.  We are together and separately questioning so many things and will admit that we don't understand some of the path that we are on.  We are hurting....and it seems like at many times....alone.  God is showing us something, we just haven't had his vision revealed to us or we haven't stepped out in faith enough to understand it yet. 

I have found myself many times lately, especially in the past week, wanting to tell God that it isn't worth it.  Disappointments hurt.  There are LOTS of them right now.  "Closet" cleaning is HARD when you truly go in to every nook, cranny, and recessed area.  I need SOLID ground, but I'm not on it right now and that's ok. 

Not being on solid ground is ok.  Searching is ok.  Needing answers and direction is ok.  I've been fighting against that over this last week.  I've almost let it destroy me.  ALMOST is the key word.  Then today, that PEACE came.  I still don't have answers and I still don't know how to handle so many situations that we are facing.  Some situations I know without a doubt I can not handle on my own.  Perhaps, He needs me here in this unsettled, brokenness so I can really see Him work miracles.  Maybe Kevin and I need to be so broken together, so that we have no one else to cling to except for God and each other. 

I was baking bread this afternoon and I began to feel that God was giving me a lesson in that process.  I added all the ingredients to the bread maker and as it began to knead I began to have a "breakdown" moment.  Tears wouldn't stop flowing.  I felt like that dough.  All of those ingredients got dropped in from every direction and were immediately being tossed about.  Within a few minutes, the paddle was whipping back and forth and literally forcibly tossing it back and forth.  THAT is exactly how I feel in life RIGHT at this moment.  Things coming from every direction and being tossed back and forth and beat to pieces. 

However, some thing amazing began to happen a few minutes later.  That dough was allowed to rest.  Then it began to rise and then it was baked to a beautiful golden brown and the aroma just made your mouth water.  God hinted to my spirit that my day is coming.  My body, mind, and heart are going to be able to rest in Him and He will cause me to "rise" up and become something beautiful inside and out.  Right now, I'm just still being held in the kneading stage. 

I'm also reading an amazing book by Lysa Terkeurst of Proverbs 31 Ministries called "What Happens When Women Say Yes to God".   I normally read a 350 page book in about 2 hours, but this book has grabbed me so deeply that I keep reading and re-reading chapters over and over.  Every time I read it, it's like God is putting another band aid on my heart or caulking up another leaky place.   I've ended up highlighting more than half of the book and as my "peace" is settling back in, I know God is going to use it to really change my life in an amazing way. 

Just today I read a section that really spoke to me and has encouraged me to hang on during this difficult time of "growing and changing".  My blog title, which you can read about why I chose it by going back to my 1st couple of posts, uses the word refined.  That word has always been "special" and important to me.  I remembered reading about God refining our impurities several years ago and it changed my life.  However, in my disorganization I "lost" where I had read that very specific description from a devotional.  It just so happens that Lysa quotes it in her book and I don't find that coincidental.  I find it GOD speaking directly to my troubled heart. 

"Without this heating and melting, there could be no purifying.  As the impurities are skimmed off the top, the reflection of the worker appears in the smooth, pure surface.  As we are purified by God, his reflection in our lives will become more and more clear to those around us."    That's it!  That is the exact "quote" I had been searching for a very long time.  PERFECT timing.

It just means that my faith isn't gone.  I'm not giving up on God and He isn't giving up on me.  I'm just deep down in the heating and melting stage.  It's not pleasant and my flesh screams to be taken off the fire, but He isn't ready because I'm not ready.  He's letting the impurities rise up so He can remove them and so I can reflect Him.  

Oh, and by the way....I can barely keep my eyes open and it's only 8:30  PM.  Yes, that rest in Him is finally coming and I've never been so more ready to have it.  The problems and worries aren't magically going to disappear, but HE is about to let me REST in HIM.  I'm picturing this most amazing hug full of comfort and peace with His arms wrapped around me. 

Just a Reminder....

After this last week of pretty intense struggles and battles that took me a few steps back, I neeeded this reminder. The reminder of who I am and who I serve. The reminder of how worship can bring you fully back in the presence of God when you feel like your feet aren't on solid ground. The reminder of who is in control of EVERYTHING.

Too Heavy & Too Tired

I'm tired.  Physically?  Oh yes.  More draining is when you are emotionally and spiritually tired.  It weighs you down and then that adds to the actual physical exhaustion.  Getting "down" also signals my body to start shutting down and going into flare-up mode constantly.  YOU have to be strong physically and emotionally to fight the lupus battle.  Add to that the inability to sleep because your mind won't shut off, your body hurts, your kids won't sleep, the dog is barking, and your husband is snoring......all while you would give ANYTHING to sleep. 

I'm tired.  I'm tired of being the peacemaker.  I'm tired of trying to hold everyone together.  I'm tired of trying to build bridges.  I'm tired of being a puppet on a string.  I'm tired of being passionate about what is RIGHT and hitting brick wall after brick wall.  I'm tired of reaching out for support and coming back empty handed more times than not.  I'm tired of being the encourager.  I'm tired of not seeing the "fruits" of the labor.  I'm tired of running around in circles and getting nowhere.  I'm tired of cleaning up messes, both literally and figuratively.  I'm tired of striving to to better.  I'm tired of failure.  I'm tired of struggling for the VERY basic needs that should be "given".  I'm tired of being the rock that people lean on and then when I need something or pour my heart out over an issue....I don't get a response.  I'm tired of being the strong one.  I AM TIRED!

My heart is screaming it, my body is screaming, and my soul is screaming it.  So, what do I do?  Satan is sure taking that door and pushing it wide open and jumping right in with his lies.  You are a failure.  Attempting to live a "godly" life is pointless.  You aren't worthy of the love you are seeking.  You'll never be who you want to be.  You are being punished for past mistakes.  You don't exist in anyone's world or they don't care.  It's taking everything I have to keep pushing him back out that door.  AND I'm tired.  I'm tired of having to act like a 2 year old and go around with my hands over my ears saying "I'm not listening, I'm not listening.....I can't hear you!"

 I'm tired of being all those things above....BUT that is who I am!  I AM the strong one, the encourager, the one that feels empathy, and the one that is going to seek ways to connect and build bridges.  That is who God called me to be and that is the personality HE gave me.  That is how HE shaped me! 

All I have to do now is to figure out how to just hold on.  That's all I keep hearing from Him right now is "hold on".   Holding on to HIS truth no matter how loud the other voices are.  Holding on to His strength when I'm at my weakest.  Holding on to HIS compassion when my heart wants to become so jaded and I want to turn my back on everything that matters.  Holding on to HIS forgiveness when I feel shame for feeling the way I do.  Holding on to HIS promises that He is never going to leave or forsake me.  Holding on until HE shows me what HIS plan is and what direction I need to go.  Holding on until HE sends JUST the RIGHT encouragement to let me know without a doubt that HE IS IN CONTROL.  Holding on no matter how much faith it takes, mo matter how far out of my comfort zone, or how painful it may be...holding on to Him. 

Most importantly, holding on to the truth of God's word. 

"Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest."  Matthew  11:28 

I'm coming to Him completely weary and carrying too heavy of a load, waiting for Him to lift the weight and give me REAL rest.  REAL physical rest.  REAL emotional rest.  REAL spiritual rest. 

Guilt, Shame AND Grace!

(you will have to pause the blog music to hear the above video)

When I first heard this song "Come As You Are" by Pocket Full of Rocks, the kids and I were driving home from the gym and I had to literally pull over. It was so touching because it was like a direct link from God speaking to me on the very same issue that Kevin and I had been discussing many times in the recent weeks.

I thought of the song again yesterday while I was listening to week 3 of 4 of our sermon series "Waste Management". As I've sat down to write this blog, anything and everything has gone wrong to prevent it from happening. It must mean that Satan REALLY doesn't want me to write about God's truth. Good thing I'm stubborn!

One of the first questions posed yesterday was if there was something still left in our "closet" that we were still unwilling to address or holding us back. Ummm....yes. What I wasn't expecting was that the MAIN thing still left in my closet was the ONE thing that JP was going to spend the next 20 minutes talking about. Guilt and shame are HUGE stumbling blocks for me and it did my heart GOOD to hear God's truth about it.

Guilt CAN be good. It can cause me to pause and say something isn't right about what I'm doing, what I'm saying, what I'm watching, or how I'm acting. Guilt can keep us in check and serve as our radar when I begin to walk down a wrong path or when sin is present in my life. In that regards, guilt is EXCELLENT.

Guilt becomes a huge stumbling block when it is unresolved. It becomes a haunting experience. We get wrapped up in it and it becomes suffocating. It causes me to have separation from God's blessings because I feel like there is such a huge gap that I can't connect with Him. Praying feels "off", worship feels empty, and studying God's word feels pointless. Kevin and I talk often of how we get to the point of feeling so unworthy to be in God's presence that it is just much easier to run as far from Him as we can. His purity and greatness just illuminates our darkness. Truth is that is a lie that we are allowing Satan to tell us.

As pointed out yesterday, that is Satan getting victory. The Bible describes Satan as our accuser and his greatest weapon against us is shame. Once he can get us so wrapped up in our shame, he becomes victorious because we forget who we are in Christ.

Guilt from God's perspective: (G)od's (U)nigue (I)ntentional (L)oving (T)reatment.

Guilt from Satan's perspective: (G)rief (U)nited (I)n (L)ifelong (T)orment.

Because of Christ, we have GRACE! Satan wraps us up in Shame. Shame says you're defective and messed up. Grace says in your defectiveness you are PRICELESS to me! Shame says the opinion of others matter. Grace says that only God's perspective matters and that brings freedom from shame. Shame says we are unacceptable. Grace says we are covered in unconditional love and and find TRUE complete acceptance.

He used an illustration that really "got" me even though it was sport related. He talked about a basketball player that was drafted for a team and spent many years playing for that team. He became familiar with all the ins and outs of playing for that team and living in that town. His surroundings became HOME and his comfort zone. Then the day came that he was traded. Everything instantly changed. He was no longer a small town player. He was now on a championship winning team. Victory was practically guaranteed. He was going to at some point in the near future be a champion. Anyone knows that it would be ridiculous for him to go back to his old life. He would NEVER win a victory and would never be in the spotlight. Nothing would ever make sense for him to go back to that small town team.

Our lives are like that. We are traded to a new team when we become a follower of Christ. Victory is guaranteed. We are bought with a price. NOTHING should cause us to turn back. Under no circumstance, should we gravitate back to that old life. Our old life is one of destruction and darkness, our new life is one of victory and light.

God doesn't take that healthy guilt and turn it into shame. He covers us in grace and unconditional love. Just as the song above says, COME AS YOU ARE. He isn't waiting for us to be perfect. He's not mad at us or disappointed in us. He JUST loves us and wants nothing more than He isn't waiting for us to collapse under the weight of shame. He is just waiting for us to come to Him, not in perfection and shame. He doesn't stand over us in disappointment. He stands over us with unconditional love and with His arms open wide.

2 Corinthians 5:16 tells us that the old life is gone; a new life has begun. When God takes our "bags" of garbage from cleaning out our "closets", He doesn't just lightly toss it to the side or keep it close by to rub in our faces when we mess up again. He takes those bags and throws them with GUSTO. They are out of reach....as far as the east is from the west. WE are the ones that keep picking those bags back up and dragging them back in our closets, some times a piece at a time and some times we bring up the whole entire bag and drag it back in. God gives us the freedom to leave these bags of "trash" if we would just trust Him. He doesn't want us to carry around shame. He doesn't want me bogged down in my own mistakes and failures that I can't see what He is offering me. He doesn't want me feeling so unworthy that I can't be in communication with Him or I allow a distance between us. He wants me to remember that the "old" is gone and the "new" is here. He truly gives us the freedom of fresh starts and new beginnings. It doesn't matter if I've messed up on the same thing 100's of times. We aren't defined by our past mistakes, failures and sins. What defines us is what we do from this point on.

Media Monday: Chestnut & Shrek Forever After

Two quick reviews in one!  In search of a family movie that can include small children?  Our family gives "Chestnut" (currently in redbox) two thumbs UP.  This mom gives Shrek two thumbs DOWN. 

We watched Chestnut several weeks ago and we enjoyed it so much that it has left us on a quest to find more movies like it.  We grabbed it from redbox expecting it to be something that Bradlee would enjoy, Peyton possibly, and the rest of us would "suffer" through a kiddie movie.  It ended up that EVERY single member of our family LOVED it and had to watch it again.  ZERO foul language, EXCELLENT message, CUTE as could be.  Characters are shown praying at several times.  It was a feel good family movie.  If you have very small children, there are a couple of VERY mild scenes that might "alarm" your child.  The dog in the movie is hurt rescuing a character.  Without spoiling the plot too much....he recovers (and we are led to believe that the recovery came from God answering the prayers of the little girls).  There is also a short scene of some "burglars" dressed in black.  It's a funny scene, but they are dressed in black and sneaking around.  Bradlee just asked what they were doing.  Think "Home Alone" scenes. 

The only "moral" issue that we found in the movie at all was that the characters hid a dog and the movie is based on their antics in hiding him.  Obviously they are telling lies to those around them. 

All in all, this is the best family movie we've watched in a long time.  It was one that each member of the family enjoyed.  Finding ones that span all of the ages is a HUGE challenge.

On the flip side, Shrek Forever After didn't leave me with that same feeling.  Many parents I know will look at me like I'm crazy because I'm cutting down a "kid" movie.  That's ok....I do walk to the beat of a different drum! 

All in all, it wasn't a bad movie.  It had it's moments of goodness and the overall message was a good one.  There were fewer innuendos and adult humor than in previous Shrek movies.

However, I had two HUGE problems with the movie.  Drinking alcohol was shown through the entire movie.  It wasn't just in a passing scene or two.  The biggest issue I had was that it was much "darker" than normal.  Witches played a large role in the movie.  Rumpelstiltskin is the villain and is shone VERY sinister at times.  When the witches try to capture Shrek, their "weapons" are chains that have biting skulls on the end.  Scenes like that may not bother many kids or parents, but it was enough for me to say that the movie wasn't for our family. 

Week in Review & Sermon Series Challenge 2 "Clothed with Christ"

Time goes by quickly when you're having fun they say.  I guess that's true because I sure have had some fun during the past couple of days that I've lapsed in blogging.  I think it also has to do more with being busy.  Though I feel incredibly blessed to be a stay-at-home-mom, It is RARE that we are home!  One of the contributing factors of Adriana's decision to step down from competitive gymnastics and take a recreational approach, was the time commitment.  It amazes me that even without that daily 3-4 hour practice session (plus commute time), we are even more time crunched! 

Today is the first day we have been home a full day this week and it's going to be great to not be doing school on the run or feeling like we have to rush through some areas to stay on track.  We've stayed on track for the most part, but I don't like the feeling of speeding through and getting the work done....just to have it done.  I much rather be following along at a leisurely pace that allows for detours, distractions, and the ability to enjoy the journey. 

This week was extra busy and extra special because we had some visitors in town and Kevin and I also celebrated a milestone.  Mom and Joe came through on their way to a wedding in Canada so we spent Tuesday night and the first half of Wednesday visiting with them.  Tuesday night we went out to Olive Garden AFTER gymnastics was over at 8:00, so it made a late night but it was enjoyable.  Kevin laughed when he remembered the LAST time we were together with extended family at Olive Garden.  I was in labor with Adriana and thought that she was just giving me a hard time over my food choices or that I was just having more Braxtons.  That night/early AM would have just been much simpler had we not gone all the way home and then had to scramble to head back to the hospital  (over an hour each way!).   Curvy, bumpy, and hilly country roads are not fun in the 2nd stage of labor while being strapped in a car with a seat belt when your belly is bigger than TWO watermelons!

Yesterday morning I enjoyed my 2.5 hours of kid free time.  Unfortunately I had to spend it running errands, but it was INCREDIBLY nice to be able to do them efficiently and peacefully!  After PMO, several of us homeschooling moms in our church met together and had a fantastic fellowship time while the kids played on our church indoor playground.  I can not tell you just how much those times mean to me.  It has very little to do with discussing academics or anything school related.  It is about the connection that comes from this particular group of ladies that have similar hearts and desires that stretch FAR beyond our kids academic needs.  I could have stayed MUCH longer, but I had to literally run out the door to get home in order for Adriana to be picked up for another babysitting job.  She LOVES babysitting for this particular family with a 1 year old and 3 year old.  She also sold 13 bracelets that morning and then late last night had someone come by and pick up 9 that were completed.  I underestimated how God would use her in that project!  I originally thought she would do good to sell 5 and that I was afraid she would be disappointed when she didn't have much proceeds to give Salt & Light (food pantry).  Well, I should know better than to put limits on God.  She's just about to hit the 60 sold mark!  Between that and giving her "tithe" from babysitting to Salt & Light, she's EASILY going to pass her FULL goal of providing $100 before Thanksgiving (which becomes $1,000!).

Yesterday we also celebrated our 15th anniversary.  We consider 15 a milestone.  I had really dreamed of doing a vow renewal but there was just no way to financially do it even in it's simplest form.  I guess that is something we will put on our "20th" calendar!  What matters is that we were together and even had the unbelievable blessing of going out to a nice dinner WITHOUT kids.  There have been MANY years that we weren't able to do ANYTHING.  It was also very nice to reflect on the fact that we are happily married and growing together EVERY day!  Several people have made the comments this week that we remind them of newlyweds.  Good!  That is how we feel, but on a MUCH deeper level.  Newlyweds "live" on love and in many cases fantasy.  They've not yet been hit with the hard times.  When you feel the passion of newlywed love and have the desire to be inseparable AND then couple that with knowing you have weathered countless storms and have come out stronger.....oh my....that is when you hit the BEAUTIFULLY BLESSED stage of love! 

In getting ready to have our date last night, I finally had the chance to take our week 2 challenge of  "Waste Management" sermon series.  This week we were encouraged to go shopping.  YES...shopping!  The purpose was to go out and buy a new shirt.  I originally just "thought" about the challenge over the week and did pay attention to my "thoughts" on the topic.  However, when I was actually able to make the purchase yesterday it REALLY soaked in.  I went to a local consignment store and was able to find a nice top to wear out to our anniversary dinner.  I'm all for buying quality brands 2nd hand and the one I chose actually ended up being on sale when I checked out based on the color of the tag!  EXCELLENT find for my frugal side!

When I walked out of the store, I was excited.  It's amazing how a new piece of clothing can excite you.  It's even more amazing how it can CHANGE you and change how you feel.  THAT was the purpose of the challenge and I TOTALLY experienced it. 

Week 2's challenge was to purchase and wear that new garment.  We talked about being "clothed with Christ" and how when we put on the newness of Christ WE ARE CHANGED.  What we physically wear can leave us feeling comfortable or uncomfortable in a situation.  Think about how you feel when you wear the wrong clothes for the season and you end up too hot or too cold.  Think about how you feel when you walk in a room under dressed or overdressed for the situation.  For women, though I think it also applies to men as well, think about how putting on something new changes your attitude.  It's no secret that when we wear frumpy clothes, we tend to feel.....well....frumpy!  Speaking for myself, when I take the time to put on something a little nicer or pay more attention to my appearance I CHANGE!  Because I change, my husband might notice or a friend might point out the change.  Just thinking about being able to wear something "new" last night for our anniversary dinner made it feel more special.  I didn't have to wear one of the few SAME things in my closet.  Putting on something new give me a little extra spunk and gave me a boost of confidence.  IT wasn't a smaller size (unfortunately) and it didn't magically make 60 pounds disappear, but I felt temporarily transformed. 

THOSE were  the feelings that Jason was wanting us to experience and then correlate with the sermon.  He used the visual example of an athlete putting on his/her letter jacket.  He talked about how personalities change when an athlete earned that jacket and the pride that came from wearing it.  I thought about Andy and the first time he "transformed" when we saw him in his air force uniform at his basic training graduation.  I also thought about girls in their prom dresses or on their wedding days.  Clothing changes us.  Being clothed with Christ SHOULD change us.  Key word: SHOULD!  But does it? 

Clothed with Christ means that we should be living a life that reflects Christ.  Do our lives reflect HIM?  Guilty of not always reflecting Him.  Being clothed with Christ means we exhibit compassion, humility, patience, and gentleness.  Do we act and live differently because of the gift we have in Christ?  Do we run from sin or do we walk the fence and dabble in it?  Guilty.

Three other points from the sermon have been running through my spirit this week. 

1. Once we are clothed in Christ, WE ARE ALL THE SAME.  His grace is that big.  Past doesn't matter.  Previous life makes no difference.  WE ARE THE SAME.  One is no greater than the other.  One is no worse than the other.  It doesn't matter what you did or where you came from. 
2. We are loved with the same love as the "unlovable".  Christ loves the outcasts, the broken, and the ones that have yet to surrender to him.  He loves those of us that call him savior.  He loves those that "move mountains" and those that have quiet faith.  HE LOVES US.  HE LOVES US WITH THE SAME LOVE. 
3. "Gentleness is not weakness, but bridled power!"  I loved that statement when Jason made it.  It made me think about my need to be gentle with my children and those around me.  That is something that I've been actively working on and the way he worded that statement really helped encourage me to continuously seek that gentleness.  IT doesn't make me weak, it makes me IN CONTROL!  I also thought about the men in our lives.  Gentleness isn't necessarily their strong points because they (and society) see it as weakness.  I love my husband's gentle personality because it makes him an excellent husband and father.  I know he often hides that side of him because he feels it is a weakness, but I'm so thrilled when she shows it.  I wish all of our men could always see that gentleness is NOT a weakness....it instead creates bonds and build bridges!

So as I finish out this week, I am going to stop and ask myself if I'm clothed with Christ or if I'm hiding Him and showing worldliness instead.  Many times I know that answer is not going to be what I wish it to be.  I hope at those times I can think about the feelings I had when I put on something new this week and let it encourage me to be more aware of how I should behave with Christ in my life.  Just as I know that I feel much different at this moment with a t-shirt, worn out shorts and a REALLY messy ponytail than I did last night in new clothes that I carefully chose and the attention I paid to my appearance....I will feel much different when I'm fully clothed with Christ instead of walking with the world!. 

Media Monday: To Save A Life

With all the talk about movies measuring up or falling short, Gretchen thought it would be a great idea if we would review movies we've watched or talk about how to choose what is right for our family.  Therefore, Monday's are now "Media Mondays" for me (at least as often as I can work out the time to get it done!). 

Kevin and I watched an amazing movie on Saturday night called To Save A Life.  It's rated PG-13.  I think it's a GREAT family movie for every family with a teen or anyone that has teens in their lives.  It's amazing.   However, it MUST be watched with the parents and you BETTER be ready to have MANY discussions about things that are in it. 

Typically, this is NOT a movie I would allow my daughter to watch.  It has curse words---about 4-5 "milder" ones (if there is such a thing!), one of which is said during a scene in a church.  It deals with VERY REAL worldly issues that teens face.  There are VIVID scenes of underage drinking, beer pong, sexual immorality (though the camera turns away before being explicit...most of it is alluded to and your imagination fills in the rest), unplanned pregnancy, abortion, drug usage, disillusionment with religion, school violence, divorce, parental infidelity and suicide.  WOW----that is some pretty heavy stuff.   Why on earth would I recommend the movie, especially when people know HOW VERY picky I am about things like that in our home?

The movie takes those REAL life experiences and follows the main character through living that worldly life with emptiness and confusion and shows him finding his way to God in the process.  It tackles those "REAL" issues head-on instead of sweeping them under the carpet.  It shows what kind of temptation our children are faced with.   It shows a very real struggle with good vs. evil, worldly vs. godly.  

I am an ABSOLUTE advocate for sheltering our children for as long as we can and from as many things as possible, but at the same time you can't hide them from the truth of what the real world is like or they will never know how to handle it.  This movie, for us, is the perfect way to let that happen.  We see the characters make bad choices and we see the results.  We see them find that the only way to live life in the end is to turn their lives to God and let Him lead them the rest of the way.  THAT is what we want our daughter to see by watching the movie.  We see the main character desperate for finding what is missing in his life and finding it.  It isn't handled as  "find God" and everything is perfect from now on either.  I LOVED that message from the movie.  God isn't a magic pill to fix every problem.  However, he finds that God can give him the strength to clean up his messes and start life new.  It shows him visibly struggling with his decisions. 

The other thing I recommend the movie for is the main message that comes from the title of the movie.  It's a visual reminder of the REAL pain so many of our teens are facing and how desperate they are for someone to love them.  It shows how one teen can REALLY make a difference and how a world can really be changed when they come together.  It shows how it feels to be on the "outside" and judged.  It shows real emotional struggle and how our actions can really change some one's life.

You can read a VERY detailed review here.  We use this website from Focus on the Family before watching any movies as a family and many times before Kevin and I watch one ourselves. 

The main thing is, this is NOT a movie we would normally chose for our daughter to watch due to it's graphic nature (in our opinions, though mild to most of her peers!).  We watched it first and made the decision that based on the OVERALL message that it is something we want her to see.  We look forward to the discussions it will open the door for.  We look forward to her seeing how God can really take some of the worst situations and turn them into something beautiful.  We look forward to letting her see an example of how SHE CAN change the world with the heart that she already has.  We can show her the "real" world in a safe manner and let her ask questions and talk to us about how she feels. 

Even if you don't think you want your teen to watch the movie or don't have teens in your home yet, I highly recommend watching it.   It even made me stop and think about my own decisions, my own faith and struggles.  As parents, we need to know what our kids are facing and what "normal" life is like for them.  We need to be reminded of how hard it is to grow up.  It was an excellent, thought provoking movie for us.  The "worldly" aspects were acceptable to us because the whole point of the movie was to show God's redemption and the healing he brings to a hurting world. 

Imitators of God

"Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children".  Ephesians 5:1  or as it is worded in the NLT "Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are his dear children."

When things begin to get overwhelming or I've over scheduled my time, gotten behind and fallen short, I have to return to the simple things.  Go back to the basics and build from there.  Take care of the essentials FIRST.  Sometimes that means going back and looking at my mission statement and seeing if I'm still on track.  Sometimes it means letting the house go and focusing on relationships.  Sometimes it means letting the "outside" world and responsibilities go and focusing on getting the house in shape.  It usually just depends on the situation and which ball I've dropped. 

When things become overwhelming emotionally and spiritually, it also takes returning to the basics.  Looking at what you KNOW to be true.  Focusing on the areas that I know NEVER change according to situations.  Zoning in on just one or two things, versus trying to do it all. 

That thought process and my own need to simplify, refocus, and regroup after some recent roller coaster rides led me to thinking about the basics.  What basic truth do I need to focus on RIGHT now?  What one or two things can I turn my eyes to RIGHT now that will help stable everything else? 

Ephesians 5:1 is the answer that came to mind.  Thinking about the one statement brings everything into focus and proper perspective.  "Imitate God".   Almost all of life's situations can be answered with those two words.  There can be no higher standard.  I'm not going to be disappointed by putting HIM on a pedestal and then have to pick up the pieces when he falls short....impossible.  He is sovereign and perfection.

It's important to point out that this doesn't mean to seek perfection.  It's impossible.  WE cannot ever come close to the perfection, purity, and powerfulness of God.  He alone is omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient.  I always LOVE those "omni" words! 

Most moms can tell you that children LOVE to imitate their parents.  Our toddlers and preschoolers seem to be the most happy when they are being our little copycats.  They want to dress like us, act like us, and do what we are doing.  How many times do we provide them with their own set of "tools" to follow along with us?  Bradlee loves to be my right hand man when I'm cleaning.  He follows me around with his own supplies and does what I do. 

One of my favorite memories of my "little" brother was when we would tell him to "walk like Daddy".  He would clasp his hands behind his back and with those chubby legs would wobble along with the sway that was so typical of my dad at that time.  That wasn't HIS normal way of walking, but he was imitating what he had seen his daddy do over and over. 

Two aspects of the verse are jumping out at me.  One: my need to imitate God.  Two:  the importance of remembering that my children are imitating me. 

As a child of God, I want to imitate my heavenly father.  Just like a little child naturally imitates his/her parents, I want to be like my eternal father.  Plain and simple, I fall short more than I get it right.  I need to always act like the father, love like the father, forgive like the father, etc...  WOW!  SO not meeting those goals!!!!  Going back to the basics of imitating God is going to be a huge task, but one so very worth it. 

In "studying" this verse, I read the following:

The apostle Paul used the word mimetai from which we get our English word to “mimic.” The idea is to copy closely, to repeat another person's speech, actions, behavior and mannerisms. Paul is saying get to know your heavenly Father so you can echo His speech and behave the way He behaves.


How much more fulfilling and "simple" would life be if I were to truly, whole- heartedly mimic God?  I would find myself in "messes" much less often.  THAT is an understatement!  The best way to learn to mimic God is to TRULY get to know Him.  I have to intimately spend time with Him through prayer, worship, reading His word, and in fellowship that brings me closer to Him.

Part two is the reminder that as a mom, especially since my kids are with me 24/7, I need to ALWAYS remember that my kids see EVERYTHING I do....no matter how small or big, no matter how good or bad.  They are watching and learning..........it's up to me to decide whether what they are learning to mimic is good or bad....worldly or godly!   I have to be a mimic of God in order for them to mimic him as well.  Every single thing I do has to be a reflection of Him or I am teaching them to mimic the wrong path.   Pretty unbelievable responsibility!  Fortunately, the more I learn to mimic God, the less scary and overwhelming that task will be!  I'm thankful for his forgiveness, grace, and HIS ability because I'll NEVER be able to do it alone. 

Life is Precious

Life is precious.  We hear that statement so often, but do we really stop and think about it to the point of making life changes?  It seems like the last few weeks that statement has been rolling around in my spirit non-stop. 

Every which direction I turn, someone is suffering a loss.  We've experienced personal loss recently on different levels.  I've listened to countless stories of those around us having their hearts broken on a grand scale.  Physical illness tearing families apart.  Friends losing parents and grandparents.  Cancer stealing a life INCREDIBLY fast.  Just today I was in the room when a grandmother received a call that her grandson had tragically died.  Unspeakable pain is everywhere we turn. 

I'm not always sure how to handle such heart break.  I often wonder why it seems like it is suddenly EVERY direction I turn?  I can't answer that.  I don't know what God's plan is or what his purpose is at times, but I think it's a very vivid reminder to look at life differently.

It has made an ABSOLUTE difference in our home.  It has made Kevin and I deal with issues that we've kept putting off.  It's made us be more purposeful in our actions.  I took the closet challenge a step deeper and did some cleaning out of "secrets" and finally "moved my feet" in the direction God had been leading me on some other issues.  Took some huge steps that completely were out of my comfort zone.

I think my heart is realizing that we really do not have any promises of tomorrow.  I believe we as a society have gotten too comfortable with our surroundings and we feel like we are indestructible.  We forget that time can end INSTANTLY or our lives can forever be changed in a blink of an eye.

With this thought process, I'm waiting to see just what else God is wanting me to do.  What else is He wanting me to learn?  Where else does he want my feet to move or what else is hidden in my closet?  What other areas does He want me to change so that I'm living a life of no regrets?  How do I need to change my life to show that I value life and every second we have? 

You Are More ~ Tenth Avenue North

I love Contemporary Christian music and it can instantly literally change everything for me. I heard this song today and I can not stop the tears from flowing or make the "chills" go away.

This is a song that I wish EVERY single person would REALLY listen to. WE are full of mistakes and regrets. We all feel at times that we are not worthy to make the simplest request of God because of the shame we feel and the regrets we have. How do you carry on when you feel like you can't even look in the mirror because your life is so messed up? How do you pray when you don't even feel worthy enough to say his name?

This song goes DIRECTLY with some very deep conversations that have been taking place recently and I just had to share it. The answers to those questions are answered RIGHT here. WE ARE MORE than the choices we have made. WE ARE MORE than the sum of our past mistakes. WE ARE MORE than the problems we create. Why? BECAUSE We've been remade! It is NOT about what we've done, it's about what has been done for us.

We all have to learn that God truly loves us and He wants us to come to Him. He doesn't want us to wait until we are "perfect", He wants us NOW and in the shape we are in. He will remake us. He is a God of restoration.

I think we ALL need to hear the message of this song OFTEN, in the midst of our struggles....when we are just about ready to give in and give up. I know I needed to hear it and let it just penetrate every part of me. To someone very dear to me, this is specifically for you! I want you to listen to it and BELIEVE it. Please don't shut down and back away because of the struggles you are facing. JUST hold onto the truth of this song.

MOVE your feet!

"Don't ask the Lord to guide your footsteps if you're not willing to move your feet."

That statement was the first thing I read this morning and it hit me like a lightning bolt...an "AHA" moment for sure. 

This or a similar version of this prayer is something that I pray VERY often.  I firmly believe in seeking God's direction and asking Him to lead the way. 

It's the second half of the statement that "spoke" to me this morning.  Am I really willing to MOVE when He says MOVE?  Am I really willing to step out in faith?  Do I really take the steps He says take?

More times than not, I think I find myself still glued in that same spot.  He says "Go" and I'm still standing there praying for direction.  He says "Go" and I don't like "His" answer so I keep praying and seeing if He is going to reveal a different plan.  He says "Go" and I don't feel ready, so I stay right where I am.  Perhaps even most often, He says "Go" and I don't have strong enough faith to blindly follow Him.  The world crowds out His voice.  My doubts speak louder than my faith.  Then there are those times that I'm JUST PLAIN stubborn! 

How many times do we pray prayers but don't listen to the answers for so many different reasons?  How many times do we pray prayers and put disclaimers on them?  God, help me do this or God, will you do this....umm, but don't make me have to _________________ or don't do it this way _____________! 

I wonder how many times, especially in the last several months, God hears my prayer and is like "Tracye, Tracye, Tracye...I've already answered that for you SO many times, but you just wouldn't listen!" 

I think maybe I should change my prayer approach.  Maybe I should be praying for BOLD faith, COURAGE, and His strength to move my feet because so many times He has already told me which direction to go! 

God didn't waste time!

Two posts: one day? Oh my.....crazy!

One thing I promised myself when I started blogging was to be honest. The main reason I finally jumped in the blogging world was to have a place I could be honest and not hold back and sugar coat my convictions or worry about offending someone. Sometimes that honesty reveals things that I maybe wouldn't "share" on a normal basis. If I'm going to blog about living a Christian life to inspire others, I also have to be ready to admit my own failures and acknowledge when things I'm learning/reading/studying step on my own toes. Today is one of those days.

Yesterday I talked about the closet challenge and how it was to be used as a visual reminder to pray for God to reveal sin in our lives. Well, it sure didn't take long for God to start pointing them out. It sure didn't take long for Him to start convicting me over some of those deep, hidden things that are displeasing to Him.

One of those areas He is showing me I'm failing Him is my attitude about certain people in our daily lives. I generally try to give people the benefit of the doubt and look past their flaws. I usually focus on their positive qualities and the fact that I have my own VERY visible flaws as well. However, there are some people that REALLY make it hard to remember! I've found myself FOCUSING on those visible flaws, hurtful actions, or things that just rub me the wrong way. Instead of TRULY loving them like Christ tells us to do, I've lost that focus. I absolutely believe those people have value and I love them because Christ commands us to love one another, even those that hurt us or those that make it very difficult. However, I've become guilty of making comments in our home about those people. Comments that would be best unsaid. Even if those around me are in 100% agreement, it is wrong to be speaking negatively about them. I should be following the rule of "IF you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all!" It doesn't matter how justified I feel to express those feelings. It's wrong. In other words, I need to let God keep his hand over my mouth AT ALL times!

I had already been thinking about this wrong attitude and how displeasing it is to God, but I've been sweeping it under the carpet and ignoring the conviction. However, after praying for God to reveal those hidden sins....this immediately came to mind. Not only did it come to mind, He provided opportunities to show me just how wrong it is. There were three different times today that He confirmed to me that this is one of this areas he wants me working on. Kevin and both of the older kids made comments today that MIRRORED something I had said more than once about people in our lives. The comments weren't "bad" so to speak, but they definitely carried the attitude that I had instilled in them. They probably wouldn't have noticed these "flaws" or cared much about them had I not been the one to point them out. We don't want to teach our children bad habits or be a stumbling block, but I realized as soon as the words came from their mouths that I am greatly responsible for them carrying those negative attitudes.

I can't change the fact that people do things to annoy us, hurt us, or drive us crazy. I can control how I react to them. I can begin to change how I respond so that my children learn to respond more appropriately as well. When "that" person, makes a promise that we know they will not follow through with....instead of saying "how typical" or "imagine that" and laughing with my kids about it, I should instead be saying something along the lines of "It was thoughtful of them to at least consider it or think of us". I don't have to bring up the fact that they've disappointed us OVER and OVER. When "that" person, cuts one of us down or does something to draw attention to themselves at the expense of us, instead of pointing out how many times it happens or talking about THEIR flaws....I should be saying to the kids, maybe we should pray for her to have better self confidence or a change of heart so that doesn't happen. Instead of pointing out someone's failure, even in the confines of our home or in personal conversation, I should just keep my mouth shut or at least find a way to focus on the positive. Otherwise, I'm teaching my kids that it's OK to talk about someones flaws. Even when Kevin and I talk about things between the two of us, it would be much more beneficial to us to be focusing on their positives or praying for our hearts to handle the hurtfulness instead of focusing on the negatives. Otherwise, we continue to allow the negative to sink in and give it the focus it doesn't need.

God commands us to love the unlovable. God tells us to forgive ALWAYS. God teaches us to guard our thoughts and our hearts. I think He is teaching me that it applies in EVERY situation and with ALL people. He doesn't give us a list of exceptions. He doesn't say love everyone except those that hurt you. He doesn't say love them, but yet come home and talk about them! LOVE them. Completely.....as Christ loves us. God loves us with EACH and EVERY one of our flaws and I should offer that same love to others.....no matter how hard it is at times.