HEAR ME giveaway/review INCREDIBLE!

Matthew West, Jeremy Camp, Chris Tomlin, Brandon Heath, Christ August, Stephen Curtis Chapman, Michael W. Smith....the list goes on.

Incredible voices.  Solo artists in Christian music that are household names in many Christian homes that love contemporary music.  Whether new or a bit older....you mention the name and a song immediately pops in your head.

A new name that I honestly believe will be on such lists in many homes in the coming years:

Kyle Sherman.

I was offered the opportunity to review his first album before it is released tomorrow (October 9th).  In the last 10 days or so that I've had his music in my hands, I think I've listened from beginning to end 30 times or more.  This wasn't one of those reviews that I listened to a couple of times, enjoyed and then didn't spend much time listening after the fact.

This one GOT me.

Incredible voice, lyrics with depth that reached in and grabbed my heart from the first second.

Those of you that know me well, KNOW I love contemporary Christian music and how it MOVES me, provides healing and puts my heart into an immediate mode of worship.

This album and artist MOVED me like only some of my favorite artists have been able to do.

Songs such as Hear Me, Come to Me, Healing Coming Down, He prayed for Me, etc...  wrapped their lyrics around my heart and have STUCK in my head.

Just this morning, lyrics from "One True Friend" were the first thoughts in my head as I woke up.  That was a beautiful thing to know that the first words in my heart this morning was that Jesus is always our one TRUE friend, no matter what is going around us!

Kyle Sherman.  We WILL be hearing more from him.

I'm THRILLED to get this in the hands of one of you.  THIS is one you will definitely listen to over and over (it's actually playing in our house for at least the 5th time today!).  

Leave a comment to enter and be sure to leave an email contact!  Winner will be chosen at RANDOM on the 15th! 

Website: http://www.kyleshermanmusic.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/kyleshermanmusic

Twitter: https://twitter.com/KyleShermanTX

YouTube Channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/RayLynnRecords

Album Bio

Fort Worth-based singer-songwriter Kyle Sherman recently signed on as the flagship artist to brand new label RayLynn Records, an opportunity that presented itself during a time period when a record deal wasn't even on his radar.

"It's crazy how God works," Kyle says. 'Five years ago, I pushed pretty hard to do my own thing as a singer-songwriter, but every well I approached would dry up. It clearly wasn't the right time." So Kyle continued on a path of leading worship, taking a full-time role as worship leader at Lifechurch.TV's Fort Worth campus under the leadership of renowned pastor/author Craig Groeschel.

Just 3-years later Kyle made it back to Nashville, pouring his heart into a microphone at Sony studio with veteran producer and country singer-songwriter Mark Collie making his first album. God is faithful. Hear Me, the result of those sessions, is an eclectic and authentic mix of rootsy, southern soul.

"Disclosure of Material Connection: I received one or more of the products or services mentioned above for free in hope that I would mention it on my blog. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will be good for my readers. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR, Part 255: "Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising."

A Lesson from an Apron

Aprons tell stories.

They are symbolic of many things in my life and in my God-given role as a wife and mother.

I think I could write pages about why I love them, cherish them, and embrace them with such an importance.  Yet, for the sake of time I'll just say:  they are just something that speak depth, history, and love.  Some women love shoes.  I love aprons.  No matter how many I have, I get excited like I kid on Christmas morning when I receive a new one (especially ones handed down or handmade).

Tonight an apron taught me another valuable lesson.  We've often laughed after the fact about all of the "strange" places God finds me and teaches me something I'm needing.  Tonight was another such night.

The last few weeks I've found myself in a very odd place.  Our family is stretching and growing....and searching.  We are struggling with the direction of the world and what it means to us as a family.  We feel the attack of Satan on us every direction we turn.  God is making it very clear that He is preparing us for something and as we wait for His direction, we are finding ourselves torn and broken.  Especially me.

I'm drained.  I'm spilled out.  I don't feel as if I have much to offer or give right now. We don't know if this is a time to pull inward as a family and just "hole up" for awhile or if God is getting ready to "move" us in another direction.  It's become very apparent by many recent situations that we are not in the right place in some different areas.

Because I'm highly emotional and tender hearted, I'm finding myself broken and frustrated much quicker than ever.  Even today, I found myself sitting in my closet floor having a melt-down.  Feeling as if I'm failing my family and those around me.  Feeling as if God is asking the wrong person to do things for Him.  Doesn't He know my weaknesses?  Doesn't He know I feel incapable?  Doesn't He think He can find someone else? Doesn't He know that my scars, wounds, and baggage are just not what He needs to fulfill His purpose?

Kevin met me in that floor.  He lovingly and prayerfully brought me to back to the real world.  Back to the place of picking myself back up and getting back on with life.  Helping to put my focus back in the right place.  Speaking truth to drown out the lies I've been letting in my heart and head.  He allowed God to use him to bring me back to a place of allowing God to minister to me even deeper.

And He did that.....through an apron.

I have a stash of aprons hanging in my kitchen on the shelf that Kevin made me at Christmas from antique window molding and porcelain knobs.  I noticed that they had become pretty unsightly. I gathered them all up and did ANOTHER load of laundry.  When they came out of the dryer, they somehow had become tangled in one giant ball.  A knotted mess.

Like me.

Knowing they couldn't be left like that, I start the untangling process and pulled out the ironing board and iron.

* Gasp *

For those of you that know me well........I don't iron.  Practically ever.  It's a standing joke that before I agreed to marry Kevin I had to make sure he knew that I would do ALMOST anything to take care of him, but ironing just wasn't one of those things I would do often.  Our marriage deal was pretty much sealed when I found out that He actually "enjoys" it (or at least tolerates it!).

He came in and offered to iron them tonight, but for some reason I TRULY wanted to do the task.

Reason:  God was working in my heart at that moment.

He was showing me that something all tangled, wrinkled and that looks pretty useless can turn out to be something beautiful.

Applying heat and pressure can make things beautiful again.  It's a refining process.

Just like the place we are right now.  He is refining us for a new purpose.

Stains. Wrinkles. Scars. Wounds.

All of it.

To make us new again.

So we can be used.

My aprons may be well worn, well-used, and stained.  Yet they have a purpose.  They have a story.  

They have been made "new" again.  

God is making me new again.  To be used.  He's in the process of applying heat and pressure right now to make us more usable for Him.  We just have to hang on through the process. 

"Kingdom Come Now" review and giveaway

It's been awhile since I've hosted a give-a-way and I'm thrilled to be able to offer some great Christian music today and then another one next week!  

Vineyard Worship

THIS IS YOUR KINGDOM COME NOW - featuring Casey Corum & Friends

Live from the Sugar Land Vineyard

(releases Tuesday, 10/2)

Album Bio

This dynamic new album features veteran worship leader and songwriter Casey Corum and a cast of friends recorded before a full house over two nights at Corum's home church. Listeners will also be introduced to the powerful voices of Torri Baker (Vineyard Church - Columbus, Ohio) and Crispin Schroeder (Northshore Vineyard - Covington, Louisiana), as well as a 17-voice gospel choir. Threads of R&B, gospel, and modern rock are woven together to create a fresh sound while, at the same time, being deeply rooted in the hallmark Vineyard worship value of intimacy with God.

Website: http://www.vineyardworship.com

Website: http://caseycorum.net

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DiscoverVineyard

Twitter: https://twitter.com/vineyardmusic

YouTube Channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/vineyardmusic/featured

My review: In the last year, I've reviewed several albums from Vineyard Music.  I've enjoyed the different genres of great worship music presented on each of them. With that said, let me just say, this newest one is by and large my favorite! Not only did I LOVE the style of the majority of the songs, they spoke to my heart.  REALLY touched my heart in a deep way, well beyond the surface!  There is nothing like feeling the weight of the world just melt away when you can come into His presence through music.  That is worship.  That is what this particular album did for my heart.  "This is Your Kingdom Come Now" is an album that I am certain I will listening to again and again!  

I'd love to get a copy of this into the hands of one of you!  One winner will receive a copy.  Entering is simple this time:  just leave a comment letting me know you want to enter.  Be sure to leave your name and email (most especially if you use the anonymous setting for comment).  Otherwise I can't contact you!  Enter to win through Monday the 8th at 6 PM (central).  I hope to announce the winner on Tuesday the 9th!  

Required fine print: "Disclosure of Material Connection: I received one or more of the products or services mentioned above for free in hope that I would mention it on my blog. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will be good for my readers. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR, Part 255: "Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising."

Combating Lies

In this day in age of the takeover of social media, it's becoming increasingly hard to not get caught up in the "world" and get lost in a distorted view of ourselves.

I'm ALL for social media when you are cautious about how you use it.

However, there are times you realize you are just as swept up in the hoopla as the next person.

Today, I'm keeping it real.

In this social media hyped world, I think we get inundated with images of perfection.  "She" is the perfect mom.  "She" is the perfect wife.  "She" always looks like a super-model. "She" never loses the juggling act and drops the ball.  "She" has it easy.  "Her" kids are prim, proper, and well-mannered.

Yes, those don't really exist.  We just tend to see the good because that is what is most often posted or written about.

Yet, we live in a REAL world.

Keeping it real says:  I'm not like that and it's OK.

Keeping it real says:  I'm struggling.  I'm failing.  I'm far from perfection.

Today, I'm keeping it real.

I've got caught up in the comparison trap.  I've been comparing myself to too many others and feeling as if I don't measure up.

It doesn't matter that I know the truth.  I've still fallen into that trap.  A lie of Satan.

We've embarked on an incredible journey with our elementary kids (about 85 1-5th graders) on Wednesday nights.  Our staff put together a FANTASTIC program this semester that we call Combat 607.  We get all decked out in our camo gear and show up READY to combat the lies of Satan.  Spiritual warfare.  We are going through popular lies that Satan tells us and we learn how to combat it with the truth of God and scripture.  My heart has been overwhelmed seeing the enthusiasm of the kids and listening to them repeat scripture that is hidden in their hearts.  I'm not talking little 5 or 6 word verses.  I'm talking passages.  Some of these kids can put us as parents to shame!

In the teaching, which is obviously meant for the kids, I've found that I'm learning just as much as they are.

I'm realizing that I've been in a battle and I've not been pulling out the power that LIVES inside of me.

I've been listening to lies.

At the risk of being more vulnerable than normal, I admit that I have abandonment issues.  I have confidence issues that stem from being an in process reformed perfectionist.  I just now am fully embracing the meaning of unconditional love.  I greatly struggle with balancing what forgiveness means and what it doesn't (that's a HUGE one!).

I realized that I was allowing the lies of Satan in my own heart.  For me, it was most apparent in my responses to what I would see on facebook.

Because of my own struggles and past (they do shape us!---we just have to learn healthy ways to respond), I was getting so caught up in the comparison trap that I was crushing my own spirit and blocking my connection with God.

Why does that person support him/her, but totally ignore me?  How does that person always keep it together?  I can't do anything NEARLY as good as that person, so why bother? That person clicks "like" on EVERY one of that person's posts....but if I had put the exact same thing, they would have avoided my post like the plague.  I could go on and on........

It was breaking me.

It sounds ridiculous to write it out now, but at the same time I KNOW I'm not the only one facing it.

We want people to like us.  We want to be seen as having it all together.  We want to be connected.

THAT is why social media sites like facebook and twitter have exploded.

We want our voices to be heard.

We want people to support us.  Acknowledge us.  We want people to see inside of us and still like us.

Yet, we are ending up disconnecting.  We end up discouraging ourselves and others.

I've been caught up listening the the lies of Satan.

You don't matter.  You aren't good enough.  No one sees you.

LIES.

The truth is found throughout scripture.

The battle is won with the truth of God.

I just failed to embrace it fully enough.  I "know" the truth.  I just haven't been applying the truth.  I've not been waging war against the lies.  I've just been accepting them as normal and as reality.  Lies may hurt.  Lies can destroy if allowed to take root.

Yet, TRUTH is MORE powerful.  Today, I choose to embrace the truth.  Even if it means repeating it over and over so that it moves from my head to my heart or from my heart to my head.  Even if it means shutting off the outside world for awhile.  Even if it means avoiding relationships that are toxic.

Embracing the truth.  Combating the lies.

If YOU don't, who will?

Something important has been on my heart the last week or longer.  I've wanted to share my thoughts about it, but every time I've sat down I've become distracted.

I know that is that mean ole Satan up to tricks.

He wants me distracted and he wants you distracted.

When we are distracted, he can attack, divide, and destroy.

Marriage.

It's such a reflection of Christ and His love for us.

Ours has been through the dark waters that left us feeling destroyed, sinking, and unable to get out of the pit of despair.

We've been on the side of wondering how to survive.  NEVER something I ever want to experience again, not even in the slightest form.

Today, we are thriving, growing, and overflowing with unconditional, DEEP love.

Actually, two weeks from today, we will be celebrating 17 years.  It's unreal.

Yet, even though we have an INCREDIBLE marriage that people comment on OFTEN, we still struggle.

It's VERY easy to fall back into the old traps.  The ones that started us down a path of destruction.

For me, I can easily panic when just the slightest hint of those dark days return.  Most often, that happens when we are running in too many directions and not stopping to focus completely on each other and communicating in each other's distinct love languages.

For our marriage, we quickly lose connection when we aren't praying, studying, and putting our own relationships with Christ first.  HE HAS to be above everything else or we fall apart.  In those moments when  we begin slipping apart, Satan walks right in and attacks us in our vulnerable and weak places.  It's easy to let that spiral out of control if we aren't proactive and careful.

How do we combat that?  How do we make sure that we don't backtrack?

The answer is both simple and complex.

It's prayer.

This month I'm following along with Women Living Well and participating in focusing on reviving our marriage.  It doesn't matter how great it might be right now, we HAVE to be PROACTIVE to keep it that way.



Prayer has been the topic this first week.

It's vital.

"If you don't pray for you spouse--who will?"

Who on earth knows you better than your spouse?  Who knows you more intimately?  Who knows your heart, your needs, your flaws, your desires, and your weaknesses?  Who knows most about what is going on in your daily life, including the things that the world doesn't see?

My spouse.

Kevin knows me as well as I know myself and sometimes even more so.  I know more about him and his needs/heart than anyone else.

It's my responsibility to battle for him.

YES, I said responsibility.

I'm failing him and our marriage when I get lazy and distracted and don't consistently and thoroughly pray on his behalf.

Yes, those prayers of bless him, protect him, uplift him, etc... are important.

BUT...

it's the others that are vital.

The ones where I TRULY go to God on his behalf.  In depth.  Specific.

Others may pray for him (and I'm certain that a few do!), but it is my RESPONSIBILITY to be the most consistent.

God gave him to me as an extension of His love for me.  To grow together.

Marriage makes us one.  Literally.

When I'm short-changing him, I'm short-changing myself.

Then the weaknesses show up.  Cracks.  Distractions.  Temptations.

When we are actively, purposely coming together as one----nothing can defeat.  Days may be hard and we may face incredible obstacles, but we go there together AS ONE.

The challenge for this week:

Take a week and focus on praying specifically for your spouse.  It can LITERALLY revive a marriage that is broken.  It can move one from ordinary to extraordinary.  Even if you don't "feel" a difference, you can be confident that it is at work in your own heart and God is at work on your behalf.

Don't allow Satan a moment to sneak in and create division or enlarge cracks.  Stay connected.  Truly be one as God designed.  It's beautiful when you are!

Mosquitoes

Pesky mosquitoes.  

A real pain they are.  

Seems like the past couple of days these little critters have left us laughing hysterically.  Laughter in the home is a MUST.  It chases away negativity and hard times.  

We've been having to "guard" ourselves and the babies against bites in recent weeks if we are out because our area is under warnings for West Nile being confirmed.  For that reason, we've not gone on as many walks or trips to the playground.  

Pesky things.  Annoying. 

Yesterday, we were sitting waiting for a LONG line to move and we were VERY pressed for time to get to the next thing on the schedule.  To pass the time, my daughter and I were both on our phones on facebook.  She was laughing about something a friend had posted.  I saw a picture that literally caused tears to roll roll down my face and I had to read it to her, which in turn had us both laughing so hard that people walking by were giving us crazy looks.  

"You know that person you REALLY, REALLY want to slap.  Go ahead.  Just yell "mosquito" first. "

Now, I'm the first to admit that is definitely not the most spiritual statement and I did have to tell her that we probably shouldn't actually ACT on it.  Yet, it was a good laughter break because we both are dealing with people in our lives that are causing us great emotional difficulties.  We ARE trying to let God teach us how to love these people in our lives and we constantly are discussing ways to allow that to happen. But.....

It was funny.  

Different times today,  we've yelled mosquito when something has annoyed us or been stressful.  It's been a great tool to release the stress and "move on" from our negative feelings and frustration.  

Earlier this afternoon, I read another statement about mosquitoes that stopped me in my tracks.  At first it caused another great laugh because we LOVE it.  However, as the afternoon has progressed the statement has gotten deeper in my heart to the point that it has "run all over me with Holy Ghost goosebumps" (you Southerners understand that statement!).  

" I want to be so full of Christ, that when a mosquito bites me it flies away singing "Power in the Blood"."

Oh my goodness, isn't that the truth!

I literally want Him oozing from every pore in my body.  I want Him to be all that people see. I want every thought from my head and heart to come from Him, about Him, and reflect Him.

So much that when I'm stressed or hurt by people that my heart immediately allows the love of Christ to flow through me, soothing the hurt in my heart and offering grace and forgiveness to the offender.  

There are days that I may feel like yelling "mosquito" to diffuse the hurt or stress, but I pray that there are more and more days of them flying away singing "Power in the Blood."

Just please, Lord, don't send an actual mosquito this way to prove your point.  I REALLY hate those things!  

Time...Too Fast

Those of us that are moms (or dads), know there are moments that come along and just leave you shaking your head in wonder.

Amazement...
Of...
How..
Quickly...
Time...
Flies...

Yes, there were women in grocery stores that warned me to soak in each day.

Yes, there were mentors in my life that warned me to not wish away any single days.

But...

It happened anyway.

Now, here I sit with a vivid awakening of how quickly time has fleeted.

Yesterday, I had a tiny, thirteen pound one year old daughter.  She was SO very tiny and full of life.  Nothing slowed her down.  Her tiny size was just the little bit of motivation she needed to do everything faster than everyone else.  She set out to prove how very capable she was of anything at a very young age.  Doctors could find no medical reason of why she was so tiny and so healthy.  We knew it was just because she was so busy!

She never stopped.

Yet, tomorrow she is now old enough and big enough to start driver's ed.

It is a milestone of epic proportions to this mom's heart.  She's big enough?  She's old enough?  It's the reality of driving.  It's her first "classroom" experience (outside of church or other homeschool groups).

Oh, I have no doubts in her abilities.  I have no doubt she is going to succeed.  I have no doubts that God has a purpose for her life.

THAT is the issue.

He has a purpose and a HUGE plan for her life.  This mom knows that His plan is most likely going to put her on the other side of the world in the near future.  After all, she has a heart similar to mine and her heart is for missions and orphans.  His plan hasn't been revealed to us yet, but our hearts know that her calling is becoming more and more clear that she won't be just a few houses down the street.

Oh, my heart.

You see, I know that as mothers our role from day one is to let go.  To teach our children how to live as adults without us.  To be productive and on their own.  To find their own wings, passions, and to live as God designed THEM.

I KNOW that.

It's obvious I LOVE being with my kids.  So much, that it became my full time career (being home and home educating).  Without a doubt, I love to see them grow, learn, and become more and more of who God designed them to be.

But....

When I look at her now, my eyes may see the beautiful young woman of God that she is....

But my heart sees this....

Priority Adjustment

Every once in awhile, we all have hard weeks that make us look inward and evaluate priorities.  Weeks that are a struggle or that just seem "off".  

Last week was one such week for me. 

I found myself knocked down with a flare-up that ended up with some very different symptoms than were not typical for me.  I REFUSE to go the doctor almost always when I'm sick.  I think it had actually been almost six years since the last time I gave in.  Those that know me well know that I have a pretty big case of "white coat" syndrome and have a pretty big phobia of doctors/medical offices (mostly from the ordeal we faced with Peyton).  I finally gave in and had Kevin take me to the clinic. Ended up that I had pneumonia and was having some serious heart rate issues while my body was fighting the infection.  

Amazingly, within 24 hours of antibiotics and some breathing treatments, I was WELL on my way to feeling human again.  The great thing about taking them so infrequently is that when you need them your body GREATLY benefits.  

What I wasn't expecting was how much of a struggle it would be to take care of the simple tasks.  I was warned that it would take awhile to feel normal, but I guess I thought I could avoid those warnings!  Whew...not!  

Fortunately, this week started incredibly better.  I'm feeling a little more tired at the end of the day than typical, but I'm almost back to my energizer bunny self.  My husband laughs and says that I get more accomplished when I'm sick than he does on a good day----but it's not a laughing matter to me.  I felt run over and my to-do list was getting longer and more out of control.  Thank goodness my energy is rebounding because our week is overloaded with extra activities and responsibilities.  

Unfortunately, what I noticed this week was that while I was greatly improving physically, spiritually I wasn't.  I was dragging far more than just in a physical sense.  

Some great things had been happening and I should have been feeling contentment and confidence from having kept things on track while I was down.  Kevin kept telling me how proud he was of the fact that we kept school on track, the house was "workable" (though not near my normal standards), I'd had a great time taking care of my babies, etc... Yet, I didn't feel it.  I felt disconnect.  

Then last night I realized WHY.

When I went in to survival mode of trying to keep one foot in front of the other, I let the most important relationship slip.  

I let go of God being my  number one priority.  My one-on-one time with Him had slipped down my list.  

Prayers become one line sentences and requests.  "Help me".  "Sustain me." "Thank you."  Those type things.  

While "those" are important and necessary, they lacked depth.  They lacked truly getting in my heart and connecting.  

I get up earlier than my kids and try to squeeze in some Bible reading and devotional studies before the babies arrive and before we start our school day. 

I needed every last minute of sleep I could get, so I began to skip that time. 

I planned on reading at night, but I collapsed in bed.  

Truly connecting with Kevin and having our necessary in depth, heart-to-heart conversations also became few and far between.  We reverted to the basics and the "necessary" discussions to keep the home afloat.  "Don't forget to...." , "Will you...", and "Did you...." became the bulk of our conversations.  It takes MUCH more than that to sustain and grow a healthy marriage.

No wonder I felt disconnect.  No wonder that even in joyful moments, I didn't feel the same level of praise and thankfulness.  No wonder I went to bed at night feeling a bit empty.

I'd let the most important things slip.  

I'm not who I am and can't be who I'm created to be when I'm not putting my relationship with Christ FIRST.  I can't operate in survival mode.  He is my first love and I must ALWAYS remember that, even when life is difficult and overwhelming.  

If that relationship isn't growing and strong, then my relationship with Kevin quickly can become stagnant and  "normal".  We aren't normal.  We don't want to be normal.  We want to be extraordinary and work hard to make sure our relationship reflects that.  

Thank goodness my heart got the wake-up call that it needed.  Though I needed physical healing and strength, my heart also needed a boost and to be fully connected to the source of life. 

Priorities readjusted.  Hearts reconnected. Operating from the source of life.  Just in time.  

Full Disclosure Friday: Seeking Approval

In keeping with the "Full Disclosure Friday" theme....

another transparent, honest post.

I believe in honesty...even when it leaves you vulnerable.

I'm frustrated.

Well, that is an understatement.  I guess perhaps if I'm "fully disclosing" I should admit that I'm furious. Hurt. Sick.

There, I've admitted it.

I'm struggling with an issue.  One that isn't pretty.  One that reveals a struggle within my fleshly side that shows just how far from perfection and godliness I am.  Sitting in my own sin.  Needing His grace.

I'm aggravated.

I am totally caught up in the fact that I continue to allow the opinions of others to taunt me, hurt me, drive me in the wrong direction.

I'm tired of it.  I do NOT want it to matter.  I don't want to care.  I want to hold on to the confidence I have in Christ.  I want to stand tall in the fact that I know He is leading my life and directing my paths.

Yet, unfortunately, I fail at letting that be enough.

I think too much about what others think.  I look too often to their approval and I get stuck in the pit of their disapproval.

Even though I know....

their opinion doesn't matter.  It never will.

But it does.

I hate it.

I hate that part of me.

I keep asking God to rip it out and redirect my attention to His face, His ways, and His filling of every gap in my heart.

Yet, here I sit.  Once again.  Hurting again.  Wondering what I have to do to be good enough.  Even though I know without a doubt that I am already good enough.  My life should speak for itself.  Christ lives in me.  No other quality or trait matters or compares.

Yet....I sit.  Waiting for approval.

Knowing their approval is the least of my worries.

But it sits as a priority in my heart.

Ugly.  Paralyzing.  Disgusting.

Disclosure admits that though I say it doesn't matter, it does.  "Their" words hurt.  "Their" actions hurt.  "Their"  inaction hurts worse.  "Their" bold approval of others and disregard of me (or my children, husband, or family) hurts.

I KNOW better than to take stock in "their" opinions.  After all, I often tell my kids to not worry what others think.  Their keeping a clean heart before God and giving Him their best is what matters.

That IS the truth.

Yet, the truth is.....it still hurts.

I keep wondering and asking God why things continue to be the way they are in a few situations.  I keep wondering when He will change the circumstances.  All I hear in response is:  trust and wait.

I'm not so good at the waiting part.

I constantly and vividly look for the lessons in trials.  I keep my heart open for what it is that He is teaching or asking of me when in the middle of struggles.

Impatiently.  Waiting.  Desperately. Seeking.  Not giving up.  Not giving in.

I don't need the applause and approval of certain individuals to know that I'm doing something right.  Yet, being transparent, don't we all seek it on some level?  Doesn't it sting when it doesn't come.

The real question I'm trying to learn to answer is:  what now?

Do I wallow in self-pity?  Do I rage at the injustice of situations?  Do I act in defiance and lash out?  Do I let those hurtful situations justify poor behavior in response?

Unfortunately I have to admit I'm guilty of all of them at some point or another.  Not something to be proud of.

I typically try to let it drive me to improve, do more, succeed harder.  Though I realize that is a wrong response as well.  Nothing wrong with improving, but the attitude of my heart in these situations isn't as pure in nature as it should be.

Instead, the desire of my heart is for God to rip all of those negative responses out and fill me with His love, His grace, and His heart.

Thank goodness I'm a work in process.  Thank goodness He doesn't demand perfection.

He seems to be giving me LOTS of practice will dealing with these "negative" emotions lately.  I just pray that I learn VERY quickly to respond more in His way and less of mine SOON.  I sure hope I learn what He is trying to teach me quickly.

Mold me.  Teach me.  Fill me.

He's using that chisel on me and it's quite painful at times.  I want to rush through the process and get to the final result immediately.  Yet, I know I have to go through the process.  Each painful chipping away of the "ugly" one tap at a time.  Ouch.

Week in Review 1

First "week" of school of 2012-2013 is in the books!  (Actually only had 4 days.  We started Tuesday and had planned to take today off, but the kids demanded we have it!.  I sure hope this enthusiasm will continue!).


This year, we are taking a Five in A Row approach with MANY added in activities to expand learning deeper with Bradlee.

I'm also using Horizons Math and Kumon for supplement.  I'm using Explode the Code Level 2 and 2.5 along with Christian Light Education Language Arts to supplement the FIAR.  For Bible, I'm combining several different things to create our curriculum ("What's in the Bible" DVD series is a heavy focus at this point).

This week our FIAR  "rowing" is "The Story About Ping" so we had a duck and China themed week.

Here is Bradlee's week in pictures.  The big kids aren't much too interested in me documenting their school day in pictures.  :)

Here are the highlights:

Duck Pond with rubber ducks and blue punch

First Day of School Printable (have the matching page for the last day of school)

Reading Ping (with one of our little buddies joining in!)

Predicting buoyancy and recording actual answers

Math (Horizons)

Painted paper plate/handprint ducks (and both of the babies also joined in!)

Praying Jonah craft.  We talked about how both Ping and Jonah didn't listen the first time and what the consequences  of their disobedience were.  Both Jonah and Ping learned their lesson and became obedient.

Kumon Supplement "Time"

Flag of China and Chinese Paper Lantern

 We also spent a lot of time reading and working through our phonics/language books.  I was quite surprised with how amazing this week went.  It was fantastic to see how much easier it was with his ability to sit still and focus MUCH better than last year.  He also FINALLY doesn't refuse to color.  THAT is huge!  (Do you know how many times activities include "color __________ red " or something similar! It was a MAJOR battle last year!) 

The biggest surprise for me was how well we still managed to get everything on our list done with the babies. They were fantastic.  As often as possible, I included them in with what we were doing and took GREAT advantage of nap times.  We still managed to keep the house in tip-top shape and even hosted a dinner with some neighbors on Wednesday night.  I absolutely felt like a ping-pong ball bouncing back and forth and have been WIPED out physically at the end of the day, but I have been overjoyed with how well things have gone. I'm sure there will be many days that are a BOMB----but I'm going to celebrate EACH and EVERY one of the victories so far.  

The best news:  we are ALL looking forward to the next weeks with anticipation and excitement.  That is the most priceless feeling.  We will be taking most of this next week off because of a much looked forward to visit from my Sweet T (which is why I started earlier this year than normal).  After that, we will be ready to "row" "Storm in the Night" and I am most excited for this week more than any I've planned so far.  

School time! 2012-2013

School is officially underway with the Goad crew.

Kicking off our 11th year of homeschooling has been so bittersweet.  It's so hard to believe where we started, where we are, where we are going, and just embracing each day!  Hard to believe that I only have three years left with my oldest and we are just really getting started with my youngest.  

This year, I've completely changed the direction of our education approach.  I just felt like God has been leading my heart in a different direction and needing me to get more hands on and invest MORE of myself into what we are doing.  That approach was "crazy" to many since life is more hectic than ever, especially with having two young toddlers in the house (currently 12 months and 13 months).  My head screamed go simple, but yet my heart knew it was time to go deeper.  

I spent the entire summer choosing curriculum, budgeting, ordering, and creating lesson plans.  Pinterest and other internet sites and I became attached at the hip! I spent countless hours: planning, stressing, planning, and stressing some more.  Eventually I relaxed and enjoyed the process, but I can't say it was that way all along! When I finally finished lesson plans that will take us all the way through Columbus Day, I literally squealed, shouted, and cried.  SUCH a huge relief and excitement all wrapped up into one.  I also gathered EVERY needed supply and boxed them according to each week/topic/child so that they are completely ready to go.  THAT is what is saving my sanity!

One of the biggest struggles I have had in lesson planning is that we ALWAYS get off track.  When that happens, my entire lesson plan book is off and I get frustrated beyond imagination (even to the point of stopping planning and that leads to DISASTER!).  I was so excited to find an idea on pinterest that literally made life so easy. 

Planning with post-it notes! A teacher posted how she used them by drawing grids in a notebook and then moves them around as needed.  I loved that idea, but hers needed a little bit of tweaking to work for our family (more subjects, needing more on a page).  With a little bit more research, I found one that used smaller post-its and it works perfectly.  Each subject is color-coded and can be moved around when we miss a day or don't finish.  It was a life-saver during the planning process!!!

Once those pages we're filled, I was ready to go (this particular page we have Friday off)

Link for printable page I used

Link for original idea (great for actual classroom teachers)

The absolute best part of the first day of school are the REQUIRED pictures in my book.  This year we put a different twist to them and I loved it!  (We are all wearing new homeschool back to school shirts purchased from Great Products!)  

And we started the year off with an end of summer/back to school weekend with treats and a fun trip to Starved Rock State Park for some hiking.  

(Adriana says the boys are "Scary").

Ready for a new year!  New goals.  New ways.  New inspiration.  Ready to tackle things in the way God is leading.

I may feel like a ping-pong ball bouncing between my three kids, the two babies I take care of, household responsibilities, volunteer roles, keeping connected to God in powerful new ways, and keeping my husband is top priority..........BUT God brought me here and He has yet to leave me.  He will equip.  He will guide.  He will provide rest and comfort.  He will be there on the days that I pull my hair out!  :)

Just to be Home

It's Friday for another hour, so it's the perfect timing for a "Full Disclosure Friday" post.

I've spent weeks stressed about many different things going on our lives.  I've remained joyful, hopeful, and tried so very hard to not let the stress overtake.  I've succeeded much of the time.  Yet, others....

I've failed.

I've felt such a heavy weight that is so hard to describe.  Tonight for the first time in so long I TRULY laughed and felt light again.  My heart was open without reserve.

In those moments, I realized what some of the weight has been.

Homesickness.

I'm simply homesick.

It's been almost a year since I've been home.

We love, value, and cherish our lives here.  "Here" is where we have turned a house into a home for our family.  "Here" is where I've found myself in ways I didn't know possible.  Where I've grown into my own skin and found a deeper faith and connection with God.  "Here" is home for us.  "Here" is where life happens and joy has overflowed.  "Here" is where our marriage has healed, restored, and exploded.  "Here" is where God has placed us for a purpose.

But home is still home.

They say you can't go home again.

But I want to.

I need to.

I wish there was a way to just pack up, take a month, and go home.

Oh yes, there is family we miss and we would cherish time with.  Babies I've only seen in pictures, but never touched, smelled, or snuggled.  Relatives that mean the world.

I'd love to be home again.  It still hurts immensely to go home and not see Daddy waiting, but I still want to go home.  Drive those curves and pull up that hill to Windy Hill Angus Farm which we've lovingly called "Hurst B&B" the last several years.  Sit on that back porch with a view that proves that God created an amazingly intricate world for our pleasure.  Listen to the crickets and see the stars like they are as close as just reaching up and grabbing them.  Rub my hand over his tractor and look at his pride and joy classic cars (don't DARE touch those!!!! LOL!) Sit in his chair.  Sit at his big desk and spin around in his office chair.  How on earth could something be so organized and so disorganized at the same time?  Just see his files still sitting on his desk in his "PERFECT", teeny-tiny handwriting that seems so out of character for such a large, powerful man.  Oh yes, how I wish I could go home.  Even though "home" isn't the same without him.

I'd love to sit with Teresa.  OK---sitting isn't the right word.  It would be scrapbooking, cooking, gardening, sewing, or running every which way doing something that would put Betty Crocker or Martha Stewart to shame.  Just to sit and talk.  Oh my.  To go home again.

To go just down the road a mile and sit with Granny and Pa.  Listen to their stories and learn.  Reminisce about the most amazing childhood memories sitting on their swing.  Learning so much about life that I didn't know I was learning at the time.  Some biscuits and grape jelly wouldn't hurt either. People may try, but you just can't duplicate it.  Oh my.  To go home again.

Yet, as amazing as that would be, it's far more than that.

I'm homesick for so much more.

The pace of life. The simplicity.

How I wish I could just sit with so many that mean so much to Kevin, myself, and the two of us together.  Those we've learned so much from.  Those we've laughed with.  Those we've cried with.  Those that have shaped us through the hardest times of our lives.  Most especially those that led us along our paths that deepened our walks with Christ.  To get those hugs from special people that just can't be replaced through email/letters/facebook.  Just to go home again and SOAK it in.  No rush.  Ears and hearts open to the conversations that matter.

How I really wish we could just sit and listen to so many preachers that we crave to hear from.  Those that have already gained their heavenly rewards.  Those that are preaching from pulpits in different places.  Those that preached the Bible without regards to political correctness.  Those that brought life to scripture.  Even some that we value even though we've not heard them in person----those that have grown up with us that are now ministers.  Oh how, I wish we could go home and sit awhile. Get our toes stepped on, our sin exposed.  Driven to change.  Encouraged. Uplifted.

To soak in that praise and worship that is distinctly "home".  The kind where you feel God moving in your heart before you ever hear the first note on the piano/keyboard.  Seeing those special people with their fingers flying over the keys as if their hands never touched them.

Community church camp.
Friday night football and 5th Quarter services afterwards.
Back porch rockers.
Sweet tea in a mason jar.  Catching lightning bugs in those jars later in the night.
Cranking the handle on the ice cream freezer and waiting with mouth watering anticipation.
Hills, valleys, and curves that "tickle your tummy" as Bradlee says when we visit.

Just to go home again.

Maybe it's that our kids are growing up.  A new chapter of school is beginning.  The realization that some we hold dear aren't always going to be with us.  Maybe it's the melancholy of watching some of Adriana's friends that we value so dearly leaving for college.  Maybe it's seeing pictures of things from home and missing it.

Maybe it's just that longing that God has placed in us to crave heaven.  Our real home.

Just to be home.

Why I Didn't Eat "THERE" Yesterday

I have purposely not made any comments about the controversy surrounding one of my favorite places to eat.  I've actively pursued silence, though it has been very difficult.

Can't resist any longer.

I LOVE that place. I so very often salivate and crave their food and we HAVE been known to drive completely out of the way to find one!  I LOVE what they stand for.  I LOVE that a business is bold enough in their beliefs to go against the "norm" and not open on Sunday. I believe adamantly in the support of freedom of speech.  Anyone knows me knows where I stand on the "hot" issue at hand.  I FULLY support and believe in the sanctity of marriage as one man and one woman.  I am one of the biggest believers in family values.  I mean just look at the decisions our family makes daily in regards to living life as set apart and as Biblical as we can.  Everyone: you know me.  You know what I stand for.

Yet, I didn't eat at "that" favorite restaurant yesterday.

Yes, we only have a tiny "express" in the basement of our campus student union.  It would have been VERY inconvenient to have taken 5 kids there yesterday, navigating campus parking and such with babies.  I had an excuse.

However, I COULD have done it.  Perhaps, I SHOULD have done it.

I'm thrilled with how many people DID show up in support of freedom of speech and family values.  I'm thrilled with the stories I've heard of random acts of kindness, conversations, and fellowship that took place.

After all, I believe in what "they" do.  I hold dear those same values.

 I believe we are living in a VERY fallen world.  I lay awake at night (forgive me if I didn't use the right word there...I STILL can't keep lie/lay straight), struggling at times to breathe because of how difficult it is becoming to raise children in this world.  Look around.  Sin is no longer black and white.  We as a country and as individuals have become so blinded by what the world tells us is ok that we often don't even know right from wrong ourselves!  Go against what is "norm" is so very difficult to do and it gets harder with each passing minute.  Even finding solace and support in our churches is becoming more and more difficult (*note*---generally speaking!).

If you claim Christian beliefs, you are immediately labeled a hater, bigot, hypocrite, etc...  regardless of anyone considering your heart.

Yes, MANY cases are evident that the world accepts anything BUT Christianity when they speak of tolerance.

However....

BUT....

Here we go.  I'm going to step on some toes.  I'm going to step on my own.  Painfully.

God is LOVE.  God demands LOVE from us.

We have to be careful.  Sin is sin.  "Their" sin is no different than yours and mine.  WE are ALL sinful people. When I look in the mirror, it is a sinful reflection looking back at me.

No amount of righteousness changes that.

I'm still a sinner: only saved by the blood of Jesus Christ.

My sin still stinks.  I am not spotless.  I reek.

We too easily (myself WAY up on that list!) get caught up in being high-and-mighty when we proclaim right from wrong.

I will be honest.  I'm struggling.  I'm struggling with finding the balance of talking/teaching/encouraging to abstain from sin, living Biblical principles WITH accepting that we are sinners and treating others with love and acceptance.  I believe that we absolutely HAVE to stand up for morals and what the Bible says is right and wrong.  ABSOLUTELY believe in that!  Anyone that knows me, KNOWS that.  Yet, we also are responsible for loving.

Yet, there is the other part.  The ugly part.  The part that we wrongly think we are better than someone else because we aren't participating in the sin that they are.

We don't EVER drink and we honestly struggle with those around us that do.  Yet, it's a personal choice that people make based on their own convictions and understanding of scripture.  We don't watch, read, participate in certain activities and set high standards for what we allow our focus to be drawn to.  Our standards are different.  We search the Bible for answers and earnestly seek God's will.  He places a convicting spirit within us and we know that "something" isn't for us.  It's subjective in nature.  We can argue all day about what is right/wrong on those standards, where grace comes in, etc...

In the end. WE are ALL still sinners.

Some sins are easily defined.  Others aren't.  We are living in a world that can't even see black and white on issues that the Bible plainly states as wrong.

Guess what?  Even those that fall in the black and white category are just as sinful as the person that looks back at me in the mirror.

Why, didn't I eat "there" yesterday when I so obviously believe in their founding principles?

*I didn't feel worthy.
*I'm stepping in my own sin with every step I take.
*I'm confused with what my role in this world is.
*I don't know where to draw the line between encouraging "gospel living" and loving people exactly where they are at this moment.

I know this post seems very out of character for me.  People probably expected my facebook page to be all about the controversy that is swirling out of control.  After all, I'm very vocal about so many things in regards to spiritually protecting our children and families.  This issue makes me concerned about what freedoms will be attacked next and what that means for our family.

Yet, to be honest.  I'm stunned.  I'm stunned that *it* is even such an issue.



But I sat at home. In stunned silence.  I know what I believe in, I know WHY I believe it,  I BELIEVE the Bible.  Yet, I'm confused.

I don't know how to balance what I believe in with LOVE and RESPECT for others.  We are to LOVE our enemies.  We are to LOVE those that persecute us.  I LOVE my children even when they do wrong.  Yet, do I offer that same love to others when they do wrong?  Do I offer myself that same love when I fall short?

Yet, we are to HATE sin.  We are to FLEE from it.

I just don't know how to do it and how to balance it.

There you go.  That is why I didn't eat there.  There is a glimpse into the confusion in my own heart/head.   Here is a very poorly written/expressed post because I can't even make sense of it all in my own head.

Goodbye Fear

There is a four letter word that begins with "F" that I hate.  

Oh yes, I hate THAT one.....but

It's the word FEAR that is getting under my skin right now.  

Because I've been living in it.  

I've let it root and overtake.  

Today, I'm uprooting it and tossing it out.  

God's word tells me countless times to not fear.  God is in control.  

I've been focusing GREATLY on Philippians 4:8 in regards to what I allow in my heart and mind.  For the most part that has been about things I don't watch, listen to, participate in, etc..  It's been about making sure I'm surrounded by people that lift me up and encourage me to a higher standard.  

Unfortunately, I've not been taking that verse to the deeper level of what I tell myself or what negative self-talk I allow to filter in my heart.

I've let those nasty words that come from fear overtake for too long.

You're weak.  You're not capable.  You've failed before.  THAT is impossible.  Constant second guessing.  The list could go on indefinitely.  

For the most part, the negative talk in my head has been in regards to preparing for this next school year.  In just a few weeks, we will start our 11th year of home education.  I'm still speechless.

God has really driven me to go about our education very differently this year.  More hands on.  More spiritually driven.  More individualized.  More literature based.  Basically, everything that involves MORE of me.  More of my time.  More of my heart.  More of my abilities.  

Which simply means....

More ways to fail.  

Fear.

I've listened to it too long.  I've let it rob me of my confidence.  I've focused on the what could go wrong more than the what can go RIGHT!

Kevin and I spent quite awhile talking last night about everything scrambled in my head in regards to this upcoming school year. I literally was talking a mile a minute.  Once I finally opened my mouth about what was weighing on me, it all just came spilling out.  Every pro/con.  Every fear.  Every concern.  Every possible solution to problems that may or may not exist.  You get the picture!  

He just looked at me and laughed.  

No, I didn't slap him. :)  I actually laughed, too.  I realized how crazy I sounded!  He actually joked and told me to start speaking SOUTHERN!  In other words, slow down.  :)  He told me that he was still stuck back on 10 statements ago and was trying to catch up.  

It hit me.  

I hadn't been applying Phil 4:8 to my own doubts.  

Today I've been totally overwhelmed with calm about remembering that God WILL provide.  

We debated adding babies to care for.  We wondered if I could handle it or if I would self-destruct.  

What we discovered is that when God gives you a ministry or a calling something amazing happens.  He provides.  For me, extra energy has been poured out.  Fulfillment.  Joy.  The ability to embrace when things don't go picture perfectly.  The ability to compromise and try new things.  Because God called me to it, He has provided the needed tools.  Every day hasn't been storybook perfect and I have been exhausted at times----but the joy has been far more apparent.  God has shown up EVERY single time I've need Him. 

This school year is no different.  

I feel called to a new standard of living in our home and that includes how I educate, how we operate as a family, and the way we interact.  He's given us a new set of goals and deepened my calling.  

Because of that....

He will provide.  He will given me the abilities I need or send me in the direction of help when needed.  He will teach me how to balance the needs.  He will open doors to allow Kevin and I to maintain the incredible relationship growth we are experiencing (which has been my greatest fear----our relationship losing priority).  

I just have to kick fear to the curb.  Stomp on it.  Shut up the doubts.  Feed my faith so the doubts will starve.  Focus my eyes (heart and attitude) where it belongs.  Allow God to lead and overtake EVERY aspect of EVERY minute and give Him full control.  Otherwise I can't go wrong.  Bad days are expected.  We will derail at times, but as long as our eyes are fixed in the right direction we will find our way down the right path.  

Goodbye fear----you aren't living in the heart of this mom any longer.  God lives in this heart and He is FAR more powerful.  He didn't give me a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-discipline.  It's time I live like it!  

Finding Answers

God shows up.  He never fails.  

We've been actively seeking, praying, and studying about wisdom.  We've been specifically praying as a couple for discernment and for God to openly speak to our hearts.  Rid our hearts of "junk" so we can more easily hear Him.  Our lists of areas that we are seeking wisdom seems to be growing as God has opened our hearts to that desire.  One particular area that I'm specifically searching for wisdom is in how I respond to situations that don't work out as planned, out of my control, or that "upset the apple cart".  In other words, learning to relax when things don't fit neatly in to my little check boxes of expectations.  

This morning things didn't fit in my check box of expectations.  

Instead of letting things spiral out of control, I remembered to practice what I had been learning.  

I talked to God.  I let Him know I was frustrated and I asked Him to help me put my priorities in order, to calm my anxious heart, and to keep my focus on the things that matter.  I asked Him to show me how to be more like Him and to react LESS like me.  

I had a conversation with my husband.  It was good to just grab 10 minutes of time and talk.  Normally that doesn't happen during the day much anymore, but due to various situations I ended up very unexpectedly not having either of my sweet "babies" today.  When he called at lunch, I was able to actually have a "real" conversation. We talked through some of my feelings about a couple of issues that are weighing heavy on me.  

Out of the blue, I decided to go through a basket in our bedroom that I've not gone through probably in well over a year.  I'm not sure why I chose to do that.....it isn't like a 100 other things I could have done with some unexpected downtime!

In the box I found something that I had written down  that reached a deep place in my heart. It's obviously from a book I had been reading.  As I've mentioned many times before, I'm horribly bad about taking notes from something and leaving them in odd places and then not knowing later the source.  I've been working on organizing notes I take from reading books and blogs, but just not completely "there" yet.  :)  

Regardless of the source, the words met me right where I needed it.  Not be coincidence.  Not by accident.  By design.  

It's an answer to some of the wisdom prayers. It's a partial answer to the prayers this morning of "righting my heart" and adjusting my focus.  

"This day comes equipped with a set of fresh opportunities.  In its joys and pleasures, I can show my gratitude to God. In its trials and temptations, I can prove my faithfulness to God. In its pains and hardships, I can demonstrate my trust in God.  In whatever form the day's events will bring opportunities for service...to God  and others, and chances to exhibit the virtues of faith, hope, and love."

Our prayers from last night and mine from this morning are wrapped up as answers in those words.  Nearly word for word, in order of what we were asking.  Not coincidence. 

Seeking wisdom. Finding it.

Even written on a piece of paper in the bottom of box/basket that has been touched in well over a year.  

God provides when we ask.  God provides when we make room in our hearts for Him and His direction when we purposefully crowd out the other clutter.  

Father, thank you for what you are teaching me.  Don't stop.  Even when I protest.  Don't stop. 

Mountains & Chains

On to my 2nd post of the night...the one I actually sat down to originally write!  My earlier post just sort of happened as I started typing. :)

Though I've been more happy, content, full of overflowing joy the last few months, it has also been a time of struggle.  The last few weeks have been hard.  It's almost as if there have been two parts of me fighting it out on the inside.

The one side that has been more happy and at peace than I've ever experienced.  Embracing love at a greater depth than I ever dreamed possible.  True contentment.  Real gratitude.  Inspired.  Hopeful.  Growing spiritually in ways I didn't expect.  Fulfilled. Living on purpose.

The other side has been confusion.  Heartache.  Struggles that I didn't anticipate.  Loss.  Physical battles.  Spiritual battles.  Spiritual warfare. Needing discernment.

Fortunately the joy has been so overflowing that it has helped me hold it together through some very trying situations.  Despite stress and heartache, my focus has remained fixed on Christ and I've felt His guidance and closeness like never before.

Yet, the battles have left their wounds.  There have been days of brokenness.  Days and moments that have taken my breath away.

Due to some unexpected circumstances, I've found myself feeling the loss of Daddy in a very deep way.  In some aspects, that loss has felt the heaviest it has since the beginning.  Circumstances that have proven that life goes on even when we aren't ready.  Circumstances that have left me having to deal with some of the emotions that I had to bury in order to survive.  Circumstances leaving me with the need and desire to just talk to him and hear his wisdom and "unique" take on life.  Circumstances of uncertainty that I've just felt the need to feel life as normal.  Not life in mode of "before" and "after".  My kids have needed him in new ways.  It's been hard.

This morning at church, God met me and found a way to reach in to some of those deep hurting places.  Though the sermon was fantastic and will probably lead to future posts because of the conviction it left in my own heart, it was the worship that grabbed me.

Anyone that knows me well, knows that I thrive on music.  It has the ability to reach my heart in ways that "words" can't.  It has the power to instantly change my thinking, reach my heart, and put me in the presence of Christ quicker than anything else.  It's even meant so much lately that I've finally reignited my passion for playing the piano.  (Which has trickled down to all three of my children!)

This morning, we sang a song that immediately makes me think of Dad.  He loved the song.  There are stories of how it touched his heart.  It's a song that we sang on our last morning that we were able to worship together as a family.

Though I have loved the song for a couple of years, it took on a much different meaning for me.  It reminds of my Daddy, of the last time together in church and those priceless memories and emotions it evokes (both painful and BEAUTIFUL).

Ever since Dad's battle, "Mighty to Save", has meant something totally different.  All I can think about is the lines that became our "anthem" for healing:  "He rose and conquered the grave. Jesus conquered the grave." During those weeks of his fighting cancer, we were praying that Daddy would beat the "death sentence" of a poor prognosis.  We were believing in healing.  I saw those words as powerful in regards to believing that healing on earth was possible.  Later, once healing came in the heavenly form, it became a constant reminder of how Jesus conquered the grave himself and because of that He has conquered it for us allowing us to have a reunion someday.  Oh, what a day!

Because of the way I identify with that song, I had lost the other powerful meanings in the lyrics.  Video with Lyrics: Mighty To Save (Hillsong United) Today, for the first time, I was able to embrace the song as a whole and truly worship in it's entire capacity.  It's such an incredible song with such depth.  Though much of it touched my heart on a deep level, the part about how He moves mountains struck a deep cord.  I immediately began to think of the mountains He HAS moved in my life.  Things I didn't believe possible.

I was also reminded of the powerful, beautiful words:

"So take me as You find me,
All my fears and failures,
Fill my life again.

I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in,
Now I surrender."


Those reached me because that is what I've been experiencing in my own heart lately.  A renewed passion for Him.  A desire to be filled by Him like never before.  Yet that desire also comes with fears and reminders of failures.  We've been actively committing to a new level of serving him.  Surrender.

This morning was just powerful for me because I was able to embrace the song as a whole and let it reach my heart in a deeper capacity.

As we finished singing "Mighty To Save" and my heart was wrapping around it's meaning, the first few notes of the next song began to be played and I INSTANTLY knew what it was.



Because the first song had already moved my heart so much, this one did as well.  For the first time, it became less about the loss in my heart of my hero and the celebration of his victory and I was able to embrace the entire song.

My chains ARE gone.  I HAVE been set free.  I have been ransomed. His grace IS amazing.

God KNOWS the struggles that we have been facing.  He knows the depth of our hearts.  He knows our fears, our desires, and our secret pain.  He knows the sins that each of us individually fight.  He knows when we are discouraged.  He knows when we are ready to step out in a new level of faith.

Plain and simple:  He knows me better than I know myself.

He knew today that I needed to reconnect to Him in a more powerful way.  He knew the messages me heart needed to hear.  He provided.

He reached in and reminded me of the mountains he has moved and the chains He has broken.  He reached me.  Oh, how He reached me.   He gave me some much need encouragement to stay on some paths we are on.  He reminded me that He is in control.  He just reminded me of who I am in Him and how that as we continue to seek Him, we WILL find Him in powerful new ways.  He reminded me that He has been with me through some amazing highs and very deep lows and everywhere in between.  He will continue to walk with us through some uncertain times we are facing.  He will provide answers to questions we are asking as long as we continue to look to Him.  Oh, how He reached me today.  Broke some chains and moved some mountains in my heart!

True Gratitude

It's been too long.  WAY too long.  I've so VERY much missed having the chance to share my heart in cyber-world.  Excited tonight for the chance to share some thoughts that are floating around in my head!

I hope to be able to sit down often in the next few days because my head and heart are in overflow mode and I know for me blogging allows me an outlet like no other!

I've been completely entranced, enthralled, and overjoyed with life lately.  It has really sunk in deeply of how very blessed by God we are.  (Though it has been FAR from a fairy-tale picnic.  It's been hard at times.  More about that in future posts!)

Some people feel that gratitude is about being thankful for the things they have.  The food they eat.  The things that they can purchase.  The places they go.  Their surroundings.

Tangible things.

Those things ARE blessings AND are definitely things that are provided by God and are worthy of gratitude. I absolutely don't dispute that.

However, I feel that true gratitude goes much deeper.  Gratitude is being thankful for the intangible things.  Having a heart that is open to seeing things that can't be purchased, that can't be made from your own hands. Oh yes, God definitely blesses each of us with different talents and the ability to use those talents IS a blessing.

It is as if He has completely turned on that light in our hearts in recent months and most specifically in previous weeks.  Even the kids are making comments that are showing depth in their thought processes in regards to being truly thankful.

I can't adequately describe the way we are seeing life right now.  We are almost hyper-aware and sensitive to the things of life that TRULY matter.

The type of gratitude we are personally experiencing and noticing in our children is a level of gratitude that I feel can only come from truly focusing on issues of the heart.  It's those things that only God can provide. Things that you can not physically grasp and hold in your hands.

When you being to notice those things in your lives, it's impossible to truly not live in a state of gratitude and a state of overflowing joy.  Gratitude even in the hardest of times.  Even through harsh struggles.

A heart of gratitude recognizes those things that may seem trivial to other people, but to you it means the world.

It's more than what money can buy.

It's more than what you can do with your own hands.

It's more than what someone else might have done for you.

Those ARE important, but a true heart of gratitude sees beyond the surface.  It sees beyond the "things" of this world and it reaches and holds on to those things that are intangible.  Yes, you may not can physically hold them in your hands.  You hold them in your heart.

"Things" put our focus on well........things.....

"Things" cause us to be grateful for what we can provide for ourselves.  God may give us the ability to earn a living and buy those things, but we make the choice of what to purchase.  We can be thankful for the money to buy those things, but our focus is still remaining on self.

True gratitude is the things that we can't produce.  We can't provide.  We can't attain with our own hands.

It's the things of depth, of the heart, and things on a spiritual level.

True gratitude allows you to wake up with a song of joy in your heart, despite hard situations. It allows you to go to bed at night with thanksgiving in your heart even when you are uncertain what the next day my bring.  It allows you to find the good in others.  It allows you to see beyond what is physically in front of you.

We so often get caught up with what we have or don't have.  We are grateful and thankful for things.  Yet, that puts the focus on "me, me, me".  When true gratitude has depth,  it's not about me.  It's about Him.  It's about His gifts in our lives.  Those that you and I physically can't touch, but mean more than any thing we could ever purchase.

I also believe once He has opened your eyes to that true gratitude that you can't look at "things" the same anymore.  They truly no longer matter.

Today, I'm thankful for how He is at work in our hearts.  He is showing us the error of our ways.  He is teaching us life is NOT about us.  He is showing and revealing things to us that we aren't proud of.  We are seeing our "filth" and our need to constantly be forgiven and under His grace.

Perhaps that is the greatest form of gratitude.  Knowing how unworthy I am of any gift He provides and the abundance of those gifts is because of the incredible nature of our loving God.  Gratitude is a heart process that takes the focus off of self and onto Him.  If our gratitude focuses on "me".....we are losing the point of gratitude.  

It's almost as if as a society our claims of gratitude have become selfish in nature.

We are thankful for our food.  Really?  Have we EVER really gone hungry or truly wondered if we would be able to feed our children their next meal? Perhaps that is true for some of us, but for most of us...no.  We have survived some very lean times financially and had some very real worries about paying bills, but we've never truly feared hunger.  We may not have been able to purchase what we really wanted to eat, but we didn't fear not having food.  Our thankfulness is really just because we were able to CHOOSE our food, or cook what we wanted.



I fear that we (including myself!) use the words thankful and grateful without truly thinking about it.  We toss it around like a "catch" word.

I'm challenging myself to look beyond the surface in the way we live our lives. Learning to focus more on issues of the heart and things that truly have significance.  I'm praying that continues to reveal to our hearts what matters.  This week I'm praying that He takes that to an even deeper level and that He keeps digging in deeper and deeper in my heart.  Revealing more of what He doesn't want in me.  Helping me become more of  who He has designed me to be.  More and more EVERY single day, I realize just how very far away from that person I am.  He may love me unconditionally and cover me with grace, but He also loves me enough to not leave me as I am.  For that, I am truly grateful.  Even when that process is painful.