Choosing Contentment

In just a little over a day, another month will have passed us by and a new one will begin. My statement and hope about November being "new beginings" didn't quite turn out ANYTHING like I expected.  With that in mind, I am a bit hesitant to think about the coming month in terms of new beginnings.  I'm not even one that jumps on the bandwagon of making New Year's resolutions.  I've been bit.  I've been stung. I don't want my hopes dashed and I don't want disappointments. 

However, as much as I am trying to push the thought of "new beginnings" out of my mind since that brings up painful memories, I keep coming back to it.  I am ready.  I am ready to be vulnerable and ask God for those new beginnings again.  I am looking forward to March being "our" month----our month for fresh starts. 

Hopefully, (can you hear the begging and pleading in my voice!!!!) the weather will begin to improve and winter will begin to slip into the background and spring will bloom in it's place.  We've probably had less than 10 days in the last 3 months that we didn't have significant snow on the ground.  The sun shining has been at a premium and on those days I've literally had mesh marks imprinted on my forehead from pressing my face against the back door screen soaking it in. 

With the hope of spring comes the feeling of renewal.  I am so past being ready for that physically, emotionally, and most importantly spiritually.  There is no doubt that our list of difficulties and heartbreak has been overwhelming.  Unfortunately, we are not alone.  Some of my dearest friends are battling hard times, but they TOO are pressing onward. 

The common thread?  CONTENTMENT.  Contentment is a CHOICE.  It's waking up every morning and truly thanking God for the blessings He has provided.  It's looking far beyond what we see that is lacking and focusing on what we do have.  It's about looking beyond the circumstances and looking inward.

Contentment is often robbed by unmet expectations, dashed dreams or unfulfilled hopes. Yet, contentment is our choice. Do we focus on our circumstances or on God?

I KNOW how easy it is to focus on those unmet expectations and unfilfilled hopes.  On my worst days, the ones that depression creeps back in and wants to make my heart and mind it's home, the commonality is the fact that I've focused my eyes on circumstances instead of God.  It's easy to do.  As a matter of fact, it IS the EASY thing to do.   Those are the days that EVERYTHING falls apart.  Murphy's Law takes over.

The days that are the best, the ones that my heart feels most complete are the ones that I've kept my focus TRULY on Christ.  My eyes are connected to His and I'm not looking down at the water to see if I'm going to sink.    Even after all this time, that is STILL hard to do.  Even though EVERYTHING in me KNOWS that without a doubt----I still lose that focus. 

Perhaps, March would be better suited to be a month of "new growth".  Isn't that what new beginnings REALLY are?  We are praying that March brings answers to some tough decisions we are trying to make----ones that have no clear cut answer.   We are seeking to reconnect our battered faith and connecting to each other in more powerful ways.   We are puposely seeking to stop comparing ourselves to others and being CONTENT with what we have and what we are blessed with.  We are seeking to proactively work together to heal wounds, build bridges, and break down walls.   We, together as a family and individually, are trying to retrain our minds to focus our eyes on God in EVERY circumstance. 

Many days I've told the kids that today may not be a good day in regards to the fact that I'm physically struggling or that my heart was really broken but that I was CHOOSING to move forward.  I want them to see that though I am struggling in their eyes, that I am relying on God to carrying me through until my feet are on solid ground again.  What better tool could they learn first hand?   If we are constantly surrounded by good circumstances, how would our faith ever grow?  Hopefully we are learning together that contentment comes from our faith in God and not by our circumstances. 

B90 Challenge Update: Perspective Changes Everything

Last summer I participated in the Bible in 90 Days Challenge and I've said many times on this blog that it was truly life changing.  Today marks the half-way point of doing it the second time around (started the first week of January).

Going into the challenge this time, I wasn't for sure what to expect.  Would it be life-changing again?  Would it be boring?  Would my attitude be "been there, done that" or "let's just get it over with"?  Remember, I promised honesty when I started blogging!  Those were some of my thoughts. 

Now that I'm officially half-way and have stayed on track this time, I can answer that question.  It has been worth every minute I have spent.  Last time, it was about finishing the challenge for the first time.  It was about doing something I had never done....reading the Bible cover to cover, in order.  This time around, it has been less of a struggle.  I know generally what is coming next since I've already done it and it has been fairly recent.  I'm not sitting back wondering if I'm actually going to get it done or if I'll quit since I already know it's possible to accomplish.  I already knew what changes I would have to make to my daily schedule/daily life to make sure that the reading got completed.  "Those" issues and concerns were out of the way. 

What I have discovered is that I now CRAVE those words.  I am finding more excitement to dig into God's word EVERY day.  It has been a soothing comfort to a heart that has been so broken.  My perspective about SO many things has changed dramatically.  Not only because of the many losses we've experienced (Dad's death, the loss of our unborn child, financial loss, loss of family relationships, loss of "security" and trust in others and other huge dings to our faith), but just because I'm seeing the world in a different way.  Right now, it's not a secret that I'm still in that questioning stage of why things happen, what God needs us to learn, and where he is asking us to go from here.  Because my heart is so deep in that asking stage, the answers are POPPING off the page. 

Today those of us that began this challenge together are finishing up Psalm.  The last several days of reading through Psalm has been truly eye-opening for me.  I have read those words MANY times through the years, but it as if I've been reading them for the first time.  I'm finding "myself" in the words more than EVER.  There are constant words of comfort.  Many times I feel as if I could have written a particular chapter myself.  So many times David felt alone, abandoned, heart broken, deep in despair.  YET HE PRAISED GOD!  I have carried that same attitude through all of our trials and will continue to do so, EVEN WHEN IT IS HARD!  It is also comforting to see when the authors were angry and lashed out.  It was also a unique experience to be feeling so many of the same raw emotions of Job when reading through that book. 

Perspective changes everything.  God's word never changes.  Those same truths were there many years ago and will still be there in the years to come.  It's when our hearts change that we begin to see things differently.  We all have the choice to let horrible situations harden our hearts or we can choose to fight the building up of walls.  I want to curl up in my little hole in the corner of the world many days and throw my hands up and say this fight isn't worth fighting.  However, I made the choice to keep on trusting God no matter how many curve balls have been thrown at my faith. 

Perspective is just a matter of being where you are at the moment.  Today the kids and I were talking about the weather.  We are jumping up and down with excitement to be in the upper 40s.  Even though snow is EVERYWHERE and still deep in places, we have the windows open!  It feels that warm to us right now!  We are embracing it.  A few months ago as summer was ending, these temps would have sent us back in the door scrambling to find coats!  Perspective.  

I originally decided to rejoin this challenge to just give me something specific to focus on every day.  I originally just needed SOMETHING stable, something normal to do.   I just wanted to be faithful and consistent when very little in my life falls into that category right now.  God has taken that act of faith and obedience and is using it to reshape me into the mother, wife, friend, and servant that He has designed.  I'm not sure where that will lead me or how that person will look in the end, but I'm willing to be along for the ride.  So far, the journey has been worth it.  Change is never easy.  Reshaping is usually never without effort or even pain.  Most often, the results are well worth it. 

The words of Mercy Me's song Word of God Speak (which is one of the songs that plays on this blog), says my thoughts so much better than I ever could.

I'm finding myself at a loss for words

And the funny thing is it's okay

The last thing I need is to be heard

But to hear what You would say

Word of God speak

Would You pour down like rain

Washing my eyes to see

Your majesty

To be still and know

That You're in this place

Please let me stay and rest

In Your holiness

Word of God speak

I'm finding myself in the midst of You

Beyond the music, beyond the noise

All that I need is to be with You

And in the quiet hear Your voice

Thankful today for the times that I have been unable to speak, but yet have finally been finding myself again by being in the midst of Him.  In the quiet, I've been hearing his voice again and it's been a beautiful, welcomed sound. 

"My Girls"

My precious husband gave me a treasured gift on Valentine's day.  We typically don't exchange gifts on this particular holiday beyond a well chosen card.  Originally, I guess the tradition came from not being able to spare any money from the budget.  Eventually it became the realization that we normally do so well expressing our love on every other day that we didn't need to fall into the consumer trap of "spend".  I've always encouraged him to NEVER buy flowers on any holiday.  Why pay triple the price for something, EVER?  We SURE learned that lesson when making the mistake of "blindly" ordering a dozen pink roses to celebrate the birth of Adriana.  It just so happened to be that she was born ON Mother's Day and that bill shocked me WAY more than the hospital bill! 


This gift he gave me is priceless.  It's something that will quickly become one of my "treasures".  I'm VERY sentimental and though I know better than to get attached to physical items, I still do.  I am one of those that still cries at most every Hallmark commercial and have been known to have tears pouring down my face just shopping for cards. 

Unfortunately, when he gave me this gift, my reaction was FAR from what he expected.  To be honest, it wasn't the reaction I was expecting.   Instead of hugs and kisses, he was met with a much different response.  He was the recipient of outrage, heart break, and a breakdown of epic proportions.  Though I didn't throw myself down on the ground kicking and screaming like a 2 year old having been told "no" in a toy store, the result was the same.  It was embarrassing to say the least.  NOT my most glorious moment for sure!

The gift he gave was so completely out of the box.  It wasn't anything like a typical Valentine's Day gift.  When he came home with that Hallmark bag, I was pretty giddy with anticipation.  I mean, truly....how could he EVER go wrong with ANYTHING in Hallmark? 


The gift:



It is a beautiful gift.  The heart that gave it to me is even more treasured.  Unfortunately, neither one of was prepared for the outpouring of emotions it would bring.  I know that Kevin chose it for me with such love and pride. 

Loss.  It's an ugly 4 letter word.  It creates emotions that just can't be contained at times.  Seeing his gift and my brain expecting something "romantic" in the traditional sense, but instead it screamed "LOSS".  Grief.  It's an unspeakable journey, especially when it's deepened with so many other layers that we are having to deal with outside the normal. 

This particular Willow Tree is entitled "MY GIRLS:  Looking at you, I see wonder, joy, strength".  For anyone that has read my post specifically about Dad or anyone that has talked to me about his final hours, knows that my most treasured memory is how he held my sister's and my hands to his chest and kept saying "my girls" in his final hours.  Kevin saw this gift and KNEW he had to buy it so I would have a physical reminder of that beautiful moment.  Bless his heart, he REALLY did buy me an unbelievable treasure and I love him so much for the thoughtfulness.  I just SO wish I could turn back time and give him a different reaction.  I know he did NOT plan on it being a moment that brought me such pain.  Grief does that.  You just never know when "those" moments are going to come.

This beautiful depiction of a Dad looking down at his two daughters and the girls looking up at him is beautiful.   I searched to see what the artist had written or said about the making of the piece.  I wanted to know the background.  Though Kevin didn't know the story when he bought it beyond the fact that he knew it would mean so much to me, he couldn't have bought anything anymore PERFECT!  She said in her description of creating that piece that her goal was to show the DUALITY of the roles.  She wanted it to depict a sentiment that could be read from either perspective---father to daughters or daughters to father.  She wanted to show that the girls looked to him for his strength and stability, but yet wanted it to show how he looked to them as his great source of joy.  She wanted it to show "my Dad can do anything" attitude of the girls and to show the reassuring love he had to give. 

Thank you Kevin.  Thank you for such a treasure.  Thank you for something that I will forever hold close to my heart.  Thank you for such a beautiful physical reminder of what an amazing father I had.  Though initially it reminded me of all I had lost and brought about such raw emotion....as more time goes on I will see the blessing of it more and more.  For now, it's an emptiness that can't be filled.  With time, my perspective will change and I will always have this reminder of not only that precious memory of his last loving gesture, but also of the entire life he gave me.  Thank you for showing me such love and thoughtfulness.  You are a TRUE treasure! 

A Blank Canvas

Back  in this post  at the end of November, I talked about how at the start of the month we had embraced the month of November and were expecting it to be an amazing month for our family.  I talked about how we had a large dry erase board beside the entry to our garage.  On that board, I had left a message to Kevin about that excitement of November being "our month" for new beginnings after the losses we had experienced.  It was just a few short days later that we had our world turned further upside down with the shocking diagnosis that Dad had advanced cancer.  It also was filled with notes of love, encouragement, and the day to day scheduling of "life". 

As the days went on, I chose to keep that reminder on our wall.  I just couldn't bring myself to erase it.  Part of me was afraid that if I did, it would signal anger at God or even that I had given up hope that he would be healed.  Then after his death, I just couldn't do it.   To erase it felt like I was erasing that part of my life.

Last Wednesday I had another one of those "breakdowns", just generally speaking a very hard day.  Kevin and I usually lead the 3rd graders at 607 (our church mid-week program).  Knowing I just wasn't emotionally ready to be with 25+ 9 year olds, I stayed home and Kevin took care of the class.  In that quiet, solitude with no one around, I did it.  I erased it all.  It was emotional.  It was hard.  Yet, it was peaceful. 

Now we have this....

It's a blank slate.  Ready to be filled.  Waiting for life to continue on, just in a different direction.  Our notes of love, encouragement, crazy--goofiness, busy schedules.....everything can fill it back up again.  The question is will our lives be different?  Yes.  The question is how will our lives fill up that space in a PROFOUND way.  There is normally a header at the top that says:  Live, Love, Laugh, SIMPLIFY.  That was MY reminder to take a deep breath each day and to soak it in.  Moments are fleeting.  I ALREADY knew that, but NOW I know it in a much more powerful way.  I have yet to decide what the header will be now.  Maybe it will be our word for the year:  Purpose.  We are attempting to make EACH and EVERY action we take purposeful.  Maybe it will be faith and family.  Those two words speak volumes about the way we live our lives.  I don't know yet what will fill our blank canvas, but I pray that we always stop to take the time to make sure that each and everything that we do lifts each other up, binds our family together, builds our faith, and is a purposeful action.  Putting all those things together will transform a blank canvas into a beautiful work of art. 

Clinging to the Rock

Hello?  Blog world, are you still there? 

I can't possibly count all the times I've intended to write a blog, sat down to blog and the words didn't come, or the times that I attempted to blog and someone needed something else at the moment. 

I'll be the first to admit, I'm also just not "myself" these days.  I've been following a blog over the last two weeks of a man that has just experienced the most unspeakable pain of loss.  Though many things he has said have touched me so deeply, it was these words that seem to resonate with me the most. 

"This house already feels like a shell, an empty reflection of what it once was. I've had this same feeling every time I looked at myself in a mirror over the past 3 days. I just didn't recognize the man who was looking back. He seemed familiar, but not quite the same as what it felt like he should look like."

I think that is where I am.  I'm still moving forward and doing my best to keep the train from derailing and keeping our family on track as much as possible.  However, when I look in the mirror I just don't recognize the reflection looking back.  She, too, seems familiar, but just not quite what I am expecting to see.  There is still such a disconnect with who I am at this moment and who I expected to be.  There is such a gap between what I am and what people see.  There is still this unbelievable turmoil of what I am feeling and what I think I should be feeling.

Anyone that really knows me, KNOWS I love to write and I'm not short with words.  Many have been recipients of the short note that turned into a novel.  Blogging has been an incredible outlet of expression over the last year.  However, right now.....the words are still trapped in my head.  Many more words are ready to be written, but because I feel like I have to censor them or tweak them to sound "acceptable"....they just stay where they are.  They continue to be stuck in the brain of someone that is notorious for over thinking and they are so jumbled together that it's going to take some major unraveling and sorting to get them free-flowing again.

Though I LOVE and cherish ALL THINGS related to family, homeschooling, crafting, and everything related to keeping our family going....that is not what I intended for my blog to be.  I LOVE to read those type of blogs, it just not what I set out to write.  My last several blogs have been "fluff" in my opinion.  That is as far as I could get......

You see...I'm changed.  My view of the world has changed.  My heart is changed.  I'm still not recognizing the reflection in the mirror. 

I haven't blogged also out of the fact that the world has moved on.  No one really wants to hear about Dad anymore.  There are few that are truly concerned about where we are in this journey.  I accept that and that is OK.  However, the journey is still VERY real for us.  In many ways, it's truly just beginning the hard parts.  Many normal/average days have passed on the calendar without "real" holidays, but those same days have held some very tough "firsts" or "anniversaries" of huge things to us, but insignificant to most. 

Some of you know that the changes in me and turmoil have come from many other directions than JUST the emotions and grief from Dad's illness and death.  That in itself is enough to break a person, but when you add all the many other layers of situations that we are dealing with it becomes easy to understand why many days I just beg for MERCY! 

The main thing to know is that though I am still trying to reconnect the reflection I see in the mirror with the reality of who I really I am. I'm still here.  I'm still hanging on.  I still believe and trust in God above all else.  Yes, I spend many sleepless nights and have some very real breakdowns begging Him to explain MANY things.  I admit my faith has been shaken very hard, but it's not gone.  Right now, I'm just looking through grief filled eyes.  I'm struggling with finally having to deal with garbage from growing up and weeding through what is truth, what God expects of me, and where I have to let go and let him.  All we've been through in recent months has reopened some wounds that left deep scars and trusting in God to heal those is hard when your faith isn't as strong as it was.  However, that faith is there.  It's still carrying me.  God's word and His promises are sustaining.  Truth drowns out lies and darkness.  It just takes a little longer to truly penetrate. 

Many, especially those that know all the things we are battling, have still said they can't believe how I'm keeping it all together.  I admit, I'm tired of being strong.  I'd give anything for someone else to have to be the strong one and let me just collapse.  However, because of the role I'm in as a mother....you can't just do it.  You can't just lay down and let the world go by.  Teresa and I talked during the first week after we had Dad's full diagnosis and the news of the reality of how big of a battle we had to face, about how for years we had talked the talk and now we had to walk the walk.  We talked about how eyes were going to be on us  to see how we handled such a heavy burden.  Those eyes would be innocent eyes of our children or even eyes of those struggling to find their own paths with Christ.  Because those type eyes were watching us, we were going to have to keep our eyes FULLY focused on the ONLY one that could CARRY us when we could no longer walk, breathe, or talk.  THAT focus has been the only thread of ANY of the sanity I've had.  When I lose that focus, I fall....and I fall hard.  When I maintain that focus, I may slip...but HE always catches me. 

So for now, I retreat again.  I retreat back inward while I once again try to regain my focus on the ONE that matters.  THE AUTHOR AND FINISHER of MY FAITH.  He still has chapters left to write and though I'm having to go back and reread some painful ones that I thought I would never have to, it's OK.  He knows the beginning, the middle, and the end.  He knows all of the edits and rewrites.  He knows the chapters that got written and ripped out of the book...but he KNOWS the finished project.  HE will get me through to the ending and will give me a story worth reading. 

Chad, the author of the blog I mentioned earlier also wrote some powerful words about having no choice but to make the only choice that matters.  I, too, am making the choice that matters.  CLINGING to GOD when I don't feel like I have an ounce of energy left.  Clinging to Him when I can't even form words in prayer or when I can't even unjumble my own thoughts.  Clinging to Him when everything seems too uncertain and painful. 

"What you've seen in me over the past few days has little to do with being a strong and vibrant Man of Faith.   I am a man who feels like all this world held for him has been stripped away, leaving him standing cold and naked, with two choices:  cling to the Rock or let go.  I have no choice.  I must cling to the Rock.  All else is misery, selfish humanity, and destructive despair."


I feel that same stripping away.  I'm cold and exposed.  I choose to cling to the rock as well.  There is NO other choice.

Meal Plan January 30th

I must admit that those who suggested I put a meal plan to "the blog" instead of just on paper were right!  It did make for a MUCH smoother week having everything in one place with click-able links.  I didn't have to do much scrambling around pulling my recipes from different places.  It even worked out BEAUTIFULLY when I ended up having to spend so much time in bed this week.  Kevin would pull up the blog and immediately know what I had planned and basically how to go about it.  This week, I'm giving it another go AND adding in the full day instead of just the evening meals.  We are expecting a MASSIVE snow storm that is probably going to leave us trapped at home, so I am putting a bit more effort into the cooking and baking to help make things a bit more fun and exciting.  Plus, we will most likely be unable to attend many of our normal activities so time should be on my side somewhat.  Hopefully that will translate into many more things off the list of "rainy day" organizing.......however, instead of rain it will be more than a foot of snow if predictions are correct.  YUCK!  I'm so DONE with the snow for this year, but since we can't change it-----we'll just make the best of it!

Sunday: 

• Breakfast at church
• Lunch: white beans and ham in the crockpot; left-over biscuits and cornbread
• Dinner:  Cowboy Spaghetti (didn't end up having this last week)
• smore's brownies

Monday:

• Breakfast: Homemade Cinnamon Raisin Biscuits
• Lunch: Alien Hot Dogs the boys FAVORITE  (slice hot dog in 3 pieces, stick several spaghetti noodles through it lengthwise and boil.....look like aliens or jelly fish when done.  We roll in Parmesan cheese.
• Dinner: Crockpot Pork Chops with stuffing & apples This was one of my favorite meals that Shannon made at Camp One Way when I attended a scrapbook retreat.  Her similar recipe was in the C.O.W cookbook that I purchased. 

Tuesday:

• Breakfast:  Blueberry Breakfast Crumble
• Lunch:  quesadillas and chicken noodle soup
• Dinner: Ham & Potato Frittata
• Apple Jacks Cookies

Wednesday:

• Breakfast: Bacon & Cheese Muffins
• Lunch:  PB & J
• Dinner: Poppyseed Chicken using precooked chicken from the freezer

Thursday:

• Breakfast:  Chocolate Chip Breakfast Biscuits
• Lunch:  grilled cheese & tomato soup
• Dinner:  Creamy Baked Mostacolli

Friday:

• Breakfast: French Breakfast Puffs
• Lunch:  leftover/sandwich if at home, but we hope to be out of the house by then and are planning on ice-skating with some of our homeschool church group friends and it will be a GREAT day to eat out!
• Dinner:  Cheddar Potato & Ham Soup

Saturday is left open for whatever the mood hits.  I'm sure I'll also have my arm twisted (though not very far!) to make some other desserts and treats during the week as well, but I specifically plan on trying out the Apple Jacks cookies. 

Progresso Lemon Panko Crumbs Review

Quite awhile back, I received a box of Progresso Lemon Panko bread crumbs and a Michael Chiarello signed cookbook.  About the time that it came is when life took such a drastic turn as we dealt with Dad's sudden illness and death.  At that point, I put blogging on the back burner except those postings that concerned our journey with him.  Now that we are in the process of getting life back on track as much as possible, I'm finally trying to wrap up lose ends and getting family life (meal planning, homeschooling, housework, and family time!) back in sync. 

First off:  the important, yet required disclosure *The information, Progresso Panko bread crumbs, and a Michael Chiarello's Bottega cookbook were sent to me by General Mills through MyBlogSpark. The opinions are authentic and 100% mine.*

As part of the myblogspark program, you are to try the product, post a review, and offer a give-a-way of the same product.  I didn't have the chance to offer the give-a-way on my blog with the whirlwind we were facing in the "typical" fashion of leave a comment and choosing a random winner.  I ,instead , randomly selected from my regular readers and submitted her information for the gift pack.  Erin F. was this winner and I know she received her package several weeks ago!  Congrats, EF!

Now, for MY review!  Last night I finally pulled out the box of Progresso Lemon Pepper Panko crumbs.  I made chicken tenders by dredging fresh chicken in flour, beaten eggs, and then the panko.  It was extremely easy!  As for the flavor, it was "different" than our typical chicken tenders....but I admit that "different" was great!  It got a thumbs up from ALMOST all of my picky family members.  Only Peyton was reluctant and that is NOTHING new.  Even he said it was "OK", so that is probably like me saying "great!"  The part I liked best was that the panko got crispier than normal bread crumbs and came closer to a "fried" chicken texture and let's face it....us Southerners at heart LOVE our fried chicken!  Kevin took the leftovers to work for lunch and he said that they were good the 2nd time around.  That's a winner in my book!  I was pleased enough with Progresso's product that I will be purchasing more in the future.  However, I think I am excited to purchase the Italian version the most!   I think THAT will even get a thumbs up from Peyton!

So, thanks myblogspark for the chance to try something new....and especially for something that my family found to be a positive!  Hopefully next time around, I won't have to wait nearly two months to get my "official" review posted!

Meal Plan January 24th

Here is the dinner plan for the week beginning Monday the 24th.  Trying to get back in planning mode again as we are trying to get back on a more normal schedule and "life" on track again.  So far this week, I've only planned our family dinners...but, hey, it's a start!  So many friends keep encouraging me to put our plan on my blog, mostly so I have it all in one place with my links----giving it a try! I used to have theme nights (pasta, soup, freezer, etc...) but that has somewhat derailed since we aren't "tied" to the gym anymore and we have much more flexibility in our schedules and we don't have to plan "family" nights as often. 

Monday:  Lemon Panko Chicken tenders & Fries (have yet to decide if I'll be using up some potatoes that need to be used soon or if I will cheat and pull out some fries from the freezer that were free after combining a sale and a coupon)  Using Progresso Lemon Panko crumbs that were provided by the company for me to try...review to come later (thanks blogspark).  Spinach & baby green salad with whatever other produce is left in the fridge that is salvageable (in other words not mushy, gooshy, or gross!)

Tuesday: Cheesy Ranch Potatoes & Ham  I think I will probably tweak this while I'm cooking to make it a little less "ranch" flavored  and Honey Cornbread (mostly JUST because I've REALLY been wanting to try it out!)  Kevin bought a LARGE spiral cut ham on sale last night and ham will probably be sneaking in many of our meals in the next couple of weeks since we'll be nibbling on it for a few days and then freezing the rest.

Wednesday: Easy Layered Nacho Bake but I will most likely add some pre-cooked chicken from the freezer to stretch the meal so that we will have enough leftovers for Kevin to take to lunch.  Simple meal that will still get us out the door to church on time and keep us from having to resort to the pizza stand-by. 

Thursday:  Cowboy Spaghetti family friendly and the kids will like the goofy name;  will also make some bread in the bread machine but it's usually last minute decision as to the "flavor".  I just have to remember to start it as soon as we get home from Parent's Morning Out or it won't be finished in time.  I tend to "forget" to start the machine early enough.  Hmmm....wonder why I'm forgetful these days?

Friday:  Sloppy Joe Mashed Potato cups , green beans and mostly likely macaroni and cheese since by this time my kids will be begging for their favorite!

I don't normally plan the weekend meals because we like flexibility and doing things on the spur of the moment.  Kevin and I will also be enjoying a DATE NIGHT on Saturday night (Rascal Flatts concert!!!!!) so we will probably be ordering pizza for the kids.  Sunday usually involves something in the crockpot that we eat mid-afternoon/early evening. 

Today is THAT Day

Today was THAT day.  The day everyone, including myself, knew would come.  THE day that the weight of the world crashes in and you find yourself literally unable to breathe.  THE day that you dreaded, but also looked forward to because you were tired of keeping it all together.  THE day that the hurt, loss, emptiness, anger, frustration, and overwhelming grief just overtakes and left you in a pile on the floor unable to move or breathe.  Yes, THAT day is today. 

Today was the day that I wanted to scream at God and beg him for mercy.  Today was the day my heart was begging Him to STOP this insanity.  We try to believe that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but no matter how much we may believe it and FOCUS on that....there are days that we feel incapable of handling the things He is allowing us to go through.  Today is THAT day. 

I'm broken.  I'm uncertain how to move from THIS day.  Yes, it's all of the emotional turmoil from Dad's death.  Yes, it's the extreme brokenness I'm feeling for the woman that raised me and loved me as her own flesh and blood from the time I was just a tiny toddler and now she is physically alone.  Yes, it's the heartache I'm feeling for my youngest brother that was just on the edge of entering manhood and was starting to see the world in such a way that he NEEDED his Dad leading him and encouraging him.  Yes, it's the heartache for my older siblings that are fighting their own emotional battles with all of this.  Yes, it's for the hearts of my children that I'm broken.  

I'm out of focus and off-track.  We've finally journeyed back down the school path out of necessity.  We don't have time to just sit back and wait another few days, weeks, or a month.  However, we are struggling.  Though some things are thankfully coming easy and progress is happening by leaps and bounds, there are other things just staring us in the face and feels like mountains that we can't climb.  The SAME math lesson has been looking at us for days and it's not going anywhere.  I LOVE math and enjoy teaching it....especially now that we are in the complexities of algebra and not just "facts".  However, my brain is in such a fog that I can't seem to break it down into teachable steps and her heart and mind is still too heavy to focus and "accept" the knowledge. 

God has also given us some "assignments" so to speak that are stretching us and making us move out of our comfort zones.  However, right NOW is when we need our comfort zone.  WE need the "normal" and "safe".  Our timing is not matching up to HIS timing and it's pulling us while we are RAW. 

There isn't time to just STOP and grieve.  There isn't time to just focus on ONE thing and let the others fall apart.  I don't have that "luxury".  LIFE MUST go on.  My children still have needs (and those needs are even more evident as they take this journey themselves), there is still a home to keep running, a marriage to keep healthy, school for three kids on three different levels with VERY different needs, spiritual growth to still make sure is happening, and the list goes on indefinitely.  ALL I want to do is just scream STOP.  STOP and let me breathe.  STOP and let me feel what I need to feel at this moment. 

Today was THE day that I did crash.  As if dealing with Dad's illness and death weren't enough, we are still getting hit hard from other areas and we are breaking.  I am breaking.  Better yet, in honesty, I am BROKEN.

Now the journey begins.  The journey of taking the broken pieces and finding a way to put them back together.  Taking the image of the look on your four year old's face when he finds you in your hiding place having a breakdown and finding a way to restore his confidence that Mom is OK.  Finding a way to make sure that the increased stress level in the home doesn't break down the growing dynamics that you've been working so hard as a family to build.  Finding ways to connect as a couple when you can't even find time to breathe, much less have the real intimate conversation that your souls are needing. 

The journey also begins in finding solid ground again.  So many losses of different kinds JUST when you are growing in Christ MORE than ever is hard to handle.  Maintaining FULL faith and trust when everything around feels so unstable.......HARD.

The journey back to getting the pieces together is just that....a journey.  Some minutes I'm on the right trail and some minutes I think I need a park ranger to lead me back on the marked path.  Some minutes I'm driving along at the perfect speed and others I'm either getting honked at for driving slow in the fast lane or getting pulled over for speeding. 

For today, being THE day that I crashed.....my plan is to just keep breathing and truly looking at one minute at a time.  Doing my best to focus on one issue at a time.  Feeling what I need to feel.  Allowing myself to have those breakdowns.  Having the freedom to say THIS IS NOT fair.  Having the ability to say, THIS person is wrong in their actions.  THIS person has a problem and I am NOT it.  Freedom.  Freedom to feel what my heart is feeling.  Otherwise, the next stages can't happen.  In those next stages, the stages of where we find our solid ground again, where healing begins and strength is gained.....those are the stages where God's truth will begin to sink back in and find it's deep roots again.  TODAY is just not THAT day.  However, because of the depth of our faith and our love for God.....the stability WILL come again and the journey will have us heading in that direction.  TODAY, I'm just on a detour waiting to be rescued.  For someone that generally is the rescuer, being the one needing the rescue is an uncomfortable place to be.  Because it's uncomfortable, I know that I won't be in this place too long. 

For today, I'm embracing THIS day and letting my heart feel what it feels..........the good and the bad.  The rational and the irrational. The raw.  No need to sugarcoat or be strong for image sake.  Today is THE day that I am allowing myself to be here. 

Normal Life? What's that?

Returning to normal life after the extreme roller coaster ride of Dad's illness and death has not been an easy task.  I'm not sure it is even possible.  That's OK.  Some days are fairly easy so to speak and then there are those that it still requires effort to breathe.  Anyone that has been through grief knows that it can hit you out of the blue and the sadness can knock you off your feet from the oddest triggers.  About the time I think I have a "grip" on how to handle all of this, I soon find out I never had the grip at all.  Again, that's OK. 

I think besides the loss itself, the hardest part of returning to a "new" normal is keeping a healthy emotional balance in the upheaval.  When I'm stressed out over an issue, I find myself having to stop and ask myself if the stress is coming from the new situation or because of being emotionally wrung out over the last months.  If I'm angry about something, which I admit is more often these days, I have to ask if it's a situation that TRULY has me agitated or is it the frustration of how drastic life turned suddenly.  I even think it through to the point of asking is the situation I'm angry about giving me an excuse to not focus on the grief....an avoidance tactic.  Many times the anger comes as a result of people and their lack of response or "concern" for us during all of this.  Some people are truly selfish and cold-hearted and I'll just leave it at that.  However, for every one of THOSE people.....God has blessed us tremendously by those that have blessed us beyond what I ever dreamed.  Those are the people that have let God use them in amazing ways and literally blown us away! 

In this storm, even from the first moment we heard the initial news, there has been a calm that only can be described as the Holy Spirit taking over.  Though I've been an emotional wreck at times (just ask my husband, kids, or those friends that have had to come in and rescue us!), there has still been an overwhelming strength and focus that can only have been God given.  Specific moments keep trickling back into my memory and I wonder how I was able to do that or who was that person, she surely wasn't me! 

For such a long time, Kevin and I knew that some of the battles we had faced and the unbelievable twisting and turning God had been giving us was for a purpose.  We know that some of that purpose was to prepare us for this storm.  Had this all happened three or four years ago, it would have destroyed me and I know my faith would not have been strong enough to pull me through.  No doubt. 

Looking ahead to the future, we are finding ourselves on very uncertain ground.  Though our marriage and our family are more stable and solid than they have ever been, we are restless.  We are pleading with God for Him to reveal our purpose and to put our feet on that path.  It has been years of earnestly seeking and we are getting restless in waiting.  Restless in waiting either means that He is about to give us another heart "transplant" and bend us and shape us more like Him again OR He is about to unleash His plan for us.  All I know is that we are ready for either one and waiting to see where He is leading us.  We don't want to sit still and we have an urgency like never before. 

Part of that urgency has lead us to make some tough decisions in regards to our family.  We feel He is asking us to step out of our comfort zone and move in a different direction in a certain area.  I'm not one for starting over.  I'm not one for stepping out of the box and my comfort zone.  "This" request of us is not one we are taking lightly.  Sometimes growing in Christ HURTS because we become too attached to things (people, "ways", emotions) and we still want to do things our way.  Sometimes He asks us to do things that make no sense to us, but the more we "run" from His request the more relentless He becomes in his pursuit.  Growth isn't always easy and sometimes stepping out in faith is the hardest thing.  

A few months ago, we finally followed through on God's request for dumping cable TV (which for us also meant "normal" TV as well).  I was MORE than addicted to countless shows and the conviction in watching most of them grew DAILY.  Shows that many Christians find no problems with, but for us God had asked us to "shut it off".  We wrestled with His request for WAY too long and once we finally became fully obedient, blessings began to pour out every direction.  We became reconnected to Him in deeper ways than we expected and our obedience has paid off in such tremendous ways. 

His latest request of us has left us wrestling with Him and struggling to find exactly what He is asking of us.  Though we know how He is leading us and the general direction He is asking us to go, we are still prayerfully seeking out the details and we are still praying for the courage to take those steps.  In the end, when we are fully on track with His plan, I know that we will look back and know that we did the right thing and I can only imagine where He will use us and how our lives will change.  Hopefully we won't wrestle with Him as long as we did with his last request, because we know now that we just wasted time and blessings.  I just want to make sure that we don't MISS His blessings by our lack of obedience or by being partially obedient (which you know I think is still DISOBEDIENCE). 

Is this "new" task just something that is coming out of the phases of grief?  Is it a focus that is keeping us from focusing on the grief.  NOT in the least.  We had already been wrestling with these issues before our world was turned upside down.  Perhaps, it has given us a sense of urgency because we fully understand how short time is....but THAT is a good thing. 

The word we chose for 2011 as our "mission" or as our description word was PURPOSE.  We are choosing to be purposeful in every aspect of our lives and that we do everything we can to remain on the path that allows God to use us in HIS PURPOSE.  Sometimes doing so may be a little or a LOT uncomfortable and uncertain for us because of our human hearts and eyes, but because our faith is in Christ who sees the ENTIRE full picture....we can trust the plan He has for us.

Well Done...Good & Faithful Servant Larry Don Hurst

This post is one I never dreamed of writing.  This is one I truly feel such incredible weight to write, but yet have no idea how to even begin.  I want it to truly reflect the greatness of the last days:  great blessings, great peace, yet great heaviness and mourning.  I want it to reflect my daddy in such a glorious way that every person that ever reads it can see his greatness and how it came from Christ's greatness.  However, I know I can never come close to writing what my heart is feeling. 

Please forgive the length...I've never been "short" in writing and even I know this one will be novel length.  Forgive the weepiness with which it is written and remember that my main reason for blogging from the very beginning was to have an outlet of expression and a mode to remember our daily lives.  Forgive the obvious typos that are to come.  I plan to write and not correct, because if I read and re-read....I'll NEVER get it done and until I've written this post, I know I won't have any of the weight lifted from my shoulders.

My Daddy lived a short 66 years, 2 months, and 23 days.  He was my Daddy for 36 years and 27 days.  From the moment that we heard his diagnosis to the moment that God walked him home was only 1 month and 9 days.  The initial news of the doctors findings came to us at 7:36 PM on November 14th and he took his first breath in heaven at 8:05 AM on December 23rd.  One month and 9 days of unbearable heartache as the strongest man known to us, quickly lost his battle but fought with everything he had in him. 

The first thing that made my Dad remarkable in my eyes was that he took ALL responsibility SERIOUSLY.  He never let someone else do what he knew was his job.  NEVER!  He instilled in each of us an attitude of "you start it, you finish it."  He is the number one reason that I carry that same attitude.  His responsibility was NEVER more evident in the choice that he made to raise us.  It's highly unusual for a dad to be the custodial parent in today's society....it was unheard of 35 years ago.  He never walked away from us and he worked harder than any other person I ever knew to make sure we had what we needed.  There was seldom room for "wants", but he covered each and every need.  Even in our most lean times, he made sure that what ever sacrifice had to be made was made.  In those times, something else that will FOREVER be my Dad's legacy is that he gave.  He gave in lean times and he gave in times of blessing.  I can NEVER think of a Sunday that he didn't place a tithe check in the offering plate....no matter how difficult of a struggle we were having. 

Dad's legacy of giving is unbelievable.  He not only gave of his money, he gave abundantly of his time and talents.  There was no better of a fitting Celebration of Life than for Dad's last journey to take him down the hallways and aisle of Strong Tower Ministries.  He poured his heart, blood and tears into the building and it's people.  Money was irrelevant.  He gave of heart and soul.  He said often that he had pride in the building, but it was the people that mattered.  He believed in supporting youth and giving them a chance to be "something".  He was remarkable.  I was so touched at the Celebration of Life when Bro. David had those in attendance that had been baptized in Dad and Teresa's pool during the building of the church years and I was stunned as hands all over the building raised.  Who could have any more of an amazing legacy? 

For those that really knew my Daddy, they know that he was a very private man.  He was reserved and even harsh at times.  As we were growing up, affection wasn't freely given.  It was NOT because he was not a loving man.  It was because he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders trying to provide for us.  He was strict beyond imagination.  I told him in recent years how proud I was of that.  For many years, I could not understand why on earth he was so harsh or why his rules were WAY more strict than those around us.  Once I became a mother with the pressures of raising children to be great servants of Christ, coupled with the incredible burden of providing for them....I understood it.  I told him that and thanked him for it.  However, as Dad got older and the pressures began to lighten on him, he became one of the most loving, affectionate men on this earth.  He loved his grandchildren like no other.  What amazing memories they have of sitting in his lap in his big recliner.  He would stop what he was doing and tell them to come sit with him.  Even in his very last days, he asked them to climb up on the bed with him.  I'm thankful that my children will forever have those last memories.

I can't begin to write about Daddy's going home with Christ without telling about those last hours.  As hard as it is to think about, how incredibly personal those moments, they have to be told.  My wish is that those who don't believe in Christ or who have turned their backs and walked way could have been in that hospital room during ANY of those last hours. 

On Wednesday morning the 22nd, I got the call that my heart was expecting but I wasn't ready for at the same time.  There is no more helpless of feeling that to know you HAVE to get home immediately and the fear that you won't make it in time.  Because two amazing friends came in and literally took over the packing process, we made it on the road MUCH faster than if I would have had to find the presence of mind to do it myself.  Thank you will never be enough for Erin & Elaine (and others as well).  Elaine presented me with a precious shawl that she began making soon after Dad's diagnosis and then had friends pray over it.  It has since absorbed MANY tears, given much needed hugs and been a beautiful reminder of how amazing friends are.  Erin came in and literally swooped my kids away and stocked them with arm loads of snacks, shoes, and even underwear!  The funniest scene was seeing her leaning over Kevin's sink giving Peyton a haircut!  They took care of all the practical things that needed to be done and I am forever grateful! 

Once we arrived at the hospital, I can't tell you the immediate fear I had when the elevator doors opened and my family all around began to openly weep.  I was so paralyzed in that moment thinking I had not made it in time.  However, I did and the hours that followed were ones of extreme heartache but unspeakable beauty. 

A few minutes after arriving, the staff let Kevin and I go back to be with Dad even though it wasn't official visiting time according to CCU policies.  Though the things that were said in those moments and the raw emotions are ones I don't want to relive at this moment, I do have to tell of what my Dad told us.  He told us over and OVER by pointing up, saying I'm going home, I'm ready or similar statements.....but the most beautiful thing in those moments is that he told us VERY clearly and VERY adamantly that He had seen Jesus.  Jesus was waiting for him.  He was at peace and he was ready to go.  With many tearful kisses, we left the room thinking that our final goodbyes had been said.  We were given another 12 hours. 

My sister and I were the ones that stayed with Dad through the night.  Others out of exhaustion and their own physical issues, went home.  My sister was prepared to stay alone, but I made a promise that I would stay with her until the end, no matter what we were faced with.  Kevin took the kids to another floor and they slept on the floor as much as they could. I will NEVER regret that decision because those hours created bonds that will never be broken and let me see God in a whole new way.  Death is truly just an entrance into eternity for those that believe.  There is nothing more beautiful than to see a family gathered around a hospital bed talking their Dad into heaven and for him to be telling what he is seeing.  I'm thankful for two special nurses that walked us along that journey.  David---came by and prayed with us in the minutes before Dad gained victory.  He was my care pastor many years ago.  Wendy---was another blessing to have in the room with us.  It was comforting to have a familiar face that so lovingly cared for Dad in his last minutes and then with dignity prepared his body for other family members to see after he had passed.  She later told me what an honor it was to witness such a beautiful entrance into heaven.

Those last hours were horrible to say the least, but the beauty totally outshines.  My sister and I vocally and tearfully pleaded with God to take Dad home.  We constantly assured him that we loved him, but yet we were ready for him to walk with Jesus.  I remember the great torment it was to watch his numbers decline and celebrate, but yet be angry when they would rebound.  That was a feeling that I wasn't expecting.  We just wanted the suffering to end and his passing to be quick.  Nicci and I lovingly talked with him and cared for him the best we could and he was STILL doing everything in his power to comfort us.  I remember telling him that we were only holding his hands so he wouldn't be alone, but we weren't holding him back.  Many times he would take our hands and hold them next to his heart and say "my girls".  Even up to the last second, his grip was still strong and his heart was still huge!  Though many things happened in his room that night, some I want to erase and some I want to never forget, the one that I will forever cherish is the moment in which he was ready to walk in victory and he wanted his arms held high.  His body was too weak, but his heart and soul wanted them raised to God.  With each of us on either side, we held his arms in Victory as my very reserved father wanted to praise his heavenly father that welcomed him home.  That was huge.  Normally the best you might get would be tears and a thumbs up, but he wanted his arms HIGH! 

I remember blogging about Moses and how Aaron and Hur held his arms up when he could no longer do it.  I wrote that blog about how I would be holding the arms up of those around me and that others would be doing the same for me.  God had revealed that passage to me and the meaning was so great at the time.  Now it is completely priceless.  Us telling of that image also led Bro. David to speaking about it at Dad's service. 

Dad's service was the most beautiful I have ever seen.  In Southern speak----we had church!  It was truly a time of celebration of a life well lived.  I thought Teresa was actually going to shout and I would have been about 2 seconds behind her.  It was truly that moving and amazing!  Though the weather prevented some family members from arriving, it was unbelievable the turn out.  Though the crowds at the actual service are a blur at this point in my memory, there was a moment on the way to the burial that took my breath away.  Usually a grave side service is small and since the weather was so bad, I didn't expect more than just immediate family to make the processional.  Peyton asked us to look back at one point when we made our last turn and as I did, I saw cars as far as the eye could see....from hill to hill....from one horizon to another.  That spokes volumes about the man I called Daddy!

Thanks so much to the Rippy Family for singing our two favorite songs fitting of the situation.  Not only did they carry deep meaning, we know that you not only sang with pure talent that comes directly from God but with love in your hearts for all of us as well.  Dana----oh Dana----thank you so much for fulfilling mine and Nicci's wish of having you sing "Father's Eyes".  You know the meaning the song has for us and I hope that I can continue to have eyes that reflect both my heavenly and earthly father. 

Another memory that stands out from those days is the moment that we sat around the massive oak table at the funeral home making arrangements.  That is a moment that can only be understood by someone that has walked that path.  It felt completely like an out of body experience that I know that it was only by the Holy Spirit that we made it.  All I could think about was the pride with which Daddy would have had to see all of us sitting at HIS table again.  With us living so spread apart, those days were very rare.  Dinner growing up at our house was a family affair.  It was ALWAYS at the table and the rule was that we ate together if at all possible.  Dad and Teresa had an oak furniture business for many years and our table was a great source of pride for us.  Life happened around that table.  Families if you don't gather round your table to eat....start now.  Give your children that amazing time together with you! 

Last weekend when we were able to spend time as he tried to recover from his only chemo treatment, the kids were not able to see him.  It was too dangerous for him since his white count was so low.  They made a banner that said "Go, Fight, Win....Victory: Team Grandpa" and it was covered with scripture of healing and victory.  (It was also purposely in Alabama colors....Roll Tide also was placed on his pall arrangement!).  It hung at the funeral home and at first I thought maybe it would be seen as a failure.  NOPE!  He did get the ultimate victory!  We mourn not for him....we just mourn for those of us left behind.

Daddy asked for 20 more years.  He said he wanted to see my children grow up because he wanted to see what amazing things they were going to do.  He was one of my greatest supports in homeschooling.  He was not the typical supporter of non-traditional methods, but once he saw how they were growing and maturing he was such a support.  Though my heart aches for my kids, I know that Dad is still going to see them grow and he is going to be still leading me in teaching them.  He taught us well.  I will do everything in my power to continue the legacy he began in us.

Daddy made Kevin promise that he would always take care of his little girl.  He leaned in our car door just before we pulled out from our wedding and reminded him of that promise.  Kevin reconfirmed that promise to him and they exchanged some words about that in his last days.  Though I don't know exactly what was said, I do know that Dad told him he had done a good job and to continue to do so.  I promised him that I would take care of our kids, that I would remain strong in my faith and not blame God, and that I would do everything possible to help Teresa.  I told him that no one ever could be as special as she has been to all of us and that I would honor her to my dying days. 

The hurt I feel is real.  The emptiness is drastic.  The reality is harsh.  I have many breakdowns ahead.  However, I can not thank you enough for the extreme blessings that have been poured out on my family and especially on me.  God has met every need so far from SOMEONE.  Many of you have gone above and beyond in blessing us.  Money was slipped in my wallet to help us with expenses of all the traveling we had done.  Money was sent in the mail with "Merry Christmas".  Friends and family have carried us.  I have a list of rain checks waiting to be redeemed when I have a melt down and need space.  Food has been overflowing and friends have lifted me when I haven't been able to breathe.  There hasn't been a moment that someone hasn't blessed us.  Kathleen---one of my most precious friends----brought us dinner on HER birthday and her husband and family cleared our driveway of massive snow amounts.  Family has taken care of the kids when we've needed space.  We've been carried in the most tangible and intangible ways.  I was blessed to have a very healing hug from someone so dear to me.  Her hugs have carried me through so many things before and for her to come deliver me MANY of them just made my heart overflow.  BJK---I love you so much and no one would have ever dreamed we would both have taken this journey together so close in time.  Thank you.  Thank you to all of you. 

Christmas was expected to be different this year.  WE wanted it different and we made many great efforts to change it.  However, I never dreamed it would change this much and we would be gathered around my father's "treasure box" (as Bradlee lovingly calls the casket!).  It definitely became a holiday of celebrating Christ and I hope that we continue to carry that in our hearts.  My heart breaks that I haven't been able to finish my gifts and that some things we planned to do didn't get done, but please know that as time allows we will get to it.  Right now, it's still just very overwhelming and sometimes even simple tasks are monumental.  We have many gifts to finish and MANY thank you notes to write. 

In closing, we included many special sentimental touches to Dad's service.  I spent hours digging through pictures that my sister spent COUNTLESS, sleepless hours combining them into a beautiful slide show of our lives together.  My siblings, Teresa, and I wrote TINY private messages that were placed in a prayer box that was buried with Dad.  As a last statement, I am sharing what I wrote for the insert that is being placed in the DVD jacket of the slide show.  Hopefully it reflects the love I have for my dad and the gratitude I have that he showed me the way to my heavenly father.

Daddy:



I can only imagine what beauty and blessings you have been experiencing since the moment that you walked home hand-in-hand with Jesus. Though my heart has a hole that can never be filled, I know that you are receiving the ultimate gift of being with Christ. I've never been more proud to be "Daddy's little girl" and you taught us well. The legacy you left behind in each of us will never fade away. I'm forever grateful to have been blessed by such an amazing earthly father that showed us the majesty of our heavenly father. May I always have eyes that reflect both of you! I'm holding on so tightly to the amazing glimpse of heaven that you gave us as you told Kevin and I of seeing Jesus, your constant assurance of the home you were going to, the desire you had to hold your hands in victory, and of how you held mine and Nicci's hands to your heart and said "my girls". Forever grateful, forever blessed....and knowing that one day you will welcome me back home and our family circle will again be complete. Until that day, I will be seeking to continue your legacy and fulfilling the promises I made you. I know Christ welcomed you with the words "Well done good and faithful servant." WELL done, Daddy...well done!





Love,

Tracye

Just a quick Check in!

Just a quick note:  I haven't abandoned the blog world.  I have plenty to say and amazing things to share about God's overwhelming peace and blessings despite the extreme heartache.  However, I still need a few more days to let my brain process all that has gone on.  I want my post about Daddy's homecoming to be special and it to fully reflect the life of the man who has left my heart so empty.  At the moment, I'm just so incredibly overwhelmed with exhaustion, gratitude, and so many things still feel so surreal.  Losing a parent is horrible, but to lose him during the holidays and in such a way is even more excruciating. 

Thank you to all of you that are checking in to see if I have posted.  Thank you to all of you who are praying us through these difficult days.  Thank you to all of you that have blessed us beyond our wildest dreams in taking care of us as we try to refocus our lives towards a "new" normal.  Thanks most especially to all of you that are helping me catch my breath in whatever way that happens to be at the moment. 

In short, I am doing OK.  Roller coaster ride doesn't even begin to describe this whirlwind, but for every moment of complete breakdown there has been two moments of complete peace and gratitude. 

I'll be "back" to the blog world when I can process the thoughts in my head to the keyboard!  Love to all of you!  Please know that I still believe that God is good and though I don't understand His plan in the very least, I believe in HIM and believe His purpose is just so grand that our human hearts just can't understand it at the moment. 

Christmas Looks VERY Different This Year!

Christmas will look different this year. 

I remember being at the end of October or the first week of November when Kevin and I really began to have conversations about our thoughts about the holidays.  Who would we visit and when?  What things did we want to do with the kids?  Which traditions should we start, which should we toss out and which should we hang on to with dear life?  What would we buy as gifts and how on earth would we pay for it?  Basically, WHAT did we want the holidays to look like. 

Plain and simple: We wanted it to look and feel VERY different than years past.  We immediately made the decision to take MUCH different approaches.  We didn't want the rushing around and stress.  NO swapping money or gift cards because "that" is what was expected.  NO overflowing Christmas trees with gift after gift that would be forgotten by the next day.  We wanted to completely bring CHRIST back as the MAIN and only focus of our holidays this year.  That at times was going to mean that it might "hurt" a little.  We might irritate some people when we said "no" to gatherings or to purchases.  We might find it painful to give up some of our "old" traditions that didn't fit in with our new focus.  It might be hard to stick to the budget we had planned and it might get hard to say "no" to purchasing gifts.  WE love to give, so NOT giving can be hard.

In regards to the kids, we made the tough decision to change our approach to Santa.  Instead of our normal traditions, we decided that there would only be three gifts for each of them this year.  We decided on the "three" gifts Christ was given and that they would receive three as well: one that helps them in their spiritual growth, one that is a NEED, and one that is a want.  Nothing else. 

In regards to gifts for others, we decided that ALL gifts would be either handmade or purposeful.  Money normally spent on cards and postage would instead be spent on making Operation Christmas Child shoe boxes.  We wouldn't attend countless gatherings and decided to choose one or two to focus on and spend more time at home as a family.  We decided on what mattered most to us and came up with ways to make sure those things became priority. 

We were rolling along right on track.  The kids are actually excited about their three gifts because we've talked so much about the REAL reason for the holidays and about our focus on Christ instead of Santa and "more, more, more".  Gifts were beginning to get made and plans were constantly being tweaked for the countless crafts that made the "final" cut on our list.  No longer having TV sure helped lessen the "I want that" mentality. 

Then life took a very sudden, drastic change.  Life has been in upheaval.  Stack after stack of partially completed gifts lay around.  The realization that there is no way they will be completed on time has sunk in.  Christmas shopping for the actual gifts that made the list hasn't been completed.  The budget has taken another hit since I haven't been as focused on our food budget during the stress and because of so much travel.  We don't even know when we will be able to spend "our" time together or time with family and friends.  Nothing is settled.  Once a plan gets made, it has to be changed. 

Guess what?  It's ok.  It is just TRULY serving to bring the REAL focus of what matters most.  The budget has been re-tweaked and amazingly, the numbers will work out if we are very careful.  The handmade gifts for friends and family may not make it by December 25th, but they will get done.  The house may not be fully decorated inside and out like I normally want.  The baking, cooking, crafting on "my" list is being reduced to the essentials.  My normal spotless house, is tolerable.  School isn't on schedule, but the train hasn't derailed.  It's ok. 

The truth of the holidays is FRESH in our hearts and we are witnessing the power of it EVERY day.  We are TRULY not caught up in the rat-race of what culture says the holidays should look like.  We wanted a SIMPLE Christmas with family and that is what we are getting.   Snuggling up and watching a movie, reading a book, or just taking the time to LAUGH and be together.....that is what we are focusing on.  Talking about the meaning of the holidays and talking of ways that God is blessing us....that is our blessing in this chaos. 

This Christmas is completely surrounded in chaos not of our choosing.  Upheaval is a mild word to describe it.  The only thing we can count on right now is that EVERYTHING changes and can change a hundred times a day.  We can easily get caught up in the "what ifs" and unfairness.  EASILY!  Instead, we are focusing on keeping things as stable for the three "little" people in our home and doing our best to cling to precious memories and make new ones. 

Yes, this Christmas looks very different.  WE chose for things to be different in some ways and in others we had no choice.  What matters is that at the end of the day, we are still a family and we are growing deeper and more steady in that love.  We are growing more in touch with finding the little blessings that God has given us.  Christmas is about the ULTIMATE gift and that is what we are celebrating.  WE WOULD BE LOST without it!  So, I'm glad that Christmas looks VERY different this year. 

Kids--Just Can't Help But Make Messes

Oh boy...kids and their messes.  Some mornings, specifically this morning, you are slammed with another mess to clean up before your brain is even awake.  Some days you turn around and KNOW you cleaned a certain area not five minutes before but there isn't any evidence of the effort.  Some of us may have one of more  "messies" living in residence.  Some of us may have a Mr. or Mrs. Destruct-o living in our midst. 

Kids....just bring about messes.  For the most part, they truly don't intend to cause trouble. They just happen to be impulsive, curious, selfish, distractable, clumsy, stubborn....and the list could continue.  They don't really intend to cause you more trouble, frustrate you, or leave you with a huge mess to clean up.  They don't mean to break things that can't be repaired or replaced.  They don't wake up intending to stress you out, frustrate you, or leave you with gray hair or even no hair (once you've pulled it out MANY times!). 

It was in one of "THOSE" moments this morning that I realized that kids aren't the only ones in that predicament.  While I was fully involved in cleaning up a mess before my brain was even alert enough to register many thoughts, God let me see that I'm the same way.  I bombard him with the same issues.  I'm impulsive, stubborn, distractable, etc....  I act in my own selfishness, pride, and desires and leave him with many messes to clean up.  He is constantly at work having to shape me, get my attention, or redirect my wrong efforts.  He is constantly having to pick up the pieces and restore what is broken.  He is constantly having to knock down walls and rebuild others.  He is constantly at work with me....just like a parent that truly loves his/her children.  He knows I'm frustrated, terrified, emotionally wrung-out, and physically hanging on by a thread.  He knows that at times (even constantly!) I'm going to head the wrong direction or with the wrong attitude.  He knows that right now, that even in my extreme brokenness...I'm still looking for Him.  To Him, that is ALL that matters.  Just like our children need to know that we love them despite all the trouble they get into or messes that we make, it's amazing to know that God loves me despite all of my messes.  Better yet, He finds pleasure in picking me up and carrying me when I don't have a clue how to move ahead.

This morning as I scrambled to clean up a mess, I was reminded of something else important.  In our house, our little green machine spot cleaning carpet machine is probably the most used tool (three kids two of which are boys and a dog....enough said!).  However, this morning it was missing a required piece.  No matter how I attempted to make it work, without that piece it was useless.  I tried to "make" something else to replace the missing piece, but no amount of effort was going to fix it.  We searched.  I begged and pleaded for the kids to find it.  In frustration, I about lost my cool.  I'm finding myself in that position so often these days.  Fortunately, the needed piece was found.  It wasn't where it should have been, but it was where someone had put it. 

It made me think of all the "pieces" that I need to keep myself on track.  No matter how I'm trying....I'm just "not" fully working at my capacity right now.  As a "tool" so to speak, I'm not being effective.  I'm missing some piece that is keeping me from being and working the way God intends for me to be.   Today, that revelation is that in the struggles going on, I'm missing that quiet, one-on-one time with HIM.  Prayers have been wrapped up in the moment and desperate pleas for help.  Necessary.  Reality.  What is missing is that "growing" and digging deep that had been taking place over the last months.  It's been replaced by just trying to survive and keep my head above water.  I've not turned my back on God and I've not put up walls between us, but the focus has shifted so drastically that it's as if they only time I'm getting with him is in "panic" mode or at hyper-speed.  I can't clear my heart and brain from everything that is going on, to find Him in that deep part of me that he was changing so drastically.  I miss it.  I need it.  I just don't know how to find it.  I feel so deeply and my heart is so huge, that I just can't compartmentalize the current pain and fear to let him reach the other areas.  It's a struggle, but I know that He will find a way to wedge himself back into those deep places.   I don't give up on my kids and I love them unconditionally.  They don't earn my love and they don't lose my love when they make different choices than I want them to make.  God is the same way.  He already knows my exact struggles, he knows exactly what is going on and he can read my heart even when I can't express the words.  Fortunately, he has every tool to clean up every mess I could ever make or clean up every mess that people around me make.   He is relentless in his love and grace.  Thankful.  Fortunate.  Blessed.  Otherwise, this crazy insanity would be pointless!

Thankful for the Simple Things

There is just something about the beauty of the season's first snowfall.  The WHITE fluffy view----not the black nasty slush that follows on our city streets.  Our first one of the year caught me by surprise and I found that it was very soothing to the soul.  Though I do NOT like Illinois winters in the least, even I had to just sit back in awe and wonder of the beauty that God put on display.  All in all, news reports are saying we had about 9 inches.  With the blowing and drifting, I have no idea how much we actually had.  I do know that by early this morning, our lower rung on our fence wasn't visible and it continued to snow until after 4:00 this afternoon. 

So far this weekend has been just what my body and soul has needed.  For the first time in weeks, I was able to put down the weight of the world and just ENJOY my family.  Kevin and I stayed up into the wee hours of the morning watching movies and TRULY laughing.  My heart needed that in so many ways and God gave us a few hours to just be "us" again.  The "us" that those around us talk about.  NOT the "us" that has been carrying such heavy weight.  I needed to wake up next to him this morning and FEEL like life was normal.  Normally he is gone hours before I am alert and by that time Bradlee has crawled in the bed to take over that empty spot.  Weekends are usually so on hyper-speed that we don't even get to enjoy that because it's jump up and go.  It was just what my heart needed!

The rest of the day may have been "boring" by some standards, but for me it was perfect.  The boys spent hours playing out in the snow and burning off lots of pent up energy.  Peyton shoveled our sidewalk and those of at least 3 neighbors.  Kevin and Peyton rescued a bunny that was stuck in our window wells and let her warm up inside a bit before releasing her.  Granted, it took MUCH longer to get Bradlee ready to go out then the actual time spent out.  It never fails that the first snow of the season leaves us scrambling to find all of the necessary gear.  I spent the majority of the day snuggled up in bed sewing while watching the snow fall.  Since no one had been in the back yard, I was able to see the "unspoiled" snow and it was just extremely soothing.  By the end of the afternoon, I put my final touches on the "biggest" project I had on my list for this Christmas.  I have MANY more things to make or do, but they are ones that can be done in a few hours at a time. 

As this evening is about to wind down, it's also about to bring us together as a family again.  Pot roast that has been cooking all day is being dished out for a late dinner since Adriana was gone for the most of the day.  A family movie has been chosen.  A movie for Kevin and I to watch afterwards has been loaded on the laptop and is ready to go.   Hot chocolate mugs are sitting on the counter waiting to be filled with everyone's favorite "extras" (marshmallows, Hershey kisses, peppermint sticks).  For us, life is about the simple things that make us a family.  Nothing matters more. 

There are times that I have been reminded today of the battles we are facing.  There are times that I could have found myself bogged down and broken.  Situations have come up that people have been incredibly insensitive, but it hasn't mattered.  All of "that" will still be there, but for THESE moments, I choose to wrap my arms around those around me and enjoy every minute.  THESE minutes are the ones that matter.  Our choices to change our priorities and take a different approach at life over the last months has prepared us to appreciate MOMENTS like these.  I'm grateful.  I'm blessed.  I wouldn't change "us" for the world. 

God's Will IS Perfect For Me

Today I read a blog that reminded me of a much needed truth.   It talked about how God's PERFECT will may not look the way that I think it should.  There is no doubt that this storm we are facing is NOT one I would choose for myself or my family.  As a matter of fact, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.  However, the reminder was there for me to see that even when I can not fathom what it is that God is doing----I CAN trust Him.  Daily I chose to trust Him.  Sometimes, every minute I MUST choose to trust Him.  If I don't, then EVERY single truth I have based my life on becomes a lie.


The words from Pastor Steve Furtick say it beautifully:

God’s will for you is to become everything He dreamed you to be so that you might glorify Him the way He deserves to be. And that doesn’t necessarily happen through easy circumstances or perfect conditions.

God’s will doesn’t have to be perfect to me to be perfect for me.

If you need proof of this, just take a brief glance at the Bible:

God’s will for Job wasn’t perfect to him. He lost everything. But it was perfect for him. It brought him to a whole new level of faith and positioned him for a greater blessing later in his life.

God’s will for Joseph wasn’t perfect to him. He landed in slavery and prison for over a decade. But it was perfect for him. Through him, God saved his family and an entire nation.

God’s will for Paul probably didn’t seem perfect to a lot of people. Few men have ever suffered so much for the gospel. But it was perfect for him. Few men have ever spread the gospel so vastly in their lifetime.

God’s will for Jesus didn’t seem perfect to his disciples. In the garden of Gethsemane, even He didn’t want it. But it was perfect for him. He defeated and humiliated sin on the cross. Then conquered death in the resurrection. And thereby provided salvation to the whole world.

God’s will for you might not always seem perfect to you. But trust me, His will is perfect for you.

The job you hate right now might not seem perfect to you. But through it God is perfectly developing your character, patience, and faithfulness.

That relationship you just lost might not seem like God’s perfect will to you. But the person God is clearing space for and has been preparing you for your entire life is perfect for you.

The disease you’re battling right now might not seem perfect to you. But God could use your pain as a platform for the gospel to reach countless people. And He’s putting you in the perfect position to comfort others.

That doesn’t make it easy. But it does make it meaningful. Purposeful. Worth it.


It makes it perfect for you.

I can not begin to figure out what God's plan in all of this is or what the outcome will be.  My prayer is that he performs a modern day miracle for my Dad.  What I have to accept and prepare for is that His will may not line up to mine and that I have to firmly believe that His plan has a purpose.

Though I'm struggling with some really powerful things and it's taking EVERYTHING and more to keep moving ahead, I choose to continue to believe His promises to be true.  Looking back over the last several weeks and even months, we are each becoming aware of how God has had his hands on us preparing things for us.  I know my step mom has mentioned some things to us in private conversations and though I choose to honor that privacy, I believe that she is also seeing his hand at work.  For us, two MAJOR things have happened in recent months that we now believe to be in direct preparation for the battle we are facing. 

For those of you that know my daughter well, you know that she is a PASSIONATE gymnast.  Her work ethic and drive compared to no other.  Several months ago she suddenly decided she wanted to walk away and though we fully supported her choice, we weren't exactly sure what lead her to that decision.  We understood her reasons and supported her choice but none of us could grasp the sudden end of her "drive".  Looking back now, it was God giving her the bigger picture of her life.  Tomorrow officially starts competition season for our gym.  There is no way that we would have been able to keep up that lifestyle with what we have going on.  Three to four hour practices a day, traveling usually three out of four weekends a month, and the extreme strain on the finances and body would have been a breaking point for us.  Had she not already made the decision to pursue other things, having to walk away from the gym RIGHT now would have been beyond devastating.  God took her heart and worked with it in His way, giving her another direction to go.....making this journey ever slightly easier for her.  I never doubted her decision, but now I finally understand the abruptness and the timing. 

Sometimes other things---very painful things---happen that we don't have any idea what the purpose could be.  I've mentioned great loss in our lives over the last several months and one hit Kevin and I extremely hard.  We only shared the details with a very select few people.  For the most part it was kept private because I just didn't have the words.  Though I still do not have complete understanding and have many unanswered questions for God, I am beginning to understand part of His plan.  Just a few days before Labor Day and Kevin's family reunion, we suffered a very early miscarriage.  At that point, we had BARELY even had time to wrap our brains around the fact that we were expecting number four.  The only explanation I could come up with at the time was that I wasn't healthy enough to carry a baby full term since I had been having too many flare-ups and we've usually tried to time pregnancies when I've been flare free for at least six months.  We felt that perhaps God was saving us some REAL heartache by it happening SO early....versus several months down the road.  Now I understand that there was a bigger plan.  I know it would have been nearly impossible to have handled a pregnancy all the way to full term with what we are dealing with, especially knowing that the last one resulted in 4.5 months of bed rest.  It has been a tough emotional battle for me, especially knowing that our child would have been born just a month or so after our granddaughter.  God's plans may not seem perfect TO me, but they are perfect FOR me.  I can't see the big picture, the tapestry fully complete, but God can. 

I'm still battling minute by minute to keep my head above water.  I'm on a roller coaster like no other.  I am failing at keeping things together many days, but some minutes are purely amazing and we are doing our best to wrap ourselves up in those.  I easily fall apart.  I easily get angry and people irritate me more than normal with their petty complaints or how they live their lives with no regard to Christ.  Normal.  Struggling....but normal.  I just know that every single time I've been at my lowest breaking point, God has come through in one form or another.  I will continue to hold onto that.  There is NO other choice for myself or our family.